Feeling depressed ... Parents just don't understand

[dimstar]

Here's my story so far ...

 

I met a wonderful girl and after a week of dating, she told me she had a 5yr old daughter. At first, I wasn't sure about our relationship but I gave it a chance and I'm glad I did. After several months, I can honestly say I'm in love and want to spend the rest of my life with her and her daughter.

My problem is my parents bitterly disapprove of my relationship. You see, I'm an Asian male and my parents are very traditional. They would rather die than see me continue my relationship with this girl. This has placed a lot of stress on myself, my family and my relationship. I know my parents are acting irrationally and I've tried to convince them that they have to let me live my own life and be happy for me. I've even told my mom that if she loves me unconditionally, she would want me to be happy. She said she wanted me to be happy but would never accept my girlfriend and her daughter. This really hurts because I would do anything for my parents but will not give up my happiness and my life.

 

I've even told them that if I did let go, I would resent them for my rest of my life and they seemed to be okay with that. My sadness has almost turned into anger and hate. I just can't understand why my own parents cannot be happy for me when everyone I know is. They keeping begging me to reconsider my decision to be with her and continue to make me feel guilty about disrespecting them.

I don't know what to do or think anymore. This sadness and anger has affected my life and I'm afraid it'll start affecting my relationship with my girlfriend. My girlfriend says she'll stand by me no matter what but is deeply hurt and worried about my relationship with my family. I've been thinking about cutting off ties completely until my parents can start thinking rationally and start talking to me with an open-mind but at the same time, I don't think their stubborness will allow this. I seriously believe my mother would go insane or die of stress if I don't comply with their wishes. I just wish I had some support from my family through all of this ...

 

Thanks for reading.

[WildChild]

Wow, how horrible for you Their reason for not wanting you with your gf is because she has a daughter, or was she previously married, or had a child out of wedlock? I can't even imagine your position, however I know at times I have had to go against my parents wishes and proceeded forward with someone they felt wrong for me. However, if this girl has given them nothing to worry about (outside of tradition) I think you may have to put your foot down with them. That is my initial thought, but I would like to hear a little bit more background on your relationship with your gf i.e. how long you've dated, age of you both, etc...

[melrich]

I know my parents are acting irrationally

 

To me this is the key. They are being irrational (although I can understand their cultural issues are ingrained) and you should carry no burden of guilt about being with your partner.

 

My guess is that this is probably their one big play to get you to end the relationship. I would cut them off for a while. I think faced with the strength of your resolve they will eventually come to accept your choice of partner although they may never approve or form a relationship with her.

[dimstar]

I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 23, so she had her daughter in high school. I've accepted that because her daughter is a part of her. We've been together for almost 6 months but in that short time, we've developed such a strong bond and I love her so much. She treats me so good and is the most kind-hearted, caring and sweet girl I've ever met. I'm so lucky to have met her. We've talked about marriage, building a home together, having kids, growing old together. I would do anything to make her and her daughter smile and laugh.

 

My parents only found out about her daughter recently. I wanted them to get to know my girlfriend first without judging her. The other issue my parents have is that my girlfriend is caucasian. I'm just saddened my parents cannot accept my decision. I don't want to break ties with them and I don't want to hurt them but I don't want to give up my happiness to please them. All I've ever wanted in life was to meet the right girl, fall in love and be happy. I have done nothing wrong ... I didn't murder, steal or lie, I just fell in love.

[ratherbesailing]

dimstar -

 

It sounds like you have found someone you really care about and I'm happy for you. Don't let your parents spoil that.

 

Are you still living with your parents? If you are you need to get the heck out of there as fast as you can.

 

I don't think it is a good idea to completely cut off ties with any family members but I don't think you need to feed your mom's dramatics either. I wouldn't try to convince your mom that she's wrong and I wouldn't keep listening to her give you reasons why you shouldn't be dating your girlfriend.

 

Every time it comes up just tell your mom that you love her, that everything is going to be fine, but that you will not under any circumstance discuss your girlfriend with her. You may have to tell her a hundred times but if you avoid debating the reasons and just stick to telling her it isn't open for discussion she'll eventually give up. She won't die.

 

And again, move out if you haven't already.

 

Good luck

[dimstar]

I would cut them off for a while. I think faced with the strength of your resolve they will eventually come to accept your choice of partner although they may never approve or form a relationship with her.

 

Thank you for the advice. I just pray my mom doesn't do something to hurt herself. She tends to get very emotional and cannot deal with stress easily. She has already told me she's going to die if I don't let go, which in turn has made it so stressful on myself. I'm trying to keep the communication channel open but it seems my mom and dad will never change their decision. I tell my mom that it's up to her to bring happiness back into the family but she continues to remind me that she's raised me and made sacrifices and now it's my turn to do the same. Everytime they call me, I do feel some guilt and feel stressed. I just wish I could make the pain go away so I can be happy again and not have to worry so much.

[WildChild]

I think Melrich hit this one on the head. At some point they will have to come to resolve this. Maybe they are concerned because it is such a new relationship, but after more time maybe they will come to grips with it.

[WildChild]

Thank you for the advice. I just pray my mom doesn't do something to hurt herself. She tends to get very emotional and cannot deal with stress easily. She has already told me she's going to die if I don't let go, which in turn has made it so stressful on myself. I'm trying to keep the communication channel open but it seems my mom and dad will never change their decision. I tell my mom that it's up to her to bring happiness back into the family but she continues to remind me that she's raised me and made sacrifices and now it's my turn to do the same. Everytime they call me, I do feel some guilt and feel stressed. I just wish I could make the pain go away so I can be happy again and not have to worry so much.

 

Holy man, I can't believe this...how sad

[ratherbesailing]

Dimstar -

 

I should have added this to my earlier post, but don't be in a rush to get married either. I don't know how many months several is, but take your time.

[dimstar]

Are you still living with your parents? If you are you need to get the heck out of there as fast as you can.

 

It was only 6 months ago that I was living with my parents. When they first found out I was dating a caucasian girl, they were upset and acted irrationally. That's when I packed up and moved out. They realized I was being serious and begged me to come back and would accept my decision. I did go back home for a couple of weeks before I moved out again since I had finalized a purchase of a condo.

 

The time from when I first moved until now has been filled with so much happiness. You see, growing up, I was always depressed. My parents were overprotective and never let me play with friends or have any sort of social life. I've always respected my parent's wishes but I just can't this time. I keep thinking that if I let my girlfriend go, I would have lost the thing that has brought me so much joy to my life.

 

I don't think it is a good idea to completely cut off ties with any family members but I don't think you need to feed your mom's dramatics either. I wouldn't try to convince your mom that she's wrong and I wouldn't keep listening to her give you reasons why you shouldn't be dating your girlfriend.

 

Thank you for your advice. Perhaps reasoning with her is not the best approach. I do tell my mom I love her but she just can't understand why I can't let go. She keeps saying I'll find someone better but I don't want to find anyone else. I know in my heart I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

[dimstar]

I should have added this to my earlier post, but don't be in a rush to get married either. I don't know how many months several is, but take your time.

 

I was probably not too clear on this but we've talked about marriage but I don't see that happening for at least another year or two. All I ask from my parents is to give me a chance ... a chance to show them how happy my girlfriend and her daughter make me.

[lunatic]

WOW

 

Dimstar all I can say is you have to do what makes you happy. What ever you do is your decision and you don't rely on them anymore for a roof over your head. I would just stop calling them and talking to them.

 

Live your life if this is what makes you happy. Remember we cant choose our family and sometimes I wish I could.

 

If being with your girl is making you happy then to heck with the your parents. They are being racist(my folks are like this too a nice Italian girl) and demanding like they have been all your life it sounds. You do not live under their roof anymore and you do not have to answer to them.

 

If this was me I would just totally cut them off. When they call I would tell them that if they cannot accept {GF's name} then they do not accept you. I would tell them that your serious and that you are old enough to make your own decisions. That your tired of being told what to do as you were all your life. Tell them how you feel about this and how they are not being rational about this whole thing. THEN HANG UP!

[ratherbesailing]

dimstar -

 

Congratulations on the condo, great move.

[dimstar]

Thank you to everyone in this thread for their support, advice and understanding.

 

Last night, I sat down with my parents and had a family meeting. Before the meeting, I kept thinking to myself that I have to be strong and stay true to my heart. I would not let my parent's and my anger take control of my emotions.

 

Surprisingly, my parents were calm and gave their reasoning. My mom basically she could never accept my girlfriend and her daughter because she was worried for me. She talked about very odd subjects such as what if the biological father came back for her daughter and tried to harm me or what if my girlfriend's daughter disobeys me because I'm not her father. I tried to reassure my mom that no one can see the future and that she was thinking too much about the bad things that could happen. At this point, I didn't ask for their acceptance, only a chance to live my life and be with my girl. I did not back down because I wasn't prepared to give up my happiness and love. After a hour or so, they finally realized I wasn't going to change my decision and they said they would let me live my life but they still expressed their disapproval.

 

In the end, it wasn't the resolution I was hoping for, but I can see that my parents are willing to be more tolerant of my relationship with my girlfriend. In the meantime, I will not talk about my girlfriend to my parents, I cannot bring her to family events but I strongly believe that I can eventually make my parents see how happy I am in my relationship and they will understand and finally approve. I know this takes time but I'll be patient. Even my sister said that she will do everything possible to ease my girlfriend and her daughter into my family because it's not fair to them to not be able to attend family events just because our parents are close-minded. Like I said before, I was hoping for a better solution but I'm happy that I'll no longer be so stressed out. My girlfriend was also happy over this news and is still standing by me through all of this.

 

Again, thanks to all for listening.

[lunatic]

Sounds like you made some progress there Dimstar. I think it is a baby step in the right direction. Way to Go!!!!

[WildChild]

Glad to hear you talked with them dimstar! Their concerns come from their love for you, but you stood your ground without being critical of them. Ultimately they want your happiness and now that they have accepted the fact whether they like it or not, I'm sure they will see the happiness your gf and her daughter bring to you

[blondie95]

Hi Dimstar, in the nicest possible way it is nice to know im not the only one going through this. However my situation is a little different. I am 21 years old - people have always been amazed at my maturity, often saying I am mature beyond my years and so on. Not always an advantage. I have always mixed with older people and always knew deep down inside that I needed to have a relationship with someone a little more mature. When I met my new partner 6 months ago I knew he was older but was surprised when he turned out to be 44. He has never been married or had any children so has lived a different to live to that of most 44 year olds. We clicked and right from the first time we met we knew we were going to be an unstoppable team. The age doesnt bother us, to each other we are just the perfect team mate and we dont even think about it. I was honest with my family right from day one and was lucky to have my mother back me she told më "if I was happy she was on my side" Im not only the oldest child but the only daughter. My dad was not impressed and has since expected me to end the relationship, I have since moved to a different city to be with my man and we are so happy. My parents live overseas. The age difference is large, however we are so happy and very much in love and most people are very happy for us. I dont see why I should have to sacrifice my happiness with a wonderful person, who only wants the best for me to please others. I come from a very close family, and this has been so destructive. I feel so guilty. I also told my father that I would only resent him if I was to do things to please him, he said the same "you can resent me for the rest of my life" My young brothers have told me that I am tearing our family apart, that im being "dumb" That mum cries alot and dad hasnt spoken to me for a month. I dont think its fair that I should have to live my life to please others nor should you however the hurting and stress is so destructive and disabilling ! Some people have said, is it worth losing your family for this person - What kind of family walks away from you because all you did was find someone that made your heart sing ? We must hang in there. My boyfriend was talking to a friend the other day, she was with a man for three years that her parents never accepted for no apparent reason. She left him in the end, and is now the mother of a child - to a man that never loved her and ending up leaving. She cant understand why she isnt with the person she loved and that made her happy, remember this and continue to follow your heart!! I will do the same.