Struggling with fears of losing friendship with ex

[7tInNC]

My ex-fiance and I went our separate ways 22 years ago. The end of a 3 year relationship came after I reached for the brass ring and left the college town where we met and moved several hundred miles away. We met each other every month for 4 months, then after completing my graduate exams, she said that it wasn't going to work out. She was my best friend and the gateway to all we knew in that town, I realized many things I had done to kill the romance, but we still were best friends and vowed to stay in touch.

 

We kept in touch for a few years, invited each other to our respective weddings (hard to believe I attended hers, she just her regards), then I just stopped communicating with friends outside my own new marriage and went on to have two wonderful kids with the woman who is now my best friend and soulmate, and went on to have a pretty successful career.

 

Flash forward 21 years and my ex contacts me after seeing that I had posted photos of our whole family and the goings on in a web site. We talk and it is wonderful for a couple of weeks, gets rocky for a few months until both families plan to meet as a family at a runners reunion at the old college in the summer.

 

Friends and therapists give us advice, but basically agree there isn't anything so unusual about a man who is still a friend with his "ex". Much talking and e-mail ensue, the reunion goes wonderfully and everyone sees that my ex and I are still really good friends. Both spouses are reassured, the kids get along (both of us have two girls, similar ages).

 

Now the hard part - we've kept up the friendship, mainly by e-mail and cards with occasional phone calls for some holidays. But I am so fearful that I'll do or say something that will either cause my ex to stop communicating with us, or cause my wife or her husband to be hurt. Silly, perhaps, but I still have a lot of guilt for the initial breakup even after over 22 years.

 

And all because I want to keep in contact with this woman who is still such a special friend to me? Just the guilt of a conservative Christian upbringing ?

 

Thanks for your comments, 7t in NC

[Mun]

Always include your wife and her husband in the exchanges you have with your friend, this way no one feels left out or hurt. You really should let go of that guilt that's 22 years old. You've both moved on, no reason to feel guilty.

 

I do wonder why you are so afraid of saying the wrong thing and losing the friendship. You shouldn't walk on eggshells for someone because then it's no longer a healthy relationship. True friendship is give and take. Do your part and don't worry about what she might do. As long as you know you were a good friend to her you shouldn't worry.

[ratherbesailing]

After my mom passed away my dad started communicating with his old flame from high school. My dad is in his 70's. She even came up from another state with her husband and he showed them around his area. They write letters on occasion and every once in a while my dad writes something stupid and she doesn't respond for months but eventually he'll get another letter like nothing had happened. It seems to work for them.

 

I have an old crush from high school that lives locally. I love bumping into her but out of respect for her husband and my girlfriend I don't initiate any contact and I still feel guilty. On the other hand, I have a female friend that I never had romantic interest in that I stay in contact with even though my girlfriend would rather I didn't and I don't feel guilty about that at all.

 

If it seems like I am working toward a point, I'm not so sure that I am but here's my logic. If my old high school crush and I were single at the same time I'd be interested, so in that case, I'd feel too guilty to keep in deliberate contact. It would just seem disrespectful to my girlfriend and to her husband and I wouldn't want my girlfriend to do that to me.

 

The friend who has always just been a friend, will always be a friend and I believe my girlfriend has to accept that. If she had a close male friend that she hadn't been involved with, I would probably rather she didn't keep in contact, but I would accept it.

 

As a fellow conservative Christian we have to live by the do unto others as you would have them do unto you code. What exactly are your feelings for your ex and would you want your wife to be in contact with one of her ex's that she was involved with for three years? I would guess that the answer to those questions will locate the source of the guilty feelings.

[7tInNC]

Thank you for replies. Around the holidays the past two years, this feeling gets a bit stronger. My wife came in contact with an ex herself at a conference last year and the first time I was not thrilled (to say the least), but AFTER my ex was in contact with me I understood and supported her contact.

 

For years, this was shame I felt, not just guilt. Now I no longer feel shame, but do feel guilt. Silly, but my ex has never said "I forgive you" instead as we resumed a friendship, she has certainly treated me as though she has. I think for years I feared, and deep down still fear, that she hasn't forgiven me for the stupidity of my youth. Thankfully, my wife HAS forgiven me for occasional bouts of stupidity - and said so.

 

When we all met as families, our kids and our spouses were both pleasantly surprised to get along, taking the cue from my ex and I, I guess. Still see my ex as a wonderful, "kindred" spirit but both of us are still a bit tempermental where our spouses are the calmer, supportive types. The adults mused that it was interesting how some roles are reversed.

 

End of year holidays with my parents have been trying for many years, and as I don't have many really good friends, I was reliving what was a very painful time 22 years ago. We've moved on and come back to befriend one another when we both are in a better place.

 

Yes, time to give thanks. If my ex and I are truly still friends, we can forgive the unintentional foot-in-mouth or stupid comment. Just have to relax, continue to be honest to the members of both families and enjoy the sharing of mutual interests. Yes there is still love there, but the kind of love where a piece of me rejoices when the ones she loves, including her wonderful hubby, are doing well.

 

Best, 7tinNC