I want out.

[RayKay]

I understand leaving when he isnt there....

 

but again, I need to break that emotional connection before I can leave. Otherwise, it'll keep me here...I honestly love him...

 

Well, you won't be able to just "break it", that comes with time...and sweetie, staying there won't help it be broken, and you don't HAVE time with this guy. You have to however make a commitment to move on. Listen to Hope, she has been there, knows how you are feeling, and knows how hard it is. She left a very abusive relationship, and now is doing wonderfully - has a wonderful boyfriend whom loves her, she is going through Nursing program and is a great inspiration. You CAN do it.

[RunToMe]

I know that I can... eventually. I need to build up emotional strength, because as of now I feel like I have none. Nor the courage. I can not just go home tonight, throw everything I own into my compact car along with my animals and go live out of my car... It wouldnt work. I have a job where I am required to look a certain way, and well... getting ready in my car would make me look far less presentable. As fickle as my boss is, I fear it could mean I would lose my job. And THAT is not something that I can risk at the moment.

[Hope75]

Honey,

 

Let me ask you something.

 

What do you think you are going to say to him that he will listen to to break this emotional attachment?

 

How do you think that dragging on a breakup by staying with him to "end the attachment" is actually going to end the attachment? Are you planning to stay until you hate him? Until all feelings are gone? Why?

 

Anything you say to him that begins with "I am leaving you because...." he is just going to shut out anyway, because he won't want to hear it.

 

I suspect part of why you don't want to just leave, but want to talk with him and "break off ties", is because you want (again) to try and reason with him and get him to promise to change. You want to barter with him and let him know that if he doesn't change, you want to leave. You want him to change. You will anything you can to get him to change.

 

Girl, if he wanted to change, he would have been doing it already. The sad truth is that he doesn't want to, and isn't ready to, and may never want to.

 

Let me tell you what I did. I waited until my ex was working a 12 hour shift at his new job. A few days before, I had contacted my brother, father, sister and about 10 of my closest friends. My parents were very excited and welcomed me back to live with them.

 

My friends and family came 30 minutes after my ex left for work. They brought trucks and vans and cars. We threw all my stuff in trash bags and threw them in the back. At the time I had 2 dogs, a 140lb Rottie and a 60lb pit bull. I had two cats also. I put the cats in carriers and loaded the dogs too. We made a few trips, and I was out with all of my things in less than 8 hours.

 

 

It takes a bit of advanced planning, but you can definitely pull it off.

 

Who is watching out for YOU?

[Itsok]

Careful planning is necessary to get out of these situations, and determination. You have to realize that what is happening is a continuous cycle, and that is all it is. Now that you are contemplating leaving, he will sense that and be the most loving and caring he has been in months. Abusers are very manipulative and many are just plain con artists. They want to keep you in this cycle because it is of benefit for them. Abusers don't love, they only cling to the familiar, and to their victims.

 

Everyone is absolutely right that you must leave when he isn't home.

 

Is your family in the same city/town as you are? Do you have a friend to turn to? What you should do is slowly pack up things that won't be noticed. If he does notice that some things are missing, say that you were cleaning and threw out some old junk of yours, but never mention anything unless he specifically asks.

 

Be sure to tell your friends/parents when you are planning on escaping/moving out. You must have a safe place to go, and you must be able to leave very quickly. For example, when you know he is going out with the guys for a few hours, you must be prepared to phone your friend and say "Let's move!" and get them to help you pack up what you want/need and get out.

 

Expect you'll lose some physical possessions in this process. That is a very small price to pay for emotional freedom.

 

You say you have an emotional connection to him. Honey, it's only the abuser/victim connection. Once you are away from him, you'll feel confused at first but clarity of mind will come very soon.

 

And also, it's like getting out of a normal relationship as well. You have to learn to let go of the relationship and move on, it's as simple as that. You have to make the decision that this is so unhealthy that it isn't worth staying, and not worth destroying yourself for.

 

No one can tell you what to do. You have to make the decision yourself. I think you already have, but are asking advice on how to do it. You CAN get out if you plan carefully and maintain STRICT NO CONTACT once you do escape.

[Hope75]

I know that I can... eventually. I need to build up emotional strength, because as of now I feel like I have none. Nor the courage. I can not just go home tonight, throw everything I own into my compact car along with my animals and go live out of my car... It wouldnt work. I have a job where I am required to look a certain way, and well... getting ready in my car would make me look far less presentable. As fickle as my boss is, I fear it could mean I would lose my job. And THAT is not something that I can risk at the moment.

 

Excuses aren't going to help you. You are making them because you don't want to leave.

 

The truth is there will NEVER be a good time to leave someone and move out quickly.

 

Think about this seriously. Make a plan. Is there a friend that you can live with? Your parents? A sibling? Anything temporary.

 

Gather friends, support, rent a truck or van, and plan to do it when you know he won't be around for several hours.

 

You CAN do this, if you really want to.

[Itsok]

Also, the longer you stay, the less strength you will have. You have to build up every ounce of courage and strength within you and start preparing to get the heck out of this mess! Sure it won't be easy! It will be hard!

 

Getting out of this will be a big breath of fresh air for you if you'll go through with it. You can do it!

[RunToMe]

Why would I tell everyone that I do infact wish to leave, but then make excuses because I "dont want to leave"? Do I wish he would change, yes. I love him with every part of my heart.

 

I feel trapped. My grandmother and her two dogs moved into the spare bedroom at my parents house, so there is no room for me or my animals. In all, there are now 6 dogs at the house, which is 2 over the limit for our city. My friends all live in one room apartments and, all of us being animal lovers, have an apartment full of critters themselves....

[Itsok]

Problem solving is in order here.

 

If you seriously want out, you will find a way, you will not make excuses, and you will find a way to do it.

 

Start looking for an apartment of your own, or look in the paper for people looking for room mates. Or ask one of your friends to consider moving into a two bedroom somewhere, or renting a house together if you have that many animals.

 

There's nothing saying you must STAY with your parents forever. You could crash on the couch for two weeks while looking for another place.

 

Don't keep telling yourself that there's no way out. It seems your only obstacle is really yourself. You have friends and family to turn to. You could ask someone to look after your animals for a few weeks while you sort things out, etc. The possibilities are endless.

 

There are abused women who leave and live in shelters because they have no money, no job, 3 small kids, and a psycho after them. If they can get out, you can too.

[RunToMe]

One of the main things that is holding me back are my animals. I will NOT part with them, for no reason, for no amount of money, nothing. I took them into my home knowing that they would be MY responsibility until the day they die. I cannot simply send them somewhere while I sort out my problems. It isnt their fault this is happening, so why should they suffer... I do see animals as being nearly human.. i know many people dont agree. But that is why I wont part with them.

My credit is SHOT. I can not, by law, apply for an apartment on my own. I do not make enough money to consider renting a house. Duplexes here rent for atleast $1,000 a month and that is well beyond my means.

My parents will not allow anymore animals in their house. And like I said, I will not part with them.

 

Again, I feel trapped.

[DN]

Phone a local women's shelter and ask for advice, mention your problem with your animals and see if there is a solution that they can offer.

 

Why can't you rent an apt. by law? Because of your credit? Are you sure that is correct? Again, ask the women's shelter

[RunToMe]

I have looked into getting my own apartment many times, at many different complexes.

 

My renters history and credit keep me from being able to rent ANYTHING for the next 60 months. Nice life choices, huh? I know...

[Itsok]

Do your parents know what is going on? Have you told them all that has happened? If they knew, I'm sure they would temporarily allow you to have your pets at their home with them.

 

I agree, phone a woman's shelter and see what they say. They might have better advice and more concrete solutions to your problem.

 

Legally you can't rent an apartment because you have bad credit? I've actually never heard that before. I thought if you can put down the money, it's yours.

 

Are you unable to sign yourself up 'co lease' if you know what I mean? Couldn't I for example rent the apartment in my name and add you on the lease? You mentioned before that you wanted your bf to add you on...that must be viable at least.

 

I bet you could get a roomie and things would be alright, but phone the shelter and ask lots of questions and advice about your situation.

 

Also, tell them about your credit problem. I bet that they know a place, or could 'recommend' you to an apartment complex for your own safety. Give it a whirl.

[RunToMe]

I suppose I will call them. I do not see the apartment issue getting fixed anytime soon, but its worth a try.

[Hope75]

No one is saying that you have to give up your pets. I did not give up my pets when I left my ex either.

 

Suppose you went on vacation for a few weeks. Would you entrust someone to care for you pets? This is the same principle, though much more dire. Is there someone who can watch out for your pets for a few weeks while you have time to think?

 

What about kicking your ex out of your present apt? How did you get that one if you have terrible credit? What about an aunt, sibling, anyone with whom you could stay with short term?

 

DN has a good point, contact some local women's shelters. Contact your parents and talk to them first. I have a feeling would not turn you away if they knew the truth.

 

It seems part of you wants to leave, but another part is making up excuses. I was the same way. Why would you do it? Because you think what you have is love and that if you just hold on and try a little harder that you can fix it, but deep down, I think you know that you can't fix it.

 

If your parents knew the situation they would surely help you, even short term. You could find somewhere to shelter your pets temporarily until you get settled.

 

I understand you love the pets, but don't forget you have a commitment to YOURSELF above and beyond all others. If you are in danger and being disrespected like you are, and have been hurt by this man already as you say you have, regardless of the consequences, that is abuse.

 

Think of it this way, suppose the boyfriend ends up cripping or killing you. What happens to your pets then?

[Relationship Coach]

Runtome,

I agree with what the others are saying and I hear what you are saying. The fact remains we can only give you the advice that we feel is best for you, whether you act on it or not is 100% up to you. As for your pets, I understand this as well, I have 2 dogs and 3 cats. You have to put yourself first, before your pets. What kind of pets are they? There may be some places in your city that will take them in while you are going through this transition. I know here in Vegas, there are "foster home" like places for animals.

 

You need to change your mind set. This guy has controlled you for too long and you are "brainwashed"! You can't "love" someone you are afraid of. That's not love. You may love the fact that he takes care of you while you don't work but that is what has put you in to your present dilemma! You need to pack up what is yours and get out! Pretend he is going to kill you when you get home and get out.

 

Your excuses are nothing more than that, excuses. You are developing a very common trait that makes you feel guilty for leaving him. This is a perfect example of being "brainwashed".

 

Although the concept of "brainwashing" is usually associated with prisoners of war, there are examples in our everyday world, Kidnappings, cults, and domestic violence raise issues about victims and their ability to fight off or recover from brainwashing.

 

Brainwashing occurs when a person is overwhelmed physically and psychologically while under the control of the aggressor. The victim loses individual responsibility and decision making ability as the aggressor uses subtle or direct force to gain more and more dominance. This can occur quickly when the trauma is severe or surprising, like a kidnapping. The violence occurs and the victim's whole world is turned upside down. Or, brainwashing can take a longer period of time, as in domestic violence, when a wife, over a period of years, gradually comes under the hypnotic power of an abusive husband.

 

As with any victimization, the person loses her healthy support system and the reality checks that keep us normal. The victim is so emotionally vulnerable that a deviant can force a new reality. Once in place, the deviant reality is accepted with virtually no dissonance. That is why victims must be de programmed out of the reach of the deviant before resuming normal functioning. This healing can take weeks, months or years regardless of whether the victim is kidnapped, in a cult, or a prisoner of war.

 

The psychological principle that explains a victim's compliance is termed "identification with the aggressor." This means that victims lose so much of their individual identity that they adopt the ways of their captor. This explains how victims seem to support, empathize with, and have difficulty escaping from their captors. Outsiders have questioned this process because it is so hard to grasp the concept of losing one's identity to the point of being enslaved by another.

 

Please, never second guess a victim who feels she is only able to survive based on getting along with the aggressor. Even a strong, resilient individual can lose it when a captor has tools of violence and control. If you have never been threatened with a weapon, been beat up, or been forced to endure extended time with psychological warfare, you have no right to question a victim or assume that you would have done better.

 

Victims primarily fear consequences; anything they do may be disagreeable and could worsen the situation. Victims are broken down physically by

1) threats of more violence, and

2) creating physical changes or hardships such as imprisonment or controlling the victim's every move.

Victims are broken psychologically by

1) destroying the victim's sense of well-being and safety, and

2) the aggressor forcing a dogma and new way leaving the victim no chance to dispute it.

 

Victims also go downhill because of an issue of complicity. They feel some degree of guilt of being at fault for what went wrong. Our culture has promulgated a distorted view that we have more control than we do and that accidents and bad fortune can be rooted in our own inadequacies. Or, that we deserve what we get. Victims often backtrack from feeling bad to that undeserving distortion that they caused the problem. This self-doubt makes it easier for the aggressor to dominate.

 

Sometimes victims don't know any better. An abused wife may have been set-up early in life by a father being violent to her mother, a sibling, or herself. A victim may have been sheltered in a loving environment growing up and is, thereforeeee, totally shocked when the trauma occurs. This is not to imply that there is anything wrong with a sheltered upbringing; we need genuinely nice people. However, we need to provide proper resources if someone like this is damaged.

 

Most can fully recover from brainwashing once they are out of the crisis that precipitated it. Life is different, and there may be some residual feelings that intrude once in a while. Every day life must become healthy again, or we have let the perpetrators win.

 

You have a choice in taking action or not. You have cried out to us for help but you chose to contimue to weakly justify your reasons for staying. In Hurricane Katrina, many were forced to leave their pets behind in order to flee to safety, this is a choice you may have to make. The water is rising and there will come the time when it is too late. Why are we putting in more effort in trying to help you than you are? Because you are a victim and only you can change that. Good Luck.

[Dako]

RC is giving you the truth.

No one here is trying to insult or hurt you, but you have to take that first step. It's like learning to swim. Soon you'll wonder what was so scary, and you'll be safer than before.