so confused as to what to do...

[melrich]

That's great news.

[novaseeker]

Just a quick update, we spoke with each other civily tonight and decided that we would actually go BACK to the Psychiatrist that we went to at the beginning of this year.

 

I'm glad, because I actually thought the guy was really good and felt he gave my husband a lot of food for thought. Plus, I won't feel like I have to explain everything over to someone new.

 

Oh good! Best of luck with the counseling/therapy!

[karpediem25]

Hi I know your situation all too well. I have been in a long term relationship for 9 years and we have two children ages 7 and 5. He is an alchoholic and he is kind of mean sometimes and a cheapskate. I am really ready to go, actually I've been ready to go but I am an unemployed full time student. I don't want to stay in a shelter but I feel so bad for my kids because we argue often. Anyway I completely empathathize with you because I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. Do I go not knowing how I will support us or do I stay in a stressful emotionally draining relationship that is probably harmful to my kids? I guess I will have to venture into unknown territory. But I digress. I wish you all the best no matter what you decide to do and thanks for posting. It feels good to know there are other peolple out there I can look to for support.

[motherhen]

I think if you can be strong enough with help from friends, family etc., and work on making the situation better for you, then he could possibly change. He may see that you are really going to do something about it. It could scare him enough that he doesn't want to lose you and the kids. However, you are not the problem and he shouldn't blame you. He is the one who is suffering on the inside. It could take something drastic for him to ever realize that. You can contact a christian counselor, they are the best! It saved me when I went through my separation and divorce. Also ask them if they offer or know about Divorce Care. Divorce Care is for anyone who is separating or divorcing. You watch counselors on video and they touch on all issues that spark problems in marriages/relationships and teach you how to handle it.

[mommyoftwo]

here's my update. I went to counseling last night.

 

But before that, last week at some point I emotionally detatched myself from my dh and his drinking. I think I felt I had to because my in-laws were staying with us and I don't think I would have been able to handle things any other way.

 

Since I 'detatched' myself, I've felt MUCH better because I'm not responsible anymore for dh's actions. Talk about liberating! I've been sleeping well, am calmer with my children and am WAY more focused on where I would go if I leave and what I would like to see in my life AFTER the divorce.

 

However, at the same time I have, really, no feelings at all for my husband. Even when he is sober.

 

So I go to the counselor and tell him all of this, and he says there is also something that is one step beyond the detatchment. It's called Emotional Divorce. That in my head I'm already there. I told him that is EXACTLY how I've been feeling.

 

He said it's hard to come back from that and it would be a new relationship all together if we decided to work it out and dh sobers up. He also says if I choose to leave to not consider the marriage a failure. To not give it the negative energy that everyone seems to give.

 

he said I have probably learned a LOT about myself, friends, and family, and was blessed to have two beautiful children. Where is the failure in that? He says, 'if you look at it in that light, you handle things within the divorce differently and with more care, love, & compassion, which is my goal.

 

Plus, he says that the children react differently to the divorce when you present it in that light. He said, 'call the marriage a success, and that it was just time to move on.'

 

What a great idea, huh?!

 

I pray that one day my husband recognizes he is an alcoholic, and gets the help he need in order to be a happier, healthier person.

[shes2smart]

What a great idea, huh?!

 

In life, it is not the events that happen to us, to those we love, and the events that happen around us....it is how we choose to react to those events that will determine our overall happiness with our lives.

 

Sounds like you've got a good counselor, there. Keep going to him. It also sounds like you are in a much better mental place than you were when you first started posting about your problem.

[newlydivorced]

Gosh, this sounds exactly like my situation about a year ago. Although, luckily, we never had children.

 

Joining an Al-Anon group is a great idea. You will learn that his drinking is ABSOLUTELY NOT your fault. He will only be able to stop drinking when he has hit bottom. No friends or family will be able to truly convince him. Unfortunately, a functional alcoholic will take much longer to hit bottom (my ex is also functional). The most important thing is not to nag him about it.

 

As for your leaving him, you have to think if you want to live the rest of your life this way. Don't make any decisions about this until you have been in Al-Anon for at least six months. Speaking from experience, your husband has messed with your mind so much, you are probably not thinking clearly right now. Even if he does get sober, he will still have the same personality as a drunk. It will take a lot of time before he gets back to being himself.

 

You also need to think about the impact he is having on your children. Depending on the age, Al-Anon also has specific meetings for teenagers.

 

Just my 2 cents - feel free to contact me privately.

[mommyoftwo]

Why would you feel I should attend Al-anon for at least 6 months? I'm curious. I certainly don't want to put things off that long. I've put them off long enough.

[novaseeker]

I think it's the standard Al-Anon idea that you have also suffered from his alcoholism and as a result may not be able to see the situation clearly for a while.

 

I would recommend attending Al-Anon, but not treating it like it's the Gospel. Take what is useful and what doesn't seem useful don't worry about, and don't let it (or any other program, really) become the sole determinant of what to do with your life. I'd recommend seeing the therapist and moving forward with that process on the same track you otherwise would.