What Should I do??

[bamia37]

I have been married for 4 years. I was Muslim and my husband is Muslim as well. In my second year of marriage, I became Christian. My husband was upset and saught the advice of Islamic scholars. They told him to hold on to t he marriage and maybe I would turn back. During my years of marriage, I have endured my husband's porn addiction, a one night stand, and some outings to strip clubs. I have truly forgiven him and wanted to have kids with him.

 

I lost 2 kids by miscarriage. One of them was lost in April 2004 when I was only 6 weeks pregnant. The other one I lost in September 2005 when I was much farther along (18.5 wks pregnant). He was a boy and we had a funeral for him. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Both of my pregnancies were unplanned and my husband was never ready to have kids. In October, I told my husband that I wanted to start trying again. He told me he wanted me to wait a litttle bit longer for healing. I agreed. We went to a top perinatologist in the country and he told me that I had a weak cervix and would need to be stiched for my next pregnancy. He told me that he wanted me to wait until January to start having kids. In November we went back for a follow up with the doctor. He told me really great news. He said that I was healthy and ready to start having kids again.

 

Sadly, I noticed that my husband was not that excited. Nevertheless, I came home and I began to plan for a baby. My husband then told me he wanted to wait a bit longer. So, I asked him for a reason. Finally, he broke down and said that he is not sure he wants to have children with a Christian woman. He wants me to give him some more time to decide what he should do. He wants to speak to some Islamic scholars about the issue.

 

I am already 28 soon to be 29. How long should I wait?? I have already told him that I have no problems allowing our children to be raised Muslim and I do not intend to teach them my religion. I am not a seriously religious person. I am just spiritual and I am more in agreement with the teaching of Jesus than those of Muhammed.

 

Women, if you were in my shoes what would you do?? Men, what would you do if you were in my husband's shoes?

[thinkstoomuch]

Well, I'm sort of in the same boat, only to a much less extreme.

 

My girlfriend is very Catholic with no plans to change. I'm a generic Protestant, but don't actively attend church. I went to a Catholic high school and am very sure I want no part of the church. There's a lot I don't agree with. She will never leave. I love the crap outta her.

 

We're talking marriage in vague terms now, and that's definitely a blip on both our screens. I have no problem raising the kids Catholic, but I will definitely make it clear that there's other religions out there and and will encourage them to find the one that's right for them instead of blindly accepting the one they were born into.

 

Still, it's something we both have to think about. Relationships are all about compromise and open communication. Your husband needs to decide, and quickly, if he's okay being married to/having children with someone of a different religion. It's the same question my girlfriend and I have to ask ourselves. If he decides no, then... well, that'll be an answer you're going to have to live with. You'll need to ask yourself if your religious beliefs are worth divorce. No one can answer those questions but you.

 

Hard truth of life... sometimes you need more than love to make it work. Sometimes problems can't get worked out. Religion is one of those that could be a deal breaker.

[bamia37]

Thanks for your reply. He told me to give him 3 months to decide. I suppose I have no choice. I hope it all works out for the best with your situation.

[annie24]

I am less worried about the religion issue than I am that he cheated on you and went to strip clubs and his porn addiction. Those are neither christian nor muslim values. I am also suspicious about his lack of interest in having children. I don't think it has 100% to do with your new religion. Did he discuss his womanizing and porn addiction also with the muslim scholars?

 

Is he truly committed to your marriage?

[bamia37]

He says that he loves me very much but he does not want our kids to be raised in a confused environment. He thinks that even though I am not overly religious now I may change and take the kids to church. At that point he said he may have to take the kids away from me. He doesn't have his green card and I am sponsoring him, but he promised me that he is not married to me for that reason. I'm trying to believe him. It's hard sometimes not to doubt him. I'm not sure if there is another reason for all this and he is blaming the religion. All I can do is give him the benefit of the doubt. I have asked him to show me the letters he has written to the Islamic scholars. He told me he will think about it. Now I'm wondering if he has even mailed out anything. Meanwhile, my life is ticking away.

[annie24]

Your story has really affected me.

 

He sounds very suspicious to me. I think you are right to be feeling "doubts" about him. He doesn't have a green card, and he is speaking of having to take your children away from you? Again - not muslim or christian values.

 

He keeps saying that he is writing to Islamic scholars. But, I think if you are doubtful of that, you are doubtful with good reason! Why not just go visit a muslim scholar in your nearby area for "marital counseling?"

 

Again - did he really apologize and change his porn viewing, and going to strip clubs, and having one-night stand ways?

 

Trust your gut instinct! While I am all for trying to salvage a marriage, it seems to me that he is hiding quite a bit. I have seen many of my family members get married to people without green cards, and I have seen the troubles it has caused when their partners were less than honest about their intentions.

[thinkstoomuch]

Yeah, this is suddenly way shady. For the record, porn-viewing and strip clubs don't make a man shady... they make him a man. If you told him you wanted him to stop and he did... good on him. Forgiving him for a one-night stand was also big of you, but not entirely out of the ordinary.

 

But it sounds like there's still trust issues going on, and that's a bigger deal than religion in a relationship. If you don't believe him when he says he writes letters and he's unwilling to prove it, well, you're probably right. If you suspect he's marrying you for citizenship and you don't believe him when he denies it, then you're grappling with trust issues. I don't know who is right and wrong, but you better figure it out quick. As you said, your life is ticking away.

[annie24]

Yeah, this is suddenly way shady. For the record, porn-viewing and strip clubs don't make a man shady... they make him a man. If you told him you wanted him to stop and he did... good on him. Forgiving him for a one-night stand was also big of you, but not entirely out of the ordinary.

 

It's not that he's watching porn and going to strip clubs that is bothering me. Yes, lots of men do that, including many that I have dated, and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is when he's making other decisions in his life saying that he is a "good muslim" while he is, in fact, not being a good muslim at all. (Saying that he has to write to the Muslim scholars to determine what to do about his marriage... etc). Especially not the adultery. Those behaviors are not alright by any of the "the big religions" (christianity, islam, judaism)

 

The hypocrasy really gets to me. It does sound like it is a citizenship thing going on.

[Rayana]

Dear Bamia,

 

I am a muslim too and can tell you one thing. If you are bron a muslim or convert to islam, there is not turning back. You cannot convert to any other religion. So, the reality of the situation is that you are still a muslim and always will be one. So your husbands excuse of not wanting children with a christian is invalid, because you were born a muslim and there is no way out of that. Even if you practice christianity, you are still a muslim. Please speak to an isalmic scholar who can confirm the above with you, i know this is harsh but the penalty of denouncing islam is death! I certainly hope you dont live in saudi arabia.

 

My opinion is that you need to decide if you truly love this man, can you put up with the porn and other issues???? remember having a baby to help 'fix' a relationship is the most tried and FAILED method in the world. If anything a baby brigns more pressure and stress into a marriage. Only have this child if it is truly wanted by both its parents and can be brought into a stable home with parents on the same wavelenght.

[PocoDiablo]

He says that he loves me very much but he does not want our kids to be raised in a confused environment.

It sounds like he is the confused one.

 

He doesn't have his green card and I am sponsoring him, but he promised me that he is not married to me for that reason.

In *my* opinion and in my experience he is absolutely using you for a green card. What happens in three months? Does he get his green card or something, so then he can dump you?

 

The last guy I know who did this left the woman a short time after getting his green card.

 

I'm not sure if there is another reason for all this and he is blaming the religion. All I can do is give him the benefit of the doubt. I have asked him to show me the letters he has written to the Islamic scholars. He told me he will think about it. Now I'm wondering if he has even mailed out anything.

Actions speak louder than words. What is he hiding? Why not write to the scholars yourself and ask? Now, granted, there are probably some cultural differences that I cannot speak to, but my advice would be to judge someone based on what they do, and only secondarily on what they say.

 

However, I can also see his point of view as well. If I had married you as Muslim and then you changed your religion, which is a VERY heated topic, I would probably be very offended. I give him credit for sticking with you, because I would be hard pressed to do so.

 

Can we say "stuck between a rock and a hard place?" I've got no advice to give you. Sorry!

[bamia37]

It's a tough one. It had me up all night. To stay or not to stay will probably be the hardest decision of my life. I'm betting that more facts will come to play and the decision I have to make will become clearer.

[Dating Coach]

It's situations like these that make me glad that I am an atheist.

 

I agree that there seems to be a big issue of him cheating and being addicted to porn that is being ignored here. Your husband sounds like a hypocrite, and a selfish one at that. My opinion is that you leave him.

[bamia37]

My husband took me out to dinner last night. He said he will accept me as a Christian and he loves me so much. He wants me to keep the agreement that I would not teach the kids Christianity and allow them to be raised Muslim.

 

Now it is up to me to decide if I should stay or leave.

[annie24]

what about his cheating and porn addiction? Will he stray again?

 

do you think his attitude will change after he gets citizenship?

[bamia37]

Yes, I'm concerned about those t hings. I told him I need time to think about it.

 

It's a tough decision because now I know he loves me.