Ex says they want friendship then nada, zippo!

[lonelyfish]

Hi, I was just wondering how many of you out there had your ex tell you they really wanted to be friends, hang out, etc. then to never here from them again! I hate that, are they just trying to make you feel better by giving you hope that you'll at least be friends? I've seen the good and bad posts on here about remaining friends with your ex. - most being bad because it seems like you don't get a break to either move on or solve the issues that caused the break up to begin with. Just wondering about all of your thoughts on this. Thannx!

[ZoeMatthews]

Well, in the beginning mine said that he wanted to remain friends but then he got mad at me for calling him and not giving him his "space".

 

So it could be that he needs a break from the relationship, but you should do NC for now....even if he started first...you continue with it

 

ZM

[polaris]

I had a variant on this recently. I heard from my ex, who basically wanted support, and I decided to try and be the decent one and not hold a grudge, and offered it. It was taken, things got better for her, and sure enough, contact just disappeared. I wasn't too pleased, but thought hey ho, that's how it goes. Then she contacted me again after a while, because sure enough things had gone wrong again. Needless to say, I was having nothing to do with her that time; she had her chance of friendship and she blew it.

 

Ex's come back for a variety of reasons, sometimes when things aren't going too well for them and they want support from someone they know can be caring, sometimes to assuage their guilt over what happened and convince themselves they didn't really do too much damage, sometimes to see if you're still there if they need a backup plan.

 

It's frequently bad news when it happens, but there's nothing you can do about it except keep your dignity, don't let them get too close again, and expect little, because more often than not, that's exactly what you'll get.

[TiredMan]

I think everyone's situation is obviously different.

 

I guess it depends on if you were friends before dating, how close you were, for how long, why the breakup etc.....

[Mun]

Hi there,

I've learned to say "sure, give me a call" and then not expect anything to come of it...because he's said it for the past 3 years. Mind you he is the one that initiates the conversation, begins to reminisce, makes the suggestion to get together...and then nothing.

[journey05]

Just seriously give it space and time. Ive been in this for a month and am on my 4th day of not talking to my ex.. I do have to remain in contact though..we have a son together. Makes it difficult. If I were you though just wait it out when they ask to hang or whatever. Gotta put yourself first in this case. Try not to analize it either...just go with the flow and feel it out for a bit...by yourself.

[melrich]

Yeah, often statements like "let's be friends" are inserted to soften the blow. In reality, for the dumper, seeing the ex is a constant reminder of the guilt they feel about having hurt someone and that contact can be as hurtful as for the dumpee.

 

Really the sensible thing to do for both the dumper and dumpee after the break up of any meaningful relationship is to take a decent break from each other. As long as is needed. Then reassess whether you want to stay in contact.

[catgirl82]

this is how i worked it out with my ex-

we dated for about 1.5 years and finally things were just so awful, we fought so much, that it was time to end the pain and break up. neither of us could bear to cut eachother out of our lives- so we made a pact to stay friends, no matter how much work it took.

 

believe me, it was ALOT of work!! alot of crying, alot of being brutally honest with eachother.

 

the key to becoming friends with your ex is to BE ON THE SAME PAGE!!! you cannot have a friendship if you 2 want different things.

 

after about a month we both wanted the same thing- friendsihp and nothing more. we acknowledged that we'd probably never date again and did not give eachother false hope.

 

after that, we saw each other every few months. we lived about 20 min away from eachother. we talked maybe every 2 weeks, which became every month, which has now become every other month.

 

he's since moved hundreds of miles away, which makes it even easier

 

anyway, the moral of my story is, we are now friends, and we can talk about relationships with other people, and while its still a little bit weird, we are in a much better place than we were when we dated and im glad we're staying in touch.

 

 

in regards to the original post- some people say lets be friends to soften the blow, and some people really mean it. you just need to both be on teh same page when it comes to that or someones feelings are going to be crushed

[lonelyfish]

Thanks for all your advice. My ex and had such a great friendship within our relationship, and we always told each other no matter what we would still be friends. I haven't talked to him in 1 1/2 months, I just thought he would have tried to contact me by now. The last time I talked to him though he said he was an emotional mess with things in his life and said he couldn't have talked to me prior. I know he's probably going through some tough times still so maybe thats still the reason he is being M.I.A. There's a part of me that is emphathetic to his situation but then every now and then this hurt comes over me like a freight train wondering why he hasn't contacted me.

[nowaysis]

who's idea was it to end your relationship lonelyfish?

[lonelyfish]

My ex decided to end the relationship. Looking back it was probably for the best considering his baggage he was and still is dealing with. I just thought we could have least be on friendly terms and feel comfortable talking more frequently with each other. Though I guess I understand he has lot of things to figure out on his own. The last time I spoke with him he ended by saying "Ill talk to you soon" but yeah, we all know how that goes. It's not like I don't think I'll ever here or see him again for we have mutual friends and I loaned him a bunch of stuff for his place.

[Jut]

Ex's come back for a variety of reasons, sometimes when things aren't going too well for them and they want support from someone they know can be caring, sometimes to assuage their guilt over what happened and convince themselves they didn't really do too much damage, sometimes to see if you're still there if they need a backup plan.

 

 

THis sums everything up. Good post.