Boyfriend Has Had Mutliple Affairs - Need Help

[Sadmoop]

I continue with my crazy schedule.........I am still with this man........of course he is being lovely.......but, I see the future.......he already thinks he should live for free with me in the future when I get a beautiful home....

 

I dunno.....I want an affair with someone wonderful.......I want to feel amazing again.......strong.............a fantatsic woman where I am adored like I used to be.........of course he adored me once.......I understand that that is at the beginning and is un natural.......

 

I realized i just need to distract myself with work...........not men.....

 

but, I like them........

........and I hate being alone............

 

I am just that way.....

 

Yeah the poem may have to go Hope! heh heh!

 

WHATEVER!

 

So, i am obsessing with his friend......he is gorgeous in my mind.......so talented......so sexy............such a terrific nerd..........huge * * * *......

 

what am I saying!!!!!!!!!

 

I am going to start a list soon.........

 

what I want in a man............

 

 

In answer to an earlier question.........LOVE was werid in my family.......I either got way too much in the form of gifts and money or I was being abused by my mother with insults......I realized my mother is like this man.......I was called a little * * * * from a very early age.....

 

ahhhhh everyone says......I see the light.

 

My father was never around.....always unavailable......excuses.......many women........I always thouht that this man of mine is mopre like my money......................

[Sadmoop]

scrap that last sentence........although hmmmm there maybe something in it.......I am having a beer.....

 

I MEAN MORE LIKE MY MOTHER

 

TEE HEE!

[evy38]

I am actually uncomfortable with how much details I have given. I like it here but, I am so nervous of someone reading this...........I slept with another man.,......of course I was drunk......but, I have liked him for a while...............it is a close friend of the man I am having problems with......

 

Well that will probably make things crazier........but it is a kind of sweet revenge.

[Hope75]

Yeah the poem may have to go Hope! heh heh!

 

WHATEVER!

 

That was actually venus777 who commented on your poem- not me.

 

While I don't condone cheating in any fashion, maybe this other man will treat you kindly and help you wake up and realize that you deserve more.

[Sadmoop]

When I have the mental strength I will re read all that I wrote and post a reply on what my life has been like these past fewmonths since I vanished. All I can say is that I am coping and still alive and going on. I could not see that far a while back.

[Hope75]

Hi Sadmoop,

 

Good to see you back again.

 

How are things? Are you still with him?

[venus777]

yes, i'm glad you are back too and will be looking for your update!

[Sadmoop]

I just wrote a very long letter and I deleated it.........It exhausted me......

 

So, key points.

 

1. Sober for 6 weeks

2. Therapist once a week

3. Psychologist once a month

4. Feeling stronger

5. Still with him

6. Things are better

7. He had an affair again

8. I still spy

9. Slept with lots of men this year including his close friend.

10. We are getting on better

11. For now I am happy to be with him but, there are horrible days when I see what he had done to me and put me through.

12. I take some responsibility

13. I sometimes hate him

14. I occasionally still do the hang up calls to at least one of these women.

15. I try and remember it will happen again

16. I never want to be in that psotion again

17. I stilllove him

18. go to 15

19. go to 15

20. go to 15

[Hope75]

Sadmoop.

 

It sounds like you are making some progress. The first things on your list are very positive.

 

What does your therapist and psychologist say about you still being with him?

 

I wonder how much you can and will truly heal if you continue to allow him to disrespect you.

 

What do you think?

[devyn]

wow girl, hey i've been there.

more than anything i think it would be great if you got into a space where you start taking really good care of urself...good diet, exercise or better yet classes like dance...you need 2 develop pride and an identity outside of him. this guy has you brainwashed into thinking that you can't live without him. if you could just 4 a moment see that you were you and fine before he ever came along, and you will be you and fine after you wake up one day soon and say with a huge sigh of relief "who need's this shyt" and mean it. this is your youth, DO NOT waste it on this clown. if you could just get some distance away from him, you might start seeing him a little differently like "he's not all that" and "what was i thinking"

i also think that the drinking (congrats on being sober) and smoking and sleeping with other guys is keeping you running back 2 him because it keeps you outside ur center and feeling bad about yourself so you run 2 him 4 validation, even tho he's using you, simply because you're used to him and it's familiar. (not trying 2 be mean) what if you are with him mostly because it's just a negative cycle ur trapped in??

i encourage u to really work on yourself and get really healthy. look hot. get interested in new things. aren't you the least bit curious about what it may be like to meet someone new??? i would just love to see the look on his face the day you realize you are OVER him and bail on his azz.

if you were a princess would you allow urself 2 be treated like this? BE that princess.

don't feel bad about all the stuff between you, what u did, etc., that will just keep you going back 2 him. who cares we all make mistakes and it's especially easy when the heart is involved.

start a new life my sister, see what it's like to feel the pain, face the fear and grow and become more beautiful and desirable when you dump his ridiculous azz.

[Sadmoop]

I am working like crazy so I am exhausted all the time.

Things are tough. I spent 2 hours really crying my eyes out to my therapist tonight. I am trying to get out of town for three days to clear my head. I am still with him but, we are on such shakey ground. I wish I had the strength to just walk away and never look back. But, things are never that black and white........and I do love him. I realize that it is dysfunctional on almost every level and has been for many years. I just wish this would all change.....I have been trying for such a long time.

 

I am trying to be good to myself but, I am consumed with our relationship whcih only makes matters worse........

[Sad_now]

If you leave him, what are you afraid of? Are you afraid you will be lonely? Are you afraid you will never find anyone to love you? Are you afraid YOU will never love anyone the way you love him? Are you afraid to feel the pain of missing him? Are you afraid the pain will never go?

 

Think about what you fear. Then think about what it is about you or in you that creates these fears? Do you fear you are so unloveable that you have no friends or loving family? I doubt that. Heck, you have the most posts (135 and counting!) right here! For every ONE person that hurts you, you will find 10 ready to offer support. Are you afraid no-one will find you attractive? Hell, you managed to pull his best friend! You must be quite something! Are you afraid you will never experience such a wonderful relationship again? Hang on....... that sounds like a good thing! Are you afraid of having nothing to occupy your time? Isn't that the perfect chance to start something new, like a new hobby, a new skill, a new dance, a new social skill? All sound better than the mental equivalent of medieval torture! Are you afraid you will miss him BADLY forever? You won't, I can guarantee that. Human are built with coping and healing mechanisms to deal with the inevitable (such as death). I know you will wan't to slap me for saying the obvious, but time DOES heal all wounds EXCEPT those that it creates. If you spend more time in this relationship, you will get more hurt. End it, and the healing will begin. Remember, this, too, shall pass...

 

Identify your fears. Rather than make a list of what he has done (all about him), think about all that you fear (about you). Start living and thinking for YOU.

[skyblue1]

I think you should leave him right now! He is making a fool out of you. How dare he cheat on you! your better than that and you know what you can live without him. He is not a nice person and i think you should accept he is not the one for you if his thinking about doing things with this other lady. Your not a door matt. Stand up for yourself! I was cheated on and i told him to * * * * off and thats thats. I'm so happy now even though i'm single. Life in too short to unhappy! I hope you make the right choice. Good luck and be strong!

[angel70]

Wow! I have just spent about an hour reading all your threads since last year.

 

I personally think you dont need this man in your life at all. He clearly thinks only of himself and nobody else. He knows how much you love him and he is playing on that. He knows he can do just about anything and you will always be there for him. How dare he treat you like this. But hun, you are letting him. Really look at your life. You sound that you are uphappy more than you are happy. And it is all because of this man. You dont have to live like that. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF. No one else. Yes, I think he sounds like a total waste of space by the way he has treated you. But you know what..... you have allowed that to happen all this time. He does it because he knows he can. TAKE CONTROL BACK OF YOUR LIFE. This is more of an obsession than love. He is an addiction. And the only way to get over an addiction is by cutting down slowly what you are addicted to. In your case it is him. Its not clear how often you see him but if it is three times a week cut it to twice a week, if its once a week cut it to once every other week. Maybe, just maybe, you can ease yourself away from him and start living your life for yourself and not him.

 

I dont know if my words sound harsh and if they do I am sorry as I really dont mean them to.

 

Just go back and read all your posts from the very first one. Maybe reading them back to yourself will make you realise how badly you have been treated and why you deserve so much more.

 

You are a painter so are obviously very talented. Concentrate on that for now. I see you have been working out.... carry on with that too... get a change of hairstyle, go for a pampering day... anything to treat yourself and boost your confidence. You need to start liking what you see when you look in the mirror. Life is too short... way too short.... you are young, you are healthy... and you have your whole life ahead of you. Some people are not that lucky. There are a lot of people out there with illnesses where they can make no recovery from.... through no fault of there own. There are people who would give anything to have their whole lives ahead of them. You do have it hun. Please make the most of it and dont throw it away on this no hoper. Maybe what I have just said is slightly depressing . But you know what, its true. Just think about it.

 

Good luck and be strong.

[Sadmoop]

Thank you........I am trying........I fall I pick myself up...........that's all I can say to all you for your wonderful support ......thank you thank you thank you

[theantibarbie23]

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be around them. This so called man is little better than a leech and he is sucking the life right out of you. You have to go into survival mode for the sake of your own sanity and move far away from him. At this point I don't even think you are clinging to this man out of love, I think you may have gotten comfortable with being abused and berated by him.

 

When we are abused it's very easy to just hide behind our own dysfunction because then we don't have to make any scary changes or decisions. We often cling to the label of victim and tell ourselves that we are powerless to do anything about our situation. There IS something you can do, and it NEEDS to happen before this man destroys what's left of you and he will. He won't stop until your an empty shell of a human being or dead. Please don't let this happen to yourself, get away from him and rediscover what happiness really is.

 

I am sorry if this post comes off as harsh I just don't want you to end up like my best friend. You deserve better than this guy, I wouldn't wish him on anyone.

[Sadmoop]

......all I can say is that I am still in therapy......I am making a plan of moving cities.......he may come later if there is a good seperation period and I can get strong.......but, I am going alone first which may help me.......my closet friend said that once I get a little stronger and move to a new place and start to be alone I iwll never look back.....but, for now I am still with him.......he is going through a lot right now and I am helping him the best I can with wariness.but, it is never that simple and I have been with him almost 6 years......I am looking forward in a seperation period.......

[Sadmoop]

I have not been a regular here. because I have been in denial. I only came here when I was out of my mind and suicidal. It helped to release. I have never been much of a talker. Maybe this board saved my life when I had nothing and no one.

 

Thank you

 

last Friday I finished with my boyfriend of seven years. He has had four affairs that I know of one which lasted over a year and a half and bought him to another country. There are probably loads more and I think one night stands and prostitutes. He was abusive and has pratically called me a * * * * for six and a half years every day.He went back to one of the women and I caught him last Monday. I promised myself that after January in 2006 when he had another affair that if I saw anything like this again I would have to walk away or it would cost me my life. I found out. Eventually I called her because I was not getting any truths. She lied. Eventually her guilt got the better of her. She told me everything. They have been together on and off since last year. This was a woman that he had an affair with for about 4 months three years ago. He kept lying to the very last minute when he could not lie anymore. he wnet on and on until this woman bcc her emails to him with all the truth. Thatis what it took.

 

I finsihed with him Friday night. I changed the locks Saturday morning. I met him last night to sort out some finacial details that I rpomised I would help him out with. He expected to stay at my house and got angry when I said we are over and staying at my house is a bad idea.

 

I have now tied up most of the loose ends that are complicated and I never want to talk to him in person or see him again. I am moving countries.

 

I am devistated.......but, I feel right and I know I will get through this......the pain is unbearable......but, nothing to what I have experienced and what has developed over the last week forget about the last seven years.

 

 

SO THERE IT IS.

Thius is the first time I have done anything like this. I have sort of broke up with him and not talked to ghim for a day but, I have felt weak and panicked and did not want to loose him. I would beg for him not to leave me. Now I am disgusted with him. I do not hate myself and I do not feel weak today. I feel good.

 

* * * * i have been through it......

 

THANX EVERYONE

 

and anyone else out there.........know how they LIE LIE LIE........until you almost have to see there * * * * in their affairs. And then there would be an amazing excuse........I NEVER BELIEVED IT.

[yeawutever]

Didn't finished reading what you just wrote now, but good to hear you are through with him. That is what should have been done a long while ago. And by the way he'll find a man who shares morals/values like you do, don't give up.

[darkblue]

Sadmoop, this is a huge step and I hope you know we'll still be here to support your through these tough times.

 

Keep your head straight and your chin up.

 

We're thinking of you.

[Sadmoop]

Thank you. I am still in contact with him......it is so hard.....I can't walk away completely. All I know is that I am not drinking, I am leaving cities and I know I can't be with him. I am helping him though and we are trying to be nice to each other.It is sad. I just have to stay strong.

 

Tonight I will probably take a cab to his house and give him a load of boxes to help him move. He is being evicted and basically has two days. I have helped alot with this over the last three days.

 

I know people will just say stay away but,I can't. But, the situation is that I cannot be with him. He will be homeless and was going to stay with me for a couple of weeks until he has found somewhere. But, he is looking for alternatives and that is the best idea. I want to just help help help........but, I have to try so hard to keep on my decided track.

[Hope75]

Hi There SadMoop,

 

Wow. I am proud that you were finally able to break things off with him. That must have taken alot of strength.

 

I am pretty concerned that you are letting him come and stay with you though... after all he has done to you. I hate to say it but.... why can't he stay with the women he has been having the affair with?

 

Hon, letting this man stay with you is just letting him continue to walk all over you. I suspect that having him in your house will make you weak, and you will take him back. How can you be expected to get over him if he's under your roof with you? Why set yourself up like that?

 

Him being evicted is NOT YOUR PROBLEM, and has nothing to do with you. As his ex, whom he cheated on over and over and lied to and treated like dirt, it is NOT YOUR PLACE TO GIVE HIM A PLACE TO STAY. Personally, I think he deserves to be out on the street- but... if you don't help him, fear not, he'll find someone else to mooch off of.

 

Honey- don't do this. Please. It's just asking for trouble.

[shelly7]

Hi SadMoop, I'm in awe of your emotional strength right now and I think you should be as well. I can't believe all that you've been through. Most people can't handle one affair and you handled multiple? I'm emotionally exhausted just thinking about the pain you must have been in throughout the course of this relationship.

 

I'm so happy that you decided to leave this chump. I know it's hard, but it's possible, all you have to do is channel that emotional strength and compassion that you have and use it for yourself. You deserve more and you know that. IMHO, he doesn't deserve any help from you! NONE! ZIP! ZERO! NOTHING!

 

STAY STRONG SISTER!

[Sadmoop]

I know its hard to understand.......I am helping him. I have been in a position to. Sure it was horrifying, but, in all my emotional stress away from his affairs he was right there when I needed him. He never just walked away. I am feeling all confused but, not when it comes to being with him again. All I can say is my plan is to keep going on and move out of New York. After seven years we have been through a lot in in our early realtionship he put up with some very difficult stuff with me. I drank before I met him and only have treally given up in the last month properly where I feel I will never drink again.

 

I wish someone out there would understand my need to help him. Sure its not what I should do but, I can't help being me. I do not hink he will be staying. It would * * * * me up. I think he also realizes this would be a death sentence for both of us.

 

In our * * * *ed up way we do have love. I am just keeping my straight while I get through this with him. I do not htink he would seriously see my homelss and alone if I needed him. I have to keep all the * * * * separate for now. I just have to. I go from hate to disgust and anger every other hour at this point.

 

I iwll not be truly free until I leave this city. I want to leave here knowing that he loved me all this time. He has told me that no matter what he did he loved me. He had to do it and it was the only way he could deal with this. he has stopped telling me to deal with it. he has apologized and I see him as a mess. he has stopped being an * * * * * * *. probably because I am helping. But, he is trying.

 

Please undertsand.......I hope I am not back here in less than a week and have done something stupid to * * * * my emotions again......I AM JUST DEALING with the best way I know how.