mommyoftwo

I was foolish enough to marry an alcoholic.

The death of a relationship, for whatever reason, is the same as the death of anything. You go through the same steps that you would if someone actually died 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance For whatever the reason your wife left, it's hers to own. Please don't beat yourself up for what you could have, should have, or would have done. I'm not sure it would have made any difference, because if she were unhappy, she could have just divorced you long ago. She's a coward for staying in the relationship and screwing around behind your back. I know that may be harsh, but she had options. Hang in there.

Why would you feel I should attend Al-anon for at least 6 months? I'm curious. I certainly don't want to put things off that long. I've put them off long enough.

here's my update. I went to counseling last night. But before that, last week at some point I emotionally detatched myself from my dh and his drinking. I think I felt I had to because my in-laws were staying with us and I don't think I would have been able to handle things any other way. Since I 'detatched' myself, I've felt MUCH better because I'm not responsible anymore for dh's actions. Talk about liberating! I've been sleeping well, am calmer with my children and am WAY more focused on where I would go if I leave and what I would like to see in my life AFTER the divorce. However, at the same time I have, really, no feelings at all for my husband. Even when he is sober. So I go to the counselor and tell him all of this, and he says there is also something that is one step beyond the detatchment. It's called Emotional Divorce. That in my head I'm already there. I told him that is EXACTLY how I've been feeling. He said it's hard to come back from that and it would be a new relationship all together if we decided to work it out and dh sobers up. He also says if I choose to leave to not consider the marriage a failure. To not give it the negative energy that everyone seems to give. he said I have probably learned a LOT about myself, friends, and family, and was blessed to have two beautiful children. Where is the failure in that? He says, 'if you look at it in that light, you handle things within the divorce differently and with more care, love, & compassion, which is my goal. Plus, he says that the children react differently to the divorce when you present it in that light. He said, 'call the marriage a success, and that it was just time to move on.' What a great idea, huh?! I pray that one day my husband recognizes he is an alcoholic, and gets the help he need in order to be a happier, healthier person.

Just a quick update, we spoke with each other civily tonight and decided that we would actually go BACK to the Psychiatrist that we went to at the beginning of this year. I'm glad, because I actually thought the guy was really good and felt he gave my husband a lot of food for thought. Plus, I won't feel like I have to explain everything over to someone new.

Thank you, I definitely will

Absolutely. Trust me, i don't take leaving him lightly, that's for sure. Maybe not enough. Maybe I should have been out of here a while ago. I guess I just have to feel that I have tried everything I possibly can before I walk out that front door. Because I don't want to be three y ears down the road saying to myself, 'if I only had tried this or that'. We spoke briefly last night (before he walked away). I told him I was going to get counseling to help me with my anger. Again he said we couldn't afford it. I told him I will just have to sacrifice something else in order to have the finances to go. I asked if he was willing to go with me. He finally said, 'fine'. Last time we went, I found a Ph.D., and had to be a man, just so HE would feel comfortable. THIS time, I'm going with my gut. Unfortunately, if this doesn't work out, then it's time to go. Luckily, I DO have a strong support system that is ready with open arms in the event that I do leave. I'm very lucky in that way. Again, thanks.

Hmm, you are right in the sense that I'm not co-dependent. I mean, I definitely have some of they symptoms however, I don't have the rules regulating our household. Interestingly enough, it sounds like the rules played at my husband's house as a minor. My husband's job isn't terribly stressful in the traditional sense, he just doesn't like it, which I can accept, and have encouraged him to search out another job. However, even with his favorite job he was a heavy drinker. I'm the fool because I thought for SURE he would grow out of this. I could kick myself bringing my children into the world within a relationship that has a drinker involved. He has a habit of telling me, 'you knew I was like this when you married me, so what's the problem now?' Piscesone, as young as my children are, I noticed a change the other night after his dad and I had a big blow out. My husband yelled at me, causing my 2 1/2 year old AND 6 mo. old to start crying. The following day, the 2 1/2 year old kept yelling at everyone and everything. I have also been stashing money away. My mom, after telling about all of this recent thinking, said, 'stash money away. every woman does it. If you don't leave, use it towards the children's education. If you do leave, it can be a life saver. Luckily, I've got a college degree and am still desirable as an employee within a company. I've also been concerned about his verbal abuse, wondering if it would ever turn into physical. He is a very passive/aggresive kind of guy, which tends to make me a bit nervous sometimes, especially after he drinks.

That's some interesting info. It's exactly my husband. He has backed off from drinking during the week, but usually gets really sauced on the weekends. It is full on my husband. He sucks at life coping skills. I've definitely been in a co-dependent relationship with him, without even realizing it. I've always heard the word co-dependent but always thought it as psycho-babble. I still don't understand it completely, however, I'm beginning to realize that my role in this relationship is severely unhealthy for myself and especially for my children. He, on the other hand, encourages me to drink by buying me my favorite kinds of wine and such. Obviously, I've stopped condoning his behavior by not drinking at all. One of us needs to be sober. Great info, thank you everyone.

I guess that's the thing I need to realize. I keep telling myself over and over that he needs to change himself, but keep looking for things to help him recognize that he needs help. I keep waiting for him to hit the bottom of his barrel, but, honestly, the only thing that seems to make him realize I'm serious is the fact that I asked for a divorce the other night. Then he tells me if I divorce him I'll be tearing the family up and it will be MY decision. We did try counseling at the beginning of the year, and he was doing ok, until the Dr. suggested he either go to an out patient clinic or think about taking an anti-depressant while he was sobering up. My husband shut down after that and insisted the Dr. was a quack. I guess because I'm not an addict, I don't understand why he just won't put his family first.

I tried supporting, but being an alcoholic, he doesn't think I am unless I just allow him to drink as much as he wants. We have two children, and they see him stumbling into things, passing out, etc. Then the next day, as he nurses a hangover, he wants nothing to do with them. I DID tell him last night that I was going to find a therapist for myself, if nothing else, to help me with my anger in all of this. His reply was, 'you're going by yourself?' I told him I would love for him to be with me, but if not I had to go for myself. His reply was, 'we can't afford it.' He doesn't want a wife, he wants his mommy. I DO think I will be finding an al-anon meeting to attend as well. Thank you.

aah. I understand the 'getting a friend or family member' now, thank you. I have seriously thought of talking to his best friend about this, and now I just may. Luckily, I have been squireling (sp?) some $$ here and there to get me through a certain amount of time, if I live with family. *sigh* it breaks my heart to see our marriage heading in this path. I really love him so much. He keeps thinking I don't like him, and I try to reiterate it's the alcohol I don't like. Thank you for your input.

well, he doesn't feel it's a problem. he feels he has a firm grip on his drinking. I mean, total denial. Example, last Friday he drank 2 bottles of champagne and a 6 pack of beer. He tells me that it doesn't matter how much he drinks because it's Friday night. See what I mean? All of his friends and family drink a lot as well, but they know when to say when. He keeps going into the wee hours (3am)

My dh is a functioning alcoholic. Hindsight is 20/20. I should never have married him. We just passed our 5th anniversary with two children under age 3. He stopped, for a short time, drinking during the week only to think it was ok to get really obliterated every weekend. So now, every weekend we have our big blow outs. He thinks his drinking is strictly MY problem. We even went to counseling. That, obviously, didn't help. Every weekend it's the same. He gets drunk, and sometimes verbally abusive. Then the next day, I'm steaming and he doesn't understand why I'm such a b*tch to him. This weekend I put my foot down and said I wanted a divorce. He got mad and accused me of 'tearing the family apart', and said I would have that on my shoulders for the rest of my life. He doesn't understand why his drinking bothers me so much. I'm so confused. I'm a SAHM, so no $$ to get an attorney to even talk to. I know I, personally, need counseling to help with all of this anger I've developed towards him. I see my anger being directed at my children at this point. Has anyone been through something like this and can offer up ANY advice?? Thanks in advance.