It's killing our relationship

[mlchildr]

I have been with my with my boyfriend on and off for 5 years. We broke up after 4 years and were apart for a year and then got back together and have been together for a year. The only problem that is making it so hard for us to be together is that he never spends any money on me what so ever. If it is my b-day or christmas he will buy me a gift but besides that i have never received anything from here and this has been going on for 5 years. In 5 years i can recall him buying one outfit and that is it. To me it is not about buying me things but the fact that you take time and the thought about getting me something. I constantly buy him clothes, pay whenever we go out, buy groceries etc., etc....I have bought him a 4 wheeler and a boat. Everytime he ask for something he says I will pay you back and never ends up doing it. He makes about 40k a year and lives very comfortable. When he wants something for himself he has no problem buying but ever buying me anything doesn't exsist. I just feel like he doesn't care and we argue about it all the time. I know that when he dated other girls he would spend money on them...he even moved one in with him and she didn't have a job and he supported her. I own my own home and so does he......when he first bought his home i bought so much stuff for him...when i bought mine...nothing. I just want to be surprised sometime.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

I would stop buying stuff for him. A boat!! Wow. Are there other things in this relationship that is bothering you or just this? If you guys have other things to work with other than him spending money on you, then maybe you can focus on that. Like does he tell you he loves you, does he call you at work, does he do stuff around the house, is he reliable, does he keep his promises (other than saying he will pay you back)? I mean there's more to a relationship than spending money on one another.

 

Instead of arguing about it, maybe take it in a different approach, such as saying "you don't this, you don't do that..." say, "this is how I see it, this is how it makes me feel, and this is what I need from you." Turning you statements in to I statements may put his less on the defense and perhaps more willing to listen to you. Then after that, see what happens.

[theantibarbie23]

I constantly buy him clothes, pay whenever we go out, buy groceries etc., etc....I have bought him a 4 wheeler and a boat.

 

He sounds really thoughtless, imo. If after five years and numerous fights, he hasn't done a thing different, I doubt he's going to start now.

 

You'll have to decide if this is something you can live without. It sounds like this is something that's important to you. I enjoy doing the gifts thing too but you need to LIMIT your spending on him. Stop paying for him when you go out, stop buying his groceries... let him see how it feels to be in your shoes.

 

Another thing I'm wondering about is, does he show that he's greatful for the things you do or does he just expect it? Some people will start acting like parasites if given the opportunity.

[ocrob]

Wow, how about going out with me. lol This guy is definitely taking advantage of you, but you are letting him. Stop spending money on him and see if he is still interested in you. As everyone on this site says, actions speak louder than words. Stop complaining to him about spending money on him, just stop. When you are at a restaurant and the bill comes, just sit there. He can't make you pay and he will look stupid if he makes a scene. If he does, then say you will pay half. When times got a little tough for me financially, my ex either paid half or we switched off. But, this guy is taking complete advantage. Stop feeding the fire and see how he responds.

 

Robert

[mlchildr]

Thanks for all of the responses. Just to answer some quick questions...Sometimes he acts grateful for things that i buy other times i think that he just expects it. It seems like evrytime we go out he whines and says he doesn't have the money to pay for it and i end paying but then when he wants something he always has the money to buy it. He was complaining about having no money for christmas so i said fine don't give me any gifts just quit whining all the time about having no money and the funny thing is he has money but he just doesn't like spending it on anyboby but himself.

[RayKay]

What the HECK are you doing buying someone whom is NOT your husband or fiancee 4-wheelers and boats? Sorry hon, but these are NOT things you should be buying a boyfriend!

 

It sounds to me like he is taking advantage of your nature, and it also sounds like in some ways you are trying to BUY his love, because in your heart you know something is not right here and that he may not feel the same way of you as he hope he does.

 

Stop buying for him all the time. If he can't pay a bill, tell him he can go to the kitchen to do the dishes as payment, I am sure he will find some magical money pretty fast.

 

If he is like this after five years, sorry sweetie, but he ain't changing.

 

In my opinion someone that ungenerous with their money (I mean I am near broke, and I still want to treat my partner!) is also ungenerous with their love. it's not like he does not have the money if he is able to buy things for himself all the time. I think it may be time to realize you are not getting what you need out of this relationship...not just with "gifts of appreciation" but with his love of you. What do you think?

[kellbell]

Oh girl, he's a gigalo!! Let him whine, I can't believe it. I would stop spending money on him. Tell him there is bologna in the fridge and go out with your girlfriends. I mean it's one thing if he is short on cash at times but he expects it?? Woah!

[theantibarbie23]

It seems like evrytime we go out he whines and says he doesn't have the money to pay for it and i end paying but then when he wants something he always has the money to buy it. He was complaining about having no money for christmas so i said fine don't give me any gifts just quit whining all the time about having no money and the funny thing is he has money but he just doesn't like spending it on anyboby but himself.

 

This guy is a leech. You don't need someone whom would whine about christmas in order to get you to tell him not to bother with a gift. DO NOT give him anything this year. If you already bought it, take it back! If you can't take it back, give it to someone else or sell it on EBAY!

 

Seriously, what are you doing with a guy like this? The previous poster is right. If people are real stingy and selfish with money they are often that way with their affection as well. You deserve better than this. I would be out the door if I were you. You could do much better than him.