I'm so lost. Please help.

[Meesterjojo]

I'm wondering if anyone can help me by way of offering some advice for my situation. I have read several of the threads and have found some comfort (although I suspect more hope, which I don't view as a good thing now).

 

My ex broke up with me in October of this year. She said she couldn't go on anymore. She cried, wailed, etc, but the end result was a week later she's sleeping with someone new.

 

A little background: We had dated for 4 years. We met in NYC (neither of us were from there) in 2000. The first year and a half - two years were pure bliss. We were both guarded with our love, and didn't tell each other that we even loved each other till our 2nd Xmas together, though that didn't stop us from loving and showing a strong mutual respect for each other. Our friends would always comment as such, how they wish their relationships were as strong. If there was every anything so perfect then I have yet to find/experience it.

 

...then we moved back here. Problems started almost as soon as we got back: We lived with her mother (our move was costly and I did not have a job waiting for me when we got back), and I was unemployed for a good 4 months. I have escapist tendencies and would sit online or in a game to get away from the banalities of my real life. This in turn angered her to the point she would express great rage towards me.

 

We moved out of the mothers house soon enough, however, and started our life down here properly. By this time she had started, reguarly, showing her nastier side, and in turn I would seek to escape it (and whatever problems I had with reality: work, love life, etc).

 

Earlier this year, prior to our breakup, I was diagnosed with 2 genetic diseases: type 2 diabetes and hemochromatosis (iron accumulation in my system, fixed by quarterly phlebotomies). I responded to my diagnosis by getting out of my funk, becoming extremely positive, actively trying to make a change for the better. I felt my life, and our well being as a couple, now depended upon it. It was to be a short lived happiness: her grandmother, whom she was very close to, died shortly thereafter. She went into a dark depression and would act out on me for no reason at all, simply to unleash pent up anger and rage. When I needed support, I got none. I could not mantain my positive outlook. I went back into my escapism.

 

So Oct. comes and she breaks up with me one day after work. Starts sleeping with another guy. To make things more stressful our landlord and us get in a fight and he asks us to move out early (if we wanted, and we did): the end of the month. I'm in shock from one thing then another. Why she wanted to tell me about her new sex buddy I have no idea. She states "we've been together for 4 years, I feel you ought to know". I tell her I didn't care. In fact, for the first 3 weeks of our breakup I gave no outward signs of distress or any emotion at all. Just pure indifference.

 

The reality is that I was tore up. She would still fly into a rage at me, and especially at times when I would explain to her why I did not care about her sleeping around with strange men.

 

Well we finally move apart (yes, we were living together despite all this until our lease ended at the end of November), she moved back with her mother so that she might take care of some financial issues, and I moved into a nice apt. in the center of town. She got the car, I got a bus pass.

 

The week of the move she and I talked for the first time about things, and she calmed down. She told me that she wished she could tell me all about her men issues, as for years I was the person whom she told everything to, her closest friend and confidant. I explained that it hurt me to know these things, and I did not want to know anything: names, details...nothing.

 

Still, she let slip in a moment of anger and frustration (she raged on me for something her sex buddy did- condom broke and thus the ensuing worry and fear) details (see last) that I did not want to hear. When she is angered she will strike out in whatever way will do the most harm.

 

The last week, however, has been peaceful. I'm in my new place, she is in hers. She's been friendly, and acts concerned about me. I knew I wanted her back: In reflection I realised that I had been a primary reason why our relationship failed. I was always procrastinating and setting aside basic ambitions which would have benefitted both of us. She would remind me and try to encourage me to fulfill them, but I ignored her. I realised, finally, that these things I never did, which in my apathy to do them angered her, are things I'm not having to do just to get ahead in life. If only I had listened to her kind and supportive words I wouldn't be in this mess with her.

 

She and I finally had a talk about our relationship. I explained the above, in detail, and through her tears, she agreed with my assesment of it all. I asked her how she felt about me. She stated that she felt nothing for me- just like any other person. To quote "I have no romantic feelings for you, at all".

 

I explained that I wanted a chance to work all of this out. I knew what went wrong, and she saw that I had already taken steps to correct the issues of the past. She even admitted as such. Yet again came out the : I have no romantic feelings for you. Of course I did what I'm sure is the worst thing: I asked if there was ever a chance that she may be interested in dating me again? She said she couldn't answer that question- she didn't know right now.

 

I explained to her that I would be going NC with her, which she felt was a good thing for both of us. She cried some more and that was that.

 

Today she called. I picked up without looking who it was. She wanted to let me know my mother had called and that I should call her. I was cheery on the phone and she asked what I was doing. Gave her a summary of my busy day, and then tried to get off the phone with her. She made a bit more small talk, then I was able to hang up.

 

I hurt so much. I was such an idiot, such a fool. I've been in a number of relationships over the years, but never with anyone like her. I'm not sure, despite all of the cliches, that someone like that exists. I feel she is more than worthy for me to want to get back with, and hope I can be worthy of her.

 

Can anyone help me heal? I realise there is no sure-fire way to get someone you care deeply for back, but there must be some solid advice on ending the hurt and avoiding more pain? I do have a lot to keep me busy: my health is a full time job in itself. My new place is keeping me busy. I'm thinking of going back into school. I don't have an outlet to meet new people, so that's rather frustrating. Sometimes it all just seems so overwhelming, and I just don't know what to do. I've never been like this in my life.

[melrich]

Unfortunately there is no sure fire way to end the pain of a break up, it's something you just have to go through.

 

But it really will help you if you create a mindset that it is over, finished. It will help you to stop the contact with her or keep it to a bare minimum and it will help you to stay as busy as you can.

 

In my experience, all these things work towards hastening the time it takes to get over someone.

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome!

 

Well first of all I am so sorry about your break-up. (((hugs))) Another thing is that you need to stop taking the whole blame for your break-up. I mean, sure you had issues like procrastination and playing video games and such but she brought problems too. She used things in her life as an excuse to be resentful and hateful towards you, there was a lack of communication and she expected you to be a mind reader. Sorry, it just doesn't work that way. She told you about the dude she is sleeping with as a way to one-up you, she is angry with you. She has not had romantic feelings for you for quite some time, hence her ability to be this hurtful towards you and for her to admit she is with someone else. The reason she gave you why she said anything is pretty pathetic.

 

 

You're right, there is no sure fire solution to get over your ex, there is no magic potions, just time. Examine the things that went wrong in your relationship with her, learn and grow from those mistakes. I highly recommend NC with her and play attention to who calls you, don't absent-mindedly pick up the phone. Again I am sorry for what you have been through this year. Take very good care of yourself and wishin you all the best.

[Meesterjojo]

Well, as a bonus: We work for the same company. Fortunately in different departments which oh so rarely come into contact.

 

I've spent so much time thinking how someone can cry so much when you speak to them, but have 0 feelings for you. How someone can let what they themselves admit was probably an impossible love, just go without ever trying to see what could be if things were worked out.

 

She says she wants to be my friend, and to that effect, which I forgot to put in, she was over at my new place just yesterday. We had our "talk" then (tears from her, sobbing, etc, but that she had no "romantic feelings for me"). She cooked for me, took me out shopping, we went to lunch. Around 10pm (because we spent the whole day together) we went for coffee and talked a bit. She did want to go to some bar, but warned me that she would probably get picked up/hit-on by men there, and wanted to know if that would bother me. Obviously. Thus the coffee.

 

How can someone who has no feelings do the above? It just confuses me. I know I'm grabbing at straws, and I need to let it all go, but that's why I'm here: to try and figure out HOW to let go.

[kellbell]

She cried a lot because she had to face a truth she didn't to face and she had to make a choice she is having a hard time dealing with. You guys have been together for 4 years, thats a long time, and doing what's right for ourselves is very hard to do. I am sure she cares about because you have spent 4 years together but it's not enough.

 

The thing she said you about her getting hit on a lot in a bar is pretty lame unless she said it in a joking manner but still, it was kind of lame. She is feeling pretty low right now so now she needs some validation and she knows you will give it to her. That's why it is so important to be in NC with her. She wants you as friend to ease her guilt for breaking up with you and she wants to make sure you are ok, also done out of guilt. Again, for these reasons, I recommend you do NC. You guys work for different departments so NC is not impossible. I hope that you feel better really soon and take care.

[Meesterjojo]

She wasn't joking about the getting hit on/picked up deal. The few times she's thrown in something regarding her dating/sex life, and I start to calmly object/ask her not to, she gets frustrated and says "I just don't think I should be around you- I want to be able to talk about all of this, and not have to think about what I should and shouldn't say". Of course I'm in NC now 10 hours and counting.

 

Hmmm, she has said frequently how worried and concerned over me she is. Which of course adds to my confusion over how she feels.

 

Thanks for the responses, working this out with others really helps.

[rx7]

First of all congratulations in Taking care of your health as #1. I believe through all of your hardships this is easily the Most Important Issue.

 

Second, the pain of breakup etc. is absolutely awful, and can never be fully appreciated until you go through it yourself (as i did). There is lots of great posts on this site for how to help yourself deal with the breakup. (NC etc..)

 

Unfortunately also, as in my case you tend to see the nastier sides of people leading up to and after the actual breakup. I always prided myself in staying true to my own values and integrity along the way, as far as how i carried myself.. It is the one thing that you CAN control, even when the going gets nasty.

 

In your case you also have the added issue about the sex with other guys... I myself, would be upset that she rebounded so quickly and felt she had to tell you about it... I think she should have respected you enough to either keep that to herself, or not do that in the first place.

 

Also as far as visiting her, casually hanging out, shopping etc...

You may think that this is a good way to reconcile issues.....Unfortunately, I believe this is her way of having the cake and eating it too. (or whtever the saying is). This happened to me and i think I shot myself in the foot for a quick reconciliation. You must give her none of you in order for her to see what she is missing, and feel the pain of what its like without you in her life. Otherwise, she can use and abuse you while your at her beckon call (it happened to me)....

 

 

Be Strong, Take care of #1, and believe me it WILL take a long time.

[kellbell]

She is worried and concerned because she feels guilty. That's where it comes from. Don't confuse love with guilt. That will lead to a world of heart ache. She is angry with you which explains her ability to be mean to you and delve into details about her sex life and getting hit on. Continue with the NC.

[heloladies21]

1st thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself for the break up. This has nothing to do with your future ambitions. If it were the reason she would come back to you now because you're changing. It's not the real reason, it's just an excuse. The real reason is she just lost interest and there was no specific reason. The break up is all her fault though. It's her mistake by dumping you.

 

If she slept with someone else 1 week after breaking up with you she never truly cared about you anyways. That's just someone showing you they don't give a **** about you.

 

The reason she's keeping in contact with you is either she feels guilty about dumping you and wants to be your friend to ease her guilt or she's manipulative and likes having you in the background to boost her ego. This is not a sign that she's seriously considering getting back together with you.

 

In any case as soon as a girl starts considering other guys it's a dead issue. Especially if she slept with someone else, it's the point of no return. Do your best to go into No Contact for real (and that means not picking up when she calls and not returning her messages or texts or any tyoe of communication).

 

Do this if you want to heal up for real, but don't believe for a second that she's concerned about you. She's only concerned about her own guilt.

[Meesterjojo]

Hmmm, for some reason I never saw the love/guilt relationship.

 

Why does she feel guilt though? Just because she broke up after 4 years? Or maybe there's something else...like how quickly the sexual rebound for her came. I noted her leaving for "a quick smoke" and being gone for over an hour prior to her breaking up with me. Maybe she was meeting this guy before we split, and thus the guilt?

 

I don't think she feels anything for me other than some numb hole. Guilt would be akin to pity, and not something I want her to feel when she interacts with me if I ever wanted her back.

[heloladies21]

She feels guilt for dumping you. For hurting your feelings. That's the only thing she feels guilty for.

[Meesterjojo]

At work today. She wants to come over on occasion and make small talk, friendly-like. It's hard, and I'm confused as to how to act. Currently I'm being aggreable, but short with my words. I don't try to continue any of the conversations she starts, but cut them short if possible.

 

She asked me, more than once, if anything was wrong with me. I told her "not at all." Questions like that throw me off, how should I respond?

 

Her feeling guilt over breaking up with me has made me mad. Why should she get to feel anything other than, say, remorse over losing me. She's mean enough to tell me, after I had pleaded with her not to, about the men shes sleeping with, and even a sexual escapade gone awry, but she feels guilty because of any possible hurt I might feel from her breaking up with me?

 

It makes little and no sense to me, and it makes me mad. She needs to feel bad for her actions towards me. I wish she'd stop trying to be so selfish, and just stop talking to me. She's moved on to screwing other men, but wants her cake too (interacting with me). Can you tell I'm po'd?

 

Anyone have suggestions on how to deal with her, gently, to let her know I want space to be away from her, keeping in mind that I would, at my present state of mind, like to still be with her.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

Well, you hit the nail on the head about why she is doing this to you and your anger is normal and could be used to your advantage when trying to move on and not give in to her. The best thing now is like have been doing before, keep it short and simple with her. Then excuse yourself after few minutes. Like go to the mens' room or something like that. I know it's hard but try to keep as calm as you can. I know this is hard but you are doing great so far. Take care.

[Meesterjojo]

It's so much more than difficult to put on a strong-face and deal with her. Fortunately I really don't have to. I take a break and log into a matchmaking service and see she's there and online...all day.

 

I think I'll be dropping the service now. The thought of her slutting around the matchmakers frustrates me.

 

Grabbing at straws again: I remember something she told me during our last conversation, something about "the woman always wants to be chased". Do you think that means anything for me?

 

I'm so unhappy.

[moondog627]

Dude, forget her. She slept with another guy a WEEK after you guys broke up. You can do a lot better. And you're still very young. You'll meet new people at the class but maybe consider a different online dating service. Or simply work on yourself right now. But if she wants to play the ho, let her play the ho. She'll get hers in time.

[Nicesmile]

Lots of relationship advisers say do the "List" of things/traits you do not admire about her now she is out of your life. Its supposed to help you view the OP as an imperfect human - we often idealise people and relationships after a break-up and help you get over them and go looking for someone with qualities you actually like. Top of that list should be that she slept with someone else, in itself bad so soon after the break up, then "felt the need" to tell you about it, knowing full well you still have feelings for her and it would HURT you. Thats so vindictive. I see selfish as next on your list as she is still "hanging onto you". Its hard to do the list but stick it on your fridge and every day you will be able to add to it. People are imperfect, so obviously there are some things on the list you can live with but there are absolutely some you cannot forgive. As you do NC and work on yourself you will be able to identify which is which and if you ever get back together, you would be able to do so on your terms and see whether she accepts the new you who won't put up with certain things. Good Luck. Time does heal but the PROCESS is HARD.