Can't stand the pain she's put me through

[Miss M]

She is cranking up her efforts because she realizes she's really losing you. The more it sinks in, the more she panics, and then the more she calls you. She's doing all kinds of things to get to you, and is ESPECIALLY trying to have a "poor, poor, pitiful me" pity party. Don't fall for it.

 

This following excerpt is about what happens when you try to break free. It's from the article "The Loser" Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

link removed

Notice what he says at the bottom of the last paragraph about the dog jumping a fence...

 

Breakup Panic - "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!"

 

They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

[Lykke 32]

Dear StandtheRain,

 

puha, that´s tought.... I definitely agree with everything Miss M wrote (quote-quote-quote-true!!-quote-definitely true-quote-quote-typical abuser-quote-quote ) and I vote for no contact!

 

Did you ever think about changing your phone number? I would do that...

 

This is so awful, what she´s doing.... Come on, girl, don´t let her do this to you!

 

Miss M, I would like to ask, whether you know about, how serious the abuser is, when she frightens about doing some harm to herself? Is it probable, that she is gonna do it? Or is it just another manipulative bla bla bla blaaaaaaaa... ? I would say, it´s blaaaa....

 

StandtheRain, be strong! NC! NC! NC! Friendship is not an option!!! It wouldn´t change anything! And it didn´t work before! Remember??!

 

Hugs

[StandtheRain]

I received a text last night from her and a couple today. The one last night stated:

 

i miss you you know that and i know you can care less or won't answer me but i do

 

Earlier today I received two from her - but this time it's a proposal on the situation (I cleaned up the messages slightly for easier understanding):

 

[my name] i know you don't care to hear what i have to say ever, but can u? i can't find peace for myself and can't move on without making peace with you. i don't sleep or eat cuz i need to deal with this; how it ended and you might be reading this and saying hell no but accept this and can we talk about it tonight plz

 

Plz think it over. i am not saying let's be a couple or speak after this, i am just asking to make peace so i can go on cuz i can't do that until i do with you so plz

 

What should I do? It almost seems like she accepted the fact that I won't have anything to do with her and will leave it alone (maybe?). Perhaps I should just give her the chance to say what she has to and go. But somehow, all this seems too familiar to me . The difference is that this time she appears to let me go my way. So possibly, it might be ok to agree to "discuss" things over (I am almost certain I won't fall back this time)? There are matters I would like to get off my chest and express to her also - this might be a good time to do it and leave everything once and for all.

 

(Also thank you again, Lykke and Miss M, for sticking by me through all this )

[Miss M]

I vote for continuing to ignore her. The more you can stick to completely ignoring, the faster it will all be over. If you respond you'll just drag it out even longer. Ignoring her is the way to make her finally give up because it starves her of what she wants/needs the most, and that's the attention from you. If you think of her as an "attention junkie," then you will understand why she really sounds so desperate. And you'll also realize that ignoring her doesn't give her that "fix" that she so badly craves. In fact, it gives her the exact opposite, silence... and it's the silence that will finally make her give up. Truly there's nothing else seems to work better than just a complete non-response, total and unremitting blank silence. If you respond, even a tiny bit, you break the silence, giving her a giddy hopefulness, and you open it up again with all the accompanying drama. Even a tiny response from you will recharge her... giving her an actual buzz just like a drug, and then she will start again trying to manipulate your emotions in an even more earnest way so she can get more of her drug of choice.

 

Every single message she's sending you is specifically meant to manipulate your emotions. She is especially skilled at writing all the kinds of things that pull on your heart. She's pulling out all the stops to pull on your emotions because she needs your attention. Attention junkies get desperate... and are very clever at getting a response. In that way she knows you even better than you know yourself. I know it seems as if it's easy for me to sit back and write this, but when you're able to sit back and watch this routine a few times without getting emotionally pulled in, it's all very clinical... and predictable. She really is a textbook classic abuser who's in the throes of withdrawal symptoms. And you shouldn't ever trust a junkie who makes promises in that state of withdrawal.

 

Maybe it will help if I "translate" some of this...

i miss you you know that and i know you can care less or won't answer me but i do

Translation poor pitiful me, I'm suffering so. And you're doing so well to ignore me. Well, I'll just assign you the untrue and inaccurate traits of being a non-caring person so you'll feel compelled to defend yourself. I know you really do care, you've demonstrated it time and time and time again. But I also know you can't resist defending yourself if I tell you that you don't really care. So, I'll throw in a false accusation, and I'll pretend to wallow pain, and I'll put on a dramatic performance, while pretending you don't care... now don't you feel sorry for me? Wah!

 

 

[my name] i know you don't care to hear what i have to say ever, but can u? i can't find peace for myself and can't move on without making peace with you. i don't sleep or eat cuz i need to deal with this; how it ended and you might be reading this and saying hell no but accept this and can we talk about it tonight plz

Translation Again, I fully know you care, but I'm gonna pretend that you don't so I can make you feel horribly guilty and obligated to care even more. Wow, you're still ignoring, "but can u" stop taking care of yourself and be manipulated once again into taking care of me? And can't you be manipulated into feeling sorry for me? Well, now I'll try to claim that I need closure so I can finally move on. Won't you grant me one last chance at closure (which I will really use as just another opportunity to get my hooks in you)? Just give me this so-called "closure" and I'll have another go at you, that's for sure. You won't get away again if I can just get one tiny opening.

 

Plz think it over. i am not saying let's be a couple or speak after this, i am just asking to make peace so i can go on cuz i can't do that until i do with you so plz

Translation Don't stop thinking of me yet (plz think it over), don't stop caring about me yet (plz think it over), don't go on to a healthier and sane life where you're not being exploited and abused (plz think it over), don't honor your logical and reasonable feelings (plz think it over). Okay, I'll pretend to be a rational person who just wants a simple friendship. I know you so well... you're the kind of genuinely caring person who couldn't easily deny someone a final request for a friendship. You've obviously given so much, and this is really asking so little, so if I just ask for crumbs maybe you won't be able to resist. I know how much you like to give, so won't you prove your decency and generosity once more and grant me this one small request? How could you refuse such a small and reasonable petition as this?

 

What should I do? It almost seems like she accepted the fact that I won't have anything to do with her and will leave it alone (maybe?). Perhaps I should just give her the chance to say what she has to and go. But somehow, all this seems too familiar to me . The difference is that this time she appears to let me go my way. So possibly, it might be ok to agree to "discuss" things over (I am almost certain I won't fall back this time)? There are matters I would like to get off my chest and express to her also - this might be a good time to do it and leave everything once and for all.

I understand that feeling of wanting to get things off your chest, to feel heard and validated by the person who hurt you, but you should consider how important it is to you to get that from her. She hurt you so you naturally crave for her to heal you. She made you feel invalidated so you naturally crave for her to validate you. I've gotten to a place where I accept that emotional abusers are not my true source of inner validation, so I no longer seek that from them. If you try to get your validation from someone who mistreats you, yes, she might even occasionally give it to you, but she will only be giving it to you as part of her manipulative strategy. She will be giving it to you because a junkie will give you what you want so you will give her what she wants. That's simply how abusers are wired. She will not be giving you validation for your own sake, not because she suddenly turned generous and kind, not because she's truly remorseful. She will be only giving it to you for HER sake, because she is only able to care about herself, no matter how she well she occasionally behaves towards you.

[Lykke 32]

Hej hon, again, again

 

Well, just a couple words.

 

To me it seems like you are stuck in one place and turning round and round, don´t know, what direction to take... What you really want, sweetie? And I am asking as somebody who cares about you.... Look at the date, when your firts post came here.... It´s been a half a year of constant pain and I am not talking about those months before....

 

I know exactly, what you want.... You want a girlfriend, who would treat you nice, love you from the button of her heart, understands you, supports you, trusts you....to be your best friend.... You need a girlfriend to share your life with.....

 

Now, let´s sum it up, ok? Treat you nice? I´ve read carefully everything, you wrote about her and the times, she treated you nice? Where are they? I used the lupe too, and NO, I didn´t find ANY!!

Love you? Yep, this freeky-love-really-has-to-hurt way.... Is this the love you dream of? I doubt it....

Understands you, supports you, trusts you??? She doesn´t understand your needs, but she is perfectly clear about hers.... All I see is you supporting her, whenever she comes up with some ohhh-poor-me-I-need-your-heeeeeelp! story... She doesn´t trusts you, she needs to control you all the time, she is manipulating you exactly the way, she wants....

Sharing your life with her? Come on, girl, you don´t even tell her half of the things, as you are afraid of her reaction....

 

Girlfriend ..... She is not the only one on the planet.... And I dare to say, even if she is the only one on the planet, I would rather move, so we can share the planet together, but from the very very very safe distance....

 

No, I am not giving you a green sign this time.... You´ve tried everything possible and everything impossible to save this relationship..... Now it´s time to move on...

 

I see, that there is something, you would like to get off your chest.... Get HER offfffff your chest first and then make peace with yourself, not with her.... Even if it means, that there are some things, you did and you are not proud of... Deal with it like a man. So what? You are not perfect.... I am not perfect either..... I acted like a b**ch too... At least you can tell to yourself, that there is something, you have learnt from her, right?

 

Don´t talk to her! What would be the new, she would tell you? If you need her empty promises, I guess you´ve got plenty of them 3 months ago. You don´t need anything from her, you don´t owe her any explanation!!!! If you have something to say, say it to me

 

Take care! If you get bored, train, how to be a bit more selfish and think about yourself at the first place (we´ve been talking about it some posts ago, remember?)

 

Hugs

[Miss M]

Another thought about the "attention junkie" idea...

She's really claiming that if you just give her some tiny crumbs of attention she'll leave you alone, and she'll be able to finally move on. But "attention" is her drug of choice. She's begging for a fix. And giving it to her will just keep her hooked to you wanting more. She's saying, "please just give me a tiny bit of what I want (attention), and I'll then give you a what you want (freedom)." But you simply can't "reward" her pursuit of you by giving her the drug she craves. You just can't get rid of her that way. If she really cared about you at all, and if she was really a reasonable person, she wouldn't be trying to strike a bargain with you in this way. Don't get caught in this trap. She's still trying to seduce you, dangling a carrot at you, promising you a reward (freedom) if you will just take care of her needs first. But you've put her needs ahead of yours PLENTY of times and you already know that doesn't work. And really, you can just ignore her and take care of your own needs without getting involved in bargaining with her again. She's trying to pull you back into negotiating the way the way this relationship should end ... (friendship for her? ... closure for her?) ... And how would that help YOU? And does it serve your needs in any way at this point to negotiate about how this should end? You can simply end it without a negotiation at all.

[Miss M]

Hey Lykke, you're literally only seconds ahead of me.

 

Totally, totally agree with all you wrote ... Kudos!

[Lykke 32]

Hej Miss M, great post, perfect "Translations"

 

See, StantheRain, I take your right ear, Miss M takes the left.... Listen, really loud stereo!!