How do I deal?

[LiquidCherry]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. I love him, things are great. BUT...

 

For a long while my boyfriend wasn't totally over his ex. He didn't want to be with her but he still had some feelings I guess. I knew this and made a decision to stay with him anyway.

 

He broke up with me for a period of about six weeks. He did return to me, said he had made a mistake and I took him back.

 

A day before he broke up with me he made out with another girl at the bar. He said when he did it he had already made up his mind to end things with me which was how he rationalized it at the time. He has apologized, feels bad and knows it was wrong.

 

I am very insecure in our relationship now because of these things. I'm afraid if we fight he'll end things again. I worry that he really still isn't over his ex and I'm second choice to him. I also don't trust him like I used to. Mostly I just don't trust how he feels for me. I worry he doesn't really love me or that he'll leave me again.

 

Sometimes I try telling him how I feel but I don't think I do a very good job. He'll tell me he loves me. He tells me he wants only me. It just doesn't make me feel better. He tells me it's all in my head because he really does love me. His words just aren't sinking in.

 

I don't know what to do. This is slowly eating up on me. On one hand I want to sit down and really talk to him and just get it all out at once instead of in a sentence or two. On the other I don't know if there's anything he can do to make me feel reassured and secure so why bother.

 

Is the security in our relationship lost for good? Is there a way to get it back and if so how? Is this something I deal with on my own?

 

I'm tired of feeling like this. I love him so much but if I can't fix it I'm afraid our relationship really is broken for good. I don't want that.

[Andrew217]

Time will answer all those questions. Give it time. Do nothing in haste. Play it out. ... Good luck.

[Hope75]

Does he know why you feel this way?

 

Have you ever sat down and told him exactly why you feel so insecure, in a non threatening and non accusatory way?

 

Asked him to just listen to you, and then think about it and if he has anything he'd like to say, to say it?

 

It takes time to recover from being cheated on and broken up with. It hurts. I don't expect that trust would return overnight, but how long ago was this?

[LiquidCherry]

We got back together on 11/7 so it's been almost 2 months. But I've felt this way for most of our relationship starting when I realized he wasn't over an ex, continueing on when I sensed he was going to break up with me and now still because of everything.

 

Whenever I try to bring it up I'll say something like, "If she came back to you would you still stay with me?" Just questions like that, insecure stupid questions so no, I've never sat down and just told him how I really feel. I just kind of hint around at with with stupid questions.

 

I'm afraid to talk to him about it cause I don't think anything can really be done about it. I'm also kind of afraid he really won't care to even try and I don't know if that is founded or not.

[charliek]

Lc,

First and foremost, you need to trust your gut. If deep down inside something is telling you this isn't right or not to trust him. . .usually there are reasons for this. . .that you are ignoring bc you want things to be fine. I was where you were. i was w/ my ex for 5 years, we broke up last oct. for a month, w/in a week he was w/ another girl. . .we got back together, he never really let her go, in Feb. he cheated on me w/ another girl, broke up w/ me in March and was back w/ the other girl w/in a week again. . .I was done w/ him at that time. (we lived together) so I started packing stuff up, we talked and got back together and he dumped this other girl AGAIN (that makes two times) he told me he would not talk to her anymore etc . . .well about 3 months ago his attitude started changing again towards me, i asked if he was talking to this other girl again and he said no. . .two days later I found a txt msg w/ a msg from her saying how much she loved him still and its just hard on her. . .he told me again he'd put a stop to it. Instead, it only escalated things. .. he told me the same as your ex, that I was the only one he wanted to be w/, that it was all in my head, etc. But yu know what, actions speak louder then words. ..so one morning he was running late, he forgot his phone upstairs so i grabbed it for him and notced he had just received a txt from her AGAiN. . .So I asked him about it he lied and said he didn't know why she was calling. . .he tried turning it around on me trying to make me feel crazy for even asking about it. .. so I had had enough, i called the b***h... come to find out EVERY GUT feeling I had was true, except the fact that he had cheated on me w/ her physically. . .it was all emotional. . .

He was unable through out our whole relationship to leave her alone. . .Needless to say we broke up that day.. . .that was about a week before Thanksgiving. . .WE tried to keep in contact w/ one another (more on his part then mine) but the week of Christmas I had had enough b/c this other girl was still in his life. . . .and still trying to be w/ him and he was doing nothing but leading her on. . .

So I made a decision for myself. . .I do not want this girl apart of my life AT ALL so what that means is that IF he wants me in his life, he can't have her in it as well. . .he told me that he thinks theres a chance for us to get back together. . .and I told him if he really truly believes this then HE NEEDS TO TAKE A STEP BACK FROM HER. . .leave her alone. He told me he hates ultimatums and I said that's fine if that's how you want to view this. . .but for me it's a choice for myself. . .I am not going to be insecure w/ a relationship b/c you feel the need to hold onto someone else. . .there's not enough room for 3 people in a relationship meant for two people. . .I am standing by this. . .and it's funny b/c it's almost liberating knowing that I stood up for myself and KNOW for a fact that i choose for myself to not be w/ someone who will always make me question me, make me feel second to someone other girl, and worst of all question my relationship w/ who I am with. I will never settle for someone I don't trust. . .it will eat at you. But there have to be other things going on in your relatinoship that are making you second guess it. . . don't hide from these things b/c they may be swept under the rug for awhile but ultimatly they always come back to haunt you IF they are not dealt w/!!

 

You are a strong woman, I have read your post to others. . .DONT SETTLE. . .and don't ever be afraid to stand up for yourself. IF you approach him about your insecurities that he is making you feel and he pushes it back on you saying it's in your mind. . .and you know that's not true. . .Then stand up to him and get the answer you want. . .get the actions you want to make your relationship back on track. . if he is unwilling to do this for you. . do you want to be w/ him for the rest of your life??? No one deserves to take away your dignity adn pride. . .Trust is a huge issue in a relationship and if it's not there, what are you building on? What then is your foundation? Love and trust come hand and hand!!

 

Be strong!!

[LiquidCherry]

Lc,

DONT SETTLE. . .and don't ever be afraid to stand up for yourself. IF you approach him about your insecurities that he is making you feel and he pushes it back on you saying it's in your mind. . .and you know that's not true. . .Then stand up to him and get the answer you want. . .get the actions you want to make your relationship back on track. . if he is unwilling to do this for you. . do you want to be w/ him for the rest of your life???

 

The problem is.. I think many of my insecurities are in my own mind. That's why I don't know if I should talk to him or not. The reason for our break up was.. Complicaited.. To say the least. But the solution was very simple. That reason is partly why I am still able to trust him not to cheat on me. It's his feelings for me I don't trust. I know I should but I don't. I spent so long feeling this way I don't know how to stop.

 

There was a time when I had every reason to feel this way. He wasn't over his ex and he was debating to stay or go. Now he is over his ex. He still cares for her yes, I'm fine with this. None of their interactions are hidden from me. They are minimal anyway and don't really bother me. He also made up his mind to be with me, that I am worth the risk and the reason for our break up is no longer an issue, it was a change that had to come from within himself and it did. In fact it should prove to me that he truly loves me and yet it does not. I'm starting to think this has something to do with my self esteem.

 

Essentially these insecurities continued even though the situations were resolved. How do you make something like that go away? I want him to hold me, look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me. He does this. The only thing I can think of to resolve this isn't working and I don't think it ever will. That's why I believe I have to find a way to fix this on my own. I don't think there is anything more he can do.

 

Except maybe listen. Maybe if I just sat down with him and got it all out at once instead of in bits and pieces. Maybe if he knew the depths that he's hurt me I could start letting it go instead of holding it all inside. Maybe it's not even that. Maybe I have to forgive him.

[charliek]

LC,

If this is how you truly feel. . .that there is something within you that is not allowing you trust waht he is saying. . .Don't put this back on him. IF he is doing everything you ask to show you that he wants to be with you and it's not good enough for you right now, you need to go talk with someone who can help you through this. There is nothing wrong w/ having questions about yourself and getting help for that. I did it and I build on the information my counselor gave me every day.

But if you keep asking for more from him to show you and he does these things, you will eventually push him away and he will get tired of trying. And I don't think you want this. Try talking with someone who can get you back to where you don't have to question his love for you. That him being w/ you is more then enough and you can then enjoy ALL of the time you have w/ him instead of wasting time doubting him. If you love this man, you owe it to him and yourself to figure get help in figuring out what is really making you question him. . .You have a good thing going, so don't push him away b/c you may not get another chance. Go give him a hug and look in his eyes and quit saying "yeah but if she comes back to you would you go back to her. . ."

In all honesty asking him this question, it will just get him to rethink a decision he already made. . he chose you. . .why make him reconsider this? Why push him to even reconsider this? don't make him look bakc at his decision, he's trying to move on but you won't let him. . . IF you truly believe everything you said to me, give the guy a break. . .and try and realize he chose me. . .and that's it. . .NO but what if she comes back, no but what if he feels stronger for her. . .JUST TAKE STEP BACK AND HEAR EXACTLY WHAT HE IS TELLING YOU. . .

[LiquidCherry]

I think you're right. In fact, I know you are. If I keep asking more and more of him, and never having it be good enough I will drive him away. Stupid, insecure questions will drive him away and that will only feed my insecurity further. I guess I could become pretty good at turning unfounded insecurities into something newly founded. And you're right, I should question decisions he's already made. I guess that is rather foolish. He tries as best he can to make me feel secure. He's not perfect in this but he tries the best he can, I know this and that should be good enough.

 

Maybe I will try a different approach. Maybe I will tell him that I have been feeling insecure but rather than asking him to do more I will tell him that he is doing a good job and thank him for it.

 

I'm going to try my hardest to let the past go and stop letting it get in the way of our relationship now. Our relationship now.. There isn't a lot to complain about if I look at it that way.