cinderella jones Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Last night my boyfriend was suppose to drive down and see me...we had plans to have dinner and drinks...I decided to leave my job early that day just so we could spend some more time together..and also because I was just so looking forward to seeing him...that I wanted to treat him to a nice dinner......however, at the end of the work day he IM's me to tell me that he changed his mind and is not coming...that he would come the next day. In cases like this I usually don't get upset because I understand that things happen...but what I have noticed is that it seems to be a pattern with him....He has a tendency to say that he wants to see me only to then cancel at last minute and re-schedule. He even changes is mind a lot when making the siplest decisions in his life....Anyway he is a consultant..so I get that he can get busy ....but it seems to me that I am easily moved around in his schedule and I don't like the way that fmakes me feel. For one thing I think his actions are selfish because he assumes that I can revolve around his schedule....secondly he doesn't even feel bad when he cancels on me...he acts like its never a big deal....thirdly his reasons are never valid....for example: he works from home...and had all day to do any major work he needed to get done....at one point his best friend popped in on him and instead of working he hung out with him all day and played video games with him..This is what he told me when he canceled on me last minute...because he basically said "looks like I can't go to see you...I guess I'll see you tomorrow"....when he said this to me ..and like I said he has done this before...I felt angry..only because he was so non-chalant about it....when I confronted him about this issue...all he said was..."if that is how you see things....then I don't know what you want me to say"....it hurts me to know that he speaks to me in this manner acting as if I am one of those crazy girlfriends who are just complainers..but the truth is...I am an awesome girlfriend who gives him a lot of space...but when he treats me like this...I can't help but think he is not truly in love with me...the way he claimed when we first got together....I am not sure what to do about this..I really love this guy.. its only been 6 months....and already he is treating me like I have been with him for years....I feel so ignored...and sad....How do I handle this? Link to comment
kellbell Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Hi there Cinderella! Long time no see. Well, I guess if were in your situation I would put your foot down and get assertive. I would tell him, "look, this is how I see it..." "this is how it makes me feel..." Use the I statements instead of you statements because the you statements will make him defensive and he probably won't listen. He needs to realize how this affects you and how this makes you feel. Then I would I stop being so giving and put him on ice for awhile. Try to do other things like hang out with your friends, work out, clean, whatever. You don't want to lose yourself in this relationship. Is this the same guy with money troubles? Link to comment
cinderella jones Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 Hey Kellbell....thanks for the advice..I can always count on you to lift me up....yes this is the same guy..his finance have gotten better and our relationship is going really well...until this all fo tis started happening..I am trying to explain myself to him and my feelings...but he responds to me telling me he feels hurt by my words....I am confused about that statement since I am the one who has a problem with his giving me non chalant reactions....he acts as if I am a burden or nussance...and I am clearly not...if anything I am the complete oppositie always giving him his space....so I don't get why he thinks this is ok to act this way with me.... Link to comment
Bethany Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Don't be available next time he cancels. If he thinks he can just change his mind and mess you about, then prove him wrong and show him that you do have a social life and are quite willing to live it, with or without him. Might get him to buck up his ideas next time he can't be bothered. Link to comment
Mun Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 I would have told him " I'm sorry I already have plans for tomorrow" and not seen him (when it was convenient for him)--and not work my schedule around him, especially this is becoming a pattern. He is basically taking you for granted, don't let him. Don't be available each and every time at his convenience, you have things to do too and he needs to respect that if he makes plans with you he must keep them---or else he doesn't get to see you. He will learn, you just have to show him how. Ummm... I hope I made myself clear. Link to comment
lunatic Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Personally if I were in your shoes and he pulled this crap on me alot. I would not get mad I would try to talk to them and if that got no where then I would act. First off, I would not be so available to him. Stop going out of your way for him and start giving him the same treatment he gives you. Cold aloof and distant. Make it sound like it is a burden to talk to him and treat him with the same attitude you get from him. If that does not get a reaction from him then I think it is time to learn to live with this treatment or move on. Lets face the facts here that he is not going to change overnight and you can't change someone who does not want to change themselves first. If this treatment is something that hurts you so much and you have talked to him about it. Then it is time to take action and break up with him. There is no need to play games and stuff like that. If your such an awesome girlfriend then you will have no problem finding someone who will appreciate you for your qualities. It seems like this guy does not see you as the awesome girlfriend as you think. Take control back and make the decision for him if he is being mean and distant. I would not like the fact my SO cancelled plans all the time on me because of a friend or being lazy. Link to comment
cinderella jones Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 Hey bethany, Thanks...so true....I know what you mean..and I did do that today when he asked me if I still want to see him...just him asking me that question alone tells me that coming down to see me is a chore..... Link to comment
cinderella jones Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 All of your advice is well taken...thank you for listening...Mun and Hubman also thank you ...your points are right on target...I agree I don't want to have to take that type of treatment..and also I undertsand that I can't chnage anyone..god knows i have learned that..I guess I am just a little confused because just last week his actions were so sweet..I even tried explaining to him that I am only confronting him just so we get a better understanding of one another...but when he responds..he always says, "if that is how I see things then what can he say"...just that statement alone seems egotistical and selfish...which is the complete opposite of how he acts when he sees me...sometimes I wonder if I am dealing with a Dr. Jekyl and Mr hide personality..... Link to comment
cinderella jones Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 wow..interesting news for those that are following my thread...my boyfriend is outside of my job right now waiting for me to take me to lunch...he actually surprised me..and called me telling me he is outside..and that he will wait in his car til I get out for my lunch time....what do u guys think of that? Link to comment
lunatic Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 WOW I would have told him that I have plans for lunch already and left it at that. It seems to me that he only comes around to see you when it is convient for him. I don't know what else to tell you but, I would not be so available to him for the next few weeks. Link to comment
kellbell Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Thanks Cinderella. That's good to hear that his finances are looking up because that can be very stressful in a relationship. But like the others mentioned, I wouldn't be so available for him when he breaks plans with you, it's one thing if he flaked out on you once or twice but like you mentioned, this has been happening a lot lately. Time to nip this one in the bud. Let me know how you doing. Link to comment
cinderella jones Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 yeagh, interesting.,..he came to actually apologize to me....and he treated me to lunch..I know I shouldn't have been so readily available today for lunch but he lives an hour away from me..so I thought he was actually considerate in his thoughts about coming to see me and cancelling his clients...that is if that is the truth...but maybe I am just being paranoid....but I do still plan on not being so readily available for him from this point on....he just took me off guard today...so to hubman I agree with you ..I shouldn't have seen him for lunch but I only did it this time because he lives so far away...so I wanted to give him a chance to speak I guess....but I will keep you guys informed of what the results are since I decided from this point on that I will not be so readily available for him...for example he is suppose to be with me this weekend so he thinks he will see me on Friday...but I am going to tell him that I have plans for friday night..and that he should come down the next day..I think that will be the start of me showing him that I have a life as well.....thanks guys...i'll keep you posted....I like the way you think Hubman coming from a man it is great to see that you understand where I am coming from. Link to comment
lunatic Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Good for you!! Please keep us informed as to how things change. I hope everything works out for you hun! Link to comment
thetruthintheformofhiphop Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 I agree with bethany But also if you really like this guy and see a future with him, well most of your social life will be with him This is an old case of "So you want to play like that huh?" Link to comment
redandblack Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Hey there, It's tough to be in the situation you are in, I know how it feels. It's really hard when the other person doesn't realize what they are doing and/or doesn't see it as a problem. You have been given some pretty good advice so far. This guy is taking for for granted, more or less, and probably doesn't realize it (I used to be just like him long ago). It's pretty hard to make him completely 'see' what he is doing without flat out dumping him, but pulling back a little and becoming less available might help him start to come to a realization. In the end I think it comes down to priorities... and you apparently aren't one most of the time. Try to not let it get you down! Take care Link to comment
Mun Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 I know this happened yesterday, I'm glad you went to lunch with him. I would have. Punish him when he takes you for granted by not being available to him, but when he gives you nice surprises --where he is clearly thinking of you-- then GO. In this case he wanted to surprise you. You were his priority...see the difference? Trust your instincts. Link to comment
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