Marriage: Never in our future?!

[WildChild]

I sometimes feel he is testing me to see my reactions on these types of things. We both are the same that we will skirt around the issue or idea and work ourselves into discussing or throwing something out there.

 

However, he seems to be commenting more and more lately. I am starting to think with the holidays coming up he keeps saying it so that I won't (which I'm not) get my hopes up for a diamond ring since it is pretty common to give engagement rings at Christmas (which he did with her). It is though starting to hurt my feelings with the comments, which obviously he has no idea since I haven't brought it up yet.

 

The thing that is hard about bringing it up is the noticeable changes in him in the last few weeks. Like he has finally given into the fact that he cares about me. He is more affectionate, patient etc... People are always telling me the nice things he says about the boys and I. His mom told me this summer that she thinks he found the love of his life by the way he talks about me. However, he has only told me once that he loved me and couldn't define what kind of love. I am being patient with it, but it would be nice to know if he has defined within himself what kind of love he has for me. I have no question about the love he has for the boys and I cannot tell ya how much that warms my heart

 

Aaahhh, the joys of love.

[Miss M]

Yes, I was noticing how indirect you both seem with each other, skirting around the issues. (That would drive me nuts because I'm very straightforward.) But you're both dancing around something very important here, and you're now trying to guess at how he feels, asking us here what he's thinking, instead of just asking him. You felt blindsided, tearful, when he first brought this up, so it's obviously very important to discuss this with him.

 

So from what you've just said...

 

- What if he's actually afraid of how he feels? What if feeling closer to you causes him to say things to create more distance as a way to protect himself from his own feelings?

 

- or... what if he's afraid of feeling close to you, and is throwing out these hints to get you to respond with reassurance to him? Maybe it IS more like what RayKay said... Maybe he's trying to sort out his thoughts/feelings and is throwing hints because he wants a clue from you before he lets himself go completely?

 

- And what if he's commenting more and more lately because no matter how many hints he throws, you're still not taking the bait, not revealing your feelings?

 

Gosh, it's no wonder you're confused and hurt, because he's being kinder, and also seeming to create more distance at the same time. Maybe he's just afraid, but that behavior he's demonstrating is also what a cruel/abusive person does, so which one do you assume? And you're not helping it because you're not responding at all, afraid to reveal your feelings too. It's actually sounds like you two are playing poker, keeping your cards close to the vest, instead of having a relationship. (And this reminds me why I'm not in a relationship anymore. )

[WildChild]

Normally I am one to talk about my feelings all of the time in relationships, but this time around I am trying to keep my feelings in check without coming accross as pushy, needy, clingy etc.... I like my needs to be met obviously, but I have failed too many times in the past by bringing up "where are we going with this" kind of talk. So in this relationship, I have just let it happen and it has been successful in letting it just happen....until now wondering what the heck this all means LOL He is gone now again for the week so I won't have a chance to talk to him about it at least until he gets home.

 

You're right in your analogy Miss M....this is like poker, wondering what the other player has LOL Or, maybe not so LOL

[sibling295]

wildchild - i am in a relationship with a man who broke up with me because he felt pressured. When he came back to me he said we could talk about it at another time. But to please just continue our relationship as is and see if we really make each other happy. Well of course , a couple weeks back into our back together i get ansy. So last week i declared out of the blue" So i am thinking next xmas , lets see where our finance's are and look into buying a home after we get married" While waiting for him to run as fast as he could , he instead said " well keep working , no more summer's off for you". I replied "yah I know" and that was it.

It's hard not to bring it up again, but i decided to change my way of thinking about it.

Perhaps , you could try something like this too???