I can't stand it anymore

[NoMoreWill]

It's been over three months now since my break up. I thought I was doing better; I've been seeing a therapist and trying to keep myself occupied and I was just accepted into a Bachelor's Program at a great school yet I still feel empty and lonely and unwilling to move on in my life.

 

I saw her last week because she wanted to give me something back of mine. I keep wondering why she didn't just send it to me. We talked about her relationship with her husband and how he's trying but I truly believe it's all smoke and mirrors; that he's doing it all just so that she'll stay and take care of him and that he doesn't love her. She says she loves him and needs to try to make it work, even though she admitted that all she's doing is trying to fulfull her obligations as a wife and that she was scared of committing to me -- it was easier to go back to an established marriage. If it weren't for him, we'd be together. How silly is that??

 

I told her I wanted her to be happy and that she should try her hardest to make it work because if it fails, she'll know she tried. I told her I would never call her again but would love to eventually be friends one day, if that were possible. In the end I told her I missed and loved her and she said the same and we held each other and kissed goodbye. I tried to avoid kissing her on the lips but she kissed me instead. It's the little things that confuse me, like the kiss and the embraces. I don't know how to explain it but I could just feel "it". It reinforces my thoughts of her being in denial.

 

Since this meeting, I have regressed back into my depression and have been worse than ever. I keep trying to analyse everything and being logical about the whole situation. At the same time, I'm trying to be "a man" about it -- being jovial, non-chalant, making fun, saying I'm over it but secretly I cry for her almost every day and I seriously hope their marriage fails. It's all a lie in my eyes.

 

Yes, I need to move on. Yes, I'll eventually heal and yes.. I'm sure there's someone better. But, I want HER. I'm sure most of you understand when I say she was the one. Unfortunately, she's married to the wrong man.

 

I know she loves me. I know she misses me. But I know her fear and obligations are all that keep her from leaving him. He's a weak man, always begging her to come back after apologizing and backpeddling.

 

And I know she'll never leave him.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying, really I am.

 

I've come to realise that logic doesn't stand a chance when dealing with the heart. I can come to so many logical conclusions and analyse their relationship and all the things said between them and their behaviour towards one another yet it's all out the window when it comes to fear, obligation, guilt and love. And I feel so helpless because I want to help her see it but I can't; it's not my job to. I just have to watch and wait for the trainwreck to happen. Though I don't wait for her to return, I do hope that she will. This, too, I have to get over.

 

In my heart of hearts, I truly believe she's in love with me and wants to be with me. But it can never be because of her obligations to him.

 

And now I'm beginning to hate her and I don't want that. I don't want to hate her. All these emotions are driving me insane.

 

It is comforting to have a group here that I can read their experiences and know that I'm not alone with these feelings. I sympathise and suffer both at the same time with everyone.

 

Thanks for reading my rant...

[neallo82288]

Well, I was in the same situation a couple of years ago and while, friendship is possible, but darn hard. Takes alot of energy and time. From time to time, I still see my ex and things tend to get out of control on both of our parts. I send her emails from time to time just to see how things are going, but I have learned that while we had a fun time the time is over. Keep your promise of never calling her again, because it will cause her undue trouble with her husband. Let her contact you and move on in your life.

 

Hope this helped a little

 

neallo

[darkblue]

There is no logic when it comes to matters of the heart. None whatsoever.

 

You repeatedly mention that you want to see her marriage fail, but surely, if you loved her - you would want her to be happy?

 

Unfortunately, I don't think she can see past this man - and you would just be torturing yourself by staying in contact with her, or puting on the charade of friendship when you know you want more.

 

You will heal and you will get over her. There is a woman right for you out there, that isn't married and wants you just as much.

Until you can see that - cry.

Don't try and be macho. They are pathetic attempts of withholding emotion.

Let it out - you will feel slightly better, and heal somewhat faster.

[PrincessLinzay]

I think that given the circumstances, you are handling yourself with poise and dignity.

 

Seeing a therapist and trying to get your life back is exactly what you should be doing. You appear to be sticking to NC and dealing with things on your own, which is all good. I say you should be proud of yourself.

 

It's all well and good to say "I hope she's happy", but who are we kidding? When someone chooses not to be with us, we're secretly hoping they're miserable without us. I think it's a completely human and natural sentiment.

 

Hang in there. Either way, whether or not she ends up staying where she is or with you, you will be okay!

[NoMoreWill]

You repeatedly mention that you want to see her marriage fail, but surely, if you loved her - you would want her to be happy?

 

I do love her and I want her to be happy. But, there's always a part of you that wishes it would fail. Misery loves company, as they say. Plus, it's not that I wish it will fail, I bet it will fail.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think she can see past this man - and you would just be torturing yourself by staying in contact with her, or puting on the charade of friendship when you know you want more.

 

Yes, you are right. I just can't see my life without her in it somehow.

 

Let it out - you will feel slightly better, and heal somewhat faster.

 

At this point, I'm pretty dry. I've streamed enough tears that I don't know how my eyes produce more.

[NoMoreWill]

I think that given the circumstances, you are handling yourself with poise and dignity.

 

Seeing a therapist and trying to get your life back is exactly what you should be doing. You appear to be sticking to NC and dealing with things on your own, which is all good. I say you should be proud of yourself.

 

It's all well and good to say "I hope she's happy", but who are we kidding? When someone chooses not to be with us, we're secretly hoping they're miserable without us. I think it's a completely human and natural sentiment.

 

Hang in there. Either way, whether or not she ends up staying where she is or with you, you will be okay!

 

 

 

Thank you for the kind words.

 

You're right, misery loves company.

[darkblue]

I do love her and I want her to be happy. But, there's always a part of you that wishes it would fail. Misery loves company, as they say. Plus, it's not that I wish it will fail, I bet it will fail.

You won't be miserable forever. And it will not matter to you whether or not it fails or succeeds - you have to take control of what you can change and what you can do.

 

 

 

 

Yes, you are right. I just can't see my life without her in it somehow.

You can't see that now. But give it time - without her.

 

 

 

At this point, I'm pretty dry. I've streamed enough tears that I don't know how my eyes produce more.

Don't worry about running out.

Keep the fluids up and get used to it.

[pos69sum]

you are carrying yourself well. nobody knows you are struggling inside, except us but that's ok - keep it to yourself, do what you need to do to get stronger. right now you are looking like a man to her, nonchalant, a hardass, someone who can be by themself. keep it that way.

[pos69sum]

if you break NC - what will happen? you will feel better for about 5 seconds, until you realize that you are opening up old wounds that are just starting to heal. then you will have to start again from scratch. and - contacting her will not get her back. if she is going to come back, let her do it on her own - she knows how you feel, and where to reach you. for now, you are doing great.

[NoMoreWill]

I still think about her everyday..

 

It's unfortunate but the only way I can deal is to start hating her.. I'm beginning to feel my anger rise towards her.

 

Does anyone else ever start getting mad or angry at their ex?

[brando]

I don't think hating her is going to help, it didn't with my ex, it made me feel worse for trying to trick myself.

 

I think it is fascinating this thing called love. And from what i have learned the more we want to hang on to them the more selfish we are. Im not accusing you of this, it is something i have read more than once o these situations.

 

You are going to have to look within yourself to fill the emptiness, because she is not able to do that even if you two were to be together.

 

Happiness is an inside job.

 

Do what you need to do to let her go. Hate her, Do that NC thing, whatever it takes. But most importantly take care of you.

 

It sounds as if she was having an affair, you mentioned her husband. Well if she is fooling around on him, what makes you think she wouldn't fool around on you as well???? Think about it.

 

I don't know if missing someone is a sign of love?????

 

The thoughts of her, well we do choose to think what we want, our thoughts do not choose us, so you have some control over that.

 

Hang in their, you will get through this.

 

be well,

Brando