Is this the next stage of the END?

[Mun]

We can dig you out but you're gonna get some dirt on you.

 

Honey when you are at the bottom of that hole, and you have nowhere else to go, the only place you can go is back up. Are you at the bottom yet?

 

Question: What do you want? What do you REALLY want?

[frecklegirl]

I want real love................nope, I still want him to WANT me!!! So, I am not there yet.

 

I want to be.

[healinginnyc81]

frecklegirl, I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through lately. This guy is your drug. He comes by to use you every now and then and keep you addicted to him and then he goes back to his life.

 

Please step outside yourself and see what's happening. You are SO addicted to him. You need to break the habit.

 

You feel powerless right now, I know. Think how much control and power you would feel if you turned him down next time he calls or comes by. Find something to focus on besides him. Make a list of at least five things you can do to distract yourself whenever you get the urge to talk to him. (go for a run, take a bath, sing, read a book, watch a stupid movie, stare out the window, whatever)

 

It's really tough to see you keep hurting yourself, but you can stop the cycle if you make the choice and stick with it. Be strong. You're gonna have some of the withdrawal symptoms of an addiction (like cravings, feeling your ex is the only thing that will make you happy, feeling weak & jittery, anxiety). Just believe you can make it through one day at a time and it will pass. I wish you the best.

[frecklegirl]

Bkjsun, I so appreciate your honest advice...like everyone else, you seem like you care about what this feels like. Someone wrote a post about how people keep whining about their situation but don't take the advice offered. I feel like one of those people. Except, I do take the advice, just feels like 1 step forward then a few days later, 6 steps back!!!

 

He is a drug. Why is that? I am working to find in me what I seek from the outside. I want him to want me, but in reality I knew we were toxic. Now that he is with another, I feel rejected.

 

I hate the fact the last time I saw him, last week, I seemed needy and clingy....geez, he came by, we did the deed, then he was off in her car to go shampoo her carpets at the "house"! Damn, what an idiot I must seem and he knows I am there!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I have not contacted him since Friday. I move on the 10th out of state.....so, I want to get stronger, but still wonder if he will try to see me before I leave and what I will do~

 

He is not a great guy, he is basically using her, and ME! When I step outside myself as you suggest, he seems like someone so disrespectful that in turn it makes me disrespect me!

 

thanks and this is a drug I NEED to kick to become happpy, right??? I feel as long as I am mentally thinking, pining, giving in to him, I won't find the ONE!

 

your help is really appreciated, it just takes me a while to maintain the FEELING of strenght.

[Marmy]

Freckle, people who are upset because their advice isn't being heeded are probably not giving out their pearls of wisdom because they care. They're likely just wanting to feel influential and important.

 

Most of us who are here sincerely hurting over a break-up are doing our dead level best to work through it. Part of that is sorting out what advice seems wise and what probably isn't good for our situation. I'm a lot more likely to listen to advice from someone who genuinely seems to want to help others learn from their own mistakes, not someone who needs obedience of their advice to boost their own esteem.

 

That doesn't mean I listen only to the stuff that tickles my ears or makes me feel better. Sometimes the truth hurts but it's what we need to hear at the time. However, if someone is frustrated at the time table of someone else's healing or the mistakes made during healing, it says way more about them than it does the person who's just trying to get through heartbreak.

[frecklegirl]

I agree Marmy....I just don't want to appear that I am always just waiting for anyone to tell me "it's ok baby"......I do not mind the truth. Problem is sometimes you can't see the forest thru the trees and I NEED the help to open my eyes! I really am trying and I truly need the words I read here, good, hard honest advice.

 

I just keep playing in my head the fact he rolls over in the morning next to her. The fact he is not physically attracted but he says "that is not everything" no, but why would you sleep with someone unless there was chemistry. He is a sell out. She pays his entire way and it makes me sick to think he still wants me too! Maybe she truly loves him and he says he may fall in love with her in time. She is helping him in life when I needed a partner. Guess I was not accepting enough.

[curlygirl47]

My two cents today, for you and for myself: From "Beyond Blame," by Jeffrey Kottler: "I now realize that the origin of most of my conflicts is lodged in this need I have for others' validation and approval. Until I am willing to face up to the responsibility that comes with being in a relationship, including telling others what I want, I know that I will continue to have problems."

[healinginnyc81]

frecklegirl, I don't want you to blame yourself for this happening. It happens to everyone who falls in love and gets dumped. We have symptoms of addiction when we lose the person we love. Then of course you have the feeling of loss of control and being rejected and you didn't stop loving the person, so you have to fall out of love.

 

You are not alone in this. My ex broke up with me 7 weeks ago. During the first month, I talked to her 5 times, just to hear her voice, just to feel like she cared about me still, just because I didn't know why I loved her but she didn't love me, and I was addicted. I finally realized what this was doing to me and I have stopped trying to talk to her. It hurts very much not to have her in my life. But the pain will be well worth it when I become stronger and more self reliant and when I realize that I don't need her.

 

Please believe that you have the strength within you to get through this and you don't need him to love you. Bear with the pain and you will look back and appreciate what you've learned through this. Good luck with your move.

[healinginnyc81]

PS. No contact since friday is a great step forward. Don't worry about what he's thinking or doing or if he will come see you. Don't let him in if he comes by. Just tell him you can't let him do this to you and to the girl he's with. Tell him you want him out of your life.

 

That's just what seems like a good way to deal with it, but you know the situation best so I'm sure you'll see what's best.

[curlygirl47]

Your words bring back a memory from a long time ago, when I was still struggling to get over my first love, which took five years. I said to my long-time high school friend, "When will I ever get over this?" and she said, "When you realize you don't need him." Reward came at our 10 year reunion when he clearly demonstrated very strong feelings for me even after all those years. He said, "I did love you; I guess I always will."

[frecklegirl]

Curlygirl, I agree it comes from us and as another poster helped me with one day saying "it is not about me wanting him as much as me loving me"....why, if I had a stronger value, would I allow or want to let someone treat me this way, much less share some very special part of me.

 

Thanks bkjsun for you kind words. I can really feel your thoughts and hope you are doing ok too

 

Ii took a tiny baby step today. he called at my office today 3 times and emailed about 6! I answered the phone ( not knowing it was him)and was nice, but did not act all "twitterpated" like I usually do. As he hinted on me leaving early, didn't bite. As he finally said "meet me at your house at 2" I said "can't do it and I have to go, but it is good hearing from you and have fun"....he said 'ok bye"...I don't think he even felt it, but it was a small feat for me.

[healinginnyc81]

frecklegirl, I'm just sharing my experience,no need to thank me.

 

That is a huge step forward. You really showed your self worth by telling him you can't meet him and then by ending the conversation. You are starting to respect yourself more, I bet it feels great. Try to hold on to that feeling. Great to hear, keep it up!

[frecklegirl]

Self worth is powerful....I honestly must seem like a fraud. I have a good job, respect at work, etc. but if they only knew what a wimp, degraded person I have been with the ex! Well, I KNOW anyone can gain the self respect and self love they deserve.....I opened my heart and soul and just "asked" whatever you believe in, to allow me to love me!!!! I am stronger today than I have been in a long time. Weird, it feels like I am glowing~

probably because I am taking care of me! Chilled on the drinking, hit the gym harder than ever, and sleeping well. Feels good and I can't wait for the move and the future.

 

Who know's??? I am sure this is today, but I am going to try and remember it is just day to day.............thanks to all, we are all in this together and I appreciate all the help.

[frecklegirl]

See what I mean?????????? he just called....hmmm, I wonder how he does that? Must be a pay phone. But, in one quick swoop, I get all turned around again. Didn't really have a thing to say. The entire conversation was maybe a minute, what was that about?.......time, must make it better right?

[Mun]

You have to learn to crawl before you can walk.

 

Congrats on being stronger now. You are getting there. Dignity is the most attractive quality, you know that, keep at it. Know your worth.

 

Being in control of oneself feels great. You get to decide how things will turn out...

[frecklegirl]

Thanks Mun. I really like thinking I get to decide how things turn out! So long in this dysfunctional realationship I have felt like a boat bobbing along with the current, or fighting the current and not even knowing why......even if it took me farther out to SEA! Crazy analogy, but I think you know what I mean.

 

I just went along with him. Actually I was afraid of him! Not physically, but emotionally. He would get so mad and tell me how I frustrated him.

Now he says he has no frustration with her.Also no passion, oh well. Then why call me?

 

I think I want this to turn out with me moving forward. Me letting the right one in. The right one won't be frustrated and neither will I !

[frecklegirl]

There went my dignity! I was doing pretty good the last few days.....he called and I told him I was busy 3 days in a row, then today he called and I told him to call me later. When he called back he asked to come over, I said " I will meet you at the restraurant" ( a place we always go). He said, " no, I will pick you up". I said no, that I wanted to meet. I do NOT want to be picked up in his g/f car! Remember we have been on and off for 4 years and now he moved in with a girl he met online 3 months ago, moved here to my state, 10min. away.

 

Anyway, long story short.....he got irritated, said "forget it then". He thought I must be hiding someone and did not want him here. I asked what was wrong with him....he said " I dunno, I can't do this" but he was the one around the corner calling me! So, he does not want me with someone, but can't leave the woman who pays the bills and gives him the high life!

 

I ended up letting him come by. I can't seem to let go of him and me. We end up making out, having sex, nearly crying about how we did not work out. Then we AGAIN say goodbye FOREVER! This time I think it is, but I am scared then not......just wish I would have kept my dignity this time.

Why am I still in this cycle with him and he with me? He always says if it weren't for me still in his head, he would be happy with her. I think that is crap! If he was so happy he would not be here, and if he truly loved me, he would get a job and be with me, with all our history! Correct? Or am I just trying to soften the blow of rejection?

 

He calls comes by weekly since he has moved here and I always feel lost, sad, confused, mad when we part and he gets back in character......damn, I should be happy for him. He found someone willing to support/help him in his 38th year. Was I too shallow? He made me feel so wonderful at times and our passion was intense, maybe I should have been willing to let him live with me......was I selfish? Now I am not sure.

[healinginnyc81]

He only loves himself. He has two women who love him, why would he change that? He's happy right now because he has exactly what he wants from both of you - his gf supports him and doesn't know that he's cheating on her and he has no commitment to you but he gets to use you. He obviously does not have very strong morals.

 

You don't need him. You need to get away from him and never speak to him again. Maybe you could find something to dedicate your time to in order to get your mind off him. Maybe you could go away for a vacation or something. Really try to imagine a life without him. Think of all the possibilities, all the things you could enjoy in life without him. I think it helps when you can see that there are so many things you can do to enjoy life without the ex. It helps you to not think that life is empty without him and it helps to realize that you don't need him.

[Mun]

You know what? I stayed with my abusive ex because the sex was soooo good...I guess there always has to be plus in there somewhere to make mysery taste so sweet. I thought I was done with sex when I left him

but lucky for me I found the bigger better deal... aha...

 

Sounds like you are staying in this relationship for the same reasons. Take inventory and let us know what you come up with.

[frecklegirl]

Today is tough and to tell you the truth Mun, my inventory is in denial!! I am feeling like I need to tell him how I feel about how he is treating everyone....especially me! I am disgusted with myself for never having a voice when he is here! I want to say NO, but end up feeling wanted by him, then here we go again.........

 

I don't need to say anything I suppose. He knows, he really does, and nothing I say changes anything.

 

Yes, I will get back to you when I get this backbone re-installed. There is a place in me that wants to believe I will get not only great, real, love sex, but a good man also....gotta let this one go........

[Mun]

You will get a good man when you have let go of the one taking up his space.

[frecklegirl]

Touche'..................D____ is just a space taker, at least for me, huh?

Thanks, I needed that.

 

What am I afraid of? Losing what? Someone once told me "It is better to have nothing, than to have NOTHING"! so true.

[justlookin]

Touche'..................D____ is just a space taker, at least for me, huh?

Thanks, I needed that.

 

What am I afraid of? Losing what? Someone once told me "It is better to have nothing, than to have NOTHING"! so true.

 

I agree with all the others that have been trying to help you,I think that if you really wanted to do N/C you would.I think it was Einsteins definition of Insanity that helped me. We keep doing the same thing over and over and we expect something different to happen each time.

Love is one of the most powerful forces in the world, sometimes we get confused at the real meaning of it.

[frecklegirl]

Yes, justlookin' you're right, if I truly wanted to never talk or see him again I guess I would just never answer, or "happen" to be home when I know his routine. I am guilty of not being over him or us.

 

Love is powerful and perhaps I do not understand it and perhaps I have never had pure love from a man in my life. I want to be able to recognize it and catch it when it appears. Like Mun says, a good man may be there, when this one is not in his space.

thanks.........

[frecklegirl]

Okay, yes I am the classic "Einstein insanity analogy"!!! He calls today, after I broke down and emailed....so, he says he is running errands. We say goodbye. He calls and says when can you leave? I say not sure, he says I will be there in 30min. be ready, half joking. I had not planned for him to be here today and had alot to do, could not leave at the moment he wanted.

 

When he got here, he calls, I say I can't leave. Earlier I said I wanted to leave early, but was not sure,in my job you never know! So, when I say I can't leave he gets mad and says forget it! Tells me how frustrated he is for wasting 2 hours....I NEVER knew he was coming!!!

What to think?