Saw the Ex Again and Now I'm Movin' On

[gm38]

Last week I posted my first message here describing the pain caused by the recent end of my 1.5 year relationship with my g/f (it was mostly a mutual decision). I was completely devastated -- couldn't eat, couldn't work, couldn't sleep, couldn't even put a complete thought together. I have never experienced anything like it. It felt like I was dying from the inside out.

 

I've read a lot of advice -- both here and elsewhere -- strongly recommending that one needs to make a "clean break" and should go "cold turkey" by not seeing the ex. That only until the break was completely made could one move on to the next stage of recovery. Others recommended seeing the ex if it felt right to do so.

 

Well, I spent some time with the ex over the last 2 days, both in person and by telephone. What a blessing that turned out to be. It completely reinforced the fact that I had done the right thing by agreeing to split up. Don't get me wrong, at times during our visit I wanted to wrap my arms around her, hold her tight, and never let her go. But the more time we spent together, the more obvious it became that we had significant issues in our relationship that simply could not be reconciled. I am sensitive; she is often insensitive. I craved emotional connection; she ran from it. I was committed to working out our problems; she always wanted to run. I am NOT saying that I was right and she was wrong. We were just different, incompatible. So much so that minor differences would turn into painful melodramas. These were things I had been trying to deal with and reconcile for more than a year, but they were not so bad that I was willing to end a relationship with someone I really, truly loved and respected.

 

Well, after making the decision to break up last week and spending some time apart (miserable as it was), and then spending a little time with her over the past couple of days, I now feel completely differently. Those brief post-split encounters reinforced all of the pain that I had felt over the past year and reaffirmed that the frustrations and pain I had been experiencing due to our differences were real and they were significant. Somehow, I was able to see those differences so much more clearly after just a little time apart. The result is that I now feel empowered to get through the emotional trauma caused by the end of our relationship. I can't sleep right now because I feel so much adrenaline about my decision and my desire to move on with my life. I know that I will continue to struggle with the loss of our relationship, but at least now I have confidence in my decision and I know I am doing the right thing for me.

 

Sorry for the long post. But I hope the positive impact of my "re-visit" experience will help others who are struggling with the immense pain of a failed relationship. If interactions with your ex consistently left you feeling hurt or empty inside, you might want to think about exposing yourself to that again to reinforce the decision to be apart. Clearly, it won't work for everyone, but it sure helped me.

 

Good luck.

[Tolly]

I am very pleased for you. I am in a very similar situation, only I still find it hard to let go completely. I am seeing someone else and moving on, but a bit of me still wants her to come back.

 

Congratulations on your imminent recovery and rehabilitation

[cruisin]

Dear gm38,

 

I'm happy to hear things worked well for you and that meeting your ex helped. That was really thoughtful of you to write all that up in the hopes that it could help some of us and I for one think it does.

 

I just saw the ex and didn't want to even look at him but I think really it may be the only way to get over things. I ran from discussing things. Well, actually, the timing was awful and he was already on his at least third or fourth beer. Email and phones don't give you a good feeling, an accurate feeling. Problem with me is he's too far away to meet. But maybe I should just say, ok, let's not talk and correspond until we have another chance to meet again and talk things over. If he doesn't agree to that then I can be free of him anyhow.

 

Really, thanks a lot for your long post. I love long posts. Good luck!