haunted

[teacup]

i am haunted by the memories of abuse. the shadow of abuse. not one day goes by that i dont think about it......that i dont feel the horror and the pain. lasting scars casting shadows accross my life.

 

not just him but all the others that have ever taken advantage of me and used or hurt me or abused me in some way because i did not know any better and did not protect myself and went along with it at great damage to myself. i know better now and i would not accept that kind of behavior or treatment. so sick of abuse.......why do human beings abuse other human beings? it is a inhumane thing to do. the memories pain me. the sadness, the pain, the hurt...i cannot forgive myself. i tear myself apart.....i am not well....

 

their initials as listed:

k.h.

z.f.

s.m.

d.h.

m.o.

j.d.

s.c.

j.p.

t.n.

b.c.

l.l.

d.j.

c.n.

j.s.

m.d.

t.b.

g.p.

a.s.

n.l.

b.l.

s.w.

j.l.

l.h.

c.b.

a.

 

 

from what i can remember. i got to a point where after all the abuse and hurt.....i started to abuse and hurt myself. to leave myself open to be treated like trash. to allow ppl to step all over me. to not protest over ill treatment. to let them do it.

[registered]

hey teacup

 

You didn't deserve to be beaten by other people, and I also know that you don't deserve to beat yourself up over this either.

 

I pm'ed you.

 

Take care.

[darkblue]

Are you seeking help?

Therapy or otherwise?

 

It may be something to consider to ease the pain of the past.

 

Take care, and PM me if you ever want to talk.

[teacup]

the past.....i just need to write it out here, to vent or i will go crazy. i didnt have enough respect for myself. i didnt value myself. i didnt know better. i made excuses for myself. i fell back into old patterns and old habits. i hurt myself. i destroyed myself. i am useless, worthless, no good. but i dont want to be like this. i dont want to be old, used up, bitter, angry, hurt, destroyed before my time.

 

i dont want to let those abusers win. if they leave me a empty hollow shell of the person i used to be. the pain of what they have done. it's frightening how bad and evil human beings can be.

 

i will never let myself be used, violated, disrespected, hurt, destroyed, forced to do something against my feelings or instincts, or have to defend myself to ppl who seek to attack me. i dont have to do anything about that.

[teacup]

a thought right here........all those people who hurt me, violated me.

 

they either

1. dont care

2. dont remember

3. feel justified

4. look down on me

5. have major problems of their own

6. are bad people in general

7. hurt and violate a lot of others

8. dont have good real relationships

9. have no mercy, pity, compassion or real depth and heart

 

how ironic because as i sit here bleeding and crying and tearing myself up about what a bad person i am and how horrible this has all been to happen to me.......they go about and live their lives like nothing ever happened. how ironic.....

 

each second i struggle with these abusive issues are another second i am allowing those bad people to define who i am and to define the way i live my life.

 

but still i sit and question.....can i forgive myself? and how?

 

the irony....i think i am such a horrible person because all this happened to me....but i would never do the things they have done to others. i dont and i wont and to the best of my ability i never will intentionally create that kind of torment and anguish in another human being.

[yeawutever]

They should be feeling that way, not you.

[yeawutever]

Get psychological help, seek therepy.

[Gracelove]

In regards to why people abuse....it's like you pretty much said,"hurting people hurt people".

 

I understand that my ex came from an abusive household, but that doesn't mean I except or excuse his behavior. I'm just able to see the source.

 

The period where you go through trying to understand why you allowed someone to treat you the way they did, can be the hardest.

I struggled with it. I think it may have some thing to do with your dreams.....

 

....my dream has always been to have the perfect significant other. Perfect for me. Someone I could talk to, spend time with, encourage and love. Someone who loved me and cared for me in the same manner. That was what I looked forward to in life, nothing else really. Every other wonderful thing that could happen to me in life would just be an added pleasure.

 

I was willing to do anything to achieve this dream.

 

My ex-boyfriend was like two different people. One was the man of my dreams, and the other was an evil person I would never dream of talking to or interacting with.

 

The evil person was present 95% of the time. But every now and then, my dream guy would pop up. And I would try to hold on to him. I was hoping that I could get my dream guy to stay a little longer. And help banish the evil monster on the throne of his heart.

 

However I realized something. My dream guy didn't exist in him. If he was evil 95% and only good 5% of the time, then he is evil.

A wolf in sheep clothing, a devil in an angel costume.

 

MY PAIN, caused by abuse, STARTED TO EASE when I realized that I was tolerant of his behavior because I wanted my dream to come true. Not because I hated myself. Not because I felt I was an awful person. Not because I had no back bone and was unable to stand up for myself. But because I felt I was close to something I'd wanted all my life, and I felt that my dream was worth anything, even dying for.....and it almost was.

 

The only reason I left my ex was because I knew I would die if I didn't.

 

The thing I had to start thinking about was...is this really my dream guy or a phony? Is this man worth dying for? What about me? What about me.

 

In my relationship I was so caught up in him. What did he need? What was he going to do to me? Why is being with him hurting so much? Why does he treat me this way? I had forgotten about myself.

 

And as for my dream..........what good would a dream be if I wasn't around to live it?

 

At first I felt like my dream had been completely destroyed and it hurt more than anything I've ever felt in my entire life. I honestly felt I had nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to in life.

 

I had to completely rebuild. And now I'm at the point where I realize that my dream wasn't completely bad, it just needed some tweeking.

 

I can still have a family, and fall in love. It's just not priority now. I have to find other things to look forward to, other things to live for.

 

When your dream has been crushed, you feel like the walking dead. You are just surviving. After a while you start to feel a little better and a little more alive. And one day, I'm sure of it, you will thrive.

When you realize what caused you to become mixed up with an abusive person, life becomes easier.

[teacup]

i think for me. i wanted to fix him. i realized that he had all these problems, but i wanted to become a fixer. i wanted to say "hey look, if i can achieve something great, by helping this messed up person pick themselves up and achieve and complete their life and to become successful, then what a great person i must be to be able to do that!"

 

i think there is a big part of that in me and i dont like it. i have to fight it. right now i like this guy, i think he has drinking problems, and he seems distant, i cant tell what he's thinking or feeling, he's aloof, and he seems depressed. i hope i am not falling in that same trap again because there is nothing attractive about trying to fix someone.

 

the dream is that he'll

 

1. appreciate it

2. think im so great

3. love me so much for helping him

4. and be utterly faithful and loyal because i went through so much for him

 

the reality is that,

 

1. he needs to fix himself and he wont

2. he wont care about me more because of this, most likely he'll resent me

or hate me for it

3. he wont change and wont do anything about it

4. i'll end up getting bogged down in his problems

5. i'll end up destroying myself

6. i'll hurt and damage myself trying to get him to change or to fix himself

7. i'll be too attached to leave

8. if this person ever did get better, they would want to leave me, because they would feel they could move onto better. the way ppl want to leave reminders of their past pains and wounds behind.

 

how great huh?? the dream and the reality is just far too different. my dream of helping him ended up destroying me, it destroyed my life to the mess it is now. the reality was so too true, too harsh and too strong.

 

i dont want to fix this alcoholic. that's why i am distancing myself from him. i want to see what im truly getting into. i dont want a repeat of what happened to me last time in any way.

[BillyJean714]

Teacup, everytime I read your posts, you always remind me of what I went through and currently aslo went through.

 

You know what I realized? Although we cannot control how other people abuse us and mistreat us, one thing that we can control is OURSELVES.

 

All we need to do is wisen up to what we went through in the past. It still hurts me, even until this day, to think of all of the numerous relationships I went through- all of the heartache, crying, pain- all of the emotional damage!

 

In my last relationship, i hoped that the person who I gave a chance to would treat me right. He went off on telling me all this crap about how much he would treat me better.

 

When I cooked a meal for him and his family, what did he do? He made a face and criticized. When was he truly happy with me? Was he ever really there for me? That S.O.B. You know how much it hurts to give someone a chance, when they know in fact, you've been burned several times? And they still have the nerve to hurt you??? :sad: It f-n hurts like a MOTHER!!

 

Screw it. Teacup, it's time to ask yourself this with every person you get to know from now on,

 

"If he's not truly there for me, then what is he REALLY there for?" Someone pointed this out to me just recently. Simple question, but it says A LOT.

[Gracelove]

Teacup, don't go out with the alcoholic guy!!! Just think of all the pain you've been through because of your past relationship. Is it worth going through again...........?

 

Of course not. Just take time for you, k. Believe you me, I know it's painful. It sucks being unhappy. I try to find distractions all the time so I won't have to focus on how I'm feeling. But you don't want this distraction.

 

And you say he seems distant...

 

RED FLAGS. Always acknowledge and heed the red flags.

 

I don't want you hurt. Bad things happen to us when we don't pay attention to the warning signs.

 

Hang in there, and leave that crazy man alone.

I'm glad you already realize you don't want this type of person in your life. No matter what happens stay away.

[teacup]

i dont feel like im healing fast enough. i wish i were healing faster.

[Gracelove]

I know how that feels. It definitely takes time. Don't give up.

*****"This too shall pass"******