having a hard time...maybe just the holidays?

[gradle]

hi all...

i'm having a hard time. been thinking about j a lot. it's been over 6 months since the break up...over 2 months since i've really talked to him and almost a month since i've heard anything from him. being back at home for the holidays has been so hard, knowing exactly what we were doing last year for xmas, etc...how he came to visit and all the things we did.

i miss him dearly. i love him genuinely. and keeping it all to myself these past few months has been so hard. i know i don't deserve less than 100% from him. but i just want to hold him again i still want to know what he's doing...i'm getting better about checking all of his profiles. but i still want to know if there's a new girl or not...i'm sure he's dating people. i know i am. i just want to know if he still remembers/cares. if he's in love wiht someone else... if there's still a chance for us silly, huh?

i'm scared of how i'm gonna feel on new years... or valentine's day (our anniversary).

i still have bad thoughts sometimes, about if something bad were to happen to me, would he care? i still dream about him sometimes, usually him coming back...and i wake up so excited...and try to fall asleep again in tears.

i feel so hurt. my friend keeps telling me to write him a letter....i keep getting close to doing it, but i doubt i'd ever send it. as much as i go out, and meet new people and go out on dates...i can't shake the sadness. i'm half decent at hiding it, but it won't go away. i try and act so strong, but it's just an act. and people who know me, i'm scared that they see it...and anytime anyone brings him up, well a lot of the times, i can tell i get tearyeyed. i know him. i know he's not gonna show that he cares, even if he does. i know that he checks up on me. i guess that's some sort of sign. i know that his text should tell me at least soemthing...

but god, i love him so much. and in my heart, i really truly am sure that we were meant to end up together. but part of me is so scared that if there ever were a chance at reconciling...i'd be too angry at him. i know that it's too soon to think about that...but i can't help it.

ugh, i'm so pathetic, i swear. any advice?

[DN]

Sorry, gradle, there is nothing more that I can say that hasn't been said before. I know it hurts, especially at this time of year.

 

Maybe the New Year will bring you a fresh perspective and a sense of renewal. I hope so because you need to move on and you are having such a hard time doing that.

[Hawk]

I just had to let go - to keep on going the way I was going was driving me insane and the obsessing about her and her new man had me heading to a seriously dark place. So I just said, I have to get on with my life. As soon as I did that it became so much easier - I have been spending time with people I haven't seen in ages, am going out for dinner with a woman who is so excited to be spending time with me and went scuba diving for the first time in 8 years yesterday.

 

This will sound trite, but you can't put your life on hold. They have moved on and the ONLY thing you can do is the same.

[gradle]

i appreciate your thoughts and wishes...i really am trying. it's just hard to get him out of my mind.. i have big plans for most weekends and even new years...

i used to be so good at cutting people out of my life that hurt me that they used to call me "killer"

haha

even when j and i first stopped talking (5 years ago). i did amazing...but i was still so sad all the time...

part of me thinks this should tell me something about how i should feel about j and how much i care...

stupid...

[DN]

You are not at all stupid. You had and have very strong feelings for him and are having a hard time letting them go. That's not stupid at all. And I know how hard you have tried. All I can really advise is to keep trying, keep doing all the positive things you have been doing and try to stop doing the negative - like thinking of him so much, hard though that is.