In love with a married man! Can anyone help?

[BettyBoopQT1607306437]

About 5 months ago I met this attorney on line and decided to meet him for dinner and drinks. At first sight of each other it just seemed so right! The attraction was there from our first hello and we both seemed amazed at how well we clicked. Well needless to say, that first night we made love and it was the most passionate, erotic, sensual, awesome experience of both of our lives. Now 5 months have gone by and it hasn't changed. The relationship is perfect. He shows me affection, spends time with me, we laugh together, we like the same things. It is so obvious that we are both in great need of affection, attention and companionship. It isn't just about sex!

 

At this point I wouldn't know how to walk away from him if someone hit me in the face with a brick. I love him! The strange part is that it really isn't just about sex. He'll call me some nights and say, "let's go do something different together, we don't always have to have sex". About 2 months ago he mentioned us getting an apartment together and I got very upset. I asked him never to mention that to me again because it isn't fair to get my hopes up that way. He is so charming and beautiful and romantic and I'm screwed.

 

I know that the right thing to do is walk away, but this is undoubtedly the best relationship I've ever been in. He has grown on me and although I don't believe he'll ever leave his wife or family, I would hate to be without him. I don't even have the heart to date other guys! I know it upsets him even though he doesn't say so, but I can't do it to him.

 

The nights are probably the worst, when I am sitting at home alone crying my eyes out and he gets to go home to a big house, with a big loving family waiting for him every night. I live alone, I am alone and I'm really starting to resent him for that.

 

Does anyone have some advice for me? I've never been so confused before in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Shy_Guy]

Other than for the little fact that he's married and has kids, everything is wonderful! Not to throw tooooo much cold water on this, but lets face facts:

 

1) He's married

 

2) He's married

 

Let's look at this from another perspective. He's cheating on her to be with you. Not to be overly crude, but say at some point he manages to grow a pair of balls and commit himself only to you and end his marriage. He's cheated to get himself to this point with you. He's at least one time in his life shown the ability to commit this type of duplicity. You have to ask yourself - Will I be able to trust him not to do the same thing to me that he did to his (now ex-) wife.

 

Another perspective - Kids. His kids. I don't know how old they are, but say for example they're teenagers, maybe barely teenagers. Could you in all good conscious be able to look them in the eyes and say to them, "Yes, I'm the one who along with your dad decided to break up his marriage". Could YOU look yourself in the mirror and accept who you are knowing the pain that you will be causing in their future. I myself can speak to some of this. While not caused by extra-marital relationships (that I know of, anyway), my parents split up when I was 13, basically ENDING my adolescence then and there.

 

Marriages can suck, I know this from my own experience. What you do ABOUT the situation is the real barometer of what type of person you are. I'd probably be far less concerned about your's and his's dalliances if there were no children in the equation.

 

No matter how much it hurts, I think you cannot be a party to this. That you sought advice tells me your own moral compass is sending you signals. You need to listen to it, and look beyond just yourself.

 

I know that this probably won't cure HIM, because once crossing that bridge into infidelity, you can never go back (you're only a virgin once). If you and he are more than just bed partners, you both need to discuss this. If he has ANY moral character in him (I'm hoping he does, based upon you and YOUR character) he'll re-evaluate his life and try to work on what is broken.

 

Having been EXTREMELY long-winded about this - in the long run, wouldn't it be better to look back upon this as being part of a solution, rather than the root cause of the problem?

 

Just my $2.49 worth. Sorry for being so rough, but it's about more than just you.

[Lightingbird]

I hope you realize that of course things are going to be good for you both. He is bringing nothing to the table that would cause you any grief. His wife gets all of that.

 

Now unless he is talking divorce and you have very strong reason to be believe him. I would suggest you walk away. There are some things you need to consider.

 

What does he do while hes at home with his wife?

Is he using protection for either of you? ( yes he is sleeping with both)

Does he have any morals?

Do you?

Are you comfortable knowing that you will be part of the reason that a family will come apart?

Do you like being second best?

Do you believe in God?

 

and

 

Do you deserve better?

 

I'm sure you know what you need to do but you want someone to back up your thoughts.

 

You'll never be able to trust him and you are not the first, I'm sure, think about that.

 

God bless you and please think this through your future is very precious.

[Shy_Guy]

We have several things creating this 'helplessness' you're feeling.

 

1) You have self-esteem issues which you need to work out. It seems to me that you're looking for validation from other people when the only one who will be able to *TRULY* validate your feelings and self-worth is YOU. I'm not sure what it is that will get you there, but I know the things you DID mention (education, looks, money) won't do it. That only comes from WITHIN yourself.

 

2) Your married man seems to be very accomplished at being able to manipulate people. I think that one sign you can take from his marriage is the trouble he purports to have with his wife. She obviously is starting to not buy into his B/S any more. I think she's giving you a preview of what would be to come. Learn from her lesson.

 

 

You're asking all the right questions. You just need to start listening to yourself. We all have issues from our past. Some worse than others. I wouldn't begin to know the depth of your past pain, but I do know you can't let your past dictate your future. Your life is YOURS, live it the way you want it to be, rather than wistfully wishing it were different.

 

I didn't agree with Dear Abby on a lot of issues, but she once said something that has stuck with me for years:

 

You're only going to be a doormat for as long as you LET people treat you like a doormat.

 

Big Hug

[sisterlynch]

There is no real way of predicting how this will end. If you are willing to be in this sort of relationship for the time that he gives you more power to you. You and he both seem to enjoy the time that you spend together. You really should see other people on the side however. This man is tied in a relationship for the wrong reasons, but so are you. You get sex and a friendship from him while his wife sits home wondering where he is. This man has his cake at home yet chooses to go out to ice cream with you. He is cheating on you by staying in the relationship with his wife! Don't you want someone who is there for you when the chips are down. If you were in a disfiguring accident what do you think his reaction would be? Don't you wonder when he has made love to his wife or how he treats her to make her put up with this type of affair? Don't you want the confidence that comes from manipulating relationships so that you always win?

[BettyBoopQT1607306437]

His wife deserves what she gets for what she puts him through. Would you like to buy a bed for yourself and then end up sleeping on the floor for 7 months. I think not! He deserves better! There are alot of other issues involved here.

[Shy_Guy]

Well, you have obviously observed the negative of what his relationship with his wife may have for him. As a married man with kids of my own, I can certainly understand his desire to stay in the relationship, especially after seeing my parents split when I was a teen.

 

Just know a thing or two - No matter how bad it looks in terms of him and his wife, just know that it's probably not ALWAYS that bad.

 

He's most probably lying when it comes to his claims of not making love to his wife. It may be very infrequently, but he's still getting some, trust me. If he wasn't getting any at all, I doubt he'd still be there.

 

I guess the question you need to ask yourself, do you really want to be a party to someone else's problems when you have those of your own to work out??

[BettyBoopQT1607306437]

His problems have grown to concern me more than my own! I know I love him and all I want is to see him happy!

[Shy_Guy]

In the final analysis, if I were in your situation I would be asking myself these questions:

 

1) Do I see a future for the two of us, in a mutually satisfying, mutually loving, caring, long term, throw my body in front of a moving train for the other person, type relationship?

 

2) What are the greater implications of being involved with someone who is ALREADY involved. Face this fact: He might divorce his wife, he will ALWAYS be a father. Do you want to see yourself in the middle of this situation for the next twenty years, at a minimum, before they're even of an age for heartfelt discussions with them?

 

3) Can I always be able to go to work, go grocery shopping, go out clothes shopping with my girlfriends and not have to wonder going in whether I'm the ONLY one? Could you even TELL if he were being unfaithful to YOU? Can you live with this for the next fifty years?

 

If you can without lying to yourself or rationalizing, answer "YES" to all three of these questions, then I'd say stick with him. Must be an amazing guy.

 

For your consumption.

[keka]

HEY I KNOW WHAT U ARE GOING THRU BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH A MERRIED MAN AND HIS WIFE IS PREGNET HE WANTS 2 HAVE SEX WIT ME BUT I'M NOT SURE WE ENJOY WHEN WE ARE TOGHETER BUT I DONT WANNA SHARE HIM AT ALL AND I KNOW THAT THE RIGHT THING 2 DO IS WALK AWAY BUT I CAN'T I LOVE HIM AND I FEEL THET I COULDN'T BREAHT WITH OUT HIM AND IF U CAN WRITE ME WE COULD TALK IN A BETTER WAY.

BYE

[BettyBoopQT1607306437]

Some things never change! I'm still seeing him. We broke up and he ended up leaving me a message for christmas and I went running back. I know you all are going to be against it, but the odds were against me. I'm too single and too available. At 25 I must say I'm horny as hell every day and although I could probably get it anywhere, I choose to get it from him. Alot has happened since the last time I posted. Before I wouldn't dare see anyone else while I was with him, but this time around I chose differently! I am dating now and the attention I give him is no where near as much as it was in the beginning. In a sense, the show is now on the other foot.

 

I can't lie and say my feelings for him aren't there because they always will be. But now I know my boundaries! Now I know that I would never want a man like him as a husband even if given that chance. It's only a sexual relationship and I'm completely happy with that!

 

There's something about being with a married man that has always appealed to me. I really don't know what it is! It's the attention that I need and the attention that I get out of it.

[aremelle]

I can't offer you any justification - but I'm in the same situation. I understand where you are and what you're feeling. I will never regret this relationship because it far surpasses any other relationship I've ever been involved in. I'm not delusional - I know there is no happy ending, You will never get understanding from someone who has not been in the same place you are. Be strong and know that you are worthy of love even if it took someone who was incapcable of giving you the full worth to make you realize it.

[BettyBoopQT1607306437]

You know what the funny thing is, I would much rather be with him than see anyone else! I know there is no happy ending to our relationship and I have completely grown to accept that. I am happy when I'm with him and that's all that counts. Missing him is probably the worst part and that is where all of our arguments stem from. He is a good guy, he's just attached to someone else. LOL Why should I give up the best relationship of my life? He's married to someone he is miserable with and I know I can make him happier than she does. Maybe he stays for the kids and I am slowly understanding that, but if she was doing her job he wouldn't be looking elsewhere for love and affection. I do believe I love him and there are many positive things that back up that love, but no one will ever understand. Well, except for people like you who are in the same situation. Thanks for the insight, it always helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sisterlynch]

Brake up with him. It will only hurt for a little while. Why would you want to sleep with someone's husband? What if the man is also sleeping with others? Don't you feel like you are missing something? What if you were the wife? Make someone else your new man for a while, see what he says to that? You know that this is not emotionally healthy. What else could you do with that time spent with someone's husband? Don't you have any hobbies? What if he breaks up with you just when he gets tired of you? Try to picture how you'll feel when this is all over!

[BettyBoopQT1607306437]

Very sorry, but I can't and I won't break up with him. I don't have to imagine him being my husband because I'm not married and he's not mine. I want to be with him and that's my choice to make. I have a different outlook on marriage anyway. He and I are very happy to gether and like I said before, if she was doing her job he wouldn't be out looking for something he should be getting at home. We haven't broken up yet and it isn't happening anytime soon either. I know for a fact that there are no others and if and when the time comes that this relationship is bad, then I will be gone.

 

The fact of the matter is that I love him and I wouldn't put myself through that sort of pain. And I am with another man and he knew about my affair from the start. Technically it's none of his business! When I am married to someone then they can tell me what it is and isn't okay to do.

 

I will always have him around, whether it has to be kept a secret or out in the open!!!!

[BeenThereDoneThat]

My name's Audry and I am a 23 year old graduate student living in New York City. I meet this amazingly attractive, witty, smart man while vacationing in Jamaica. We really hit it off. He lived in Maryland and I would occasionally visit him at his studio apartment. It was a little unsettling that such a successful man lived in such a crappy apartment. One day I got a phone call from a woman claiming to be his wife. She told me they had been married for 15 years and had 3 daughters. I was shocked. But it made sense. I confronted him and he confessed. The problem is I am madly inlove with him. He takes care of me financially, emotionally, and PHYSICALLY! I know I'm young and beautiful but I think I have found the love of my life. I figure if she was doing her job than her husband wouldn't stray. The only reason he stays with her is because of the children. What we have is real and hard to find. I'm sticking with my man and you should too, why let go of a good thing?

[tiredofthelies]

Girls, girls girls.... what do you expect to get out of these sitations? These men are not willing to leave their wives, so obviously they do not believe that you are all they need in their lives. You are only filling the gaps that their wife leaves behind. How is this fulfilling to you? The fact is, that love really does conquer all, and despite the obvious discomfort it would cause to everyone involved, if he really loved you the way you think he does, he would make YOU his wife. (Which would have swell, until he did the same to you, or you did to him.

 

In my opinion, there is no point in being in a relationship where the final result desired can never be achieved.

 

And to beentheredonethat: If he stays with his wife, leave him be. She may not have done her "job", true, but if you knew the emotional pain that I'm currently going through because my girlfriend cheated on me with two different people, you may understand. I am a VERY nice guy, and gave my girlfriend everything she needed... we just didn't "click" in the last few months, and she went elsewhere without telling me. Nonetheless, human compassion and empathy has to be thrown in there somewhere, and I am suspecting you may be void of it with that kind of attitude.

 

Experiencing pleasure through other's pain. I am glad not everyone in this world has that mindset.

[biggi]

please know this,

i caught my husband of 12 years at the other womens house just this past monday.

infront of her he toled me they were are having an affair, he likes her and she likes him.

once he came home, he said he could never be happy with a women like that.

just like he talks bad about her to me, i am sure to talks bad about me to her.

you sit at night and cry?

you dont know what hurt is.

i have left everything for that man, my friends, my family and my country.

i stuck with him thrue everything.

12 years of my life are gone, because he is selfish and the words i have for her i keep to myself.

i sit and cry, go to work and cry, wake up and cry.

i dont feel i am worth anything anymore.

i love that man so much still.

leave him alone, there are so many single men out there.

why do you have to have an married one?

you are not the only one who is hurt,

so is his wife and so are the kids.

[lizlong]

Twelve years ago, I met a man and experienced the same attraction and happiness as BettyBoopQT. Although he was not married he was living with another woman. From the beginning I did think he was going to leave her. It was not very long that I realized he wasn't going to, and I ended it. At the time, I was 30 and was a fairly confident young woman, just a little naive still. Shortly after ending it, I moved to a new town and a new job but was harassed with very unusual daily reminders, such as, the last four digits of my new phone number were the same as his. The work I was doing ended up being related to his old neighborhood even though I worked for a company 200 miles away. Also, he drove a truck with unusual markings...my new neighbor 200 miles away drove an identical truck. I could go on and on because these kinds of things continue to happen almost daily. He ended up marrying someone else about a year after I moved, and I was invited to the wedding. I attended hoping it would provide closure for me. I truly believed that if I witnessed him committing himself and the rest of his life to another woman, the grieving and sorry would stop. It's been 10 years and hardly anything has changed. I am still very much in love with him, still have very vivid dreams about him, my heart still races if I see another man closely resembling him. I have dated and tried very hard to get on with things. I've been to therapy, I've travel extensively, buried myself in a very technical and demanding field, developed my creativity...anything I could think of that would help me not miss or think about him. I still do.....I've come to believe that emotions have no boundaries. We all crave love and attention and we never forget when it's so extraordinary. A lot of people go for the security life has to offer, but then often love comes along and blows it to bits. It's so very literary and uncontrollable. Anyone who thinks otherwise is deceiving themselves. A couple of months ago, I came accross his email address on the Internet and sent him an email. The last time I saw him was in '98 at a concert attended by about 60,000 people. I was standing in the concession line, minding my own business when I looked up and he was standing in front of me. I had not seen him since the day he was married about five years prior. We hugged and I felt those familiar wonderful feelings. In about a minute I was shaking and embarrassed. I really didn't want to be in love with him and I really didn't want him to know. I thought of myself as being weak because of my reaction. Luckily, his wife walked up and I was able to say my goodbyes to both of them quickly. I don't know if he will ever respond to my email. I don't know what I would do if he did. All I know is that I still feel just as much energy and the same kind of energy concerning him at this moment as I did 12 years ago, except that now there is sadness mixed with the joy, elation, optimistism, sensuousness. It's pleasure and pain, but I feel fully alive and fully present and have accomplished many many creative things because of my experience.

[kel03]

I'm in a relationship with a married man too. Maybe my situation is a little different. I'm much younger than he is and we get along great, sex is great and we're both happy. The thing is that he says he's wife hates him and she moved out. I've been over to his house at nights. He claims that he doesn't sleep with her or anyone else...He hasn't slept in the same bed with her for 3 years. Since we have been together he emails me and calls me every night (we talk on the phone for over an hour each night). He says there's no one else but me...and he can't leave his wife because of his son and financial reasons. We spent day before christmas together and new year's eve together and today is V-day and he will be with me. The only problem is that we can't really flaunt this relationship in public...and he's family thinks the marriage is fine. I don't know if we have a future, it doesn't seem like it does. I don't think he'll get a divorce because of the reasons he told me. He says he's stuck. He doesn't love her or her him. I really care about him...and he's jealous when other guys tries to hit on me. He says he doesn't want to share. He says if I cheat on him, he'll leave. We are both really intense and jealous of each other. I don't know what to do, I think I might fall in love with him if I stay longer and I'm afraid of that. I don't want to leave but I'm scared to stay. Not sure what to do.

[bleeder]

Put a simple question to yourself.

 

If a married man is able to cheat on his wife, what makes you think that he won't cheat on his mistress? I am not sure if I have mentioned this before, but I have no respect for men who do not value fidelity.

 

My advice? The relationship should not have started in the first place.

 

[kel03]

How can he cheat on me? You didn't read my post...he doesn't live with his wife, they hardly talk...and we spend so much time talking that we hardly get anything done and I see him almost every night. I really don't think there is anyone but me...he was really unhappy when I first met him and all his friends can see how unhappy he is, now he's much better. I know his friends, I've met them. He is only married in the legal sense. And I told u why he hasn't done anything yet...

 

I really care about this guy, I think we are both happy right now. The wife is probably cheating on him, she was the one that moved out, she should just divorce him if she hates him that much, and we wouldn't have this problem now.

[bleeder]

Yes, I have read your post and I understand his dilemma.

 

What I meant was that if he really felt that the marriage is not going anywhere, he should have resolved it. Why wait till someone like you to come along to jolt him into doing something about it?

 

Yes, you mentioned that he is 'only married legally'? Even so, even if no feelings are left in his marriage, the ability to have sex outside a marriage is not right (in my opinion). A marriage gone stale is no excuse to have someone on the other platter.

 

My conclusion is, if he knows where he stands, then he should be parting with his wife before going into anything serious with you.

 

I wish you the best!

[vama]

Hi! I just read your first posting, and felt so identified with you! I'm exactly in the same situation and feel good about knowing I am not the only one going through this hard situation. I really think that only someone who is going through the same thing would really understand what it is like and that it is not easy to just make the decision to go away and end the relationship. I don't want to hurt anybody, I am just so in love, but I know my reality. I don't know what to do. It helped to read your postings. Please give me some advice about how you do in those moments of loneliness. I think we are not alone. There are many people going through the same thing, and as long as we are honestly loving each other, everything is worth it.

[blumenau]

It's funny how we always think our situation is unique. Great connection, perfect love, soul mates, amazing physical attraction, special moments..shall I continue or I already described your relationship?

Ups...maybe we shall throw a little marriage in the picture? And the fact that, oh he is so unhappy, but will never leave his horrible wife?

The fact is, this wife of his is probably as great, as beautiful, as funny as you are. You are just a DIFFERENT spice. And the fact is that she is going too, trough sleepless nights, tears, broken heart, just like you are.

But I know, you are far into feelings for him to think anymore about the other girl. We did not meant it to happen in a first place. Gorgeous man that makes us feels like never before..cool!..we can handle it, we can stay in control, we will not fall in love, we will not turn our lives up side down, we will not wait for that call, we will not be needy, we will not, we will not..And than one day, one just ordinary day, after spending time doing not much just being a simple couple.. it happens. And than we are trapped. We start thinking how we would like to go together with him to that place, this restaurant, read this book, talk about that song, tell him this story..and than the reality hits. We cannot, at least not always.

Because he is not ours, not EVERY-DAY ours.

How do I know? I've been on the both sides. I have been the "first" and the "second" woman. I was the girlfriend of the guy that cheated. And sorry I have to break this to you, but he will NEVER, EVER leave me for the other girl. I was the perfect one, the smart, successful, independent, the one that his family adored and his friends secretly admired. The one who will be introduced to his CEO, and the one who gets invited to his family for Thanksgiving dinner. Did he love me? Of course he did, if you want that kind of love. The other girl, the other girl was just that, the other girl. The one he would have sex with when I was out of town who he would invite to expensive dinners and bring home for quick kinky sex and than just forget about it next morning. Was she hoping he would leave me? Of course she was. Was she smitten by his charm, his looks, money, his complements how amazing she is and I am sure the sex was just great..For him she was nothing. In his confession words: "Just a little tramp." When I found out , did he promise me the world just to get me back? Of course he did.

They always do. It was over and he still hates her for that..as it was her fault. As it was not him who wanted her, oh so badly, in the first place.

Now, let's come back to the present time, several years later.. Being single I saw so many of my girlfriends have their hearts completely broken by the relationship with married man (we too, are getting older so the man we want are not just in relationship but married too..but it is basically the same thing..they are just not available)

Some of those married man where womanizers, some unhappy, some confused, some bad, some really good guys. For some it was hundred and first affair, for some it was the first one. Some chased the girl, some didn't, fighting the feeling really hard until they finally could not resisted it anymore. Some deeply felt in love with the girl, some did not. Some lasted a day, some years. But one thing all these relationships had in common: They ended in pain and tears and the girls were left alone and heartbroken. And I said to all of them: Do not do it. Do not even start. And if you do, do not EVER, NEVER fall in love.

And than it happened to me. It happened too recently to know if I was in love or not, but did he shake my world, my reality, my control?..He certainly did. Did I find it special? In every breath, every moment, every word, every look, every kiss. And it started as a very secure situation, simple friends gathering, and the though I am leaving the town in 2 weeks what can happened? It did. It happened in a 7 amazing days, of beautiful evenings, fireplace and wine, dinners and walks on a perfect winter day.

Now, I am leaving the city, country and the continent in a week and all I can think was the time we spent together. Silly if nothing else. But that's when your feelings get involved when they should not.

For him, I don't know..maybe it was suppose to be a flirt, lust,sex. But he never had me. It took everything I have to control it, but I never slept with him. First because I did not want to do it to another human being what was done to me but later just because of my own sanity.

So maybe I did his wife a favor? I don't call him and I don't write to him. So I saved him. Or did I? The hardest thing is wanting something and not be able to have it. Not my words. His.

So if you truly love the man you can not have..leave, run. You will NEVER have him by being around, waiting for him. HE HAS YOU.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong. But sometimes it is LETTING GO.