This is screwed up

[warped_mind]

So I have finally decided to come out here and voice my problem. I guess this is the first step in recovering from an abusive lover. He never hit me or layed his hands on me in an un-invited manner, but it sure feels like he has. The man is a drug addict. When he was high he would hire call girls (a sex addict too) and disrespect me in almost anyway possible. One time I had a prostitute tell me to get a life. LOL, maybe I do need to get a life outside him. I have been stuck in my house all day worrying about him and our stupid relationship.

 

When he is high he calls me names and yells at me. He disrespects my space, time and privacy. I rent an appartment with a roommate, and when he is high he thinks it is acceptable to call around at 5am. He will call over and over if I do not pick up, yet when I want to talk to him he does things like ignore me and hang up the phone in my ears. Part of me wants to ring him up and tell him "You're a real piece of work * * * * * * *. Don't ever call here again, forget you even met me" the other part of me wants to take him back in.

 

Another thing he does when he is high is call my mothers house. He knows how much I love her, yet he bothers my mum and calls me names when she is on the other end. My mum decided to make a police report so now he is mad at me?! For what? His own stupid actions? LOL. It would make me happy to see him arrested, harassing people is the least of the crimes he has commited.

 

Yet I love him and want to stay? This does not make sense. I need help. I need to be the better person.

[ratherbesailing]

warped mind -

 

There are alot of people that fall into the trap you are in. It is a trap and it isn't healthy. There is someone else out there for you that will treat you well and you should get away from this guy right now.

[Beec]

First, I think you need to learn a bit about what he is doing and how it would affect the normal person. It can be addictive, which is why you feel you love him. What is love after all but an emotional attachment.

 

When we are seeing anyone, our emotions will naturally rise and fall. It happens. When they do something nice for us or treat us well, we feel good, our emotions rise, and may soar. If they continue to do the same thing day after day, then you will begin to take it for granted. So, we need to kind of have an on and off switch to keep another person interested. We do nice things, and then we don't. But if you are nice and sweet, then nasty, mean, etc., to drive their emotions down, when the emotions soar again, they are relatively higher. When down is further down, the high is even higher. The bigger and bigger highs are like a drug. When youge thigh you feel grteat then you come down. He treats you badly to bring you down, then treats you nice, and that has you hooked.

 

If he was a drug, what would you do to get off of it? You'd need to give it up. So, give him up.

[warped_mind]

He is a nice guy who holds doors open and speaks politely. He is intelligent, educated and everything I want in a man. I am in college and he already has a career. I want everything he has minus the addictions.](*,)

[Beec]

OK, but you CAN find it elsewhere.

[Relationship Coach]

WM,

I'm really sorry for what you have been through and I'm glad you found your way here. After reading through your post I had to wonder, why are you still with him? OK, I understand love. I understand on a first hand basis because I'm very much in love with my wife. I also understand love on a multitude of levels because I work with people in the area of relationships as well as other areas.

 

What you are displaying is a form of unconditional love for your boyfriend but there is a very important part of unconditional love you are missing, the love of yourself. You love him for everything that he is and you are separating who he is by dividing him in to two people, when he is using and when he is not. You need to look at this in a different light. He may in fact be two people but by a finer division, who he is when he is using and who he is when he is getting ready to use again. Addicts go from getting high to planning their next high. There are actual euphoric moments that they psychologically experience when thinking about their next use.

 

Your acceptance of his behavior has given him permission to continue. You are putting yourself at risk because of his habits (prostitutes/drugs) and now you have burdened your mother. Your mother was dragged in to this because he knew he could get a response out of you through contacting her. Do you love your mother? Treat her as such and protect her from undue stress. You say that you love him, well I can't judge you on that but I will tell you he has no concept of love, he can't. His addiction is who he is and his love is all about himself. He is not intelligent, quite the opposite. You need to really look beyond what you think attracts you to this man and stop accepting his behavior. You need to put yourself before him and realize if he is so controlled by his addictions, why isn't he addicted to you? Either he gets help and quits 100% all of his destructive behavior or leave him. Most women would have been long gone when the hookers rang the doorbell. Good Luck.

[catgirl82]

warped mind

why is it you cant leave this man? it sounds like you know you should but why exactly are you sticking around? is it because you are afraid you wont be able to find another smart, career minded, polite guy?

 

there are sooooooooooooooooooo many guys out there with those great qualities without this ridiculous, disrespectful behavior that your boyfriend is exhibiting!!

 

i know its really really hard to break up with somebody that you love. but people do it every day because they are unhappy. being in love does not mean you should be in a relationship with that person. especially since i dont think this man loves you (im sorry if this sounds harsh)

[newts]

He wont have a job for much longer if he keeps this behaviour up.

 

There are plenty of men out there that are intelligent, good looking and everything that you want and they DON'T have drug addictions or anger problems. He does this to you because he knows you love him and by answering his calls or getting upset by his actions he knows he can get away with it! If he calls turn your phone off, if he comes around call the police, who cares how mad he will be with you, if you don't communicate with him you will never know.

 

Change your number, move to a new house, get your mother to get an unlisted number and if he still doesn't stop, you make a police report. This man needs to go to jail, harassment is a criminal offense.

 

You love him because of the intesity of your highs and lows with him, change the pattern and look for someone more deserving of your love.

[Gracelove]

Love from afar. You may love him, but as I heard someone say.."love doesn't hurt........" ...at least not like that.

You choose who you love. I loved my ex, but staying with him would have cost me my life. Definitely wasn't worth the price.

How can he love you when he is constantly doing things that he knows will hurt you?

When you love someone, you want what is best for them. If he really loved you, he would acknowledge his inappropriate behavior and leave you in an effort to spare you from his toxic behavior. Then he might consider coming around again, when his act was together.

My motto (since escaping my abusive relationship, is..) the sooner you get out the better.

More time (in the relationship) = more damage

SAVE YOURSELF.

[warped_mind]

Today, like the idiot I am, I decided to call him. He is sober right now. He insulted my mother the other day when he was high, he also threatened to run her cat over with his expensive car. He told me he was sorry and brushed me off. He hung up in my ear. I have been crying all morning, I am in love with a man that treats me like crap on the ground and it is sick. I feel like life cannot go on without him. I do not know what to do with these feelings; one part of me loves him to death, the other part thinks that the world would be better off without this scuz ball. I hate myself for thinking such things. Today he is angry, he always gets angry when he sobers up. I think he needs to apologize to my mother, but knowing him he will not do that even if I ask him.

 

I am a young college student who used to be on the deans list until I met him. I know it is all in my head, but I used to care about my grades a lot. After we met I stopped doing school work and now I am happy to make a B-. It is stupid how excited I get over a B grade. That would have been disappointing two years ago. I will be finishing next year and I am not ready emotionally to attend grad school or go out there and get a career. I just want to stay home and not think about how nasty the world is. This relationship is really taking away my spirit. It is taking a toll on me. I wish I could just talk to him right now, I need him.

 

I want him so badly that I fantasize about the sex we had before I go to bed. He was so strong and comforting when we had sex. I cannot seem to cut him out of my fantasies and that is another thing that is wrong. I cannot let go of the sex. I went to bed crying last night.

[catgirl82]

breaking up is terribly difficult. youre going to miss certain things about him, but when you start to miss those things, think of all the terrible effects he's had on your life. you yourself said hes taking away your spirit. this to me is heartbreaking. whats more important to you, your spirit, or sex with this guy?

 

if sex is the only thing you miss about this guy, its time to move on.

[RayKay]

Everyone here has given you WONDERFUL advice, and I really really advise you take heed of it.

 

Look, it is great that you love this guy...only because now you know you can love.

 

What is not so great is you are putting your love of him above your own health, emotional stability, life and love of yourself.

 

Who cares how great he is when he is not high. It really does not matter. He could be the biggest charitable donor in the world, be saving little kids lives in Ethiopia, stopping war, and find a cure for AIDS, none of it excuses how cruel he is to you, how he threatens you, your mother, your family, how he puts your health at risk by seeking out prostitutes and doing drugs.

 

I have a boyfriend. He is intelligent, educated, has a great job, does the dishes, works out, is close to his family, close to MY family, he is very supportive of me in some major life events right now, he listens to me, gives me great hugs, there is some awesome physical chemistry, we have a lot of fun together. And...he is ALWAYS like this. He does not have two different personalities, if he was awful to me on some days, they are not forgiven because of all the good he does. People whom love and respect you ALWAYS love and respect you. If I can find someone that awesome, honey, so can you, but first it requires you to gather up your strength, stop making excuses for his behaviour, and GET yourself away from this man. Call the police on him if he comes back, get a restraining order, just get him out of your life, stop going down in his sinking ship. And learn to love yourself first, before you give your love away to a guy whom does not deserve it in the least.

[Relationship Coach]

Your problem is you LOVE him more than yourself. Until you learn that YOU need to be the source of your OWN happiness, you will be lost. Your physical attraction to him is unhealthy because of "what" he does and "who" he does. This guy at his present pace will be lucky to live another 5 years. Find someone who will treat you well and is drug free. Your fantasies would be considered nightmares to most. The pain outweighs the pleasure, remember why you started this thread.

[warped_mind]

I miss him still. I contacted him today and he was high as a kite. I am disappointed in myself. I cannot let go. Something in me will not let go. This does not make any sense at all. Part of me (the sane and good part) wants to move on and be sucessful in my life, the other part (where my heart is) wants to be with him and become his other half. I have gone insane. In the last month it has been on and off between us and he has even got in between my mother (my best friend) and I. My mother refused to talk to me on Christmas because of him, my heart is torn. I am hurt in so many ways.