I want out.

[RunToMe]

I have posted before, about one of his random outbursts of anger, and how he expects to have sex with me whenever he wants it. He will go on and on about how good he is to me, because I live in HIS apartment free of rent. Groceries and vet bills PLUS my personal bills can not compare to the financial responsibility he has in this relationship... so he says. HE is holding up this relationship. If not for his paycheck, I would have NO WHERE to live, so I should be grateful. He thinks that paying rent is the definition of love.

 

I am a very affectionate person. I love to hug on, and love on the ones that I love. I need hugs, cuddles, and such.... maybe to feel like I am loved, I dont know. Our relationship is void of all affection except for when he's sleeping. Then he wants to be as close to me as possible. Occasionally I will get a random hug, but it is always in a sexual way. He will hug me, but grope me at the same time. And he does expect sex when he shows me affection. There is a loveseat, and a large chair in our livingroom. I know that if he has come to sit next to me on the loveseat, it is because he expects sex. More often than not, he sits in his chair. But he will sometimes come sit next to me, but he forces me to move so he can sit on the side of the couch that HE likes to sit on, and he may put his arm around me, or rest his legs over mine. It has gotten to a point where I don't even want him to sit by me anymore. I know that no matter what, he will either grope my chest or my crotch or push my head down into his crotch. He believes that these actions should make me want to be interested in sex. And when I get upset, he gets mad at me. I address this issue often, but he never changes. I am always wrong because if I had sex as often as he wanted, he wouldnt feel the need to grope me and he would be satisfied. I feel like I am OBLIGATED to have sex with him.

 

I did post about that before, but I can not get over it. I have to give in to him, or else I am "punished". What I mean by that is that instead of talking to me or joking , he'll ignore me completely. If we're in bed and I try to shoot him down, he'll roll over and turn his back to me. He deprives me of what little affection he is willing to give me when I do not want to have sex with him. Either that, or he will pressure me into it. I hate it. I am not an object. I am a person! I have needs, wants, emotions, etc. Why cant he see this?

 

I am not free. I feel like a prisoner. I am afraid to leave. He does scare me, and I never thought I'd say that about anyone I dated. If we are roughhousing, and I accidentally get too rough and hurt him, he has been known to hurt me back. He has pulled my hair very hard, kicked me, and punched me in the ribs because he was mad that I injured him. I would never do it on purpose! And as soon as he's done it, he'll tell me that I'm mean or to never do whatever it was that I had done again. The other evening, we were watching something while sitting together and started horsing around. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but he got hurt or something. He rared back and had his fist ready to punch me. The look in his eyes was one of pure hatred, and I was positive he was going to get me in the face. He stopped his fist about 3 inches from my nose and said "oooooh you have no idea how bad I want to hit you". Not the first time he's done this, but this time I did tell him that he scared me. I told him that he didnt even look like himself when he was mad, like he was someone else. And he replied with "you know I would never hurt you". Well, no, I dont....

 

I am afraid that if I leave, he will hurt himself. He had a horrible childhood and attempted to kill himself when he was 15. He is very depressed and says that he wants to change. But he always has excuses why he cant. "I don't have the money!" "I dont like the way the medicine makes me feel" "I dont have a doctor down here". I am a very social person. I love my friends and I love to be around people. Our friends will call the house and invite us to come over, and he'll tell them that we'll be there. But then about an hour before we are supposed to leave, he'll say that he doesnt feel well or that he just doesnt want to go anymore. That is exactly how I ended up spending New Years alone with him at the apartment, instead of with our friends.

 

I want someone who actually LOVES me. Who wants to sit next to me, or hold my hand, or give me a hug without having other intentions!

 

This morning he has been different. I think he must be able to tell that I am at the end of my rope. He has been saying "I love you" every 10 minutes. He hugged me 3 times before we went to work. And then he called and said that his new years resolution was "US". He said he will get back on meds, once he gets some money saved up. I feel like I'm being pulled in every direction, and I dont know what to do.

 

I'm sorry this was so long guys. I just needed a way to release everything.

[BellaDonna]

He sounds both physcially and emotionally abusive.

 

Is there any way that you can save money without him knowing?

 

Do you have a friend or family member that you can confide in?

 

Is there a Women's Center in your area that you can call for help?

 

It sounds like this situation is only going to get worse with time.You need to make a plan to get out and identify people and resources that can help.

 

 

 

You've taken the important first step, which is to realize you don't want to be in this unhealthy/abusive situation anymore.

 

As you develop your plan, you need to protect yourself while you're in the home. I would say you should refrain from all playfighting because he obviously can't handle that, and he's more likely to hurt you that way. If you don't want to have sex with him, fake illness of some kind- yeast infection or some other "mysterious female-problem" would be best so that you can keep him away from you. Thats' what I'd do if I were in your shoes. I hope you can get out ASAP.

 

I'm sure others will post advice too.

 

BellaDonna

[RunToMe]

So is it still considered physical abuse if he has only done that about a handful of times? And I've never really been injured from it, i mean, yes it hurts when he does it but i'm never left with bruises or anything.

[Itsok]

Of course it's abuse darling, period. Let me PM you. You have your PM disabled.

[RunToMe]

Do I? lemme try to fix it.

[BellaDonna]

I'd say if someone puts a closed fist within mere inches of your face, with a look of hate in their eyes- it's abuse. Even if there was not physical contact, it was inches away, and there was emotional intimidation and fear instilled in you. And next time he might not hold back.

 

Aside form that, he's actually punched you before.

 

You also posted your topic under "abuse and violence" which tells me that you know this is abusive behavior, even if it was a handful of times. It's not acceptable any of the time.

 

BellaDonna

[Dako]

I

I'm sorry this was so long guys. I just needed a way to release everything.

 

The way to release everything is pretty clear.

I'd bet you have a friend who would be eager to help you if you make that step. Someone who's been silently hoping you'd do it, but afraid to bring it up.

Yes it's hard, but you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself and stop being used.

 

Pardon my bluntness:

He's got you trained pretty well. You fear him, worry about his welfare and respond to his remorse by not leaving. He has all the control, so you won't leave him despite your better instincts. He even uses money as a weapon to keep you in line. Has he totally wrecked your self-esteem so you don't even want a better life?

 

I hope you make that effort for yourself. Afterwards you'll be glad you did.

Best of luck.

[RunToMe]

 

You also posted your topic under "abuse and violence" which tells me that you know this is abusive behavior, even if it was a handful of times. It's not acceptable any of the time.

 

BellaDonna

 

 

I did post it here, as in my last thread, I was told I am in an abusive relationship.

[Itsok]

Still nothing with regards to PMing you. It says you have it disabled.

[RunToMe]

How do I enable the PM function?

[BellaDonna]

Click on "Quick Links" (upper right hand area of your screen)

 

Click on Edit Options from the drop-down menu

 

Under Messaging and Notification

 

check the box next to "Enable Private Messages"

 

then at the bottom of the page, click Save Changes

[RayKay]

It also may not have been working yet as you are a new member. However, it should work now - it won't work until you have 5 posts I believe.

[RunToMe]

Hmmm... not an option for PMs for me yet...

[RunToMe]

And this is the link to my first post about our relationship.

[Itsok]

go to 'articles' then click on 'identifying losers in relationships.' It's a long read, and the biggest wake up call of your life.

 

I know you think you can't escape because of a variety of reasons. I want to tell you this: the time to act is now. Start planning your departure. Start saving up some extra cash from working, tell your friends and family what has happened/is happening and plan a time to get out.

 

When you leave, remember that he will suddenly become a completely different person. He will act like you were when you first started dating, he will profess his undying love and tell you how he is going to change.

 

Most women leave abusers up to 7 times before leaving completely. That's how many times you believe the bull promises. Don't believe it.

 

Nothing you do/don't do, the way you act/don't act, no matter who you are or are not, he will ALWAYS be this way to you and to anyone else he dates, period.

 

Read that article and start planning your new year.

 

PEACE!

[BellaDonna]

Itsok,

 

That was an excellant article. Thanks so much for posting it! I just sent it to a bunch of my friends.

 

RunToMe, you should definitely read that. See if any of the characteristics listed match that of your boyfriend. I could pick out some based solely on what you've told us so far.

 

Even if your PM is not working, please keep posting here for help,

 

 

BellaDonna

[RunToMe]

I can see quite a few that match his personality...

[Hope75]

Hi Runtome,

 

I read your thread and I saw myself a few years ago. I lived with and was engaged to a severely depressed man for 5 years, when I was 18-23 years old. He also had a drinking and drug problem, and was very abusive towards me. It started like how you are describing your bf.

 

Like you, I was afraid to leave him because I feared he would hurt or kill himself. I felt obligated to him, before my own self. This went on and on and finally I had to learn the hard way that by not giving up on him, I was giving up on myself.

 

Who is looking out for you?

 

Honey, this man is an adult, and he has the responsibility to seek help for himself if he feels he is in over his head. It is not your job to support him, or hold him up emotionally. Most importantly, depression is not an excuse to be abusive towards someone you are supposed to love.

 

Someone who is severely depressed likely does not love himself, how can he love you?

 

Obligation and fear is not a reason to stay with someone. I nearly lost my own life before I left my ex. I still felt guilty about it. The night I left he OD'd on drugs and nearly died... our neighbor found him on the floor in our apt. He lived, and today he is married with a daughter and he still uses drugs, drinks, is still depressed, and beats his wife. ( I know through mutual friends what's going on).

 

Girl, know that you do deserve more than this and that you do NOT owe this man your soul, you are NOT responsible for his well being, but you ARE responsible for your own.

[RunToMe]

I want to leave, but he does like I described and sucks me back in. And then I believe that he'll change only to be dissappointed the next time he screws up. I feel like I'm stuck!

[Hope75]

I want to leave, but he does like I described and sucks me back in. And then I believe that he'll change only to be dissappointed the next time he screws up. I feel like I'm stuck!

Hon,

 

I hung on for 5 years waiting for my guy to change. The truth is they are not going to change for us. They will only change if and when they want to and are ready to accept the professional help and put in the energy and effort it takes to make the change. It's very difficult and it rarely happens. I left my ex in 1998 after 5 years of waiting. It's now 13 years later (since I first began seeing him) and he still hasn't changed.

 

Meanwhile, you are in a brewing pot for physical abuse. Not only does your guy need to address his depression and get help for that, he has an anger and abuse problem that needs to be addressed and corrected. The odds are against him, and you aren't going to change him.

 

How much of your life and safety are you willing to sacrafice waiting for him to change?

 

As some other women on this site how long they waited for their partner to change. Ask some men the same question. Most hung on for quite awhile and it never came to fruition.

 

The person you need to watch out for first is YOU. Who is taking care of YOU?

 

He can only "suck you back in", if you let him.

[Relationship Coach]

You wont find someone who really loves you where you are at now. The only way is to decide if you want to live like a kept woman or save yourself. It's hard to walk away from the security of this type of relationship but he has complete control of you and it will only get worse as you grow weaker. You have become so co-dependent on him that you have lost yourself. Get help, there are places you can go to that will help you start over again. Once you make this choice, there is no going back and NC is the only to have your freedom. Where are you located so we can help you with your options.

[Dako]

"I want to leave, but..."

 

That says volumes.

[RunToMe]

I am in north central texas actually.

 

 

how do i stop feeling as if I am doing something wrong by leaving? how do I sever the emotional umbilical (sp?) cord??? I think thats what is going to send me packing. Once I can stop depending on him... but HOW?

he has threatened before that if I choose to leave, he'll throw all my things off the balconey if I cant get everything out of his apartment in an hour... and as you can expect, thats not something I want to happen. I have animals also, and although I do not really think he'd hurt them if I tried to leave, the thought is still in the back of my brain. Sort of like how I think he'd hit me if he got upset enough...

[RayKay]

I am in north central texas actually.

 

 

how do i stop feeling as if I am doing something wrong by leaving? how do I sever the emotional umbilical (sp?) cord??? I think thats what is going to send me packing. Once I can stop depending on him... but HOW?

he has threatened before that if I choose to leave, he'll throw all my things off the balconey if I cant get everything out of his apartment in an hour... and as you can expect, thats not something I want to happen. I have animals also, and although I do not really think he'd hurt them if I tried to leave, the thought is still in the back of my brain. Sort of like how I think he'd hit me if he got upset enough...

 

You have to leave when he is NOT there. And this is important.

 

Call a friend, or a family member, heck, hire a moving company. Take the day off work when you know he is not around. And get it ALL out of there and moved there and then. Animals included.

 

And leave nothing of yours but a note.

 

While it's not the traditional classy way of breaking it off, I have found through other people's experiences it is the ONLY safe way to do it.

[RunToMe]

I understand leaving when he isnt there....

 

but again, I need to break that emotional connection before I can leave. Otherwise, it'll keep me here...I honestly love him...