mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 my wife asked for space... and i guess i did not give it to her ho she wanted it... she feels numb to me.. she feels that when i touch her she feels weird.. she put a wall up to me and is still angry with me.. she has depression and past history problems..... is this something space and time can heal..... she says she fell out of love with me... what can get a couple through the issues of awkwardness, how can they fix a marriage if the one that is hurt feels weird about touching the one that they are trying to fix the relationship with... Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Hi there! I am so sorry for your situation. (((hugs))) Have you both thought about marriage therapy? Or maybe a trial seperation? Link to comment
Mun Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 How old is your wife ? What does she give as the reason she lost her love for you? Does she have any medical problems that might be the cause for things change ? How long have you been married? Do you have children and are they grown and gone or at home? Does she have a job outside the home? ...more information would be great. As kell said marriage counseling is a good option...would she be willing to try? Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 well we are separated living in the same house.. we have a 14 mo old son.... and she believes that therapy does not help... but i am trying to get her to go with me to therapy.. becuase this week we are going to start taking time apart...she wants to try and fix our friend ship and that if we can she would like to stay married.. but she doesnt know how to get through those feelings.... and the awkwardness... i really think she is resenting me right now and with the depression and the anger.. its hard for her to open up to me...... i havnt given her what she wanted..... space.. but now i am..... any ideas? Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 I think your wife wants the space to sort things out in her mind. She might be wondering if you and her were ment to be, why did her feelings for you change. I would really avoid a trial seperation. I went along with it, and it was a huge mistake (I think). I really only believe seperation works if one person wants another person to realize their behavior is affecting the relationship. You're in a really tricky area, and I'm sorry to hear it. I went through something similar and at the end I ended up divorced. Our problem was that my ex-wife was incapable of dealing with problems, and instead ran away from them using alcohol, and other men. The only advice I can give is for you to both go seek marriage counseling. There might be some issues that your wife is reluctant to discuss, and a trained counselor can really help bring those out in a safe,constructive environment. I personally would go to a licensed therapist and not one provided by a church, but thats just me. Good luck man, I really mean it. Link to comment
Mun Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 I honestly think therapy would help a whole lot, especially because she has other issues that have nothing to do with you. The therapist may even prescribe something for her deppression...make sure you know the side effects if you go that route. If she wants space then give her space. You can work on your friendship by going about this as if you were at the start of your relationship. Ask her out on a date. Treat her nice, make her laugh...then give her more space. I'm not a therapist so maybe this is not the right approach, but this is what I think would help. As long as she is receptive to you and your ideas you have a good chance of fixing things. What have you done so far? Why does she resent you? Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Here is how I got my ex-wife to go with me to therapy. I signed up to meet with a counselor, and then told her that I was seeking help for my "issues" and I thought it would be really important to me if she was there to explain how she saw things. Your wife might be afraid that the therapist might tell her that her feelings are wrong, or that she is to blame, but no counselor worth their salt would ever say such a thing. Link to comment
Mun Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Here is how I got my ex-wife to go with me to therapy. I signed up to meet with a counselor, and then told her that I was seeking help for my "issues" and I thought it would be really important to me if she was there to explain how she saw things. Smart move. Try LostIn's approach. Who doesn't want to go to the therapist to tell her what their SO's problem is! Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 she is 20 years old.. i am 28 a 14 month old son.. abused child hood.. depression issues..... when she got pregnant... we grew apart... i am fighting to save our marriage.. and i think that is making it worse.. all she wants is space to sort things out.. i just wanna help.. and been married one year Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 we both are at fault for our problems.. and my way of fixing things is not her way of fixing them.. iguess i have pushed to much so the anger is still there... we need counceling.. we need to get help, she always deals with things like this... push them away or just put on back burner and worry about it later.... Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 my wife saw counceling all though high school cuase of her past and up bringing.... snd all they did was listen.. and never helped she said.. and the medicine made her feel like she wasnt in control.... how do i get her to let me help her.. get her back on medicine.. get her the help her and i need? Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to get someone else to change. You have to just hope that it becomes their best interests to change--in your wifes case go see help. From what you've written about, your wife sounds like she handles problems similarly to the way my ex-wife does. Most good counselors should discuss the problems. Like I suffer from "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" related to abuse from my childhood, while my ex-wife suffers from Sexual Compulsivity, and Codependence Issues. Usually the therapist will diagnose you within the first one or two visits. Also if you don't like the service the counselor provides, don't give up. Finding the right counselor will take time. Link to comment
Mun Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 ah High school counselors. I had a friend whose HS counselor told her "You think you have problems... I blah blah blah " while she was going through physical abuse issues at home. Some people have no business in that profession.... I can see why things are as they are, but you should honestly seek out help. You both do need it if you are to make this marriage work and for the sake of your baby. Tell it to her that way, that YOU have issues to work out for the sake of the baby and that you would like her to come along to help you talk to the counselor. I hope she agrees. Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 she doesnt know what she wants.. she doesnt know if she wants to fight for the marriage or if she just needs to be friends and deal with it later..... thats why it is frustrating to me.... she saysthat if we can get back to being friends. that then we can try and go to fix our marriage.. i understand that but with the awkwardness to me and everything else she has, and doesnt know how to fix or change it... we need help and its hard for her to go along with it, cuase she thinks she is un curable...... Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 the bad thing is.. after sseing some of the things she has done since her and i have separated they have made me wonder why she is sometimes acting like she is.. she says she is just trying to have fun... I am just trying to see if she is really just lost reaching out for anything right now that can make her feel good instead of feeling dead inside like she told me she was...... she doesnt love her self, dead inside and thinks she is ugly and that she doesnt love me but wants to try and fix things..... fix our friendship and try to fix our hurt and broken marriage if we can.....but through all of it. i have been pushy on how to fix things.. and she has been quik to only do things her way.. we are still at fault....... help lol Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 will depression cuase these issues and can medicine and therapy actually fix these problems? Link to comment
Mun Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 She may not be telling you EVERYTHING that is going through her mind as not to hurt you, try and get her to talk with you about what she is feeling. Then try and work on this together rather than against each other. I hope she will want to. Because she is really young I'd wonder if she is feeling "trapped" by her current situation--the marriage, the baby. Honestly this is one of those times that therapy might be your best option... seriously... Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 those are all things i have talked to her about..... trapped... trying to just be her age... her friends not having the responsibilities that she does.... we are very open. about our relationships... the thing that makes me not know wht she really wants is becuase she does not know if she wants to divorce me, says to every one that i am a great father and a great husband.... and that she knows the ball is in her court... she cant be happy with me... and try to love me... when right now.. her and eye cant get along cuase when ever i asked a question she wants to argue.... she is tired of talking.. i just want to understand... he have parties at the house.. i wanna dance.. she does but she feels weird about it .. its like anything towards me is weird feeling and that she says she doesnt love me but is willing to try and fix things.... what would make her feel that way..... she put the wall up... and then when i guess i didnt listen to what she was telling me... becuase i wanted to fix things fast.. she started getting angry.. she told me that if she needed to she would block the feelings from me to get me to understand.. and she knew that once she did it that she didnt know how to unblock them.. and since then if i touch her or rub on her back or anything that invovles closness.. it feels weird.. one night we were drunk and i pointed it out to her.. that she held my hand... and sat in my lap.. but since i pointed it out she hasnt done it..... i think she blocked the feelings and that now she doesnt know how to undo what she has done.. and that right now she can not return any feeling to me, cuase half of her wants to care and be touched andthe other half doesnt want to be... actions speak louder then words....... does any of this make sense.. thats why i wanna see a therapist.... we have to try everything.... Link to comment
Mun Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Were things like this before the baby? or has it just been like this after? I think anyone who has been emotionally abused would be afraid to feel too close to someone. The thoughts would be, they will hurt me too if I get too close, but like I said, I'm no therapist. See why I think these issues are more complex than we can deal with? I hope you don't get tired too fast here because it might take alot of patience and love on your part to see her through all this. You will need some support too...so we are here for you even if we don't have all the answers... Keep posting Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 lok if i could explain it all.... it would take 3 pages to do all of it.. look.. i am not going to walk away from all of this.. i dont want my son asking what his mom and dad didnt try to stay together..... and yes things were different before the baby..... she gained weight.. now she has just about lost all of it... she s feeling better about her sef... she wants to try things on her own and to try and fix our friendship, marriage and family... she was raised in a divorced home.. abusive home.. i was raised in a happily married.. equal 75/75 efforted family..... all i know is i promissed her i would be there for her through all of this.. it would be so easy to know that i mattered to her right now.. she is so mad and empty that she cant let me in..... Link to comment
Mun Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply you should give up or that we won't try to help. I understand therapy is not such an easy thing to go after. So we will be here for you ok? I just thought that counseling would be a good idea in this case because I feel like you could use a third person on your end helping you guys out. So I do hope you can do that at some point. Be loving and be supportive to her. This may not seem important: but flirt with her like you used to do when you were dating, play around with her and make her laugh---god I hope you can still do that... Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 i have been trying that but i think i have been a lil to strong with it..... she feels that i am a lil pushy... its weird.... its hard... Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 The best thing to do in this case (at least I think so) is to give her space. Let her know that you're committed to working things out, and that you understand she needs time to herself. Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 she wants to go out and hang out with her friends.. she has a lot of guy friends.. and that is fine.. but its hard to see how she is happy when she is with everyone else. And seeing how she is with her friends and seeing how she is towards me.. how am i going toi get back to that friends status and especially how am i going to get back to the husband status.... if i tell her she is beautiful it feels weird to her...... but again she thinks she is not beautiful.. but she is now wearing make up again and trying to look nice.. things she stopped doing when she started to gain weight before the pregnancy...... she looks beautiful like she alwasy has been to me.. its so hard.... is this a phase that weomon go through by trying to make ther self feel better.. and that makes me ask where do fit in..... Link to comment
mbc9ie Posted January 10, 2006 Author Share Posted January 10, 2006 so how do i go about it do i not speak to her do i let her call me.. how does it work with a child? tonight starts the space she wants... Link to comment
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