Help, I'd Rather Not Meltdown Right Now

[msprague]

I just recently found out that my girlfriend of five years is having some serious doubts about our relationship. We've been solidly committed to each other for the full five year period we have been together and have never had any real problems to speak of. Anything we encountered we have been able to talk through and sort out.

 

Over the past two or three months I have noticed a definite change in her attitude and behaviour towards me. It's a combination of things from her sudden disinterest in getting pregnant when it was extremely important to extended absense usually attributed to work. She has been discussing the problems with a friend extensively but I only found out something was up when I asked her what was going on recently and was there something we needed to talk about. She says she doesn't know what the problem is but she needs to have some space to think things out. She tells me she still loves me.

 

Here's where I am having problems. I was married for ten years to a woman who behaved in a similar manner to my current girlfriend. She would leave early for work, she would arrive home late or have meetings or company functions that did not include spouses, she got a gym membership, she would go out with friends but not invite me to come along. Yes, I know, it all looks pretty bad but call me naive I really didn't notice a problem other than being frustrated at not being included. In the end I discovered she had been sleeping with someone from her office. We divorced. Enter the new girlfriend. The change in attitude, leaving early for work or coming home late, attending company functions that do not include spouse invites, and a lack of intimacy have started to happen following the same pattern as I experienced before only this time I am wide awake to the signs I saw before and it's pushing me into a panic.

 

I am totally afraid to be on the receiving end of another heart break that I am loathe to experience. I have asked her point blank to end it quick if she has decided she no longer wants to be with me and that she should not prolong the relationship so as to "save me" any pain. I really can't do this again. At the same time I have no real reason other than my extreme insecurities and past history to lead me to believe she is doing anything other than working late or going in early. She is a very social person and that she would want to spend time with her friends is totally normal.

 

Any thoughts? Any opinions? I have told her I will back off and give her whatever support and space she needs for as long as she needs it but the current situation has caused me such anxiety I'm at my wits end with fear of being hurt. At the same time I know it will not help her or me for me to confront her with my imagined thoughts. Help.

[Liquid Dream]

This is from my favorite book, I know it looks long, but please read.

The Prophet

By: Kahlil Gibran

 

"When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips"

 

Good Luck to you.

[msprague]

Thanks, this is good.

[RayKay]

Hey msprague,

 

Given your past experience, it is no surprise you are tuned to the signs now that you are getting. Now, she may not be cheating, but it is VERY clear there is a problem, doubts and a loss of interest - which can have the same consequences on the relationship.

 

Have you talked to your girlfriend seriously about these issues - I mean sat down and had a heart to heart with her about her doubts, about how to address this issue together, and how you are feeling right now? Instead of saying "leave" and giving her that power, you also need to show her you have power in this relationship too, and are not going to settle for less - less sex, less attention, less intimacy, less time, less etc forever!

 

Can I also ask, have you two ever discussed getting married? And kids? I have a feeling that she may be feeling as she does as she has begun to realize you may have different goals for the relationship. I assume she is not too much younger then you, so her time is "running out" in her mind, and biologically it is, and after a lot of time expressing she wanted kids, if you seemed to have reasons not to....she may realize she needs to move on because you don't share the same goals with her...same with marriage.

 

I really think instead of avoiding the issue out of fear, or giving ultimatums, you two really need to sit down and TALK. If necessary, write her a letter first, an honest, but compassionate, loving letter, telling her how you feel, and maybe see if she will do the same, then discuss them together if it makes it easier. I don't think you can do "nothing" even if you do fear it, or wonder if you are imagining it.

 

NO matter what happens, you WILL be able to get through it, you really will, but I don't think you should avoid discussion and the possible truth to avoid the pain. Until you know that truth, and look at things from all angles (not just cheating) you don't even know the truth yet!

 

Best of luck.