Should I be jealous?

[You_Dont_Know_Me]

hello.

 

You've all read my messages. Thank you.

 

This is my first like, real real, boyfriend and so everything I'm going through is kind of confusing to me.

 

We've been together for about 8 and 1/2 months, and he thinks I don't trust him.

 

He's been talking about this one girl lately, we'll name her Sue - and how she has a crush on him, and how she told her one friend that'd she'd love to make out with him. And he's been talking about this other girl named, we'll name her Mary -- Mary has a boyfriend; my boyfriend's good friend, well it seems that Mary is always flirting with my boyfriend ... and that Mary's boyfriend doesn't really seem to care. I guess he get's upset about it; but doesn't do anything - just tells her to calm down and stop it.

 

Well, he's always telling me about him and Sue being together at school (we go to different schools.) , and how Sue will do this and Mary does that - and it upsets me. Is it that wrong that it upsets me?

 

I don't know if I'm jealous - or whichever. I trust that he doesn't do anything with them; but I'm getting nervous about it. I just don't trust them; I'm scared one of them will con him into something.

 

We're having some issues at the moment; you know the dieing of the sparks, but we still love each other and wan to be with each other ... and he said he feels as if his feelings for me have dulled because its' not new - which I understand. But, I'm scared he'll do something with one of these girls - because with Sue, everything would be new.

 

I know that when he was younger - or like years ago when he went out with this one girl, we'll name her Jane - he cheated on her with a girl named, we'll say Lilly. He said kissed Lilly - because he didn't care about Jane anymore, and it was just something to do, and he liked Lilly ---

 

I'm scared Sue will become a Lilly - and I'll be like poor Jane.

 

He says he'd never do anything like that to me ... and I think he woudln't because he knows what it's like to be cheated on, and I do trust him --- or maybe I don't.

 

He told me last night that he doens't htink I trust him; and that he understands if I don't. I mean, I can't just not trust him; he's never done anything for me not to?

 

I just don't like these girls hanging on him.

 

What can I say to him to let him know that I trust him - and to make myself feel better?

 

ANd it seems everything we discuss the girls it make the situation worse. Some how or another. Should I tell him how I'm scared I'll become Jane? Or just let it go and work with it myself?

[Mrocza]

Tell him how you feel.

 

Tell him that he has given you no reason not to trust him, so you're giving him the benefit of the doubt, but the fact that these other two girls are so flirtatious worries you because you don't know them, so you can't trust them.

 

Don't attack him or accuse him, just tell him it bothers you. Do a role-reversal scenario. He needs to understand how you feel.

 

I think your Jane-Lilly scenario is just paranoia. You have to let go of the mistakes he made in the past and not hold it against him or your relationship. Because he hasn't done anything to break your trust.

 

He's TELLING you about what these girls do...which could either be, he's letting you know whats going on, or trying to get a reaction out of you.

 

If your 'sparks' have died, why don't you try something new to rekindle the old flame. Make it 'new' again by doing something 'new' couples do. You've probably fallen into a routine as most couples tend to do (spend the weekends doing the same things over and over). Plan a day out, go skating, go tobagganing, plan a ski trip, do something sexy and totally unlike you for him Be creative.

 

Don't give up just yet

[WildChild]

Well two bells are loudly ringing right now. He told you he doesn't think you trust him, but he understands why. He has just validated to you that his behavior with these gals are enough to make you not trust him. The second bell is you obviously don't or can't trust him and so to ask for advice on how to get him to believe you would be giving advice on how to lie and convince yourself you do

[Mrocza]

I didn't catch on to what WildChild mentioned but she's right. (about the not trusting but he understands why)

 

In hearing that I'd become a bit suspicious. :S

[You_Dont_Know_Me]

I mean, I think he was like 10-12 when this couldv'e happened!?!?

 

Do you take relationships that serious at that age?

 

Hmm, maybe he was 13, I'll go with 13.

 

But, thank you all - and I haven't accused him, I just told him that I didn't trust them ...

 

But, I will talk to him about it ...

I was in complete tears about the situation last night.

 

So - just because he said that it means, he thinks himself that he can't be trusted? Or did he mean like "well, we've only been together this long - it takes time to earn trust" or something?

 

Yeah - I can't make myself think I trust him; it'd just be lying.

[Dating Coach]

If he's telling you that his feelings are dimming, then that is a VERY bad sign of things to come. Either get out now or prepare for the worst.

[You_Dont_Know_Me]

He said he still loves me though.

 

He doesn't want to end this?

 

 

Is it bad?

[Mun]

OK, my opinion is that when a man talks alot about a certain girl, saying stuff like " she's really funny, the other day she said..." or " she wears this crazy pink sweater that...." watch out ! because he is definitely interested in her...and maybe he could cheat if the situation presented itself.

 

I think it's very insensitive of him to talk to you about these girls, like what does he think will happen? Of course you are going to start getting jealous.

 

I will advise you this, the last thing you want to do is show him that you're scared of those girls taking him away. Never, ever let your man know you are insecure....you will never recover from it and if he's a jerk he will use it against you.

 

Confidence is very attractive and sexy

 

I think you should tell him this: that you are his girlfriend and you know that he has friends, but you would appreciate not hearing about them. How would he like it if you constantly talked about John, the cute guy in your biology class?

 

Then tell him something like " if a girl took away my guy, she can keep him because I wouldn't want him anymore" ---read that one in a book. Then check his reaction.

 

Don't let him jerk your feelings around like this.

[You_Dont_Know_Me]

Thanks Mun!

 

I like the one you read in the book; and I may use it if he brings something up about them soon - thank you.

 

And thank you everyone else!

 

I suppose maybe I'm reading into it too much. But, I do worry a lot about losing him ....

 

I'm trying to think of what he's all said about Sue, well that she's cute and he's said that Mary is hot. And he still has a picture of Lilly in his wallet; with a picture of me too -- I just try to ignore that one .. he's says he hates her and she's retarded; but still has the picture. Should I ask him about that? And he just says stuff like "Sue and I was talking about South park today" or "Sue told her friend this about me" and he commented the other day of "Sue, has a really good sense of humor, she's so laid back" then the next day he's liek "I'm so in love with you, because you can take a joke. I said a joke to Sue today and I think it offended her and I had to explain to her the joke" and I was joking around like "Oh, I'll go beat up Sue .. bla bla bla" and he was like "Sue will probably just look at you and be like 'oh okay'" .... is he forgetting that I'm like you too? - I mean I do suppose I tell him a lot about this guy I go to school with. All I say is just how me, him, and two other of my firends talk ... but I never mention to him what he says - like his sex jokes and what not.

 

The other day I did mention to my boyfriend, after hearing all the Sue comments and I said how I told Bob today that he was taking his jokes too far - and that I had a boyfriend and we couldn't be talking like that ..... and I mention to my boyfriend that when Bob makes jokes about 'keeping me warm' and stuff that I tell him that I have a boyfriend - and I constantly remind him of my boyfriend (Bob has a girlfriend - it's all jokingly) - but these girls know that my boyfriend has me, and they do it anyways ... and I don't know if he mentions anything about me or not? Bob actually wanted to go to McDonalds, to get something to eat before one of his games; and I told him I'd have to make sure it was okay with my boyfriend - and we'd see; and I'd make it some friends and me and Bob (we'd be like getting out of school early or something) because being with Bob alone would be weird. But, Bob understands that I have a boyfriend - so he doens't do anything - and I know I'm not his type, Bob's just a joker/pervert ...

 

But, I don't rub it in my boyfriends face - and ..

 

yeah.

 

Thanks for everyones input so far!!!!

[thinkstoomuch]

I'm not going to toot my own horn, but I will a bit. I'm not a overly attractive guy or anything, but I'm one of those types who seems to have girls WAY more attractive than me interested in me for some reason. I don't know why this is.

 

My current girlfriend is a little insecure about it, but I assure her that even though these girls are hot, I'm not interested because they're nuts and she's the only girl for me. Still, I got used to her being quiet and reserved and uncomfortable when I told her about some hot girl at work who was trying to flirt with me. So I just stopped telling her about these girls. It worked well for a while.

 

Then she went with me to a company outing where the hot girl got drunk and was overly flirtacious with me. My girlfriend HATED that, and with good reason. The next weekend I was out with my buddies and we ran into this girl, who once again flirted her butt off with me. Word got back to my girlfriend, who asked me why I was trying to keep secrets about a girl who was interested in/hitting on/flirting with me.

 

I told her it was because when I was really honest, she got jealous and weird. I was trying to be open to avoid jealousy issues and secrets and etc., but it backfired. Once I went the other way, she realized it was better to hear it out of my mouth rather than through the grapevine or with her own eyes. Now she laughs about this girl at work who has since moved on to crush on a married guy at work.

 

I don't know you or your boyfriend, but is it possible that he's telling you this stuff because he's done nothing wrong, doesn't plan to, and doesn't want to keep secrets from you?

[You_Dont_Know_Me]

So, he brought up Sue again tonight.

 

He said how him and Sue were talking again today; and how she said that if he didn't have a girlfriend she'd want to do stuff with him. (I guess she's religious or something, so like madly make-out or something!?!?)

 

And we were talking about something; just recently on the phone and he made the smart comment "Oh, I'll just go make out with Sue" .. and we were discussing how I probably won't be able to see him tomarrow night - and I was upset, very very much, that I didn't get to see him tonight because of complications of events and same with tomarrow and he, jokingly, was like "Oh, I'll just go to some of my other girlfriends houses - I'll go to Sue's and have some sex with her" ... and he's always joked about that kind of stuff. We've always joked like "Hey, what kept you? Hanging out with your other girlfriend" -- but we've never used names!?!?

 

I'm just getting fed up with listening about Sue Sue Sue - and I'm tired of listening to him joke about making out with her and what not. I don't think it's appropiate that he be saying things like that to me. And I'm scared that if I tell him that I don't like it, he'll just tell me that he's joking and I need to lighten up and take the joke .. and that I don't need to worry about it - he could never date Sue .. and that he loves me.

 

It seems lately he's gotten more emotional with me. Just last week he was telling me how I seemed to be more 'girlie' (I'm usually not one to be all lovey-dovey on the telephone), and that we were becoming like the couples we used to make fun of ( I made up a random pet name for him one day - I was hyper, and it sounded cute --) so, I stopped doing everything that 'the other couples', or the 'girliness' involved with. And I've noticed he's doing it. He called and when I answered he said "Have I ever told you about the most wonderful girl in the world named 'me'" and he asked me why I didn't call him by his pet name (this was sometime last week) anymore ... * * *! And why sometimes I'm not all sweet and stuff, like telling him not to let the bed bugs bite anymore, I did the other day, but like mentioned this was last week at some time.

 

The one girl named Mary, I guess has a very high annoying voice - in his opinion - and she is one of those people who talk as if their talking to a small child. When I become sleepy - my voice seems to raise, and I suppose sometimes I do weird, but not as if I'm talking to a two year old - I suppose I'm saying things, yeah, like I'm little - I don't know. The way I used to talk he said was so cute cute cute - months ago. Now he said that he doens't like talking to me when my voice is like that .. he asked me the other night if I could do him a favor, to stop talking like Mary --- and I just said screw it and decided to get off the phone and he apologized and just said that he just didn't like it when I talked like that.

 

And tonight it seemed that he got off the phone weird. Like he got sleepy - so super fast. I trust that he was sleepy, I heard him fall asleep then couldn't get him back up - so I hung the phone up on him - and he called me back all mad that I just didn't press a button on the phone to get him up. And he was like "Do you want to go to sleep" and I said "I'll stay up and talk - but if you want to go to sleep I'll go to sleep too." - any other time he wouldv'e questioned and been like "Well, if you want to talk - bla bla bla" tonight he was just like "Okay, I'm going to go to sleep, good night I love you - peshaw peshaw peshaw ..." ... maybe he was just really tired.