rambling

[donut]

first day of NC with my ex boyfriend. well....sort of. i sent him text messages, and he didnt' write back (i wasn't expecting him to.......so this is no disappointment or surprise......i broke up with him but only because i had to....)

 

i was just out for drinks (i had seltzer since i dont drink) with two coworkers and another girl we used to work with. i was sort of dreading going....because something thats worse than feeling lonely alone is feeling lonely in a group ahd haivng to fake like you're feeling just fine.........but at first it was fun..all sitting around laughing and joking and whatever. but all of them have serious boyfriends and they started talking about them and it was making me SICK......liike, so lonely i thought i was going to die. i sat ther and made jokes and gave advice and did all the tings that i was supposed to do....but it mademe feel like the loneliest person in the entire world. not even that i was JEALOUS....because mostly thye were COMPLAINING about their boyfriends...it just made me miss my ex SO much.....

 

i sent him a text message begging him to call me but i didnt call him........and then i called my mom and when she didnt pick up i called my dad (im 26 and this has turned me into a f-ing 13 year old)......

 

i have friends...but talking to them doenst make me feel any less lonely....talking to my familiy doesn't help either (although i dont feel like ther are a lot of people i can call about this anymore).....the ONLY thing tha tmakes me fel better is talkinng to my ex

 

i keep fantasizing about going over ot his house and letting myself in with his keys. ive been thinking about doing this for months (we broke up at the beginning of september) but have only resisted because i know this is "crazy" and taht if i do this i'll be ruining any chance of us maybe getting ot be friends later..........

 

i feel alittle bit better now but earlier i really felt like i could not take a second more of this. also, i think i was hungry.

[melrich]

Why did you break up with him donut?

[emma34]

live through this - and you won't look back.

 

 

You did the right thing coming here - rambling is therapeutic, isn't it?

[donut]

the short version is that things were incredibly hard from the very beginning.......we're both really similar in some ways (both suffer from lots of anxiety and depression....obsessiveness...etc)....so we connect REALLY well, but dont balance each other at all......he was super super super jealous and in the beginning of our relatinsihp i even agred to stop talking to certain friends of mine (one in particular id dated for 3 months when we first met FIVE YEARS ago....but we have been friends since then....friends far far longer than we ever were Together)......things got really controlling and weird .....he was addicted to prescription drugs and would spend the entire weekend sleeping........i got really depressed arond march and he was always mad at me about it...saying i was depressed because i didnt like him enough and other things........in july i moved out of our apartment (i moved in with him only a few weeks after we met)......we were going ot try and stay together but ended up breaking up (for a complicated reason involving a trip which will take too long to explain....but if you're interested or curious i wrote all about it in my first post entitled something like "introducing myself and whining)....(im oly listing the bad stuff because the bad stuff is why we're not together....the good stuff i could list TONS about...he's the smartest, funniest, most interesting person ive ever met.....he was incredibly loving and sweet much of the time.........) the problems were things that we were working on...he was going to a 12 step program and hasnt' takne anything in 3 motnhs at this point.......but despite the fact that things seeme dlike they were getting better, when i broke up with him it felt in my gut lik eth eright thing to do....since we've broken up ive spent tons and tons and tons of time obsesing a bout whether or not that was a mistake.....and the answer is, i still dont know. could we have tried harder? shoudl we have gone to therapy? etc etc? etc etc etc? the thing is, deep in my gut i feel like us being apart is the Right Thing (we've talked a few itmes about getting back togehter and it always makes me feel sick in my stomach)......i keep hoping that maybe in a few months we'll have grown and changed some and will be able to get back togehter.....

 

the main thing i dont like about him (which ive told him) is that he has really low self esteem ...and it seems like all the other things are connected to that......his jealousy, insecurity, posessiveness......and when he's feeling jealous or threatened or insecure he gets really really really really mean....

 

during our last conversation i told him that deep in my gut i just didnt feel like we should be togehter and i loved him and missed him so much and i would love more than anything in the world to talk to him every single day and get to see hi mand i hvae no interest in anyone else.....

 

and he said "well i tihnk you're just afraid of commitment....call me when you aren't" or something like that. and then he hung up.

 

(im 26 and he's 33 and during our entire relationship he's always said that im just a messed up kid and that im too confused to have any idea what i want)

 

i realize that anyone reading this post would probably get the wrong idea about him...i mena, all the stuff i said is true.......but the picture this creates is not at all the full picture...............

[donut]

rambling definitely IS theraputic. although iit makes me feel a little emarrassed that other people are reading this....but also better in a way

[melrich]

when i broke up with him it felt in my gut lik eth eright thing to do

 

And it probably was. These feelings are rarely wrong.

[emma34]

I'll tell you one thing you probably already know - that gut feeling is pretty much always ALWAYS right...it's never failed me.

[donut]

thats what i keep trying to tell myself. but i am super super super obsessive....so then i always start questioning myself like "well is this REALLY a gut feeling? or is it sometihng else? and what if my gut feeling is based on ME being messed up.......and what if i would have had a DIFFERENT gut feeling if only id stuck it out a little longer.....stuff like that. and then i just go aournd and around in circles forever and drive myself totaly nuts.

 

but speaking of guts.....my therapist was telling me about how scientists have recently ( a few years ago)....discovered a biological reason for gut feelings......that we actually have something like a Second Brain in our stomachs and that intestinal cells resemble brain cells more than any other cells in the body.....

 

here's alink that i like thats about gut feelings...its pretty interesting.... link removed

[donut]

and here's another one

 

link removed

 

i actually went to the bookstore and looked up this book...but it wasn't something i really felt like reading. oh well.

[emma34]

I dated a guy for two and a half years and broke up with him on a gut feeling. Brains are messed up...like I would constantly think that my own happiness with myself was affecting the relationship b/c even after we broke up I was still unhappy. But after that faded, i thank goodness I didn't go back. After a million doubts and struggles with myself - but everytime after I DIDNT call him, I knew that I did the right thing and it was like a tiny little success for me making it through one more breakdown. These things will come again over and over, but eventually, time will tell.

[donut]

oh my gosh i know just what you mean!!! i am so unhappy now (ive been on and off depressed for most of my life)...i keep thinking ..."well maybe im just an unhappy person and ill NEVER be happy....so i might as well be unhappy with him!".....but i think this is probably just me rationalizing why i shoudl go back to him so i dont have to go through this now......

 

and then i keep worrying...whta if i wake up one morning and suddenly realize that my "gut feeling" was actually just me being crazy......

[emma34]

If it's any solace for you...think for a moment, say you go back with him, and your initially feeling a bit better cause you get to be in a comfortable presense like his, and then after awhile you realize that you didn't do the right thing...and guess what.....you have to do this all over again. thats where the gut feeling comes in and fights for your emotional survival! lol. I did the same thing in my bad break up, I mean...its hard, but try to rationalize the other way. like realizing that if it was so good than your partner should have made you feel so secure and loved, that essentially any "crazy" thought like ending it would be battled by his support and encouragement and blah blah and it would all have been okay, but in this case its not okay...basically has to do with the whole balance thing. you know what i mean.