Let her down gently

[kres11]

Hey everyone! I was briefly searching through some of the older posts and didn't see my problem addressed specifically, so I thought I would just post it here.

 

I was talking to a lady I met on an internet dating site for about 2 months. We exchanged phone numbers, and got along very well. We were talking or emailing everyday and I was really looking forward to our first date. We had lots in common and the conversations never got weird or silent.

 

Well after a 2 hour drive and our first date, I am disappointed.

 

She is a real sweet-heart, but she totally misrepresented herself in her photos. To be quite honest I do not find her attractive. I was attracted to her profile, but in person I just can't see myself with her for the long term.

 

I know that appearances are important to self esteem for both sexes, but for women this is especially true. I don't want to continue our relationship, but I can't figure out how to tell her nicely without shattering her self-esteem.

 

Like I said, she has a great personality and is very considerate. But I would be wrong to continue a relationship with her when I am not interested. I can tell she is very interested in me by what she has been saying, but I am not anymore. I don't think she is deceitful, just that she tried to put herself in the best possible light, and stretched the truth a bit.

 

I screwed up too and gave her a gift on our date, so I'm thinking that she wants to get more serious.

 

I thank you all for any assistance you may offer.

[Hope75]

Perhaps the best thing would be to be honest with her and tell her that you are afraid that in person you just didn't feel as you had expected to feel. If she asks why, let her know that you felt she misrepresented herself in her photos.

 

It's not shallow to find physical attraction an integral part of the chemestry between a couple, and if it isn't there, you can't force it.

[shorty20]

I agree... I think anyone who says looks don't matter at all are lying to themselves. Looks DO matter. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not the only thing, but there has to be some sort of attraction there. I would tell her that you just didn't feel the spark after you guys actually met in person but that you'd love to keep talking, and keep a friendship if she would be willing and if thats what you might want. You don't have to say "oh I'm no atracted to you" you can say " I just wasn't feelign the sparks" it'll still be a let down, but not as much as telling her she's ugly... good luck

[Blue Skittles]

Looks do matter to some extent. I think the bigger thing here is the chemistry between 2 people. It is possible to be attracted to someone that is not good looking if you feel something for them. But anyways, obviously, there is no chemistry here. You will have to let her know asap, and be honest with her. Let her know you don't think things will work out in person and its just better if you remain friends. It might be shattering to her at first but she will get over it... good luck...

[Gunther]

Well, looks do matter to some point, and the fact that in a sense she lied to you about what she looked like sais something about her. Of course letting her down will hurt her, you can't get around that, but it has to be said. Just be honest why you don't wanna be with her.

[kres11]

Thanks for all the great responses!

 

Just so you all know I'm not some shallow jerk that wants to marry a super model. I originally thought she looked pretty good, I could tell she was just a little overweight but from the photos she still looked pretty cute.

 

I don’t want to belabor the point, but I didn't even recognize her at first. I could tell she was similar to the person in the photos, but nowhere nearly as attractive. Her face looked different and her body was bigger. She didn't even dress-up all that much for our date either.

 

I haven’t said anything yet; you think I should wait until after Christmas? I don't want to be a complete jerk, but there is no way I can see any intimacy in the future.

 

Also, should I tell her on the phone or in email?

[Hope75]

Can you tell her in person?

 

I don't think it's shallow to want to have physical attraction as part of the chemistry. It's hard to think about being intimate with someone whom you are not attracted to.

 

If you can't tell her in person, at least tell her over the phone. Be honest, and don't hem and haw and act embarrassed or ashamed. The chemistry just wasn't there for you as you thought it would be when you met face to face, and you don't feel as though you see yourself getting serious with her.

 

She might be upset, but try to explain that it is the truth and you would rather let her know now so she can continue her search for someone else and so can you.

 

Best of luck!

[RayKay]

You are not shallow, stop beating yourself up over it!

 

Chemistry is important, and not just mentally, emotionally, but also physically. People want to be loved and desired for ALL of them, so it would be a disservice to continue on already knowing you are not attracted to her.

 

There is no need to tell her "I am not sexually attracted to you", but just let her know that when you met, you did not feel that chemistry that you need and require in a romantic relationship. Since you are at a distance, and are not really a couple yet, I think you can tell her on the phone rather then in person (don't do it by email!). This is part of dating online unfortunately, it does happen time to time (it's why I also only dated people local to me and met them within a couple weeks to see if the chemistry in person was there). Be compassionate, but firm. Don't lead her on.

 

I would either do it today, or wait until after Christmas (don't do it tomorrow or on Christmas!). It's tough around the holidays to find the "right time" so you just have to find a "least terrible time". She may be disappointed, but it is better then leading her on and doing it later on. That would only hurt the both of you.

[tommyJ]

A similar thing happened to me a couple of years ago. I was chatting with this guy on a dating site and his picture didn't look too bad. He had a nice profile and seemed interesting.

 

Looks matter to an extent in my opinion but they are not everything. I find sometimes a person can grow on you if they have something else which gives them sex appeal. So I decided to go on a coffee date with him.

 

When he picked me up, he was driving a beat up car which was really dirty inside. When he got out of the car, he was overweight and had a huge scar on his head. I felt bad because I knew right away that I didn't want to spend the next 2 hours forcing conversation.

 

However, the guy turned out to be good company, although like you, I could not see myself with him for the long term. He asked me out on a second date and I replied and said although I had a good time I did not feel that important "Spark". You can let them down easily, hey it happens with really good looking people too!

[kres11]

Thanks again everybody for your input!

 

I had some feelings for her, but I can't see myself being intimate with her so its best to end it now. Its gonna hurt either now, or later. I guess its better that we don't waste anymore time. Now I just have to get the guts to tell her in a nice way. I hope the right opportunity comes about. I definitely dont want to drive another 2 hours each way to break-up. I think I'm going to wait until Monday or Tues to tell her. Right now I have been avoiding contact with excuses like holiday parties. Hopefully with God's help things will get set right!

 

This is an awesome place to visit! I feel so much better just being able to write about what is going on. This aint somethin you bring up in bar conversations too often. (except for the disappointing part! ) Thanks everybody!