Break up right before Christmas Help!!!!

[itreallyhappened]

Hi all, I am 28 year old guy, that just got out of a 6 year relationship. Her reason for leaving was, she said the spark was gone. I asked her to try and work through it and maybe we could get some help to try and get it back but she didn't want to try. She says she still loved me but could be with me anymore, this crushed me. And she did it right before christmas to make it even worse. I have read everything saying that I should not call her or anything to get over her. But what do you do when you don't want to get over her? I am finding that I am trying to hook up with other girls right away to take my mind off the pain, is this ok if it helps me through the pain or will it only make it worse? I don't want to hurt anyone in order to make myself feel better. I am very confused and sad about the life we were going to have gone just like that. Is it ok to have hope that we might get back together or is that just draggin on the pain? When do you know the hope is gone, and you are over that person? Also how long do you feel this hurt?

 

Thanks for all your help getting my feelings out really help

 

James

[AshleiJay]

You really shouldn't have hooked up with other girls, this will just make her not to be with you more, shell think you obiously didnt love her that much if you could just go with other girls after 6 years. i really dont understand why shes done this. Its not dragging in the pain at all, all you can do is try and naturally if she keeps refusing something will just click in your head one day when it doesnt seem unreal anymore and thats when youll realise you do want to get over her. it must be so hard after 6 years, im so sorry xxxx

[hockeyboy]

after 6 years she is not going to just forget about you. if you really want her back you have to do the hardest thing possible and that is to just completely leave her alone. doesnt mean it will happen..but it will help your odds. problem is, most people, including myself just dont do it.

[RayKay]

Sorry to hear about your breakup James, there is never an "easy" time,

but right before the holidays sure is not one of the "less hard" ones!

 

I know it's hard to change your feelings, of course you don't "want" to move on, but I think in time you will accept that you MUST move on. And the way to do that is not to try and block your pain by hooking up with random women, it may only exaberate the loneliness and pain when you realize they are not fulfilling that emptiness. The only thing that can heal you is time, and faith, and yourself. You have to use that time to the best you can...you cannot stop it, or reverse it, it will only go forward, but you can make the best of it as you do so.

 

When you are ready, you should also do a relationship summary...don't dwell on what ifs, but realize that this was not a "sudden" thing, but a process. She may have been feeling this way for weeks, months, even years, but either tried to "fix it", made suggestions, whatever, but it was not sudden. How was your relationship...not through the idealized eyes, but truly? Did she ever express for example, wanting to get married, or take things further? Often many women, will begin to withdraw their feelings, when they realize that their partners do not have the same GOALS for the relationship they do, so that is why I am asking. Did things maybe become too routine, status quo? Were there conflicts that came up again and again? Did you talk to one another, communicate, still do "couple" things, take the time for each other?

 

Hope is a tricky thing, hope that things will work out is one thing, having everything resting on the hope you will reunite is another. Some people do reconcile, but it is rare, and usually ONLY happens when the partners have had time apart, to heal, and they choose to work on things TOGETHER. As of now, you need to truly see it as 'over' and work with that...

 

Take care, you WILL heal, and you WILL be okay, it just does not happen overnight.

[itreallyhappened]

Ya I think she thought I was never going to marry her and she started to express that. And about two months ago she kinda hinted that things might not be working that well. I guess I should have seen the warning signs. And I think that she might have use I just need some time apart as a way to get out of the relationship with out having to tell me it is over for good. If someone is pushing away from you they probably need to go out and see what else is out there and if they really do love you? I guess I better deal with the fact she is not coming back and thats, that. No fauls hope. When do you know you are truly over someone and when will the pain stop?

[Dogg]

hey man, I feel for you completely. My ex girl of 3yrs broke up with me about 2 months ago saying almost identicle things (literally). if you want to see my story just look for all my posts, this may give you a good idea as to what thoughts and the process that one may go through while trying to do NC and then messing it up, and then pining over the ex and all the way to dating other girls but still feeling guilty about it because you feel like your "cheating" on the ex. I think that you may be able to learn a lot from my story, as it is still ongoing. take a look if you wish and just know that I am hear for you bro!

[LadyV]

Sorry to hear about whats happened to you. My ex (of 6 years) said the same to me at the end of May. I was devastated - phoned, text, emailed, etc. & all it did was push him away. I didn't want it to be over, couldn't get my head round what'd happened & tried to 'fight' for him in my own stupid way. After a couple of months i started NC & it really helped me to move on. I met someone in Sept & things were going well until i contacted my ex mid-Oct to tell him that my mum had been diagnosed with cancer. Contact started again & at the start of Nov he phoned saying he was sorry & wanted us to work things out. I dismissed what he said but it ate away at me to the point where i ended my new relationship a couple of weeks ago. I knew then that i had to let go of the past once & for all because i couldn't move on in my life with my ex having any part of it. I text him explaining how i felt, he understood, apologised & wished me well.

 

I thought my ex was the one but i realise now that he isn't. I hoped he'd be back with every bit of my body/head/heart & when he came back saying what i'd hoped to hear, somehow it wasn't enough & it came too late. All i can say is whilst it hurts like hell for along time, those thoughts & hopes fade. Please try to do NC because it does work & if possible, avoid hooking up with other girls. I hope this makes sense! Try to keep your chin up & make the most of Xmas - you'll be ok

[RayKay]

Ya I think she thought I was never going to marry her and she started to express that. And about two months ago she kinda hinted that things might not be working that well. I guess I should have seen the warning signs. And I think that she might have use I just need some time apart as a way to get out of the relationship with out having to tell me it is over for good. If someone is pushing away from you they probably need to go out and see what else is out there and if they really do love you? I guess I better deal with the fact she is not coming back and thats, that. No fauls hope. When do you know you are truly over someone and when will the pain stop?

 

Did you want to marry her, had you told her that? 6 years is quite a long time, and I think it would be normal for her to start wondering where it was going. And while you got together quite young, you were not so young anymore, it's normal at that age to start wondering where things are going in your life, including your relationship.

 

It sounds like she gave not warning signs, but BIG FLAGS something was happening. Like I said, rare that someone does not provide SOME warning, even if we don't see it outright or react to it. I am not trying to turn the blame on you, I just want you to look back and see what you got you here. She obviously loved you, you don't stay with someone 6 years if you don't, but there was something missing for her....perhaps a discussion about this with her, calmy, will be a good idea. While it may not CHANGE anything, it may give you some answers too. Just be careful about not coming accross as pressuring for her to come back...respect her decision, but clarify what happened.

 

You know you are healed...well, you just know. It's a process, some days will be better, or worse, then others. And eventually, you FEEL closure, you are excited about your future (without them) and see opportunity and hope. You'll know. And it's the same with pain...it's a healing process, and it's a process of grieving and recovery.

[itreallyhappened]

Well now I feel like I would give anything to marry her but that might be a reaction to my breakin heart. I am not sure after 6 years maybe I didn't unless I would have asked her. It is very confusing I loved her with all my heart but if I never asked her then maybe it wasn't enough. Either way I think I will look at this breakup as the end and give her, her space and if she wants to try and work on our realationship again put the ball in her court. I just hoope it is not two long as I really feel she is the one

[RayKay]

Well now I feel like I would give anything to marry her but that might be a reaction to my breakin heart. I am not sure after 6 years maybe I didn't unless I would have asked her. It is very confusing I loved her with all my heart but if I never asked her then maybe it wasn't enough. Either way I think I will look at this breakup as the end and give her, her space and if she wants to try and work on our realationship again put the ball in her court. I just hoope it is not two long as I really feel she is the one

 

It could very well be a reaction to the hurt, when you got back together, you may realize things have not changed.

 

I have a friend whom recently broke it off with his girlfriend of TEN years. They have lived together the last 5 or so. Just bought a house two months ago. He had thought he would get her a ring and propose. And he realized one day, that things were not right. They were not growing TOGETHER. He loved her, but he had no true belief she was the one for him. He would go along with moving in, or talking about getting a dog, or whatever, because she wanted them, but he didn't. He did not want to marry her. They were together only because they were used to one another. She was 14, he 16, when they got together (prior to that, he had dated me actually) and so grew up together, but not in the right ways. It's hard, he misses her, it's lonely, but he knows, it's not right.

 

I think you really need to take some time to heal, and think. A lot of answers can come out in that process, and you will know if she truly IS the one, or you are wanting her to be.

[itreallyhappened]

HAs anyone every tried hypnosis to get over a realtionship?

[Cooperstown]

Sorry man that sucks, to give you a different perspective I just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years right before the holidays for similar reasons. It wasn't about the spark, it just wasnt working for me anymore. It was really hard to do and I still think about it ALOT. A part of me misses her very much while another part knows what I'm doing is right. Trust me when I tell you this you are on her mind and she has not forgotten. Just be strong through this difficult time. Talk to friends and family about it I'm sure they'll understand, just don't let it bottle up.

[RayKay]

HAs anyone every tried hypothesis to get over a realtionship?

 

I assume you mean hypnosis, since a hypotheses is something you include at the beginning of a research paper, study or essay!

 

I am sure some people have tried it, just as they have for smoking, repressed memories and other things. I could not tell you it's effectiveness though, and it seems to be denying yourself part of the human experience.

 

Heartbreak sucks, but it does deepen your capacity for love at the same time. We are products of our experiences, and learning to get through the lows, as well as the highs, brings us strength, courage, and greater power in ourselves.

[itreallyhappened]

Should I try and talk to her on christmas? Or see if she calls?

[acuraman]

Im sorry to hear that she broke up with you a couple of days before Xmas. Im also going through the same situation. All I can suggest to you is to allow her to think things over without you calling or texting her, and give her her space.

 

I have never been with anyone over 2 years, so I couldn't imagine how I would be feeling if this had happened to me, but six years is a long time and I think the two of you will work things out. She probably just needs a break and to think things over.

[Outcasted]

Thats really bad when a girl says "the spark is gone".. She fell out of love with you.. and its more then likely never going to come back.

 

It'll be tough for a while... but you will eventually get over it. It will make it easier if she doesn't offer you any false hopes of getting back.

 

There is not much you can do to help get over her except time. You can't fight your mind and win. The best you probably can do is just understand that the next months are going to be terrible, and try to do them as gracefully as possible. But with time your addiction to her will fade.