Will he ever leave?

[pale]

Ok I need input. I'm seeing a man who is separated from his wife but still lives in the same house for the sake of their son (separate rooms of course! and yes i do know for a fact!) The dilema is that he feels like he is abandoning their son if he leaves and it is a fear that is eating him alive. He wants so much to be out of that relationship yet the fear is still keeping him there. He is seeing a counsellor to help of course but I wanted to know if anyone has ever been in this situation? I wouldn't be in this if I didn't believe that he would eventually leave. I've been doing this ](*,) so much my head hurts. I guess some of you will think I'm stupid but thats love for you. Does anyone have any thoughts about things that may make him come around? Maybe i should be the one seeing a shrink All thoughts appreciated.

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

Hi Pale,

 

I know you love him so much.. But you need to respect his feelings right now.. From what you are saying he wants to leave too.. Caring for his son is a good thing.. It doesnt mean it will be like this forever.. You need to be patient till he feels ready and more comfortable to leave..

 

If a man cares that much about his son, it would mean that he is a responsible and kind hearted man.. So be happy, respect his fear now and wait till things get easier..

[darkblue]

LOL. I don't think you need to see a shrink... yet.

 

It is excellent that he cares so much about being there for his son. That is admirable, and I think you respect that. However, I can see how his staying in the same house as his ex would get to you.

 

Ask him to sit down with his ex, and arrange times and schedules for when he can pick his son up and spend time with him.

That way, he still gets to see his son, but he does not have to live under the same roof as his ex.

[annie24]

hmmm.... I'm not as sure about the situation as the guys here are.... This woman is not his official ex yet. "separated" but living in the same house.... lots of married men have used that excuse before....

 

does his wife know about you?

 

Honestly, I would leave him alone. Tell him once he straightens out his living situation, he should give you a call. However, until then, I think you should stay away from him.

 

For example, he can find a place a few blocks away and still see his son and move out of the house.

 

if you want the relationship to progress, he HAS to move out of the house. What are you going to do, move into this house with him and his wife and the kid? No. He's going to have to move at some point.

 

Don't see him until things have been settled.

 

good luck

[Mun]

It's good that he is going to counseling, maybe the therapist will let him know that he can be there for his son ( and won't lose him) even if he gets a divorce. He needs to believe that.

 

If you feel like this situation is tearing you up inside then you have to look out for your well being. He is looking out for his afterall. If he honestly loves you and you tell him to look you up when he is available, he will.

 

Never wait for a married man, if you do, you give him no incentive to divorce

[pale]

Wow thank you all so much. AlwaysNeedHelp I must say I like your response the best LOL mainly because that is exactly the way I feel. I am being patient and I respect him highly for the way he cares for his son. Makes me realise how much he will care for our children one day. I do think that I should stay away sometimes but it breaks me up inside more than it does waiting for him to get the courage to leave. We have come up with a few strategies since my last post, we've been thinking non stop and hopefully we'll have some good news soon. I know I will take on board all this information and I know that when it gets beyond my patience what I need to do for myself. It was just so nice hearing from people with positive outlooks. One thing that sticks in my mind is the old saying "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was always yours to begin with". Thanks again

[annie24]

Never wait for a married man, if you do, you give him no incentive to divorce

 

I agree with Mun.

 

Well, I know my advice isn't what people always want to hear, but I don't want to see you get hurt by waiting years and years for him.

 

I've had several friends get involved with married men, or men who were living with their gfs, and the guys always just kept saying, "I hate my wife/gf, I'm going to leave her right after the holidays/valentine's day/her birthday... etc." And the deadline just keeps being pushed back and back.

 

And, my friends just keep waiting. I told several of them, "If you put your foot down, he would chose you, not his wife or gf" but, no one listens to me, and months or years down the road, they are crying on my shoulder, wishing the wife or gf would just die.

 

Obviously, circumstances are somewhat different with you, with the child and with the separation. But, as you know, he can be a wonderful father without living under the same roof as his ex.

 

we just want the relationship to progress for you. Good luck!

[RayKay]

I have to agree with Annie and Mun, even if it is not what you want to hear.

 

While they are separated, they are not yet divorced, and that certainly adds it own complications. Yes, patience is required, but you also have to see action. If he makes promises but does not follow through, do a "check up" of the relationship of sorts.

 

He can be there for his son, and not be in the same house, and get a divorce. Respect YOUR needs too, just as much as his.

 

Also, keep your eyes open. I have seen many situations where someone is going through a seperation/divorce and what the new girlfriend/boyfriend is being told is not always the true case. He may be there for his son as he is kindhearted, it may also be as he is really not ready to move on from his marriage. After all, it is probably not great for his son to see his parents together, but apart too, either. There is also a LOT of emotional stuff to deal with through/after divorce that they often don't even know yet. Just be aware.

[Mun]

Give yourself a timeline to wait for him and stick to it.

 

2 Questions: How long have you been with him and how old are you?

 

You don't want this to happen to you: I had a friend who was waiting for her MM. He said his home life was hell. At some point his wife kicked him out. You'd think he would go looking for my friend, he didn't, he went to his brother's then back home a few days later. That pretty much killed her inside...the thing they ( that's what she thought...)were most waiting for had happened and yet he went back with the wife--who he didn't sleep with-- and stayed with her. His reasons? it was too expensive for him to divorce.

 

This is your life, don't wait too long...

[Toolate]

I don't mean to be harsh, but do you love yourself cause I love myself. Why would you want to be involved with a man that can't hold you up as a women but want you to hold him up with is problems. I just think that he is strongly use his son as an exuse not to leave. Live by you standard "LIVE FOR THE MOMENT YOU MAY NOT GET ANOTHER CHANCE".

 

I say leave him alone and find time for you and youself get stronger so that you can tell him were to get off. I know this is hard believe me I been through it but you can do it trust me.

 

I wish you all the best. Everyone in this would has the right to be loved the right way accourding to there feelings.

[brando]

its a tough situation for you to be in. Just be careful he is in a vulnerable situation right now. Even if he wasn't living there, the wound of divorce is still fresh.

 

Love is a choice, you choose to love this man, it isn't chosen for you. You have no obligations to him. You do have control over this situation. You can choose to put up with it, or choose to break away and let the chips fall where they may. Their is more to come from this as well. Even if he moves to his own place, he will grieve the marriage, and the x will always be part of his life due to his son. So dont believe it will be happily ever after when their divorce is final. Look on thses boards here, and u will see the problems, the questions, the pain we all suffer from simialr situations.

 

Be sure to take care of yourself, be true to yourself, is this what you truly want??? Do you deserve more?? Ask yourself that, please.

 

Take what you want from my words and leave what you dont want.

 

be well,

brando