How do you break up with someone nicely?

[sorryJason]

Hello all!

 

Well here I am again, yes I made the mistake of jumping into a relationship, that I wasn't ready for, I guess I just wanted someone(anyone) to hold, and well I know she is not right for me, for so many reasons. I think the biggest one is that I don't really care about her, I was just seeing her to forget about my ex. I am glad that I never let myself get too attached to her, and that our relationship never got to the "next level"

 

So here is my problem, I want to break up with her, but it has been such a long time since I had to do this I don't know how, I want to let her down easy because she is really crazy about me and I don't want to hurt her. She has known for a while that things are not quite right between us, the fact that I would go only so far in our relationship was a big sign to her. Maybe she suspects that I am going to break up with her already. So how do I go about this, We have only been seeing each other for about a month and a bit, so it shouldn't be this hard but I don't like hurting anyone. Is breaking up over the phone ok, or should I do it in person? I am very scared about this myself, I don't want to be alone, but it is wrong to be with someone that you don't love or don't see any chance of a future with, right? I know a month is not long but I already know that we are not compatible, I am not attracted to her, I just wanted to be with someone and she was that someone.

 

Please help, I want to do this the right way, if there is one!

[Jut]

SorryJason

Ill say this is a good decision you have taken. Dont break up over the phone, its considered timid , at least for a guy and just proves that you are feeling too guilty to face the other person. Tell her that you are not able to give her what she wants and that it would be unfair on her to drag this on. Be honest.

[teacup]

nicely isnt as important as honesty. sincerity. the truth.

 

sometimes the truth hurts.....but i always prefer to know the real truth and the real reasons then excuses and made up lies.

 

let her know you dont really care about her and that you're not attracted to her. let her become angry......anger helps.

 

sadness is what keeps us down.

 

there is NO WAY you can avoid hurting her. you already have. shame on you. but dont underestimate who she is.

 

i think im kind of in the same situation. i think he's ready to let go of me and never really cared about me (it was too easy for him, he didnt have to make an effort), but he has no idea how much pride and selflove i am finding in myself. he has no idea that just because i was crazy about him yesterday, doesnt mean that i will still care in a few days. dont underestimate the ability of the human heart to protect and heal itself. once she accepts all your flaws that she was denying and pushing aside to make the relationship work (girls do this), she will get over it nicely.

 

be a man and do it in person. the phone is lame. you owe her that much. it takes decency and respect to have the balls to do it in person.

[LiquidCherry]

It is NOT wrong to be with someone you don't love (at first anyway). Love takes time to grow and a month usually isn't long enough. But a month often IS long enough to know if you don't want to be with someone so as you know you are making the right decision.

 

I WOULDN'T tell her that you don't care about her or that you're not attracted to her. To me that just sounds cruel and there's no reason to take a shot at someone's ego just because you don't want to date them any longer. I also wouldn't tell her that you're just not ready for a relationship yet. As true as it may be it is very confusing to hear from someone you were in a relationship with.

 

I suggest that you tell her that you simply don't see anything long term developing between the two of you and that you don't have the compatability or connection that you desire.

[Hope75]

I think honesty is the best route. Just let her know that you aren't ready for a relationship, and you are sorry. Tell her you did not want to hurt her, so you wanted to be honest before it got any further.

 

Good luck.

[Relationship Coach]

How would you like someone to break up with you? Answer that and you will have your answer.

[DropToZero]

I guess I sort of agree with RelationshipCoach, so how would you want it done.

 

Anyways, Jason, I just literally went thru the same exact thing. I think I was just getting over someone from the past summer, and I more or less used this girl to have 'someone to be with'...like you. I wasn't entirely sure I was attracted to her either, just like you....and we'd also been seeing one another for the past month or so.

 

Past the similarities now...I broke up with her...for like a 2nd time, but this time it happened by phone because of something that happened between us...I didn't really want to see her in person. What I did, was explained that I wasn't sure what I wanted right now, needed space, had a lot on my mind and didn't need the idea of 'relationships and girls' on my mind with finals coming up. That's bascially true, that's what I'm feeling right now, but she won't take the hint...I really don't just want space, I just don't want to pursue anything further with her and now she seems to want answers...and it's getting a bit annoying that she won't just be like every other girl and feel bad for a few days and not contact me...she contacts the next day. It's just getting to me when I dont need 'this' type of stuff on my mind, and I thought it was put to rest and now it's still haunting me....heh, I just need some time. Well, anyways, there's my 'break-up', thought it might help to justify what you'd like to do cause we were somewhat similar.

[Msnak]

Relationship Coach--you propose a great question. I'll bite. Here's my answer.

 

I would like someone to break up with me face-to-face, in public, (say a quaint restaurant) and not around a holiday.

 

I would like a reason (even if it's lame, it'll keep me from wondering) and I would like the person not to feel obligated to say "we can be friends." Because I don't stay friends with people I break up with! I have enough friends!

 

I would listen, and if I felt the same way, or disagreed, I'd let them know.

 

Now, for an aside, most guys treat me as if I'm a marshmallow and can't handle the truth! Hate that!

[sorryJason]

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR GREAT REPLIES!

 

I just wanted to thank you all for your replies, yes teacup, I am very ashamed of myself, I tried to use this girl to get over my ex, I was having a hard time always thinking about her, but I wanted to make sure I stayed away from my ex, as I want her to heal and have a good life. I know that is not an excuse to hurt someone else, but I just thought I would let you know what I was thinking.

 

At first I thought it I really want to be with her, but it turned out that I just wanted to be with someone, after being with someone for 6 years, it is very, very hard to be alone, she was my best friend, and now I have no friends left in the city I live in. The have all moved away.

 

I was going to break up with her in person, I wanted to know if breaking up over the phone was going to be better for her, I guess I knew that wouldn't be the answer, I don't want to see her cry, but I guess I have to face that because I am the one breaking up with her.

 

A very good suggestion "How would you like someone to break up with you?" I will really have to think about that one, hard question to answer especially after such a hard break up for me a while back.

 

"I WOULDN'T tell her that you don't care about her or that you're not attracted to her" Thank you for that Liquid cherry, I will remember that one for sure.

 

I want to thank you all again for your posts, they are all really helpful, I really want to let her down softly, maybe it is because I still remember how much pain I went (am going) through from my ex breaking up with me and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

[teacup]

well, yeah you dont want to see her cry. but it is important to face the consequences of your own actions. you choose to use this girl? face her tears. see how it affects someone and don't do it again.

 

yeah, you were getting over your ex. but that caused you to go out and inflict pain on another person (whether intentional or unintentional). what if she were to decide to go out there and use another guy? and that guy to use another girl? it isn't right.

 

dont make innocent people pay for something that someone else (ur ex) did.

 

another question is....how would you like to be used like that?

 

......i dont think ur a bad person. but u did do something bad. how would you like to be that girl?

[sorryJason]

I am sorry Teacup, have I done something to offend you? I said I was sorry and I am trying to make up for my actions, that is all any of us can do, right? We make mistakes because we are human, and we can't go back and change things, so we have to do what we can to fix, or at least make up for our mistakes, right?

 

I would like to ask you, does every relationship have to be forever? By the way you talk you can never date someone and not marry them, just dating someone doesn't mean you will be with them forever, right? I did use this woman, but not intentionally, I started dating for what I thought were the same reasons that everyone else does, I wanted to be with someone, I thought I was over my ex, but I have come to realize I don't want to be with this woman, and that I am not over my ex, and that it will take me a long time to get over her.

 

In her eyes, I dated her for a month, and now I don't want to date her, right, does this not happen all the time in the world, I had 2 dates with 2 different women before this girl and one never called me back, does that mean she was using me? Of coarse not, sometime people just don't fit together, that is what dating is for, to find out if you are compatible, right?

 

You make it seem as thought I was abusing her, I never gave her any false hopes, I told her my issues with my ex, and she understood and was very patient with me. I am breaking up with her, because I don't want to string her along, wouldn't that be much worse?

 

"what if she were to decide to go out there and use another guy? and that guy to use another girl? it isn't right." This is exactly why I want to break up with her the right way, if there is one, I don't want her to feel like I used her, which I don't think I did, I was true to my heart the whole time I was with her, when I was thinking about my ex I wouldn't see her and I told her why. I never lied to her about what I was feeling, and what I was ready for in terms of a relationship.

 

"another question is....how would you like to be used like that?" I have been used like that an worse, I know how it feels, which is why I was always honest with her about my feelings and why I want to end it now before she gets too attached to me.(too late!)

 

I hope that you don't think I am being mad or angry here, but I am trying to do my best, and that is all I can do. "all I can do, is all I can do"

[teacup]

.........hey, im not mad or whatever. it's just when u say girl, being a girl...i think.....hey!! what if i was that girl? or in that situation?

 

of course ppl dont have to keep dating. feelings change etc. it's good to break it off early as soon as you know. i just have a whole thing against ppl getting used. but at least u figured out ur motivations really early and are getting out of it as soon as you know.

 

ive been seeing a guy for about a month. last week he blew me off twice and i was not okay with that because i deserve to be treated well by whoever i see. i dont know what he is thinking but if he didnt like me or didnt want to see me, i told him that he better tell me straight out, and honestly because i wouldn't want to spend time with someone who didnt genuinely have a real interest in me. i mean..i can find someone who likes me for me!! why settle for any less?

 

on the other hand, i used a guy when i was 18. i used him for rides, conveniency, and to take me out and pay. i've never forgotten and i still feel twinges of guilt every single time i think of him. at the time, i didn't know any better. i wasnt examining my motivations and morals or choose to ignore them. but i know better now. i have never done that to another person since and i never will because my conscious says i cant be doing that to others. i have also apologized to him a couple of times......he wanted to meet up for coffee!! so mabe what i did wasn't so bad to him, he did enjoy my fine company. but....i would never, could never use another person. it's just not right. it's not fair. it's not moral. it's selfish and wrong.

 

just make sure that you dont use people, and especially not like this. that is what i really wanted to get accross. that is all. i didnt mean to be harsh...sorry...i need to work a little on how i communicate...

 

i actually think ur a really good guy because you care about her feelings and you took the time to think about it and to try and do the right thing. okay....i give you a pat on the back. (i can see why she likes you...and that is a compliment).

[sorryJason]

Thank you for replying back, it is not easy for me to break up with someone, especially knowing that I should have dated them in the first place, it was wrong, I know this now, I guess I will learn yet another valuable lesson in life here! Thank you for being so kind about this I am sorry if I sounded upset too, I really don't want her to hurt anymore than this has to hurt, I wish I could take the hurt on myself, I know it will hurt me too, because I will be alone again, but I guess I will deal with that.

 

At the beginning of this relationship I did have a real interest in this woman, at least I thought so at the time. I want a family and she has a daughter and she was committed to me right from the start, so I thought everything was perfect, there was even a big coincedence of events that happened that made me feel like fate had dealt me a great hand! Let that be a lesson to everyone who reads this post. Just because it seems like it is meant to be, doesnt' mean that it actually is meant to be, it might fate, but maybe fate is send that person in your life for a reason other than to be your life long partner. Just a thought.

 

You can't always get what you want, but sometimes, you get what you need.

[Relationship Coach]

SorryJason,

You are doing the right thing by ending your relationship with her. It's not only the right thing to do for her but for your self as well! You need more time to heal and to make adjustments. Stay away from getting involved with anyone for now. You have to start with a clean slate and not carry baggage in to a new relationship.

[sorryJason]

Thank you for you reply RC!

 

What you said is so true!

 

I have always had trouble getting over a relationship, in the past. With my ex before my current one, It took me 3 years and I still wasn't totally over her when I started dating my current ex, which did cause some problems in my last relationship. I told myself with this current break up that I would not let myself take another 3 years to start dating again. I should have realized that after being with someone for 6 years, you can't just get into another relationship so fast. I thought because my ex started dating someone as soon as we broke up that I should do the same thing. I thought I was ready to move on, I was forcing myself to move on, but I guess I do need more time, hopefully it doesn't take me 3 more years!

[Relationship Coach]

Now you are thinking! You can carry what you've learned from one relationship to another but don't make comparisons and don't look for problems. Moving on is a good thing but that does not require you to dive in to a new relationship. Moving on means making the best of each day in your new relationship with yourself. Don't look back, don't look to replace her with another warm body and when the time is right you will see and feel the distance that you have placed between what was then and what is now. Best wishes!

[sorryJason]

Update: for anyone who is still watching this forum. Sorry I haven't posted for a while, I have been busy and kind of depressed lately

 

I hope that the person I broke up with is not reading this, but I guess I can't really help that anyways.

 

Well I finally did it, I broke up with her on Thursday, and she didn't even flinch! She had just taken sleeping pills and she was kind of falling asleep when I told her that we were through, but I think she knew I was going to break up with her for a while now. I actually started crying a bit, but I held it in until I got to my car, geeze what a wuss, huh?

 

I am glad that I am not holding her back though, she called me the other day to see if I wanted to go out for drinks, but I was working, she sounded a lot better than she had while we were dating, I think maybe I was bringing her down with stories about my ex. I am glad she is happier now. I just wish I could be!

 

I know in the end I have to get myself fixed up once and for all, I have actually learned a lot of things in the last little while about myself. My major problems actually come from a major lack of self-esteem. If I ever want to have a normal life I have to work on getting a normal level of self esteem and self worth. Well, I should keep blabbing here, I just wanted to thank you all for your help and keep you updated.