Help Me Please!

[ChrisA]

Ok, I'll try and keep this short and sweet.

 

My Ex and I dated for close to a year, she left me because of trust issues. Basically, she kept catching me talking to girls on the net, flirting way too excessively, etc. She moved out (though we technically never lived together), said she couldn't trust me, but still loved me. For two months i tried to get her back with begging, pleading, the normal wrong stuff. None of which worked. In fact, She's agreed it worked against me.

 

Anyways, I had finally had enough and in an email stated that if i had no chance that I needed us to cut all ties and go our separate ways. This is what took place. For nearly two weeks we had zero contact. Then, i decided one night to IM her and asked if she wanted to get together. We did and she ended up spending the night here. It was late and we had fallen asleep on the couch together, then decided to sleep in my room. No sex, Kissing, but a lot of cuddling and we talked till about 5am. We didn't talk about 'us' persay, I tried to keep it light.

 

We spoke last night and when i said that I had a really good time the other night, she responded with "yeah it was nice hanging out with you, I had a good time also". We're again getting together on Monday. Now, shes said a few times that she wanted to be friends, that she's not seeing anyone, etc. Basically, i'm lost..I want this girl more than anything, but, am I going about it the right way? Please, any advice would be incredible.

[acuraman]

It sounds like you are going the right way because she is willing to spend time with you. Go slow and win back your trust with her. Maybe when the two of you get back together, you will stop flirting and have learned from your mistake.

[coooolsome]

Yes, go very very very slow. You are on the right track b/c if she really wanted to be only friends, there would have been no cuddling. Just have fun and take things slow. No serious relationship talk, just enjoy the time you have together.

[LiquidCherry]

I'd go very slow and let her lead. If the two of you are going to talk about the possibility of a relationship I'd let her bring it up. Also, you are now awarded the perfect oppertunity to win her trust back.

[michelemybell]

It sounds good for both of you, but be honest: Are you ready to give up flirting/whatever with other girls for now on? Dont be leading her on if you honestly can't because it's not fair to her and you will end up right back at square one.

Also, she is going to have trust issues with you and you're going to have to live with it once you get back together. Are you ready to deal with that? Also, is she needy in your opinion, or will she honestly let you hang out with friends, etc. without going bonkers?

Just some things to consider before going full speed!

[ChrisA]

Hey guys, Wow. I truly am in doubt of how good of shape i'm in. I mean, on paper it sounds good. But, I keep realizing that she's said friends many times, also hasn't put in any real effort into spending time with me, or even talking to me. IE coming on msn and not saying even hello...I will, however, admit that at this point, its me that should be trying, i mean, i did after all screw things up. But, I just wish i knew if i had a chance or not....

 

Michelemybell, there is no question in my mind that I'm more than ready to be with this girl, and this girl only. I realize how things will probably, trust issues, etc. However, I've asked myself many times if she's worth it and, well, i'm here and i'm still trying. I love this girl so much and I really lost a great thing by being stupid...I just pray its not all lost.

 

We're going out again on monday, i'll again try and keep it light. But, I'm very worried to be stuck in friend mode forever. I mean, no doubt that's where I am. But, this is my only way, correct?

[ChrisA]

Well, tonight was game day but while at work I received a call from her. It went much like this;

 

Her: Hi Chris, How are you?

Me: Good, thanks. You?

Her: Good but i've got some bad news, I came to visit my aunt in (out of town) for diner, but because i haven't seen them in awhile, they've asked me to spend the night. Can we reschedual?

Me: Sure, but do you even want too?

Her: Yes.

Me: Ok, what are you doing tomorrow?

Her: Nothing.

Me: Do you wanna get together tomorrow, same time?

Her. Yes. I'm really sorry.

Me: That's ok, I understand.

Her: Ok, see you tomorrow.

Me: Ok, have fun, night.

Her: Night, bye.

 

Family is a big thing to her and I knew that i didn't have much of a choice but be understanding. Besides, sometimes life happens. When I told one of my buddies at work, one of the first things he asked was, did she want to reschedual, to which i said yes. He figures that's probably a decent sign.

 

Do you guys agree, and do you feel that I'm taking the right approach? Is this the best way to try and get her back?

[coooolsome]

Yes, you handled that very well. Her wanting to reschedule is a good sign, not a great one, but at least she still wanted to see you. Her reason for cancelling is a very good one and your response "I understand" was a great response. Keep playing it cool and slow.

[ChrisA]

Thanks Coolsome!

 

I agree that I played it right. But, I'm honestly more concerned with the bigger picture. Like i said, I'm in this with the mindset that i'll eventually get her back. I feel my chances aren't terrible, however, one never truly knows what the other is thinking. She had said before our near two weeks of NC that she didn't want a relationship, before then she had said she wanted to be friends. I'm just kind of lost. I know if i talk to her about my feelings, it won't go well. I figure my only chance is to spend time with her, let her see that i've changed and just keep my fingers crossed. I really feel that her spending the night with me last week was a good sign, also that she's agreeing to get together wiht me again....

 

What do you guys think?

[ChrisA]

Well, not too sure what to make of things. We got together last night to watch a movie here at my place. We watched the movie, had my arm around her for much of it, though she did seem ok with it, I really can't be sure. I asked her if she wanted to do something together this coming monday and she agreed. She's heading out of town from Thurs-Sun. Things felt much different compared to the last time we had gotten together though...much more distant...I messaged her on msn tonight and, again, it felt more distant, as though she wasn't too interested in talking at all...

 

I feel very confused and unsure of what to do...PLEASE lend me some advice.

[ChrisA]

Please guys, Any advice would be great. My biggest concern is whether or not i'm going down the right path?

 

She's mentioned wanting to be friends before our two weeks of NC and has stated that she didn't want a relationship, also before those two weeks of NC. Am I being oblivious to the obvious and just using my hope to try and convince myself that the time we're spending together is good for us?

 

I suppose I'm very worried about being put into that dreaded 'friend mode'. Don't get me wrong, if its a means to an end, so be it. However, I'm very worried that once i'm there, i'll never escape its clutches.

 

Are these valid concerns, or, should i simply try and look at the positive aspects such as spending time together, working my way back into her life, etc.

[coooolsome]

Here is the thing, everyone tells you not to fall into the friend trap. Both of my girlfriends, I have been friends with. Not good friends, but friends. You dont want to become her best friend and you should hang out with other people. Also, the 2 of you should go out in groups also. Dont always hang out with her by yourself. Also, let her lead. Dont ask to hang out with her. Plus, when you are in a group setting, dont talk to other girls. You need to build up the trust again and show her you are changed. She cant see you changing if you are not around.

 

Plus if she leads, then you know she wants to spend time with you. You should be doing LC for the time being, dont contact her, let her contact you.

 

Become the person she first fell in love with.

[ChrisA]

Coolsome,

 

Thank you kindly for the advice. Its greatly appreciated. Thus far, its been I who has been putting in all effort to get together with her. Perhaps too much. I feel that in order to get any results, maybe i should pull back a bit and allow her the opportunity to put forth a bit of effort, that is, of course, if she does.

 

The problem I see with me not putting in the effort is that she might feel that I should be doing putting in the effort as she felt that I wasn't giving her the needed attention before. See my point?

 

Given the situation, is this my only game plan? Basically slowly work my way back in? I hope you all can see my concenrs with becoming the 'friend'...Any other input would be great. Many thanks in advance.

[ChrisA]

Anyone? We're supposed to get together tomorrow...how should I play it?

[danylion]

take it slow, she still gageing if she can trust you. Take Little steps, she knows you like her and regret your actions (you have apologised for flirting, I take it?) and its only been a few dates. She needs you to know what is at stake, its called appreciating what you've got. It will be worth it.

 

I was in her situation and getting back together after a break up takes alot of patience especially if you were being flirtatious. She needs to know you are taking it seriously.

 

It sounds like this girl is very important to you and you say you love her so I know you'll do what ever it takes. Let her lead, its just a little delicate right now because its special to you.

 

Good luck and remember only you know how you feel.

Take care!

[coooolsome]

Yes, take things very slowly. If you push, you will cause her to pull away. Its like a dance, she will take steps forward and backwards and you have to play it cool.

[danylion]

good analogy coolsome!

 

now get dancing!

[ChrisA]

Well guys, I really appreciate the input but it seems that things have taken a real nosedive. I think i've really destroyed any chance i might have had. Here's how it all went down. On monday she sent me a IM, we made some small chit chat and then she layed it on me. Basically told me that we were just hanging out as friends, nothing more. Regardless, we got together that night, we were watching a movie in the living room, then I asked if she wanted to watch it in my room (more cozzy), whe agreed.

 

We were cuddled up together, enjoying the movie when I kinda started to rub her shoulders. She asked for a massage and I agreed. After a bit she lifted her shirt, then took it off. After a little more, the bra came off...I was confused and after the massage i made the mistake of kissing her. It went great for about 5 mins and seemed like I might be back in the saddle, then she stopped it. She said this couldn't happen, that she didn't see us getting back together, that she wanted me to move on, ect.

 

So, now what folks? This happened monday night, she left right after we talked. Today i got home and she sent me a 'hey' on msn....I think its time to give up?

[ChrisA]

Anyone got

[michelemybell]

Chris, I hate to tell you this but she's playing you. She teases you when to see if you will show interest, then when you do, she backs off. Sounds like the girl is too imature for a relationship. You can play this game and continue trying to figure her out...or you can find a someone who is NORMAL. I know you like this girl, but there comes a time in everybody's life where you have to say enough is enough with an emotionally irresponsible, non-commital person. You are wasting too much of your precious time and energy on this girl. You are too good for this and you need to move on!