meeting up with the ex to get stuff back

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, I did end up getting the phone back from the ex. He also gave me back $100. Thursday night was a weird night in regards to my ex. I called him up on Thurs afternoon to tell him that I was still coming over. He was ok with it but he wasnt sure how we were going to meet. I called him while driving down to see when we could meet and where and he still hadnt decided. He then told me he would call me when he was ready (meaning when he got off work). I ended up going over to our mutual friend's house first and on my way there, I get a call from my ex's close friend Brian (he has known my ex since they were kids and he is also an alcoholic. In fact he is a worse alcoholic than my ex and he influences my ex to drink). Brian is at a bar and he is drunk as hell. He calls me to talk to me about the ex. He told me that he had called him ranting and raving about my demanding my phone back and my money back. Apparently my ex called his friend ranting about me demanding my money back and the phone back. He then told me that he worries about his friend/my ex and that he decided to call me to talk to me and see how I am doing and to ask me to have some compassion for my ex when it comes to getting my money back since it is the holidays. He was telling me that my ex doesnt have a lot of money, it is the holidays and he needs to buy gifts for his family and relatives, and then he mentioned my ex's new gf's name. When he mentioned that, I decided to ask him later on in the conversation, if my ex had a new gf. Apparently since he is drunk, he cant remember he mentioned the new gf's name to me. When I asked him if my ex had a new gf, he was like he wasnt sure, but maybe so, not sure. He is so full of it. Brian mainly called me to chat with me and to convince me to be nicer to my ex and not demand so much money from him because of the holidays. I think he was also fishing around for my ex to see if I was really moving away (I had told my ex on Tuesday that I was moving away by the end of the month). Brian talked to me about my move and about when I decided this, since it was so sudden. He also wanted to know where and when I was moving. He wanted to know if I had a job out there, etc. He told me that he lost his new job three days after he started it. We talked for a bit but I was annoyed at him so I didnt talk long.

 

After I got off the phone, I went over to the mutual friend's house, hung out with her and asked her to go out to dinner with me while waiting for my ex to call me back to set up a time. In the middle of dinner, my ex calls to talk to me. He seemed friendly and wanting to talk. We talked about what he had been doing, how his life was going. He basically told me that things were ok with him, he was trying to get his life together, paying off his bills, he was having problems with his boss and his job. He told me that Angel (our mutual friend) was angry with him and now wont talk to him or let her son talk to him. She is angry about his drinking and is associating his actions to me with her past life of when her bfs and family emotionally, physically and sexually abused her. In a way she has internalized his breakup with me as how her guys treated her and now she is projecting her anger for those guys onto him (even though he has been good friends with her for a long time and has always helped her out with things). My ex partly thinks I am a cause of this because I started to talk to her about our breakup and she has now taken up my cause is championing it (Problem is she is championing it and taken it upon her shoulders to protect me from my ex, which is NOT what I wanted. I had wanted her to help me get back together with my ex). He was ranting on the phone about her to me and he somewhat thinks I am the cause of this. Also he told me that she has a tendency to make friends and drop them at a drop of a hat. We talked for a bit. He was surprised that I am moving away and he told me that he never expected me to do that. He didnt want me to do that because he left me. We talked for a bit but my battery was running low so I told him that I could talk to him later. He told me that he was going over to this bar that we both know and that I could meet up with later.

 

I finished my dinner with our mutual friend and told her what was going. She also heard part of our conversation where he was talking nasty about her and she was pissed about it. She wanted to come with me to meet up with him but I told her that I wanted to do this alone. So, I dropped her off at a local bar close by and I went to meet up with my ex.

 

My ex was drinking at the bar and his friend Brian was there. Brian was very drunk and my ex was getting there. Brian was eggin him to drink. My ex looks different nowadays. He is growing out his hair it seems like. It makes him look older and a bit different. I always liked him with the shaved head look. My ex was ok at seeing me and we talked. I told him that I wanted my phone back and also part of my money because I needed the money to move. He was ok about it but then he told me that he didnt have a lot of money because of the holiday season and he needed to get gifts for his family. He was willing to give me back the phone.

 

Basically we talked about why I was moving away. I told him that I wanted to start my life again and move on from him because there were too many memories around of him in the city I lived in and in my apartment. I want something new. I wanted to forget about him. He asked me if I had taken the stuff down in my apartment that he gave me. I told him that I had taken some stuff down but that I still had most of his stuff. He told me that he still had the picture of us together in Las Vegas still up on his bookshelf. (that made me sad when he said that. Why would he still have it up, unless he is lying to me) He still has most of the stuff I gave him. He told me that he didnt want him breaking up with me to cause me to move away because he wanted me in his life somewhat. He was hoping to eventually hang out with me as friends. I dont know. He did mention to me about Angel and how angry he is with her for dissing him and causing her son not to talk to him. He says she has no right to be angry at him because he has never hurt her. He tells me that he is somewhat upset that she is angry at him for his breakup with me. He ranted about the situation with her for a long time. We talked for a long time about our relationship. I told him that I wanted to close to book on it since he wanst coming back and that I wanted to move on, henc the move. He told me that he didnt want me out of his life since he still cared about me. He says he doestn understand why he lost his feelings for me, he just did and it scared him but he doesnt know what to do now. He just doesnt. I told him that why should I stick around if there is no hope for the relationship. I dont want to do that. He told me that he wasnt sure what there was since he doesnt know. He wants to be friends but he doesnt know how to create more than that. He seems like he is upset and unhappy I am moving away. I dont know.

 

We talked for a long time. I could see that he still had some feelings for me by the way he looked at me. He was drinking enough and was getting drunk. His friend was toasted and I was bothered by all this. It all boils down to this, he is surprised that I am moving away. i dont think he wants me to move away and he didnt expect me to do this. I think he expected me stay around even though he broke up with me, and wait for him to come back to me. He would not admit to me that he has a new gf. I ended up confronting him on it and he told me that he wasnt sure yet, it was still in the beginning stages of the relationship. He wont admit that he has a new gf.

 

We talked about why I showed up at FurFest and why I wrote the email to his new gf's dad about the Halloween Party. The last time I saw the ex, he told me he was going to a halloween party and I had an idea who was giving the party. I also knew/had an idea that he was dating the daugher of the guy who had the party and I decided to email him about something with the party and to fish around for infor. When he didnt email me back, I knew my hunch was true. Apparently from the ex, he told me that these people thought I wanted to come to the party because we were getting back together. I told him that I never planned on coming to the party, all I wanted to do was fish for information.

He then got mad at me about me showing up at Fur Fest. He was like why did I show up, since it made things uncomfortable with him and he liked Fur Fest vs me who didnt like anything to do with that. He thinks Angel invited me there as a way of stirring up trouble with him. I told him that I came to talk to her because I was lonely, etc. We then had a discussion about whether it was right for me to show up at places that he was ex. He says normally people do not go to places that the ex was going to be at because of uncomfortability factor. We hash that out. I was like, why would he be afraid of me showing up because I kept out of his way.

 

We talked for quite awhile about stuff. There were times I cried and he hugged me and held me. I miss him so much and want him back. I told him that if there was no hope for getting him back then why should I stay and wait, hence I was moving on. He told me that staying for him was not a good idea, but then he wants to be friends with me and wants me to maybe hang out with him again as friends. He was so contradictory since in part of the conversation , he seemed upset that I was beign friends with some of his friends. He also told me the first time I saw him, that he didnt want to see me for a long time or want to be friedns with me as in like hanging out.

 

One of the last things he mentioned was that he was working till 3 PM next Sat and if I wanted to, we could hang out and help him finish his Christmas shopping and we could talk. He was drunk somewhat when he said that. He still managed to give me $100 of the moeny he owed me and he gave me back his phone.

 

What should I do? I am moving away at the end of Dec., but I miss him so much. I have a feeling he met up with me and is being nice to me so he doesnt have to pay me back the money. I dont know. His wanting to hang out with me next Sat makes me hopeful and sad. Seeing him was good, but made me still very attached to him. Sometimes, I wish I hadnt seen him because it brings up a lot of memories and makes me want him more. I know he is surprised that I am moving away in Dec. I didnt think he thought I woudl do something like that. He probably thought I woudl sit around waiting and pining for him, since he did that with all the gfs who dumped him.

 

He did mention that he dumped his first gf and he went after her and wanted her back, but she didnt want him back. This story was different than what he told me in the beginning. In the beginning, he told me that she dumped him and he watned her back.

 

I dont know waht to do. I want him back so bad and am wondering if the fact I am moving away and the fact that he doesnt wnat to pay me back, is causing him to be nice to me like this???

What you guys think?

[Dregnought]

I think he is just usign you hun. I remember about the SeaFest topic - hoe is had no right to act the way he did. I beleave that he just wants you there as backup. It could be because he didnt really know what he had lost, until now. But he had his chance, and now you are moving out. Enjoy your new life

[smallworld]

Ren, Thanks for keeping us posted. Although I'm sure he would be happy with lower monthly repayment options, I believe your Ex was being completely honest with you about how he feels. Whenever there's a breakup, the emotions don't just disappear. There will always be some sense of ambivalence and mixed feelings involved when we realize that someone we feel very strongly for isn't quite the right person for us. This is why he talks about wanting to be friends "someday" but doesn't want to spend time with you now.

 

If seeing him again hurts you and makes you want him more, then don't second guess yourself. Move to San Diego. I know you want him back, but he isn't giving you any signs that that's what he wants. If you think about it, you'll see that what prompted him to be this forthcoming was the realization that you were beginning to move on and that he was concerned about losing your "friendship." Could you be happy with just being friends? Are you willing to watch him date and fall in love with other girls knowing what you once had? (Ironically you'd end up with a very similar relationship to what you have with your best friend.) And do you think he could really withstand watching you do the same, after how he behaved at Furfest?

 

Waiting in Wisconsin sounds like much more pain than it's worth.

[renaissancewoman101]

Smallworld, part of me is also thinking that he might be being so nice to me because he doesnt want me to pay me back the rest of my money, hence having his friend Brian call me and talk to me about softening my resolve to get my money back. And yes, I think he is surprised about me moving away. I think he was always thinking I would be sitting there pining away for him. I am going to move on and move to San Diego. Part of me is also doing this in the hopes that he may come back to me one day, like meaning he sees that I AM moving out, then he will come back. If he did that, I would not know what to do.

 

I am surprised that he told me that he still has our picture up on his shelf. I wonder why since he has a new gf. But, he wont tell me that she is his gf. Why wont he do that since if he doesnt want anything relationship-wise with me, he could tell me he has a gf and I will move on.

 

As for seeing him, I am surprised that he mentioned about me coming down next Sat afternoon to hang with him. He told me that he has to work till 3 PM but that I could come down and we could hang out, talk and go Christmas shopping. I wonder if he really means it, or was he just pulling my leg. I am not sure if he really wants to be friends with me. Just last month he was saying it would take a long time before he could be friends with me. He tells me he doesnt wnat me to be friends with his friends, but then on the other hand he tells me that he didnt want me to move away because he wanted to hang out with me sometime later on as friends and then maybe I could be friends with some of his friends.

 

I dont understand the ex. I miss him a lot. I wonder if he misses me considering he has a new gf, although he tells me he has a new love interest. He seems like he doesnt want me to move on, why? If he has a new gf, then he should be happy I am moving on, considering he thought some of my actions like me showing up at FurFest and me emailing the guy, as stalker material.

[Hope75]

It does not sound like he is interested in getting back together. He has been consistantly saying that he doesn't want you to wait around and he doesn't want more than a friendship with you.

 

I'm sorry, I know this is hard for you.

 

why I wrote the email to his new gf's dad about the Halloween Party. The last time I saw the ex, he told me he was going to a halloween party and I had an idea who was giving the party. I also knew/had an idea that he was dating the daugher of the guy who had the party and I decided to email him about something with the party and to fish around for infor. When he didnt email me back, I knew my hunch was true. Apparently from the ex, he told me that these people thought I wanted to come to the party because we were getting back together. I told him that I never planned on coming to the party, all I wanted to do was fish for information.

 

I think reasons such as this are why you need to make this move to California and get on with your own life.

 

You are way too entangled with this guy and aside from not wanting to get back together with you, he is bad news!

 

You are an intelligent, professional women. You can do much better. Give yourself a chance and let this guy go. Make your move to CA, and develop a new life and new friendships. This move is going to be the best thing you have done for yourself in a long time.

[renaissancewoman101]

If he doesnt want to get back together with me, why wont he admit to me that he has a new gf? I told him that I would leave him alone if he had a new gf. I also want to know why he wants to hang with me next Sat? And finally, I want to know why he still has our picture still up on his bookshelf. He says he still does.

 

I want to hang with him next Sat because I do miss him. I am going to move away to San Diego at the end of the month. I went to see the new apt today and it looks real nice. Right now I am in LA for the weekend. Part of me is hoping that since he knows I am moving away, that he might make a bid for our relationship again, because as someone once said, people dont miss things or want things until the things are gone.

[Hope75]

Maybe he feels it isn't any of your business if he is dating someone new, or he knows that you are still carrying a torch for him and does not want to hurt your feelings. There could be any number of reasons that he doesn't want to talk with you about it, if it's even true. You are broken up, and what goes on in his romantic life isn't your affair anymore.

 

As for the picture, who knows? You were together for awhile, he probably still cares for you. What you need to pay attention to is that he has told you that he does not want you to hang around waiting for him, and that he does not want to get back with you.

 

I know that you are hurting, it's very difficult to get over someone. It takes time. There is a way to go about it though and I think you are setting yourself back and aren't moving forward with your life because you are so busy trying to figure out what's going on in his life, and hanging onto him when meanwhile he's already moving forward.

 

What about you? Your own life? Don't you want that?

 

It just seems so unhealthy that you are holding on so tight to someone who does not want to be held. You are forgetting about yourself and what you deserve. I'm worried about you.

[cristal]

Hope, my sentiments exactly! I have posted with similar responses. I too, believe that Ren is spending way too much time analyzing what is going on in the ex life and not enough focus on cultivating a healthy, happy lifestyle for herself. Nobody deserves that much attention and focus unless it is a two way street. I think that she should just forget about the stupid phone and the money owed to her and simply go into "NO CONTACT" mode all the way. It is the only way that she can ever heal.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, I do want my own life. It is not easy for me to move on from failed relationships, that is the reason why I am still good friends with my first ex. And, that is the reason why I dont date a lot. I am trying to get my own life, that is why I am moving out to San Diego. There I can develop a new life, a new career, and new friends, and maybe get a new bf. Today, I did one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long while. I went and gave my two week notice at my job. I have been at this job for seven years. That is a long time. I like where I work, but there is no challenge and no real chance to go anywhere. In a way, I am stagnating at my job, not learning anything new, and I am getting older. That is one of the reasons I decided to jump. I stayed there for this long because I was comfortable with working there and with the people I worked with.

As for the ex, I am not sure if he wants me to let him go. On one hand he says he doesnt want a relationship with me again and doesnt want me to wait for him, etc., then on the other hand, when I say I am moving away, now he tells me that he wants to be friends with me and wishes that what had happened did not cause me to move away. I dont think he wants me to move away and he is surprised that I am doing that. I thought he thought that I would always be there waiting for him.

I am afraid to move away and start over again. I have always been a fan of comfortability and I usually like to stay at places where the work environment is predictable. I have a hard time dealing with change, that is why I have stayed at my job for 7 years even though I havent learned much there or gone anywhere.

Right now, I am surprised that on Thursday night he brought up the possibility of me stopping by his work on Sat since he has to work till 3 PM and then we could go Christmas shopping and out to talk. That is something I have wanted to do with him for a long time, but for the longest time he has been so adverse with me so I never brought it up. The fact that he brought it up on Thursday night surprised the hell out of me. He was a bit buzzed at the time. I would love to be able to spend an afternoon with him on Sat and am wondering if I should call him about what he said on Thursday night. He told me that I could come down on Sat if I wanted to. I never gave him a definitive answer on Thurs night about it. Right now, part of me regrets taking the phone back from him. I feel bad that he doesnt have a way to talk to people. I also dont want to sound like the a*shole to him either.

 

I know I need to move on, but I am torn. I also have limited time out here. I am moving away by the end of Dec.

[chaos]

You have to stop this. It's over, you have to accept it! You are NEVER going to get over him if you can't cut all contact with him. Whatever he says, whatever he wants it's irrelevant. What matters is you and getting away from this loser. He's a LOSER! You are better off without him!!! The sooner you move the better.

[Hope75]

As for the ex, I am not sure if he wants me to let him go. On one hand he says he doesnt want a relationship with me again and doesnt want me to wait for him, etc., then on the other hand, when I say I am moving away, now he tells me that he wants to be friends with me and wishes that what had happened did not cause me to move away.

Ren,

 

I think you are reading too much into this. I know that you are hopeful, but he has told you clearly that he does not want to have a relationship again with you. Him telling you he wishes what happened would not make you move away does not mean he wants to get back together. Don't you think he has been very clear about that?

 

I think more of what's going here is that you don't want to let him go... but it's interrupting your life and it's very unhealthy.

 

In order for a relationship to work, two people both need to want to work at it together, and to be on the same page. In this instance you are the ex are clearly not on the same page.

 

Your move is a step in the right direction.

 

It is not easy for most people to move on from failed relationships. Being friends with your other ex is fine, and if your present ex wanted that, once time passed and your romantic feelings faded away, that would be fine too. Right now, it would not be a platonic friendship, as you have with your other ex, who has moved on and is in fact gay, and you not only accept that but support his choice and are not hurt or jealous that he moved on.

 

The difference here is that you want something more than friendship from your recent ex, and he has made it quite clear that he does not.

 

Don't you owe it to your self respect and dignity to accept that and get on with your life?

[renaissancewoman101]

My move is coming along. I called the movers yesterday and set up a date for next Wed for them to come in and take a look at what needs to be moved and then write up an estimate for me. I am in the process of setting up the utilities for my new apartment, changing over insurance and all that. There is no turning back now since I have given notice both at my current job and at my apartment.

 

I called the ex today to see what he wanted to do about Sat, since he brought up the subject of hanging out on Sat afternoon after he gets off work so we can go Christmas shopping. Now he is hemming and hawing about getting together because his gf's dad wants him to help him out with putting up Christmas decorations. My ex then went on a complaining tirade about why he has to help out with the dad, etc. I dont know why he is complaining to me about her family. He wanted to be with her, then he has to accept her family. (I am starting to get this impression that he likes to complain a lot. He complains about his own parents wanting him to do stuff, and from talking to Angel, he used to complain about me and the stuff I liked to do). I guess my ex likes to complain a lot. I told him that if he didnt want to get together, I was fine with that. He was like, "no I want to get together, I just dont know what to do". I then told him this, for now the plan is we get together on Sat after he gets off work. If anything changes, he can call me and let me know. That way the ball is in his court about what he wants to do.

 

I dont care anymore. If he wants to get together fine! If not, fine!

 

After I move away, the book will be closed on this subject because he doesnt really have a way to get in touch with me, and vice versa. He told me that he is getting his own cell phone sometime in Jan.

[Hope75]

Ren,

 

I think you should have let him call you IF he wanted to get together. If you didn't care if he wanted to see you or not, you would not have called, right?

 

Hang in there, be strong, it's only a couple more weeks, and you will be gone and able to start fresh, and hopefully, let your ex get on with his life and do the same for yourself.

[renaissancewoman101]

He was the one who brought up getting together this Sat. He brought it up last Thursday when I saw him at the bar. I just called him to confirm plans. I am always like that. I did that when I was dating him too.

 

I was bad too. I offered to give him back the phone because I felt bad for him and sorry for him, but now he doesnt want the phone back. He says he is going to get one on his own in January.

 

I know I am doing this wrong. I want to sound strong and like I am moving away from him, which I am in the physical sense, but this was also a bit of game playing where I am hoping he comes back to me when he sees that I am leaving.

 

Why cant I be like the way I was the last few months of the relationship, when I didnt care to hang with him and I treated him badly, since that was the time when he really began to chase me and want me badly, but then I didnt want him and didnt care. I wish I could get back to that stage of feeling like that, because if I felt like that now, it could bring him back or else I just wouldnt care.

 

I am very mad at myself for losing out on this whole situation. I know I constantly rehash all this. I just cant stand the fact that he dumped me considering he never dumps girls, girls always dump him. I feel like such a loser.

[smallworld]

Ren, If you have to play games to get someone back, what games will you have to play to keep them???

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so down on yourself, but again you're no less of a person because you've been dumped by someone who normally is dumped by others. The point isn't who dumped who, but why... and the why was because you both weren't fulfilling each other's core needs and because at one time or another you both really hurt each other deeply.

 

I know it's hard to let go because with the bad there was a lot of good in your relationship, but honestly love isn't supposed to be this hard. Like Hope said, both people have to want to work things out. Now that he's told you that he doesn't want a relationship, I think the wise thing is for you to move on knowing that you've done all that you can to try and mend this relationship. If he really wants to reconcile, he knows how to find you through friends.

 

As for him "complaining" a lot, I agree with you. From an outsider's point of view, it seems convenient for him to see himself as the "victim" in all his relationships, so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. For example: It's easier to blame his gf's family for him being roped into Xmas decorating, than it is to say "I'm not sure I want to hang out or not with you." If you look back on your relationship, I'm sure you'll be able to recall many similar instances.

[renaissancewoman101]

Smallworld, I know I need to move on. It is just hard for me to move on because I still do have feelings for him. Right now, part of me is still hoping he will get together with me on Sat afternoon. As of now, we are getting together unless he calls me to cancel.

 

Moving away will help because then it will give me a new lease on life and I will have things to look forward to, etc.

 

I just wish that my feelings for him now could be my feelings about 6 months ago. I wish I felt the way I felt then, now, because it would help me get over him. Six months ago, I couldnt stand to be around him and I ignored him and shoved him off on his friends. As a result he began to chase me more and try to work things out with me. He really wanted to work things out at that time when I just didnt care.

 

Now that I care, he wants out.

 

I also wished that when we were having problems I should have sought out the help of our mutual friend because I think she could have helped us men our relationship and helped me understand why I lost my feelings for him and helped me to work on regaining those feelings, for I did wonder how to regain the feelings but I didnt know how.

 

Too many what if's floating about.

 

I wish I did not sound like a broken record.

[smallworld]

Ren honey, it's ok not to want to move on. These things take time. And honestly you will not be ready to let go until you're ready to accept the idea that things have changed and you can live happily ever after without him. The reason why we're advising you to move on is because we can see how much it is hurting you to hold onto something that isn't likely you to bring you happiness in the long run EVEN if he were to change his mind. If you disagree, that's absolutely your right.

 

Maybe your counselor friend could have helped you both, but there's no sense in torturing yourself with what might have been. You've done everything you can right? You've said all that there is to say? If you truly believe that you can't leave without saying anything more, try again, but this time once you've stated your case, for your own sake let it go... Again if he wants to reconcile, the ball is in his court.

[Lil Punkin]

Ren...

 

This is a case of "don't know what you've got till it's gone". You wiah you felt the way you felt 6 months ago...because YOU were calling the shots. Think about it....even if he came begging and groveling, could you HONESTLY say you'd want him back?? To ME it sounds as if you are only wanting him so you can reject him again, rather than you be the one dumped. So what if he's never dumped anyone before? The fact is..you treated him like crap 6 months ago..and he had a legitimate reason for dumping you..IMO.

[renaissancewoman101]

Lil Punkin, if he came back to beg for me back, I would take him back in a heartbeat and I WOULD not dump him again. I would try to work it out with him with a neutral party why I lost my feelings for him and did what I did to him. I also NEVER dump anybody. That is not my style.

 

And, yes, he did have a legit reason for dumping me. I never said he didnt. I just am craving another chance at a relationship with him.

 

If I got him back now, I would abandon all plans of moving to CA and I would work on reestablishing this relationship

 

But, the irony of the whole thing is, in order to maybe EVER get him back, I have to move on with my life and he has to see that I have moved on with my life. Only then will he possibly come back to me.

 

Yes, I do have obsessive tendencies when it comes to relationships, that is why I dont like getting into a relationship for I am afraid of being dumped.

[Hope75]

I'm not sure if you are "proud" of never dumping anyone?

 

Ren, it's OK to break up with someone if they aren't fulfilling your needs and if you are unhappy in the relationship. It shows that you are a strong woman who looks out for herself and does not settle for less then she deserves.

 

You are here, ready to throw away your chance at a new life, a new apt., everything, on a guy who seemingly couldn't care less and doesn't want to get back together with you and has told you clearly. Are you looking out for yourself? Do you see how one-sided this all is?

 

Don't move on with your life in order to get him to come back. In all reality, he may not ever be coming back. You are the one who will live with the consequences of what you do. I hope that you will be doing this for YOU and NOT a some sort of game or trick to try and get him to come back. If he wanted to come back, he would-- regardless of if you were staying here or moving away.

 

You deserve someone who wants you back and who loves you and cares for you as much as you care for them. This guy just isn't that person, at least not anymore.

 

It's OK to feel weak and miss him, but sometimes we have to force ourselves to move forward and smile and think of ourselves first... until that comes naturally. Remember, you are the only one looking out for you, no one else is. If you don't take care of you, no one does.

 

Even IF he DID want to come back... this is a guy who does not care to work a decent job... who hangs out with 16 year old guys, drinks, smokes pot, and generally acts like a teenager himself. Given who you are, don't you think that's a little mismatched? I know you like to feel control and maybe having a man like this makes you feel empowered because you get to call the shots and "take care" of him like a son, but that is NOT a healthy or normal way to function in a relationship. You need to be on equal ground with your partner. Not paying his bills, loaning him money, driving him around, working hard while he acts like a bum and plays video games with his teenage friends.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hope75, I dont want to say that I am "proud" of never dumping anyone. I just dont like to dump people because I know what it is like to be rejected by someone you cared about. That is one reason why I stuck with my ex. He has always been the one dumped by the women so he has always told me he knows what it feels like to be the dumpee that is why he always gives his relationships a lot of chances and he tries to treat the woman decently and honestly and kindly. I always thought that if he was always being dumped he would not dump in return. I unfortuanetly had to be the first person he "dumped". Me, I wont dump someone. I may pull a disappearing trick on someone and I have done that before. Before I met my ex, I was dating someone who was much older than me but who was in the Ren Faire circles and I dated him so I could meet new people. I ended up meeting my current ex through him. When I met my ex, I kind of pulled the disappearing trick on the other person. I know it wasnt a good thing to do and the other guy was kinda mad at me for a while, esp since I did see him at Ren Faire every so often.

 

I am excited about moving on with my life. I finally sent off the lease papers and I sent the check for the rest of the month rent, and now I established electric service at the new place. I am in the midst of finding movers to move me out there, packing stuff away, and doing other things. It is exciting to move but also very scary because I have lived out here for 15 years, and worked at my job for 7. It is scary to give this all up to go out there into the unknown. ANd I dont have a job out there waiting for me. I am just going to jump and see.

 

Right now, unless he calls me tomorrow to change plans, the ex is going to hang out with me on Sat afternoon after he gets off work. He wants to go Christmas shopping with me, which is good since it will be nice to hang with him on friendly terms. Also, he can get more done if I drive him around. I hope he really will hang with me.

 

I have a hard time being on equal terms with a SO. I have a caretaker mentality so I like to take care of people. It also gives me a sense of control. I think a lot of this comes from my low self-esteem. I know my ex is not good for me because we are not compatible, but I do miss him a lot and it is hard to let go of something that is familiar and move onto the unknown.

[Mun]

Hi Ren,

I wonder a couple of things here, do you think he is coming shopping with you because he wants to be in your company or because he knows you will drive him around wherever he wants to go without complaining or asking anything of him? I mean, I'm sure you're alot of fun, but gas is expensive.

 

What will you do if on that shopping trip he buys his new gf a gift? Can you handle that? I know I'm not that nice and so I couldn't do it.

 

I'm going to give you a little warning here--based on things I've seen before. If you always take the caretaker role in your relationships you will attract (most of the time)

 

a) unemployed men who will borrow money from you

 

b) really exciting guys who will call you up in the middle of night to come bail them out of jail

 

c) guys who would rather play Xbox than take you out on a nice date

 

d) guys who will find a girlfriend (while still dating you) who they will spend money on ---when they never spent a dime on you

 

e) guys who expect you to pay their way through college and when they have that degree will dump you for someone else...etc..,etc..

 

I really hope this never happens to you, but it tends to happen to women who play mommy to men instead of being their equal partner.

 

Becareful out there.

[renaissancewoman101]

I do think he likes my company and he wants to go out with me because I am moving away in a few weeks. I also think he wants to go shopping with me because I can drive him around. He doesnt drive at all, so for most of our relationship I carted him around and picked him up, which I didnt mind.

 

If he bought his new gf a gift while going shopping with me, I would be a bit ticked. But then, I dont think he would do that with me. He has a sense of decency, in terms of not sharing about his new gf with me. He still wont admit that he HAS a new gf. Why, I dont know since I already knew about it from our mutual friend and from some pics of him and his new gf, online.

 

From what you listed below, he never really was any of those things. We were just two different people. Yes, he loved to play computer games and Magic and all that, but then he would also take me on romantic dates and get me nice romantic gifts, or just flowers out of the blue. He was one of the most romantic, passionate, affectionate guys that I ever dated. He spent money on me by taking me out to eat and buying me things, although I took him on trips and paid for some nice things for him, but then I make more than he does. This past Christmas, he got me a heart shaped pendant with diamonds in it. I had my brother build him a PC. As for finding a gf, he officially broke it off with me before he actually WENT and found a gf. That I know from phone records and such.

 

He tells me that he wants to find someone to be equal partners with him in a relationship and who enjoys the same things as he does. Well, if you look at his past relationships, what he says is NOT what he does. All of the girls he has ever dated, with the exception of me, have been very young and in worse position than he (meaning they didnt have jobs, lived at home, etc). He likes to date young women and "rescue" them by giving them a life that they never had, on his meager salary. Like me, he is a rescuer and likes to rescue women and make them feel needed by him so they can need him in their lives. I was the first woman he ever dated that was the same age as him, that was doing A LOT better than he was, etc. His parents liked me a lot and actively encouraged the relationship because they thought I could make him grow up and mature.

 

Right now, I still "caretake" my best friend who moved out to CA a month ago. He still calls me up on a daily basis asking me to help him out with things.

[Mun]

So you're saying those women were not his "equals" because he wanted them to need him, but you are because you make a better living than him and are more mature ? To me it sounds like he went from one end of the spectrum to the other, but then, I'm just going on what you are saying--I don't know either of you.

 

I remember dating this one guy and I couldn't figure out why if he thought I was so great our relationship just wasn't happening. Then I paid attention to the type of women he would usually fall for--they were all very high-maintenance type girls.... nothing like me. What an eye opener that was...

 

Hint: Don't pay attention to what people say, look closely at what they DO--that's what tells the real truth.

 

Question, how did he treat these girls? Do you know if the fact that he could do things for them made him more interested in them? Or did he resent it? Who ended those relationships?

[Hope75]

Me, I wont dump someone. I may pull a disappearing trick on someone and I have done that before. Before I met my ex, I was dating someone who was much older than me but who was in the Ren Faire circles and I dated him so I could meet new people. I ended up meeting my current ex through him. When I met my ex, I kind of pulled the disappearing trick on the other person. I know it wasnt a good thing to do and the other guy was kinda mad at me for a while, esp since I did see him at Ren Faire every so often.

Ren,

 

This IS dumping, just in a cruel and unconfrontational way. Do you honestly think this is less hurtful to someone's feelings than saying "it's just not working for me?" At least in the latter case you are being honest and respectful, and truthful. In your example you leave the poor guy hanging, wondering what happened. It's way more hurtful that way.

 

I have a hard time being on equal terms with a SO. I have a caretaker mentality so I like to take care of people. It also gives me a sense of control.

This is not how to govern a healthy and normal relationship. No one partner should be able to exert control and superiority over the other.... it's fine to care ABOUT your partner and want what's best for them, it's a total other thing to exert control and do everything for them. You realize that you enabled your ex to continue to act like a child because you drove him around, bought him nice things, and took him places.

 

Wouldn't that get old, say if you wanted children and you need TWO parents to care for and discipline them, not you doing everything for everyone?