He's back

[Gracelove]

My ex is back. I was angry at first, now I'm just here.

 

I found a stray kitten. Her name is now Emily.

I was on campus (at my college) taking her to the see the vet (at the vet school).

 

He was there.

 

He graduated over a year and a half ago. He was a construction science major. He doesn't like animals that much and he didn't have one with him.

 

P.S. This is the man who once threatened to run over my cat

 

He saw me walking, with a lady. We had to pass him; I avoided eye contact.

 

Why was he there? I think it's because when he popped up at the gas station (around the corner from my house), he saw me wearing scrubs.

Since he thought I graduated he must have assumed I'm now in vet. school.

 

N-Eways, after I was seated in the lobby, he walked by a couple of times. There isn't really anything in the direction he was walking in, just more chairs. He just wanted to see where I was.

 

I was later informed that he is now enrolled at my school again. He's taking some classes and working part time in the building that houses the gym I like to go to.

 

I don't like him, and that's an extreme understatement.

 

Why would he choose to take classes at a pricey private school? He's not enrolled in Graduate school, so what's the point? You can take random classes anywhere. Why isn't he going to school at home in Mississippi? It would be cheaper, and he HATES to spend money. He didn't even like school. He has no family in this town, no friends. IS SO ISN'T FAIR!

 

What good is a restraining order going to do me now? He can follow me all he wants as long as it's on campus.

 

I'm starting not to care anymore.

 

On top of that my lawyer is the crapiest lawyer in the world. She forgets to tell me things.

She tells my mother, father, and me different stories. She "forgot" to tell me that I had a temporary restraining order against my ex. How do you "forget" to tell your client that? How do you "forget" to give me a copy? She doesn't do her job, we have to stay on top of her for everything.

 

When I first came to her about a restraining order, she was telling me that I had to find information on my ex. I had drive by certain places and see if he lived there, etc. etc.

 

If I'm trying to get a restraining order against him, why in the world should I be the one trying to seek him out. Law offices hire people to do stuff like that.

 

I'm frustrated. I feel like I have no where to go.

 

I'm tired, ya know. This is been over a year and a half of my life. MY LIFE.

 

I'm extra cautious all the time. When I go somewhere, and return home, I have to check every room in my house before I can feel half-way safe. This is sooooooo ridiculous!!!!

 

I don't mind men, I like them just fine, but I don't trust them enough to have a relationship with them.

 

How am I suppose to concentrate on anything, let alone school, when I don't feel safe. Tell me that.

 

P.S. My ex was extremely abusive and has had a history of stalking and harassing me, even after he graduated. I just want it to end. Being over 2000 miles away from home doesn't help either.

[TAFFY]

Gracelove, dear, he's still stalking you. Is the restraining order that you have against him valid in the state where you are at now? What I mean is, if your school is not in the state where you have the restraining order, you might want to check with the local police to see if you would need to ask for another TPO where you're at now.

 

You also might want to check the TPO to see exactly what it says. If it says that he cannot be within so many feet or miles of you, than by his constantly walking past you in the vets office or getting as close as he can to you, he's violating the TPO and you can have him picked up for that violation, and then you could have charges brought against him for stalking, and if he's found guilty of stalking, he can be put in prison for that. A federal stalking law went into effect a few years ago.

 

What I would advise you to do is to start documenting everything. If he calls you, write it down, if he emails you or IMs you, print them out, if you are somewhere and he "just happens to walk by you" write it down. That information will be very useful if you need to file stalking charges on him.

 

Take great care of yourself and be careful.

[Bethany]

I have to agree with Taffy. I would also inform the college verbally and in written form what has happened and say that you are concerned for your safety.

Get yourself a new lawyer who will have all the relevant paperwork transferred and get this back into the legal system as quickly as possible.

 

Inform your parents and surround yourself with lots of friends and do not walk alone.

[Tigris]

Do exactly what Taffy's advised you to do. I agree with her totally. Also, is there somebody at the school who you could go and talk to and explain about your problem? Finally, try and stay around other people that way you'll have witnesses to his behaviour.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Hope75]

Agreed, and I'd like to add that maybe it's time to see new, more aggressive counsel? Your attorney sounds basically useless. If you have legal evidence that this man has stalked you and harmed you in the past, that should be grounds for a new stay away/ restraining order.

 

Also, talk to a counselor at your school and find out whom you need to talk to there to let them know what's going on. You deserve to feel safe at your school. With the stay away order he may not even be allowed to attend!

 

Let us know how it goes.

[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!!!

 

Thanks for all of the information. It's helpful.

 

My restraining order is valid in this state.

 

The order says that he can't be at my school or place of residence.

P.S. Thanks I didn't know if the order would still be valid since he now goes to school where I do.

 

After seeing him I went to campus security and gave them a copy of the order. Then I went to the police department. The lady at the police department notified me that my order was expired. My lawyer said she would send me the valid order, but had actually sent the old one instead. I never opened the envelope until I gave it to campus security, they didn't pick up on the expired date either. So when I went to the police department they informed that it was expired.

 

At that point I broke down. Having to deal with all of that over the course of a few hours was a bit much.

 

And can you believe that my lawyer didn't even want me to give a copy of the order to the police in town? She said there they wouldn't do anything with it. Can you believe that?! I went anyways of course.

 

After speaking with my father she took a copy of the valid order to the police. The same department she told me not to give a copy of the order..

 

I just don't want the hearing to be postponed again. And I don't want to be in court looking like an idiot.

You guys are definitely right! I really need a new lawyer.

[Hope75]

I assume that if you have a restraining order against him than he is not allowed to be on the school campus with you, and that is not a reason for the order to be changed, he must obey it and since he is the offender he needs to stay within X amount of feet away from you-- even if it means he can't attend school. Did you talk to the police about it? What about campus security? What did they say?

[avman]

With all due respect, your lawyer sounds like an idiot. I think its time to fire her and find someone else who will act in your best interest.

[Gracelove]

I talked to campus security, they took a copy of my order and said they would give it to someone else (their boss I assume).

One of the campus security officers asked me who my order was against. I told her, she stared at me and started smiling, almost like she had just been caught doing something illegal. I then asked her if she new him, and she said yes. He is friends with some of the security officers, which doesn't help me any. When we were together he said he would discuss his anger issues with them, and according to his behavior that didn't help him any.

When I spoke to the police they told me to come back with a valid order, which is what my lawyer claims she has now given them.

[TAFFY]

Gracelove, that's something that you need to document, that you found out that he's friends with some of the campus security people. And here's something else; try to find out which ones he is friendly with and write their names down. That way, if something does happen, and if the investigation goes into which campus security were on duty at the time of the incident, (God forbid anything should happen) the individual(s) can also be brought up on charges and possibly fired.

 

Don't let that thought stop you from doing something that is going to preserve your health and safety, and maybe ultimately your life. I don't mean to scare you, but you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself.

[Hope75]

When I spoke to the police they told me to come back with a valid order, which is what my lawyer claims she has now given them

 

I think you need to follow up on this, don't you?

 

And- talk to campus security again and ask to speak to the person in charge. Get clarification whether or not he is allowed to be on campus with you. I hate to say it, but it sounds like everyone is pretty much sleeping on the job and you need to start waking them up and figure out what your rights are and get this taken care of.

 

Have you thought of getting a new lawyer? One who knows what she's doing?

[Gracelove]

You are right. All of this happened yesterday, I should have followed up today. I didn't follow up today because I wanted to spend time doing something else. Escaping I guess. I get so unhappy and discouraged thinking about everything sometimes.

My finals start tomorrow and go through next week. I'll definitely call her and check on things though.

Thanks for all of the help.

P.S. I have thought about getting another lawyer. My mom said all of the paperwork is pretty much complete now. So we'll see.

[Gracelove]

I have taken down the name of one of the security guards he is friends with

[TAFFY]

Great news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gracelove]

Great news guys!!! One of the campus police talked to me yesterday. He went to talk to my ex. The is one of the officers that is not buddy-buddy with him. He also informed me that my ex had been served!!!

My lawyer didn't even inform me of that, no big surprise there.

I feel great! More safe. Espicially since someone of authority, in my town has gone to speak with him. I feel more safe.

Thank you guys for all of your support! It has helped strengthen me. I really appreciate it

Sincerely,

Gracelove

P.S. I'll keep you posted.

[Hope75]

So is he even allowed on campus with you since you have a restraining order against him?

 

What happens now?

[TAFFY]

I'm happy that things have settled a little bit, and I, also would like to know if he's still allowed on campus or not.

 

Just don't let your guard down, even for 1 second, and I hope you documented that the campus police contacted you about your ex, and that you wrote down which police officer talked to you. I would also contact your lawyer just to make sure that your ex had been served papers and what the papers said. You're on the right track, now is not the time to get lax with your cautions. Please, just stay on track now.

[Gracelove]

Hey There Taffy!!!

 

Thanks so much for your support, I really need it right now.

 

I just heard from my lawyer.

My ex has a lawyer, and my lawyer sounds intimidated.

 

My lawyer is pretty much defending my ex Taffy.

 

She was like, "when you saw him at the gas station, who was there first"?

 

I was like, "He was, but I frequent that gas station. It's right around the corner from my house" I went to that gas station almost everyday, to the convenient store or for gas.

 

Then she was like, "when you saw him at the vet was he there first?"

 

I was like, "Ya". But what does that have to do with it, ya know? He wasn't an Animal Science major, he didn't have a pet with him and he's not a vet.

 

Then she was like, "did you know that he is going to be working over there?"

 

And I'm like, "Of course not".

 

I felt like she was interrogating me. Then she's telling me that he wants to settle out of court.

 

He wants me to sign some paper saying that I won't bother him anymore and that he won't bother me. What's that about!!! I've never bothered him. So why in the world am I going to sign some paper implying that I did.

 

Then I guess he is saying that I never worked out at the gym until I found out he was in the same building! Can you believe that! It's a lie, so it doesn't really matter, but still.

 

He is also saying that he never stopped by my apartment. That he never stayed at my house and that I never stayed at his house. All lies.

 

It really sucks.

 

Then she told me that it's going to cost her money to go to court with me on Wednesday. What!! How do you say that to me? She's only concerned with her interest, not looking bad in court. How can she imply that us going to court is going to be a strain on her and I shouldn't put that weight on her. I can't believe she had the

audacity to say that to me.

She also told me that it's not convenient for my ex to come to court on Wednesday.

 

I told her that it was convenient for my mom to fly all the way from California to be in court either.

P.S. My mom flew down to come to court with me almost 3 weeks ago. And because my lawyer didn't do her job the date had to be rescheduled (for this Wednesday).

 

Sometimes it feels like the drama never ends.

 

I don't want her representing me in court. She won't represent me in court. She has been flaky since the beginning.

 

She is saying that if we go to court it will be my word against his and that the order will be thrown out.

 

I don't care if it is my word against his. My word has more value because it's the truth. At least I'll be heard. At least I'll have a chance to speak. Am I supposed to be intimidated and not go to court because he'll tell lies about me? Is that his only threat? If he thinks that threat is going to keep me away he is wrong.

 

The only way I'll ever sign a piece of paper is if he admits to what he has done. And he sign a piece of paper saying that he will stay away from me.

 

I tell you, abusers are awful people. He used to call my mom and tell her how nice I was to him [he did this after we broke up, I guess he thought getting to her would make me consider taking him back. He was so foolish, my mother is more intelligent than that, and so am I]. He used to say how mean he was. Now he is going to act like he did nothing.

 

Abusers don't change. It's always the same. They don't want people to know their true colors, not unless they feel it will somehow benefit them.

[avman]

Hi Gracelove,

 

You need to fire your attorney. She is not serving your best interests and you are going to get screwed. So let her go. Don't sign anything or agree to anything until you find legal counsel that you trust.

 

If a court date is coming up, file a motion to reschedule with the court stating that you are changing legal representation. People do it all the time so it's no big deal. They will grant it.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. But there are just some people who aren't very good at their jobs. And your lawyer is one of those people.

[Hope75]

Yes, Avman is right. It's time for you to fire her and find an aggressive, intelligent attorney who is looking out for your best interests, and fast.

 

Can you do that?

[TAFFY]

I agree completely with Avman and Hope. You can either ask for a new court date due to you firing your present attornery, or in court, you can speak up and tell the judge that you feel that your present attorney has not properly represented you and ask for a continuance on those grounds. The judge will most likely ask why he/she should grant a continuance and at that point you can speak and tell him/her why. And if it comes to that, or even before if you really feel strongly enough, write to the Bar Association in the state you live in and file a complaint against this attorney. The Bar Association will open an investigation into your complaint, and then make a determination as to whether the attorney is guilty of (I can't think of the word I want) incompetence or not. In that case, the least that can happen is that she will be disbarred, and the most that can happen is disbarrment and jail time.

 

This is very important: STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!!!!! DO NOT LET ANYONE, LEAST OF ALL YOUR LAWYER OR YOUR EX INTIMIDATE YOU. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I cannot stress this enough, that nothing that has happened to you is your fault. I've been there, I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Besides, I used to be a police dispatcher, so experience both as an abusee and a dispatcher is what I'm using here. Take care my friend.

[Gracelove]

Thanks so much you guys!

I am getting a new lawyer, and am keeping the Dec. 14th court date.

I'm just trying to figure out why I'm so sad and stressed out. It's not like he'll do anything to me. I mean I've really felt that way in the past, really sad and scared. But now I just feel stupid.

Today, one of my guy friends strongly implied that I was over-reacting. He said, "so he's stalking you, as long as he's not putting his hands on you or raping you, you are fine". That really hurt. He's my friend, but that hurt me. I felt like he totally wasn't supporting me.

I've never been to court before. I'm afraid my ex will say things to hurt me. I know he will be lying, and I'm afraid his lies will hurt.

I only tell the truth about the things he has done. Why does he still want to hurt me by lying? I don't lie about him. After all of the horrible things he has done, I don't lie about him. I only tell the truth. Why does he have to do things like that to me? He is so quick to apologize but he isn't sincere. All I wanted was for him to leave me alone. After everything that's all I asked.

 

I really hate to admit that I was scared of him, that I believe he is dangerous. Even until this day, when people ask me if I am really afraid of him, I hold back my feelings. I try to make things seem as if they aren't as bad as they really are.

 

It's like, for so long I've kept my feelings to myself. With any problem I've had I've kept it within. But I couldn't do that with this. It affected so much of my life, it was obvious. I had to take off of school, my grades severely dropped, I have to see therapists, I feel sad. I can't hide my problems anymore. And if you guys weren't here to support me through this site, then I'd feel like a complete wreck.

I just want to know why it still hurts. Why does he still want to hurt me like that? I know I'm a good person. I know that I don't deserve this. I can't allow him to convince me that he is better and I am over-reacting. I can't go in there and cower (Spelling?) because he is there. I can't act like I've just be beaten in a back room and have suddenly lost my voice or will to speak........I'm just scared. He is the bully that I am still afraid of, and it sucks.

[TAFFY]

Gracelove, you are probably feeling sad and stressed out, because you just now realizing that the relationship is over, and you are going through the 1st stage of grief. Just because you weren't married to each other, doesn't mean that you won't grieve the loss of the relationship. Trust me, you will.

 

I'm glad to hear that you are getting a new lawyer and that you are keeping the current court date. I still think that maybe you should file a complaint with the Bar Association in your state about your former attorney. If she's not doing her job properly with you, then they need to be made aware of this. You don't need to feel stupid, either, because you are not.

 

There are lots of good men around, but unfortunately I haven't found one yet. But, then every once in awhile, you run into the occasional insensitive lout, who doesn't understand what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship and the trauma that being in one leaves the unfortunate victim. It does seem to me that he is under-reacting, but that may be just because he truly doesn't understand.

 

As for your ex, part of the reason that people stalk other people is the psychological hold and power that it gives them, because they think this gives them power over the one they are stalking. It seems to me that he's in a sense saying to you, "I don't have to do anything to you to physically to keep you in line". I really think that he is thinking that if he keeps up what he's doing, that you will be so scared that you will go back to him to get rid of the fear. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU DO THIS, BECAUSE THE ABUSE WILL BE 10 TIMES WORSE THE 2ND TIME AROUND!!!

 

You are getting a new attorney, and you are keeping your court date. STAY ON TRACK AND STAND YOUR GROUND. You are not a doormat and now is your chance to prove it; not only to your ex, but also to yourself. Please keep us posted, if I'm not being too nosy.

[Gracelove]

Whoa!!!

This quote, "I don't have to do anything to you to physically to keep you in line"., is profound.

I never would have thought of that. You are so right. He probably feels that way.

And what you said about greiving the relationship is new to me also. I never would have thought that at this point I would just be realizing our relationship is over. I thought I finished greiving the relationship a long time ago. But maybe that's why I'm still sad.

In the relationship I felt like I was with a stranger at times. He was mean, hurtful, cruel, abusive. But I guess I felt close to him at times, like he cared for me. There were times where I truly felt he would murder me in an instant if I didn't escape at that moment. And I think that may have a lasting affect on me. It hurt to think that someone I was so kind to, and loved so much would do such a horrible thing to me. He was horrible, but I loved him at the time. I don't know why though. I think you can choose who you love. And I chose him, which was definitely a mistake.

My counselor asked me if I like him, my ex. No how can I like him. I'm scared of him, and I want him to like me, so he won't want to kill me, but I don't like him.

You are right. This is closure for me. I guess I never really had the closure. He always interrupted my healing process, by re-entering my life. I never really thought it would come this way. I didn't think that I'd be seeing him again. I thought that whatever happened I would be able to grieve and heal on my own.

I just feel the need to explain things to people. When people question, I feel like I'm always having to explain myself. "Did he hit you?"~ "no"...."Was it that bad?"....I feel like I'm always being questioned and that my answers fall short.

I just wish I was well again. I wish I could go to school and focus on my work. I wish the only thing I had to worry about was classes. I wish I could be happy again.

Being independent was so much easier before I met my ex.

Now I feel I need help, like I can't make it on my own at times.

You know when you pretend your problems don't exist things seem easier...at least for that moment. And you definitely don't have to defend yourself that's for sure. But we have to learn how to stand up for ourselves in all aspects of life I suppose.

Well, I think I'll go to bed.

Sweet dreams Taffy, and thanks for all your help.

Sincerely,

Grace

[ocrob]

I am sitting here reading this and feel so bad for you. I mean that in a compassionate way. I won't give any advice because it sounds like you have done everything right. I just wanted to wish you the best of luck!

 

ocrob