He's back

[Gracelove]

Thanks so much ocrob! I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

[TAFFY]

Gracelove, sometimes closure doesn't come right away; what I mean is, that naturally you're going to have feelings right now, and they are going to be mixed because until the closure time has ended, this will never be closed in your mind.

 

I have 2 violent but different ex's in my life. I nearly married both of them, but I got out because I completely lost my mind. The 1st I dated on and off exclusively for 13 yrs. He has a diagnosed mental illness that makes him quite violent at times. I ended the relationship about 8 yrs ago, because I couldn't take it any more. Relationships are supposed to be about giving/taking. Mine was all taking -- he took from me but gave me nothing in return.

 

The 2nd ex was also an abuser, but I didn't know that until I moved in with him. While we were dating he was the most wonderful caring man any girl could ever want; but as soon as he had me where he wanted me, the kid gloves came off. This man had a length of lead pipe by his chair and a hammer beside the bed. It's a wonder I got out of that one, alive.

 

Gracelove, in case you are wondering where I am going with this, here it is: you should never feel like you have to explain yourself or any decision that you make. These people who are asking these questions, are they friends of yours? I'm sorry to say this but they are not being very supportive of you when they ask you these things. As for other people or even family members, all they need to know is that you are done with the relationship and that you just don't want to discuss it anymore. Period.

 

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't discuss it with your counsellor or your new lawyer; I just think that the less pressure (and they are putting pressure on you to talk and bring it all back) your family and friends put on you right now and in the future, you will heal better.

 

Moderators, I really feel like my posts are getting too long, and I really don't mean for that to happen, but please tell me if you would like me to shorten my posts and I will try. I just think Gracelove needs to hear what I have to offer in the way of experiences. Gracelove, if there's something that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying in the open forum, you can always send me a pm.

[avman]

Taffy there is no restriction on the length of posts giving advice. Do not worry at all about it.

[Gracelove]

Hey There Taffy!!!

I know I'm not a moderator, but I like the length of your messages.

You have certainly been through some stuff, to say the least. I'm so glad that you are out of those relationships.

There two abusers in your life, were those the only 2 people you almost married?

I ask because I was in an oppressive relationship prior to the one the my "ex". I was engaged to both of them as well. I've had two relationships prior to the last to, and I wasn't engaged to those guys. Sometimes when I think about it, I think it's sad that I was engaged to the two "bad guys".

 

I think it's because they want to hold on to something good. I mean, they definitely wouldn't stay with someone who acted like they did.

 

Oh well.

How did you get out of your relationships? I know I wouldn't have left it I didn't believe with all my heart that I would die soon if I didn't. What convinced you to leave? Did anyone help you?

How was your recovery process in the beginning?

I was happy at first. Then scared. Then completely immobilized. Then able to function on some level....and things keep improving.

That's something I forget sometimes. Even though recovery may be a "long road ahead", at least we keep improving. Have you noticed how things have improved for you? How your strength has developed? Sometimes I forget. But I am grateful for that.

 

I feel better today. That's definitely on the upside. I didn't sleep that well last night. I had a dream that my ex was trying to get me.

Despite that, things are definitely looking up.

Things will be over soon. Ya know? He will lie. I've accepted that to be a fact. He doesn't want to look bad, espicially not in front of a job. It'll be okay though. I feel more free today. More at peace.

Things will work out.

So right now, I'm just "riding the wave"

Thanks for offering a pm.

[ocrob]

Gracelove, I completely wish you the best. Have you ever been with a good guy? I am wondering if you are drawn to these guys for some reason. I am not saying that you are drawn to abusive men, but maybe their bad boy image? It's so funny how the nice guys get taken advantage of. I am a nice guy, but so bad. lol

 

ocrob

[TAFFY]

Ocrob, it's not the badboy image she's attracted to. It's because women who've been abused tend to overlook the good guys in favor of one who would be abusive. The way it was explained to me, and I will use myself as an example; I was physically, sexually, verbally and mentally abused all of my life. So, as the abuse continues, and you wonder why it continues, the thought comes into your mind that you must really be a bad person to have this keep happening to you, and so you subconsciously tend to overlook the good guys and always go after the bad guys, because they are familiar to you. It's not because you want to be with someone who abuses you, but deep down ( and I have to thank DN for making me understand this) you think that you don't deserve someone nice, someone who will love you, care for you, and support you. It is all a complex issue of self-esteem, and how you see yourself. That's why I keep telling Gracelove that everything that happened to her is not her fault, it never was her fault. She was not the sick one in her relationship, her ex was.

[TAFFY]

Gracelove, I'll answer your post questions to me in a while. I'll get back to you.

[teacup]

i dont think that's it. i never thought i deserved to be treated like trash. no woman hates herself that much. i think it's a simple matter of not being able to recognize good men from bad men. i know for sure i am out there searching for a good guy now but i still have trouble recognizing a good one from a bad one. i still worry about it.

[TAFFY]

teacup, I never said that gracelove thinks of herself as trash, and I certainly never thought I was trash, either. But if the abuse is ongoing for a long period of time, it harms the sufferer's self-esteem and gives them a false belief that they don't deserve a nice man/woman. That's what I meant. Actually, DN helped me see this, so if you have an issue with this explanation, perhaps you should speak with DN about it. I probably haven't explained it well enough to be understood, and if that's the case, I apologize. I certainly didn't intend to open a can of worms.

[teacup]

you didn't.

 

incidentally.....i lost my chance at a guy i thought was really good, honest, real......and now im really sad. i picked the one that's not good for me.......and im hella sad now. but it's too late.

 

im trying to understand it all as much as anyone. but i want someone good this time....someone genuinely good.

[Gracelove]

Actually, I'm not really drawn to bad boys. My ex wouldn't be considered the "bad boy" type. He'd be more likely to fall under the "loner" or "nerd" type. LOL. Weird huh.

 

I have had two nice boyfriends before actually. I was so in love with my second boyfriend, we were the most compatible. And he is so sweet. We ended up breaking up because he wanted to date other girls. I mean you can't blame him, it was freshman year.

We had talked about dating other people before hand. We didn't want to be one of those couples who got married early and later begin to rescent(sp?) each other because we "missed out" on a chance to date other people/have that experience. Then we never ended up getting back together.

 

I do miss him. I wish we could be friends.

 

N-Eways, I know why I ended up in 2 unhealthy relationships. It's because I had to learn how to say "no". I'm a very accepting person, so if (in the past) someone asked me to be with them, I would say "yes". Stupid I know.

I really appreciate everyone trying to help me. I understand Taffy's explanation, to me it makes perfect sense. I am aware though, that is may not apply to everyone, and that's where teacup comes in.

 

Believe you me, I have definitely thought of Taffy's explanation over the last year or so. I looked at every possible scenario. I think esteem, or just your thoughts in general can play into why you ended up in an abusive relationship.

 

I used to think of every bad thing that could possibly happen to me. I would think of horrible scenarios so I could plan how I would react if I was ever in that situation. It stemmed from a fear of being ill-prepared. I think that dwelling on certain things brought them to me.

 

Today isn't one of my best days. I'm realizing that this whole trial thing has got me pretty worked up. I don't know what to expect. I definitely never expected for this to happen in my life. Going to court, in front of a judge. Scary thought. All I wanted to do was heal and be left alone. That's it.

I feel like giving up. I should have immediately sought a counselor at the beginning of this semester. I'm hurt. And at times I think I might be angry, because I feel trapped.

I felt trapped in the relationship with my ex, and now I still feel trapped. I feel like I can't move on from all of this. He may not ever go away. I may have to move before I am able to get some sort of peace. And that sucks. My ex already has his degree. And I feel like I'm being deprived of mine. If he has ever cared for me, or ever loved me, why can't he be considerate, just a little bit.

 

Someone told me that he is mad he can't have me, and as long as he destroys me so no one else can have me, he'll be content.

 

I think that's sad.

I really want my life back. I want my life back.

I've tried, and I've made small progresses, but I have yet to achieve that goal.

[Hope75]

Grace,

 

Don't give up. If you do, than he wins. The way to get your life back is to be strong and get yourself a new lawyer and go through with the trial. He should not get away with making you feel afraid to get your degree or have a life.

 

This isn't about love for him, it's about control and punishment.

 

It IS very hard. I was in an abusive relationship 7 years ago for 5 years. I was afraid to leave him. He threatened to kill me if I did, and when he tried to kill me anyway, I realized I had to leave.

 

You CAN do this. I left him and went back to school not once but TWICE, and am now working towards a degree in nursing. I have a wonderful boyfriend now and we just celebrated 3 years together.

 

You don't have to let this man keep control of you anymore. It will be hard, but you can do it.

[Gracelove]

Congratulations hope75!!!! That is sooo wonderful. I know you must feel so good. You have a wonderful, loving companion and are feeling good about school.

Thank you for the encouragement. I'm feeling better today. Unfortunately we are going to be sticking with the same lawyer. If we get another lawyer we will have to wait for a new hearing date.

My dad and one of my friends will be testifying on my behalf, so that makes me feel more comfortable. One of the security guards may even testify for me if the University allows them to do so.

I'll be soooo happy when I am able to have a wonderful boyfriend one day. I don't feel at all close to that time, but I know it will come one day.

Thanks for all of your support.

Sincerely,

Grace

[Hope75]

Hi Grace,

 

Thanks. I just want you to know that you CAN do it. I was single for awhile before I met the right guy, but in that time I learned to be comfortable on my own and to depend on ME, and that has been invaluable to me in the relationship and in my life. Before my present bf I dated a few more frogs too. It takes time to find the right person. Sometimes you have to go through a few frogs before you find the prince.....It's important not to be afraid of being alone, that way if things don't work out in a future relationship, you will not be afraid to leave.

 

Your ex should not have power over you anymore, and you are gradually taking that back by standing up for yourself and letting him and the world know that you are NOT going allow him to treat you this way.

 

You are very brave, if I haven't told you so already.

 

I'm sorry that you are keeping that lawyer.... what is wrong with postponing the court date in leu of a better attorney?

[TAFFY]

Grace, I'm sorry it's taken me this long to get back to you. I've had some problems lately myself, so I wasn't doing much of anything. You asked me how I got out of my abusive relationship.

 

The one I dated/was informally engaged to for 13 yrs on and off has a documented mental illness. He would have psychotic episodes, and at the end of our time together for about a year and a half his meds were not working. He heard voices all the time, and when we would go somewhere or if I was at his house, he would go off by himself and constantly talk to those voices. It's like he withdrew from reality completely, and I couldn't handle that, so I ended it. This was in 1995. We've been apart for 10 yrs and he still has the nerve to pick up the phone and call me. He called one time, about 4 yrs ago and wanted to come to the house, and I told him that was up to Mom as it was her house, and he asked her and she said yes, and I told her that I would not be here when he got here. I left. He called again around the first of this year, but I never called him back. My mother was afraid for me because he was so unbalanced.

 

The last ex was sort of a loner. I met him when he was a patient of mine on the ambulance (Hope -- listen closely -- BIG BIG BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!). Anyway he wanted to go out with me, and this was a year after the 1st breakup. So I started to see him, he would never take me anywhere except to a 4th of July picnic at his aunt's house. He was as sweet as he could be, and very gentle with me. I told him my history, and everything else. I guess that's why, when he asked me to move in with him after a very short time, I did. Then the kid gloves came off. How did I get out of this one?

 

I realized, after 3 wks (I couldn't see the forest through the trees) that the pushing, shoving, name calling, etc., was not going to get better, it was only going to get worse, so I told him that we were through. His response was to spit on me. I DO NOT LIKE SPITTERS WHATSOEVER!!!!!!!! I left and moved back in with my Mom.

 

Grace it saddens me to hear that you're sticking with the same lawyer, but I can understand the part about wanting it to be over.

Keep your courage up, hold your head up high, and stand your ground. You've made it this far, when you never thought you could. You can do this. You have more courage than you know. Again, that comes with the issue of self-esteem. What gave me the most courage to get out of the last relationship was the thought that I don't need to put up with any more abuse. I kind of got some backbone at that time, but things aren't so good right now.

 

Anyway, do you have a meeting set up with your lawyer and your witnesses before the hearing? If you don't, see if you can meet for a few minutes before the hearing starts to go over things. It might help you.

 

Anyway, I know that you can do this. You have to do this, because right now, Hope is right; he's still controlling you. You have to end this and do whatever it takes to give YOU closure. If closure for you means that he goes to jail, or whatever, then so be it. STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM IN YOUR CORNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take care, Grace.

[avman]

While I can understand you wanting to get things over with, you need to realize that you are STUCK with the agreement that comes out of this process. I really, really, really, really think you should postpone the hearing and get another legal opinion. You don't want to go signing something you'll regret for years and years.

 

Please, please reconsider this.

[Gracelove]

Hey Everybody!!!!!!!!!

I love you guys so much! You are so supportive.

So I went to court today......................

...............and..................

The judge issued a year-long restraining order!!!!!!!!!!!

I was soooo happy!!!!

My "ex's" lawyer realized she was going to lose when she saw the witnesses, and decided to back down. Espicially since one of my witnesses happens to be a friend of hers. Nobody had to testify. But we had enough evidence to blow her case right out of the water (if we had a chance to present it). N-Eways........

KEEP JOURNALS GUYS!!

And letters.

I looked through my old journals, and letters. Guess what? In one of his letters he pretty much admitted to stalking me, and abusing me.

SILLY, SILLY, BOY.

N-eways, write down your feelings, keep a log of everything. It really comes in handy.

The judge told my ex to move on, that our relationship was over. He told him if he hears about him bothering me again, he will put him in jail for a year.

VICTORY!!!

Thanks for the support!!!!

My ex was staring at me while we were waiting to enter the courtroom. He stared at me in the courtroom. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to look at him. I knew he would just try to scare me.

It has been such a busy day guys. I've been running non-stop. I thought I was going to transfer to another school for this coming semester, but people are encouraging me to stay.

I've had people tell me they will spend time helping me through.

If I stay I'll probably have to go to counseling twice a week (if they'll let me).

It's amazing, but I still feel drained.

Some of the people at my school (well the Dean and Department head), are strongly suggesting that I move back on campus for my own safety.

The idea of moving again, and not knowing for sure where I'll be staying, leaves me feeling a little unsettled.

I also just gave away my pet kitten Emily. I miss her already (I had to give her away because my parents don't want another cat). I love Emily so much, I had to make sure she'd have a loving home. She knew I was leaving her, she was sooooo sad...and so was I.

I guess I just haven't had time to relax.

Life can be such a roller coaster guys. Espicially when you've been really hurt. Abuse changes peoples lives so drastically. Who knew recovering could be so hard.

I feel like crying.

I feel like my parents have spent so much money, as a result of my problems, ya know.

They got me this apartment off campus, and I'll have to leave before my lease is up.

I thought transferring would give me a fresh start, but now I'll be staying here.

What if I can't change things? What if I'm still sad? What if I have a breakdown? Who is going to lift me up? There are people around me but I still feel alone. It's nobody's responsibilty to protect me, but me.

I'm so scared guys.

Things just don't seem to be working. Over the past year and a half, I've been so optimistic, in the beginning. I think that I'll be okay, and I'll be able to focus on school....and it doesn't happen.

I'm just in a funk. I don't know how to get out. I'm afraid that everything will fail me, that nothing will work for me, and those thoughts really scare me.

I don't want to be depressed, I want to be better.

I feel like such a problem child, like I'm wasting everyone's money, hopes, and dreams. I feel like a disappointment...most of all to myself.

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I didn't plan this for my life.

Who's going to help me?

I have highs and lows, but sometimes I wonder if the highs ever existed.

And I'm terrified of people knowing that I have these issues. People see me as the girl who is on top of the world. They tell me that I'm "always happy". They don't know how I feel. It's true that I'm full of optimism, however it often fails me.

Being optimistic gets me from one moment to the next, it's how I'm surviving right now.

Optimisim was just a learned behavior, now it's a survival technique.

I lie to myself and tell myself that I'm okay, but I'm not. I don't feel okay. But I can't tell myself that, without immediately reassuring myself that I am. I feel like if I truly acknowledge my feelings that I'll go insane. I feel like I can't handle my feelings right now, if I let them flow they may swallow me whole.

N-Eways............

Well I guess I better go now guys.

I'll be home tomorrow, so I'll respond to all of your wonderful replies then.

Sweet dreams.

[TAFFY]

Gracelove, YOU'VE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND MOST OF ALL, YOU DID NOT LET HIM INTIMIDATE YOU, WHICH WAS HIS INTENTION WHEN HE WAS STARING AT YOU. YOU WON, GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What you are feeling now, is letdown. You've had yourself psyched so much for so long, and now that it's over, you just need to sit back, relax, and reflect on the fact that you are a winner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't stress that enough!!!! I have to admit that I was concerned about your present lawyer, and the fact that she didn't seem to know which end was up, but you pulled it off.

I also think the reason you are feeling bad right now, is that you've reached some sort of ending,

and I think you're just sad because it had come to this. You are much better off than you were. I also think for your safety and security that it would be a good idea to move back on campus.

Is your ex still allowed to attend college there where you are? What happened with that?

I've said this before, but it bears being said again: STAY ALERT. DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN FOR EVEN 1 MINUTE. Watch your self, and like you said, keep writing everything down. That was great that you had that entry in your journal about his admission of stalking. I'm not saying keep looking back over your shoulder 24/7, but just be aware of your surroundings, and if you go somewhere with somebody, get into the habit of writing their name's down, so you have a record of potential witnesses.

I'm so proud of you for seeing this through!!!!!!!!!

Take care and keep up the good work!!!!!

[Gracelove]

Thanks so much Taffy. You are always encouraging me. I really appreciate it.

It turns out that my "ex" isn't taking classes afterall, he is just working.

 

He can still work on campus. However...a certain person told me to inform them if he starts bothering me. This certain person has the power to get him fired with the snap of their fingers, and will do so if he doesn't leave me alone.

[TAFFY]

Make sure you write that down, time day and date. Keep it for future reference. You may be wondering why I'm stressing writing everthing down; it's just that I was trained that way; if something is written down, it either didn't happen or wasn't done. Besides the journal will help you remember things. Take care Grace!!

[Hope75]

Hey Grace,

 

Congratulations! I am so proud of you that you did not back down, and that you did NOT let him win in the courtroom. I hope he listened to the judge and what he said about getting on with his life. You hold onto those letters he wrote threatening you, should you need them again.

 

As for your future, you are a smart girl, and your intiution is doubly tuned and you will know now to pay attention to red flags. You also know that it's not so scary to be on your own, and now that you can stand up for yourself and depend on yourself, you won't be afraid to leave the next guy should he turn out not to be a good man who treats you well.

 

Well done girl!

 

Way to go!

[Gracelove]

Hey There All!!!

I'm sorry I haven't been on in for what seems like forever.

I've been sleeping a lot since arriving home, and stressing over things for which I probably have no control over.

I hope all has been well with you guys....

Taffy, I've been meaning to tell you that when you said you, "don't like spitters what-so-ever", I thought that was the most hilarious thing. That sounds like something I would say when I was really angry.

Hope, you are definitely right, I won't be dating any more angry people like my ex.

Thanks for all of your support guys!!!

[TAFFY]

Gracelove, you don't have to apologize. In fact, I'd be worried if you weren't sleeping. This is just your body's way of telling you that you need the extra sleep. I'd venture to say that up until the actual court date, you probably weren't sleeping much at all, and now that it's over and you're winding down, it's YOUR time now. Just relax and enjoy it. Do something good for yourself, whatever makes you happy that you haven't done in awhile. Things will equal out for you. Take care.

[lovecrazy]

OMG Congrats on you winning the case!

 

Please keep us up dated

[TAFFY]

Gracelove, how are you doing now?