Feeling weak and pathetic today

[Pikey1972]

Hello again folks, and I hope all's well with you all.

 

Well, after a lot of good / hard work and positive energy, I'm on a bit of a downer today I'm afraid so I just wanted to post a quick message for some moral support.

 

I began posting on this forum a few weeks ago (see

 

My ex boyfriend and I split up 2 months ago (he's the dumper, I'm the dumpee), but we've been maintaining contact in an effort to stay 'friends'. Every time we meet up he is really friendly and considerate, and continues to flirt / give me big hugs (he may be on a guilt trip?).

 

Every time I meet up with him I feel even more miserable and pathetic, so I decided to go the NC route after Christmas.

 

I've just returned home from visiting my dad (who lives abroad), only to find that my ex has left a message on my answerphone saying he hopes I've had a good holiday and inviting me to go to the movies today.

 

This has left me reeling a little, as I was trying hard to do NC - but he's broken it after only an hour of me returning home!

 

I've decided not to go to the movies with him today and to stay strong, but nevertheless I still feel low and miserable: I have not been sleeping well since his answerphone message, and am also missing my dad, who I only see once a year.

 

I'm just very confused at the moment because my ex keeps contacting me and I don't know what to do. I'm scared that if I don't reply to his messages he'll back off altogether (which I don't want him to do). On the other hand, if I appear too keen he'll also back off...

 

My ex hasn't made any moves on me as such, and has not mentioned wanting to get back together. All he does is contact me a lot, meet up once a week and act all friendly and flirty. In effect, he's getting everything he wants and I'm left feeling down. I don't think he knows how I feel because every time we meet up I act as though I'm over him and am getting on with things perfectly well without him.

 

It might be that I'm feeling low because of the time of year - most of my friends are busy visiting family at the moment and there's very few 'socialising activities' going on at the moment...

 

Anyways, I'm sorry for splurting all this out - I just needed to get things off my chest!

 

Any advice or words of encouragement would be really appreciated - many thanks all

 

Pikey

[coooolsome]

What you need to do is stop being "friends" with him. You dont deserve that. I thought that I wanted to be friends with my ex but I realized the only reason was b/c I wanted her back. I am happy without her and will be happier if I never become friends with her. Why be friends with someone who can hurt you so much. You are better than that. Ill tell you what stops the hurting....NC. Complete NC where you go out, have fun, not know what is going on in their life will slowly heal the pain.

 

For 4 months I was an idiot. I thought that NC was not the way. I thought that my situation was different that if I was there, if I stayed in her life, she would come back. Yes we would go weeks without talking but I havent gone longer than 2 weeks. Cut him out of your life. He doesnt deserve to have you in his.

 

Stop meeting up with him. Either 2 things are happening. Either he wants you back our you have become his friend. I would say that you are moving into the friend category and he is doing it to ease his own guilt. Start becoming really busy. Answer his calls but only talk for 5 min and then say you have to go.

 

If he wants you, he will come running. If he doesnt come running then he isnt worth it in the first place.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

"I'm just very confused at the moment because my ex keeps contacting me and I don't know what to do. I'm scared that if I don't reply to his messages he'll back off altogether (which I don't want him to do). On the other hand, if I appear too keen he'll also back off..."

 

Ok, this is why you are feeling low and miserable. Keeping in contact with you ex like this is killing you slowly. And your ex wants to keep you in his life to ease the burden of guilt and he can have a relationship with you with no strings attached. I know this is not what you wanted...but you need him to back off. You need and deserve to get on with your life. You ex keeps contacting you because you are responding. I would really consider backing off and letting him go...for good. He may be persistent at first, calling you all the time and such...will make it hard for you but he will get the hint.

 

He broke up with you...you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and have a fulfilling relationship with you. And he deserves to be with someone whom he wants to be with wholeheartedly...it's just not with you I am sorry to say. Backing off from him and getting him out of your life is going to be the ulitmate test on your will, soul, and mind. But you will feel better little by little as each day passes. You are going to have your bad days but in the long run, this is best way to go.

 

I know it's hard, I know you are hurting...but you are not alone in this. Be strong and hang in there. Many hugs and take care.

[Pikey1972]

Many thanks for your help and advice coooolsome and kellbell - it's still very hard to accept that he wants to be just friends, but I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep busy and look after No. 1!

 

I've just contacted a friend and we've agreed to meet up for a walk, so that'll cheer me up: as long as I don't end up depressing her!

 

Thanks again - I'll keep you posted,

 

Pikey

[kellbell]

Good for you!! Going for a walk with a friend is a great idea. I am so happy to read that. That is what your friends are for...to help you through things like this...I am sure you would do the same for your friends.

 

I say this all the time...let your friends guide you, let them do the thinking for you, let them be your intuition. When you feel weak or down, call a friend or a family member. It does get easier as each day goes by, the beginning is always tough. Think about it, when you first start something new, the beginning is always hard, awkard, you are not going to be an all-star right away. It takes practice and persistance...same with this situation. Then when you like the feeling of power and taking contol over your life...then you are golden. But things like that take time...give yourself a break. You deserve it. Enjoy your walk!

[ocrob]

I believe that men and women are so different in these situations. Most women make up their mind and there is no turning back. Men are different and have big egos. I suggest that you give him NC. If he still wants you, then he will make it clear. My ex loves me, but is not in love with me. I tried doing the friend thing, but it hurt too bad. A female friend of mine who is actually an ex from a long time ago said....you can not be friends with someone that you love. You have to move on with out hoping for anything. If he likes you, then he will come begging back. I have done it before and you just need to blow him off. It does not matter what your sex is,but being available and there for support is not good. He needs to know that you will not be waiting!

[Danny H]

Man, for all us hopers, that is scary that once a women has made up her mind, you are history for good.

 

Or maybe if you think of it that way you can just start getting on with your life knowing that there is no way back)-which in the long run will speed things up for you because you won't waste time hanging around hoping-- oh questions, questions

[kellbell]

"Man, for all us hopers, that is scary that once a women has made up her mind, you are history for good."

 

I am a little confused by that. And how it applies to her situation. I am not trying to be mean or anything but I am curious as to what this means. Can you elaborate a little?

[Danny H]

yea sorry it kind of sprang into my brain the comment that ocrob made.

 

My post was of no help to pikey, sorry pikey.

[Pikey1972]

Don't worry Danny - no probs!

 

Also, I don't want to get your hopes up, but there was one occasion (in the very long and distant past) where I decided to give an ex boyfriend another try. He persuaded me to give it another go (claiming he'd "changed").

 

Perversely however, when I started going out with my ex again, I discovered he hadn't changed at all (he made a real effort for the first month but then reverted back to his old self - he had quite a temper on him and would yell at everyone, including his parents and siblings). So we separated again after 2 months...

 

I'm not sure if that's been of any use to you, but yes, women can change their minds - or I did, in any case!

 

The key is to keep focussing on yourself and your own life, and if there are aspects that need changing (which YOU think need changing, not anybody else) to make a concerted effort to change.

 

Again, don't know if that's of any use or not - I appear to have veered off topic slightly!

[Pikey1972]

Sorry to post another question ocrob, but do you have any advice on how to 'communicate' NC / LC?

 

My ex left yet another message on my answerphone yesterday, saying it was a shame I couldn't make it to the film with him and could I ring him some time (quote: "I'll be in tomorrow evening") as he's keen to hear how my holiday to my dad went.

 

Some of my friends have suggested I should write him a note telling him how I feel about him and that I'd prefer NC for the foreseeable future to give myself some space. According to my friends, writing him a note may give him food for thought.

 

I'm very reluctant to do this however, as I'm actually quite enjoying the fact that I've regained control of MY life and am not his puppet on a string - it sounds perverse, but I'm actually enjoying HIM doing the chasing!! Am I being mean and selfish?

 

Again, thanks for all your help and suggestions

[Pikey1972]

Sorry folks, I've had another think about my previous post and have come to the conclusion that it sounds a wee bit childish to say I'm enjoying the fact that my ex is doing the chasing.

 

At the end of the day, the point of NC, as everyone on this forum has mentioned, is to give us dumpees the opportunity to heal, create space and get on with our lives. It should not be used as a game in an attempt to get an ex back.

 

My only query is whether I should tell my ex that I'm about to go NC / LC. Some people say yes, some say no. I'm still not sure how to go about it - would a written message in a card be best if I do decide to let him know?

 

Pikey (finally regaining some control but trying not to be childish / vindictive!)

[Danny H]

It may seem childish, but it is totally understandable, I quote a line from your first post here:

 

"Every time I meet up with him I feel even more miserable and pathetic, so I decided to go the NC route after Christmas."

 

It is no wonder that you feel a little self respect coming back if you are the not chasing him ( you were dumped).

Anyway.

 

Personally I would guess it depends what you want from NC.

If it is to totally get your own life together regardless of what he does, then yes I guess you could tell him.

 

But if you want to get space to make him see what he missed ( I know, I know not what the board says NC is for!)- then I wouldn't tell him your plans as he dumped you, why let him in on what you are doing.

[Pikey1972]

Thanks Danny H, it's a bit of delicate balancing act: on the one hand it's great to have regained some self respect, but on the other I don't want to upset him by doing NC without telling him why (he's a bit of a sensitive soul and shy / scares easily). If I were in his shoes, I'd prefer to know why someone isn't contacting me. But then again, this whole NC situation isn't about him, it's about me.

 

Phew, life's difficult at times!

[Danny H]

It Sure is!!

[healinginnyc81]

pikey, I think if you just tell him that you need space to yourself and that you'd prefer to take some time without hearing from him, it would be great for you. He will see it as a sign of strength. Don't give him any timeline or anything, just say that you need time to yourself. It won't turn him away from chasing you. It will just let both of you really think things over and see what you really want.

[Pikey1972]

Many thanks bkjsun - I've just had a really nice phone call from three friends, inviting me over for dinner and drinks to herald in the New Year, so things are definitely looking up!

 

Enjoy New Year's Eve, and thanks again!

[healinginnyc81]

Anytime, anytime, all of you here are like a second family to me, we keep each other motivated and thinking straight.

 

Hope you have a great time with your friends.

[ocrob]

Pikey, I can totally understand you wanting to write him and express yourself. It is so hard for me not to express myself. I do think you are right in the fact that by not contacting him, you are feeling in control. I have experienced that as well and it feels pretty good. Now that I have gone NC for three weeks, I think of my ex a lot less. I still miss her, but I am getting used to it. I will admit that I did say a final goodbye and did write my ex a long e-mail and have not talked to her since. Good luck and keep up the NC.

[Pikey1972]

Many thanks for that, ocrob - I hope everything works out for you, and that the New Year brings you lots of happiness.

 

Out of interest: has your ex been in touch during your three weeks of NC? If so, how did you handle this?

[ocrob]

Nope, she is a very strong woman and even if she misses me she will not contact me. Last time we talked she told me she was in a relationship. My birthday is coming up and I wonder if she will write me. If so, I inetend to say thank you and keep it short. I miss her, but wish her the best with her new guy. She is a great person and I hold no bad feelings.

[vandgsmom]

Hello all... Happy New Year!

 

Pikey- I think that a very short email or letter would suffice and the simple statement that you need a little time to heal over the holidays but that you wish him a very happy new year would be to the point. Then go out and have fun with your friends, and if it is ment to be, then word that you are enjoying your life will filter back to him and maybe, and if not then no time lost and you have had a fun holiday with your friends. Good luck and chin up!

[ocrob]

No, she is a very strong and stubborn woman and will not contact me. She may write me an e-mail on my birthday and I have mixed feelings about this. We will see what happens.