phone calls

[violadeb]

I've been seeing this guy for about three months. I live 100 miles away but visit friends in his area almost every weekend. Sometimes, when I am there I call him and we get together. We get along great. It's a little casual for me like we don't make plans or anything, it's sort of hit or miss but I can live with that.

 

So that brings us to this past week. I saw him Friday night, great night. Saturday morning we said goodbye and he said call me later or I'll call you. I called him because I had to leave and go home. So he said call me tomorrow. So I did but he didn't pick up the phone and he didn't respond to my voicemail. A couple of days went by and I called him because I was in the area again. He didn't pick up the phone and didn't call me back. The next afternoon I got a voicemail from him that his phone was dead (yea right) and he was sorry he missed my call and to call him back. I called him back and he didn't pick up. I left a voicemail. So he called the next morning but didn't leave a message. So I called him back, got his voicemail and left a message that I was sort of tired of getting his voicemail. And he called me back and was half drunk and went on and on about how sorry he was about missing my call the other night. Then he said it was because he wasn't feeling well so he turned his phone off. hmmmm. We talked a while and it was obvious he had been drinking. He said a lot of nice stuff probably the alcohol talking haha. Then he gave me his home phone number and work phone number and said if I didn't get thru on the cell phone to call them. Then he said he had been out drinking with his boss the day he missed my call. Three stories about the same missed phone call? What's up with that? So he said he'd call me Saturday and we'd get together on Monday. Here it is Sunday night and no phone call. Merry freaking Christmas. I tried not to call haha but finally did and just left a voicemail saying Merry Christmas. I'm such an idiot.

 

Any ideas? I know I call too much. I've asked him about why he never calls me and all he says is he's sorry and to call whenever I want. We are both in our 40s and this all sounds sort of silly.

[annie24]

Hi and welcome to eNotalone.

 

Does he ever come to visit you? Does he make you feel special? Does he ever make efforts for you?

 

I hate to say this, but this almost sounds like an arrangement of "convienience" for him. I willing to guess he may have other women on the side, or maybe he was with one these past few days, which might explain his evasiveness.

 

I think you should back off and see if he makes any effort for you.

 

What is it that you would like? Would you like a serious relationship, or are you just looking for a fling?

[Dregnought]

I think he may of lost intrest. Seems like that your the only one trying to do anything and ending up doing everything.

 

he called me back and was half drunk and went on and on about how sorry he was about missing my call the other night. Then he said it was because he wasn't feeling well so he turned his phone off. hmmmm. We talked a while and it was obvious he had been drinking. He said a lot of nice stuff probably the alcohol talking haha. Then he gave me his home phone number and work phone number and said if I didn't get thru on the cell phone to call them. Then he said he had been out drinking with his boss the day he missed my call. Three stories about the same missed phone call? What's up with that? So he said he'd call me Saturday and we'd get together on Monday. Here it is Sunday night and no phone call.

I assue that he was so drunk that he didnt remember (in the same conversation) telling you about not picking up. I also assume that he forgot to call because of that. Once again, it sounds of a case that hes not interested anymore, but doesnt want to hurt you.

 

My suggestion - Talk to him. Get some answers. If they dont seem right or they dont satisfy you, i would really think about breaking up.

[violadeb]

Thanks for your response. He doesn't come to visit me but he can't sleep here so that would make it difficult b/c of the distance. When we are together, it is very good.

 

I don't think it's other women but what do I know? He has children who visit him often and they are there this weekend. They weren't there last week though. It's not so much that he didn't call, I mean he must be pretty busy with the kids and Christmas and all. But it's that he says I'll call you and then he doesn't. That bugs me. It also leaves me hanging b/c tomorrow my kids are with their dad so I don't really want to sit here alone. I can visit friends or family but it was him that said we'd get together in the first place. It's like I feel disappointed whereas if he just said I am busy this week I would have must made other plans. Maybe he doesn't want me to meet his kids, so then just say that. Don't say one thing and do another.

 

I agree I should back off but boy it is hard to do. As far as what I want, something in between a fling and a relationship. It might sound weird but I sort of like the alone time with him, not dealing with either one of our families or all that can involve. It's very peaceful just visiting him and just paying attention to him and me. We both have a lot of stress in our lives and we both agree it is nice to take a break from it all.

[annie24]

It seems to me like you are making an awful lot of excuses for this man. That's definitely a sign that something is not quite right.

 

Really, how hard is it to pick up the phone for a 3 minute phone call to decide where and when to meet? Not very hard....

 

I'm sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't seem incredibly interested from my perspective.

[violadeb]

I guess you could be right about him losing interest. I didn't get that impression during our phone call though. Like I said, he was saying all these nice things to me and talked about getting together, etc. It's like the pieces don't fit together. I do agree I am doing all the trying or at least it seems that way.

 

He obviously didn't want to see me that night. But then he tried to explain that away three different ways. What's the big deal?

 

I wonder if anyone has been through something similar and it was worth the trying. I can't imagine having much more patience with this. But I do like him.

 

I think he may of lost intrest. Seems like that your the only one trying to do anything and ending up doing everything.

 

I assue that he was so drunk that he didnt remember (in the same conversation) telling you about not picking up. I also assume that he forgot to call because of that. Once again, it sounds of a case that hes not interested anymore, but doesnt want to hurt you.

 

My suggestion - Talk to him. Get some answers. If they dont seem right or they dont satisfy you, i would really think about breaking up.

[annie24]

That's why you should back off. Stop calling him, and see how long it takes for him to miss you and see what you are up to.

 

After years of crappy relationships, I've met a really great guy. And I just can't believe how much crap I've put up with in the past. This guy is great. Drama free. He calls when he says he's going to. He returns phone calls within a few hours if I get his voicemail. If he says he's going to meet me, he is generally a few minutes early. Things are just really easy and pleasant. No dumb excuses like I've gotten from so many men in the past. It's the way a relationship should be, IMO.

 

And honey - you're in your 40s!!! Aren't you past playing these high school games by now? Your time is valuable. Don't let him take advantage of you.

[Blue Skittles]

Don't call him for awhile. See what happens. Seems it could be either one of two things 1, he is not interested, or 2, he likes to chase and u are not letting him cuz you are calling so much. I dunno - I kinda been going through the same situation with a guy that is 27 and one day i just didn't answer my phone and i wasn't calling him or anything, and he tried to call so many times and sent me an email and everything. So just let it go for now, if hes really interested he will call you and arrange a time to meet. No point putting yourself through all this stress for a guy that can't even pick up his phone.

[violadeb]

Believe me, I hear you.

 

It seems to me like you are making an awful lot of excuses for this man. That's definitely a sign that something is not quite right.

 

Really, how hard is it to pick up the phone for a 3 minute phone call to decide where and when to meet? Not very hard....

 

I'm sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't seem incredibly interested from my perspective.

[Dregnought]

IF it is ment to happen, it will be stress free, almost heaven like. This is not it - i doubt you two will be together. End it now.

[violadeb]

I tried not calling for two weeks. He never called. But up till this week, whenever I called him, I got a response. He either picked up the phone or called me right back.

 

I feel sort of stupid. After being married for 23 years, this does sort of make me feel like a teenager and not in a good way. Maybe it's not even worth trying. Maybe I should just get a puppy. lol. This was a pretty miserable week and it really made me mad at myself that I was thinking about him so much. I need to get a grip.

[annie24]

Any man who doesn't need to hear from you for 2 weeks is just not that into you, in my book. You want a man who is crazy about you and wants to see you! Even if it is "casual."

 

Like Blue Skittles said with her guy, sometimes, I won't respond to one of my guy's e-mails, and then he sends me another one, like a funny joke, and then text messages me. It's just really nice, not having to wonder "why isn't he calling me back?" I can't believe I put up with crappy treatment from other men for so long.....

 

I think you should cut your losses with this man. He doesn't seem as into the relationship as you are....

[Dregnought]

Any man who doesn't need to hear from you for 2 weeks is just not that into you

True. Even though im much further into a relationship with MG then you are with your bf, I miss her even only after several hours or talking. We talk on average 7 hours a DAY. We just click. And you and your bf arent. There is someone else waiting for you.

[violadeb]

So he called last night around 9 or so. I didn't realize there was a voicemail until this morning. He left a voicemail saying Merry Christmas and that in all the confusion he forgot his phone at home. Whatever. I'm thinking probably there is someone else, maybe it's his ex. Another piece of the puzzle is that he has his kids from the day before Christmas eve all the way through the week after Christmas. I thought that was odd b/c most people split holidays up. Maybe the ex is there too. That at least would make some sense. Or maybe like everyone keeps telling me, he is just not interested.

 

Is it always this screwy I mean before you figure out whether something will work or not? I'd hate to think I have to go through this over and over. My soon to be ex was also apathetic about our relationship, that's what killed it eventually. But I spent years trying with him before giving up and realizing he was only here for his kids. Well that was less of a realization than an admission by him that he only married me to have kids, otherwise he would have become a priest!? I have to admit having no response for that.

 

So I've been reading here how people repeat things like that, get into similar destructive relationships. Maybe that's what I am doing.

 

So I don't forget, I appreciate every response more than you can know. No one in my life wants to hear about any of this. They can't comprehend why I would get divorced at my age.

[ocrob]

I would give this guy some space. Men get so egotistical when a woman pursues them. I personally like to do the pursuing. I lay it on the line and don't play games. That is just how I am.

[Dregnought]

Is it always this screwy I mean before you figure out whether something will work or not? I'd hate to think I have to go through this over and over.

No - when you find the one, it willl be a breeze, almost effortless.... And they will be interested back. This way you find out if they are worth it or not.

[ocrob]

Hi Dregnought, please do not take this the wrong way, but I always have a laugh when I hear someone your age give such a strong willed answer. I think it is great you are so intelligent and confident in your opinions. That is awesome! I think we all learn from experience and mistakes. I do know that there are some guys out there that like a challenge. If you were to say that most are not worth going out with, then I would agree with you. But, some have just been conditioned from either bad experiences, getting hurt or peer pressure to not show a woman attention right away. I don't think it is ever effortless or a breeze my friend. I am definitely not disrepecting you and you are wise beyond your years. But, I just had to disagree with you. I am sure you will have something to say and I will listen with respect.

 

ocrob

[Dregnought]

some have just been conditioned from either bad experiences, getting hurt or peer pressure to not show a woman attention right away

Thats understandable, just as long as both the partners know. But if thats the case, the other who is ok will understand and fell sorry. Im just saying this on my experience so far. I have dated many girls, so i got a bit of knowlage. Some girls i liked, even loved. But nothing like MG. I knew somehow from the start that she was the one.