"Just Dont Understand And Hurting"...Need Help!!!!!

[7out102]

Hey Everybody-

 

This is my first time posting here and hopefully I will be ble to get some help with my situation. I have been reading the different threads here and they are great and some awesome advice has been given as well. Hopefully I will be bale to keep this as short as possible, so here I go.

 

About two years ago I met a wonderfull girl that lived about 4 hours away from me. At first I thought this will never work but it turned out to be one of the best years I have ever had. She was amazing and we had a great relationship. It sucked because it was long-distance but we say each other alot and really got very close. However like a idiot towards the end of the relationship I started to get insecure about things. I knew she loved me and wanted to be with me but it wasnt enough for me. I kept makibg stuff up in my head and started to sabotage the relationship. I remember like yesterday the day we broke up. One of the last things she said to me was "Nomatter how hard i tried to show or how much I loved you, you never believed me". I regret my actions to this day.

 

So we broke up in June 2004. We had very minimal contact. She called me a few times and we talked on the phone for an hour or so but that was it. Well in Feb 2005 I got a card from her out the blue. Basically it said how great of a guy I was, that she knew how amazing I was when she met me but she is really relaizing it now, etc.... She wrote that she would call me but i never heard from her. Well fast forwrd to Sept, this year. I was sitting at home and my phone rang. It was her and to say the least I was floored. We talked and lughed for hours and then we hung up. I didnt think much of it at all. Well in the months of sept and october, we began to talk daily, several times. She would call me on her luncc breaks, call me to say goodnite. She would send me pics of her and her family, pics of us. She sent me gifts in the mail the whole nine yards. At times I thought it was too good to be true. I thought, "my god im getting a second chance". Things were just perfect!!! So time goes by and she says she wants to see me. I was very hesistand but I went anyways. I got on a plane and flew to see her. She was so excited that I was coming. Never once in the last two months did she make any indication that she wanted to be just friends or anything like that. Well the first two day were just great. We fell back into plave like we never missed a beat. We dont do anything physical but I wanted to take things slow. I swear that there was sparks and chemistry, but maybe i was wrong. It could have fooled me. Well by the third day my attitude changed. I relaized that I loved this girl more than anythng and it started to hurt being around her. Well the second from the last day I told her how I felt. She started to cry and just made me feel that I was wrong to expect anything to happen. It was like she did a complete 180 on me. So we talked, she cried, I cried it was good but bad at the sametime. So the next day I go home and it was four days and I didnt hear a word from her. Finally I call her and we talk. She tells me that she doesnt think we can spaek anymore. In a mean way she tells me that all our talking and me visiting was stupid and pointless and that it should have never happened. I tell her that "I know we are not meant to be together and that I dont love her anymore, that it was just old feelings coming to haunt me" Ofcourse this was all a lie because I love her so very much. It was like me defense mechanism. Then she tells me with a attitude "that I need to move on with me life, focus on my life, forget about her, and go find myself a goodgirl" . That was pretty much it. We finished talking and I havnt heard from her since.

 

Im sorry that this was so long but I just need to know why do exes do this. She came back into my life like a wild fire out of control. I was doing so well too. She never once made it seem that she wasnt interested. It just seems that once reality set in and i was getting on a plane to see her, she started to run for the hills. So i guess im just asking why you all here might thinkl she did this to me? There are so many little things she said to me that made me feel so good. She just made me feel that I was getting my second chance. I hate her for this but yet I still am so inlove with her too. Please i need some help understanding things!!!

[heloladies21]

She was just checking to see if you were still interested in her just in case she ever changes her mind, which she never will. It's pretty selfish and you should be mad at her for playing with you like that. And the break up wasn't your fault either. You acted the way you did because your doubts were based on the truth. If she was really serious about you she wouldn't have dumped you.

 

In any case, now you have your answer. If she calls, don't pick up. If she leaves a message, don't reply. If she manages to get a hold of you, discontinue the call. Put an X on her and do your best to move on because you deserve someone who will show you real love.

[7tInNC]

Only can touch on a piece of what you asked, as there seems to be more going on in this woman's head than you understand. And more going through your head than you were able to convey to her. Could each of you perhaps have been afraid of a committment at that time ?

 

If you love this woman as much as you say, then first be honest to her and yourself. Each of you seems to have been scared by the strong feelings you have. Perhaps some counseling would help you (and after you have had some help, someday you can tell her). For now seems best to give her space, try again to reignite a friendship. Then take it easy on each other for awhile!

 

But one thing: yes ex's can come back and become really good friends, and stay ONLY FRIENDS. This is a hard one for Martians to understand, I think. But I've read of it, seen it, and now experienced it. It may take years, it may never happen, but perhaps given time you can resume the friendship.

 

Best, 7tInNC

[7out102]

Helloladies21-

 

Thank you much for your reply my brother, I appreciate it. You are right i should be mad at her for playing me like this and I am. However the anger i have for some reason cannot top the love I still have for her. It is just so frustrating, you know? I mean I was doing so well in my life, moving on. I was not dating but I didnt miss her with the pain like I do right now. Its likes now she got what she wanted to know that I still love her and would do anything for her and I get stuck here being miserable. This girl went to the extremes to get me back in her life. I only touched based on some of the things she said to me when we were talking. All my friends and family thought that I was getting a second chance. Now im back to square one!!!!

 

7tinNc-

 

Thank you two for your reply. I wish that i knew if she had feelings for me or if she just used me for her own self-gratification. People have said that maybe she got dumped hard my some guy so she called me because she knew that I still loved her deeply. Then she gets me to come see her and all that crap. I hate to think that she did this but maybe so. I like to think that mayeb she got scared or maybe she just realized that she didnt want to do a LDR again. I dont know, I have no answers. All I know is that now she hasnt contacted me in almost a month. Like a fool i sent her a B-Day card and ofcourse I got no reply. Maybe she did get dumped and that guy came back in her life so she doesnt need me now. I dont know.

 

I mean is three weeks a long time that I havnt heard from her. I would sell my soul to the devil if i got a second chance with her, you know. I feel that she is great girl but maybe shes not. I have been think about going to some counseling too, we will have too see

[7out102]

Only can touch on a piece of what you asked, as there seems to be more going on in this woman's head than you understand. And more going through your head than you were able to convey to her. Could each of you perhaps have been afraid of a committment at that time ?

 

If you love this woman as much as you say, then first be honest to her and yourself. Each of you seems to have been scared by the strong feelings you have. Perhaps some counseling would help you (and after you have had some help, someday you can tell her). For now seems best to give her space, try again to reignite a friendship. Then take it easy on each other for awhile!

 

But one thing: yes ex's can come back and become really good friends, and stay ONLY FRIENDS. This is a hard one for Martians to understand, I think. But I've read of it, seen it, and now experienced it. It may take years, it may never happen, but perhaps given time you can resume the friendship.

 

 

 

7tinNc-

 

I know that I cannot be friends with her because I had a year or and a half apart from her and I still am so inlove with her. I just dont know what her intentions were. Its so jacked up. This girl was doing everything that you could imagine to make me think that she was interested again. For christ sakes she was even sending me sexy pics of her. Asking me "was i glad that we met and would I do it again" She called me one night to say that her horoscope said that she was to re-unite with a ex from the past. I mean she called to tell me that, c'mon!!! I am so hurt and yet so confused at the sametime. I dont know why she did what she did and I will probably never know. Why did she have to come back into my life? I like to think that maybe she did have strong feelings for me but once I told her how i felt it sure didnt seem that she felt the same. I mean she was so distant. She acted completely different from the girl that I talked to on the phone for 2 months. I cant do this anymore. She occupies my thoughts 24/7. I dream about her constantly now and then i walk up and i feel so crappy. If she was just leading me on then why do I deserve to be the one that is feeling so crappy. She didnt loose anything. Then theres me who got all his hopes up only to be crushed. I spent a good year of my life trying to get over her and know all the wounds have been ripped open. You said that i should be honest with her about how I really feel. My question is now she wants nothing to doo with me. She wont call and she ignores the few text messages I sent her. How do I tell her all of this. I know it probably wont make a difference whether she knows that I still love her or not. Obviously since she hasnt conatcted me should doesnt care about me.

 

Im sorry man im just venting. I had two great days and now im hurting terribly inside. I just need some answers. I just wish that thsi never happened. At what point do you say "maybe i need some professional help with this one". Im tired of thinking about her everyday. Im worried that i will never get over her and ruin my future relationships bc of this. It sucks man. I have lost all my pride and self respect over this girl. believe me man i have it set. Im 25, great looking guy, have a job that I make about 90 thousand, things should be perfect for me. Yet i feel so low. I feel that bc one girl hurt me, i cant move on. Its like im obsessed with her. I just need to move on and forget her again but I cant, Im stuck in limbo..

[lonelyfish]

Yes - I think you should have told her your true feelings!

[7out102]

Lonelyfish-

 

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it. I really need some help understanding things her. From a females point of view, what do you think was going on in her head. If you havnt read the whole post i will be more than happy to answer any questions you might have. I mean why can somebody do that to someone that was nothing but good to them in the past. Could she be confused? Could she have just used me to get through a tough time maybe she was going through?

 

Lonelyfish have you ever done this before or have any of your girlfriends done something like my ex did. If so what where there reasons. Im sitting here wondering but i should be moving on..I need some help..Thank you

[lonelyfish]

My only guess with your ex is maybe she felt again after visiting with her that you didn't seem that into her again and it felt wrong. Then when you lied to her afterwards it only confirmed that. Some girls, like myself are only interested in guys that can be truly committed. We don't want to played in the chance of getting hurt. When was the last time you talked to her? Maybe you should just fess up and admit to her your true feelings for her. A past ex broke up with me once and then we got back together. After a few months I sensed something was wrong and he wouldn't give me a commitment and then I in turn broke up with him.

[7out102]

Lonelyfish-

 

The last time that i talked to her was about three weeks ago. It wasnt a great conversation. Thats where she told me that all the talking and things we did was stupid and pointless. She seemed so upset with me. I guess I told her that we were not meant to be and that I didnt love her because I was afraid that if she didnt feel the same way that i would loose her as a friend. When I left her place and came back home I thought that things were going to be fine. After I talked were she cried which ofcourse made me cry I told her what an amazing girl she was and how much I missed her. Then she said that "why do i want to be in a relationship with someone that doesnt want to be in a relationship at all" Its so weird because she made it seem that she was so interested in me for the last two months. Part of me thinks that she got scared of a Long Distance Relationshi again. I dont know. I am so confused. Its like once I was finally getting on a plane to see her she kinda backed off a bit. I knew I should have never gone, then i would not be feeling like I am right now. A ex calling you out of the blue like she did is just so weird. i wish she would have told me that all she wanted was to be friends from the get go. If that was the case i would have never gone to see her. I mean this girl really did a number on me I guess. From the gifts, to the texts saying goodnite to the sexy pics of her, i just dont get it.

 

How do I go about telling her how I feel. She ignores the few texts I sent her. I sent her a B-day card and not even a Thank You or anything. Even if she did get dumped by someguy and that guy came back into her life, how hard is it to send a text back. Maybe that is what happened. Do i send her a text and ask her to call me, or maybe write her a final letter telling her that in two years i never stopped loving her. I dont knwo if she will ever contact me again, i mean its been three weeks. I knwo that nobody has the answers to what happened and their can be a million of them. I just wish I knew how she felt about me. Clearly it seems that she doesnt care for me bc of her actions and she just used me for some reason. Maybe im wrong though, just maybe its her way of deaing with it.

[lonelyfish]

Your in a tough situation. She's obviously confused by what you told her. Here's the thing. You could either let her be for some time and do N/C and see if she contacts you again. Or you can take the risk and send an email/letter telling her your true feelings for her. If you do this, admit that you were wrong and made a mistake. Either way, do what you think feels most comfortable for you.

[7out102]

Lonelyfish-

 

Thank you for your reply. I just dont know what to do with this. I think she knows deep down that I still love her, I hope she knows. Im afraid to write a email twlling her all that stuff but I guess it doesnt really matter. Let me ask you do i have anything to loose? Heres the thing. My ex lives three states away from me. We did a long distance relationship before and it didnt work. Its just too damm hard. She is young and I dont think is in a place to pick and move to me. Even if she wanted to, who knows if im ready for that. Thats a big step in my life to take. I know that at first it would be great to get back with her but i know in my heart that I could not do a LDR again, thats a fact. I dont know if you know anybody that has doen one but it is truly hard. So what do I do. I want her to know how I feel but at the sametime i cant be with her. Its been almost two years since we have been romantically involved and then she came back into my life. WHY? Its like know im back to missing her again. Maybe she will conatct me again, maybe not. Monday will be a month with NC, is that a longtime? This is a tough one. Im mad bc I really didnt loose anything in the long run but seeing her and sharing time with her just stirred up some old feelings..

 

If anybody else has suggestions I would apprecite it as well. I read through so many post and all you seem to have such great advice. I wish that I could give some help to others but im so lost and confused myself..Thanks for everything!!!

[lonelyfish]

Hi 7Out,

 

Boy, could I tell you about long distance relationships! Yes they are very hard but I think they can work out if both people really want it. I was involved in a long distance relationsip with my ex but on top of that he had a lot of baggage which made things worse. I understand how she contacting you could have stirred up some old feelings. LDR's can be frustrating so I totally know that you are worried about starting something again with your ex even though you may have feelings for her again. You don't want to risk it not working out again and resulting in you getting hurt. But if you have such strong feelings for her why not try to see if there's something there still? Take it very slow. That is what I would do if I was in your situation.

[7out102]

Lonelyfish-

 

Well im gald that you know what im going through. I just dont think that I can go through it again. Before she lived one state away so it was so much easier. I could see her all the time and seh could see me. Now i know that I would not be able to see her all that much. Most of all its too hard mentally on me. I love this girl to death and still to this day im inlove with her. However she had her chance to show me how she felt when I went to visit her but she didnt. Somebody earlier in this thread said that maybe she just wanted to see if you still loved her. Why would she want that? After all that time, why doe she even care. Let me ask you Lonelyfish, do you believe in fate. I dont hold onto this or keep a flame burning for her if you know what I mean, i just cant. Do you truly feel that if two people are suppose to be with each other then it will happen? Thanks again for all your support you have given me.

[lonelyfish]

Well maybe you should just try to get back on friendly terms with her, then you at least can keep your options open for whatever may be in the future. I believe you create your own fate. Your actions determine your own future, you cant' sit around and wait for your soulmate to come knocking on your door.