Warning signs ??

[TIGRONETTE]

So I've started getting hooked on the local internet dating site, and mostly it's going OK

 

I've got four guys on the go and they seem mostly into sex and not much else. Conversation is quite banal but fun nonetheless and I'll probably meet up with one or two in the week just to check them out.

 

The 5th one is the problem

 

we've only been writing each other letters for a week and a half and the conversation has already got to a really deep level. At first I was really sarcastic the whole time and he seemed hurt by that so it went into more of a soul bearing phase and christ, I've said stuff to this guy I wouldn't even say to some of my closest friends.

 

 

Should I stay on the case or get the hell out of there (too deep too quick) ??

[maynards_razorblade69]

Depends how you look at it really. If you're never going to meet the guy, or want his friendship on a purely platonic level, then there is no reason whatsoever to "get out" as you put it. If, however, you feel something more for him, then either ease up the conversation or don't talk anymore.

Even though it is only the internet, you can get hurt by what people say, so be careful what you do say to him because he could use it to get back at you at any point.

Another note...be careful when you meet these guys, take a friend with you!

[annie24]

What's in your profile? I've found that the way you craft your profile attracts the type of men you attract. If you say ANYTHING remotely related to sex, lust, affection, cuddles in your profile, or if you are wearing a low-cut blouse in your photo, you will get horn-dogs.

 

If you want to attract quality men, you should post a smiling headshot, and a light and breezy profile, saying that you like skiing and chinese food, etc....

 

If you don't like a guy, for any reason online, stop writing him! Trust your gut instinct!!!!

[Dregnought]

agreed with annie24 there - you WILL get people just after sex if you say those things. Having siad that - there is no reason why you cant date online (my gf and i are on oppisates of the world atm)

[TIGRONETTE]

I think you misunderstand my question

 

I originally chose to date online FOR SEX AND JUST FOR SEX, because it seems better to do it this way than get picked up by drunken idiots in bars

 

(why is it that no-one can comprehend this in a woman, we are in 2005 after all)

 

Thing is I never expected to get into any other territory with anyone using these sites. I never expected to have much in common with any of these guys let alone the weird kind of kinship that may be developing here, dunno, it's early stages yet. I'm wondering, should I count myself lucky or am I in danger of getting hurt if I carry on

(hasn't got to the point where we've discussed much else besides literature and sexual orientation so far).

 

I'd hate to be missing out on something potentially big but I'm a bit apprehensive too ( this could just be fear of giving away too much)

- don't want to get intoi a headfcuk situation

[annie24]

aaaahhhh.... ok. So your concern is that you are telling this man things that you wouldn't tell your best friend, and you've only been chatting for over one week.

 

In that case, I would just keep the conversations at a level where you feel comfortable. Online - people will say things that they would feel too uncomfortable saying to people in real life. eNotalone is basically like my journal.

 

If he asks you a bunch of questions, some of which are "soul-baring", others are "light" questions (ie, do you like tennis?), just answer the light questions, and ignore the soul-baring ones. I think he'll get the hint that you don't feel comfortable.

 

Another note: I've noticed this with some men on dating sites. Some men join sites, not to date, or to have sex or whatever, but more as an experiment. Some men just want to learn more about how women "tick" so they ask all sorts of questions for months on end, and never get around to asking you out. They are called "time-wasters."

 

happy hunting!

[TIGRONETTE]

Well I've met one of the just for sex ones already

 

so no, he didn't stand me up and he wasn't a perv either

 

but we had absolutely nothing in common, we're not even living on the same planet...

 

well we arranged to ring each other over the week end (I think he's realised I'm not that keen), so I've got a few days to decide what to do - ie to one night stand or not to one night stand

 

as for the 'soul baring' one, it's true that we have exactly the same sense of humour and I sense that we've got a hell of a lot in common

 

it's just that I've heard a lot about jerks on the internet who just want to get women hooked to take some kind of revenge out on the whole of the fairer sex, and I don't know if you've read my previous posts on other topics, but it's safe to say I'm a bit 'fragile' relationship wise and I don't want to break the little confidence I've worked so hard to get back

 

but then again, if you're scared of getting hurt you don't risk much

 

(and I really really didn't expect to be in this situation re internet dating)

[ShySoul]

Your orginal intent may have been just for sex, but I think you should reevaluate that now. You have found someone that you really do connect with. Naturally, that is going to be scary. You were not expecting it and it came out of the blue. So you should ask yourself, do you feel like you could give a relationship a go around? Or are you still only interested in having sex with random people?

 

I think that if you really feel you have something going with the one guy, its worth it to explore it further. If you are worried, take it slow. Don't rush into anything really serious. But meet up with him and see how it goes. Yes, there are guys who will trick you and use you. But there are other guys who are perfectly good people and will treat you well. You've already tried the just for sex guys, and found nothing there on a deeper level. Maybe it is time to take a chance on the guy with the deeper connection?

 

Take it slow. Be honest and upfront with him, and pay attention to how he treats you. His real intent is bound to show in his actions, the longer you know each other, the better you can tell who he really is. I sincerely hope he is a good guy who wouldn't hurt you. And you stand a better chance of him being that kind of guy then people who are specifically looking for sex.

[TIGRONETTE]

One week down the line, I think you may be right, and that my misgivings were basically a form of fear. I've never done this kind of thing before and always thought it was or losers, but, you know, recent circumstances etc etc etc

 

we're meeting on Monday (unless one of us has second thoughts) and he seems to be as scared as I am. Thing is, with the stuff he's said to me online (if neither of us are disappointed by this first ancouter of course), it really isn't going to be easy...

[annie24]

You know, if you have these doubts and misgivings, let them be your guide. I know that you signed on to meet men for sex, but there isn't anything wrong with getting to know them a bit first. I don't know what you have planned for monday, but maybe just meeting him for a cup of coffee to talk would be a good idea. There's no need to rush into things. And even if you are only looking for a 'bed-buddy' - it's good to get to know them first. If you are scared, don't hop into bed with him right away!

[ShySoul]

Agreed, don't rush things and hop into bed right away. It is ok to be scared and reluctant, meeting someone like this, especially when you do connect with the person really well, is a frightening thing. Take it slow and steady, get to know the person, and stay calm. I'm sure things will go well.

[Danny H]

I must ask this as a novice, does chemistry come into it, or does everyone psyche themselves up through email/msn and then just go for it anyway.

I have to ask because surely pictures can't give that subliminal stuff that meeting somebody gives.

Or do you guys meet, and if there is no chemistry you just part?

 

Anyway best of luck whichever way it's done

[Msnak]

About the "no chemistry" thing--I have NEVER felt instant attraction or chemistry to the three guys I liked the most. Two were completely off my radar for over 8 months to a year. So don't ddrop someone based on that.

 

Now, oddly, I've had chemistry over the phone. My college roommate had a guy who would call to talk to her until I started answering her phone. Then Mitch would call and talk to me and we'd have the most amazing conversations and flirt. We never met, interestingly but years later, he still asks about me.

[annie24]

How was your meeting with the man? Did everything go ok?