I Lack Masculinity

[estevan_carlos]

Hello

 

I was the guy who posted a year ago regarding my position as a 22 year old virgin. Then my situation of cheating on my long-distance girlfriend. Now it's about a more substantial issue (although the issue of my ex-girlfriend is substantial): I lack masculinity. Machismo. Or rather, I lack the ability to express it. Typical reasons I presume. My relationship with my stupid semi-feminist, bitter, mother. My lack of clear male role models as a child. My physical unattractiveness. Things like that.

 

My ex-girlfriend felt i was not aggressive enough. Another has said she wouldn't sleep with me because I am not "horny enough". So it would seem they may be right, but deep down, in my place down there, they are not.

 

This isn't just about sex... and that is my problem. I very rarely let it be just about sex. I almost never act upon any of desires for just sex. I cringe in awkwardess. It used to be because I hated myself so much that I believed i was diseased and posessed and would corruot any one i touched. It used to be like that, as a teenger. I couldn't touch someone's hand. I couldnt hug a soul. Not because i sincerely hated it but because i hated myself so much and my position in society (or what I believed it to be. somewhere near the bottom).

 

all these elements seem to drip from me and pardon the imagery. freudian slips abound in my day to day. my music is described as "hyper-sexual" from a professor, my projects always have this layer of sexuality and desire. Elements of which I do not often or always intend. It simply happens.

 

I lack aggressiveness, confidence, and I'm honestly afraid of the amount desire I feel in me at times and so to cope, i keep away from physical interaction as much as possible or rather I used to. It affected my ruined relationship with my long distance girlfriend. It affects many of my relationships. And quite frankly, my emotional frustration reaches unhealthy levels.

 

Please recommend some books, a therapist, 12 steps, a new perspective, . Something. Thank you.

[MajinBu]

Alright ill try my best on answering this one...

First of all... I hope you left your ex girlfriend because of this... and that other girl that said you werent horny enough... has anyone ever told you that the best thing for you to be is yourself? Why do you need to be macho? Because some girl wants you to be? Honestly if some girl ever told that to me I'd be ignoring her even if she was begging for her life...

You can't possibly be worried about it if some chick said so.

believe me... many... many... MANY girls dont even LIKE the macho type.... and I can tell you that from experience...

But if your also worried your never "aggressive"... id say it depends on what field we are talking about.... i already told you that in love you just need to be yourself.... but in other environments like work.... then you have plenty of time to foculize and realise what your potentials are... and try to increase them little by little.... dont give importance to people who push you at faster speeds than what your used to.... if you have to go faster... you'll go faster when you can....

Hope this helps.

[estevan_carlos]

No.

 

Sex and desire extends beyond the bedroom. It's a manner and element and component of relationships: maintaining and obtaining relationships. A man who's afraid of touching a woman because he's afraid of himself is not a good thing.

[estevan_carlos]

A man who does not know how to handle his desires in terms of acting or not acting upon it, is not a healthy thing. It's a terrible over-simplication to simply say a man can not ever do this. It's true for us as a society, what we can and can not do but I've lived my life under the idea that I can not act without permission. I can not act without written consent. I'm at another extreme and to have that bottled up inside...

 

But, this is just my perspective. I honestly want any guidance one can offer. Just understand that I don't believe continuing what I am doing is any good.

[chai714]

Estevan,

If you go to a college or university, see the psychologist and they either help you directly or point you to the right direction.

 

If not, check out your phone book. Or, better yet check out the link removed Physician Directory. for the link.

 

link removed also has a mental health forum. They might be able to better assist you there also. That can be found .

 

Good luck.

[estevan_carlos]

i don't have a mental health issue, do i?

[MajinBu]

i personally dont think you do... but then again dont reject help from others... whatsoever it might be

[Beec]

Estevan, you don't sound crazy to me. You sound very rationale. And I can see some of this comes from your upbringing with your mother (esp. if she is as described) and lack of male role models.

 

This does not seem to be an issue fo you not having sexual desires, you seem to have them and know you have them. These seems an issue of you not knowing if you can control your desires once you let them be known. It's more about you and control over yourself, and your fear you won't be able to control yourself. Is that right?

 

Not sure I have a soulation, but I want to make sure I have the problem down right.

[estevan_carlos]

Absolutely. That is certainly a part of it and a part that I'm frightened to admit.

 

I'm disrespected a sexual male figure sometimes. I'm seen more and more as an individual who is not a part of that social fabric. I'll often be labeled as "harmless" and me kissing a girl (of which resulted in my cheating on my ex-girlfriend) sends shockwaves. I don't condone those actions but it's becoming clear to me that I can't continue running away from these matters.

 

I don't believe I can completely fulfill the role that a bitter mother or a young woman may want me to fill. I wish to allow myself to become a human being. I believe it has been detrimental to me being taught to be so gentle. My mother must not want any grandchildren. This extends beyond sex a bit but I feel more comfortable in my emotional and social manners with women.

[chai714]

i don't have a mental health issue, do i?

 

Estevan,

I wasn't saying that you do. I'm not qualified to say that. I know personally that a psychologist can help you understand why you feel a certain way and help you change unproductive behaviors to more productive ones. Basically, they can help you understand why you feel or why you act a certain way around certain people. Psychologist aren't just for people who have problems - they can also help you understand and learn more about yourself. Look at it as a way of learning how to be more aware of your current behaviors. If you can afford one, great. If not, look at the link removed forums and ask around. There are a lot more health professionals on that site then there are here. Good luck.

[Beec]

Well, I think one of the ways to learn to control something is to let it out and then try to control it. I kind of look at all of dating like a sport, in regards to learning it. If I were to teach soemone to play basketball, I would teach the that the goal was to put the ball in the basket, and then I would begin to teach them skills, dribbling, passing, shooting, etc. Once the knew some skills, I'd teach them some strategy and tactics. So, that's my view and your fear of not being able to control your urges, which is what you are talking about is something you need to learn to master.

 

First of all, you do control it. If you were not controlling these urges, everyone would know about them. You'd be watching women with open stares and grabbing them when you felt like it. You're not doing that.

 

My sports analogy for you might be skiing. If you are scared of going down the hill, you will have a tougher time getting down it. Sometimes, you need to put your skis and go, some times you will fall, but you will learn to get down sooner or later. How bad could you crash and burn? The worst thing you could do is rape a woman after you showed that you have urges, but with your control, I don't think that is going to be the case.

 

I think you need to let some of them out and then youwill control it, but I am still thinking to see if I can come up with another suggestion.

[estevan_carlos]

Go down the hill...

 

First, I must some how go to the top. It happens sometimes but I'm infamous for ruining it. That though, is another issue.

 

Once I invited a girl to my dorm to sleep over. I ended up sleeping like a dog in the corner of the twin bed. I didn't "feel" I had permission to touch her. What a strange mental block I have. She probably thought I lacked interest. My chest and my head hurt all night.

[Beec]

Getting the chair lift to the top of the mountain is a different issue than skiing down the slops. It's related, but different.

 

Can I address your skills first, because I think you have one big issue I can see? Can you read body language? Do you understand the signals yous end via body language? Body language is the most basic skill in the world or dating and relationships. Because msot of our sexual communications are unspoken, and you feel like you need permission. I think you might need to learn how to ask without asking with words.

 

Here is an example that I would use if I knew a woman I liked and wanted to know if she was interested. So, I am talking to this woman for at least the third time. I am getting good signals, but cannot tell if they are jsut friendly or not, and I don't know if I can touch her to figure out if I can make a move. So, I need to know if she will be ok with me touching her, nto necessariyl sexually. What I do is remark on something she is wearing and earrings are the best thing. Say you liek her earrings and kind of cup your hand moving towards her. Stop when you get within a foot or halve the distance between you and her, with your hand, and say "May I?" You know right there is you can or cannot. And if she lets you touch her in this way, more touching will also be okay.

 

In other words, you need to learn body lnaguage, so you can communicate without talking.

 

That's my first suggestion.

[estevan_carlos]

i think very slowly i am. i never understood. i can't say i do much now. i clearly have deficiency. But how can i discern from someone simply wanting attention from someone who wants me? how much can i read into a glance or a smile? or a strange remark?

[Beec]

Well, there are no definite singular movements that say she wants you and gives you permission. (I can think of one exception, when a woman walked up to me in a bar, stop in front of me, leaned agaisnt me and rubbedherself up and down my body. But, she did not get me. That forward was too forward for me.) Instead of one signal, you need to look for multiple signals.

 

Eye contact is the biggest signal, but it is not that she looks at your eyes. It is that she hold eye contact for a period that not normal, it's longer. And it recurs, she won't look just once. She will look, make eye contact, break it and then within a short while, look back again. And how she breaks it is also significant. If she looks straight to the side, and kind of over her shoulder, you are sunk. Last time I got that look, I knew it was over. If she breaks eye contact by looking down and particular if she looks down and to her left, that is a good signal.

 

If she touches you, in a friendly way, plays with her hair, sticks out her breats, turns her body to face you, shows you her palms, raises her eye brows, etc., all are good signals.

 

Don't look for one signal, look for a cluster. You see her make eye contact, show you her palm and play with her hair. There is a cluster. Wait and see if you see another. Multiple clusters, go bust a move, say hello.

 

I'd learn about what happens with body language while you talk to a woman too. When we begin to talk to a woman who wants to hook up with us and we want to hook up with, we will be at a fairly normal conversational distance. And one of the things we will do is narrow that distance and them widen it, narrow and widen. Progressively though, the ditance will get narrower, we will be physically closer to her. What happens is we move into her space, violate it in a sense, then move back out, and see how she reacts. If seh reacts like she has a problem with it, then we don't go back in. If she reacts like it was okay, we will go back in.

 

If you want to study this, and you should, because body language is the language of love, I like Susan Quilliam and R. Don Steele's books in conbination. Individually, they are not that good (both are about as good as books on this get), but together they are much better.

[willdation]

Here's some of my input..

 

Ok...I think your problem goes a lot deeper and CAN be solved. First, just remember that YOU are in control and ONLY YOU will be responsible for your life at the end. If you can get around that, then everything should fall into place....

 

First of all, I am getting the impression that the way you feel may not be directly from a lack of masculinity, but rather that you feel you cannot relate to others, or rather, that others cannot related to you...You made reference to your music, so maybe you are just sort of an artistic person and creative and cannot relate to people (who or non musicians or artists) on that level?

 

Also, you metnioned something about not fitting into the social fabric or something like that...I know what you mean, there are some things you see in society around you that you question and wonder about things ad it is difficult if you feel like you are one of the very few who think on a more abstract level...Now, here is another important point...most people feel that way in their lives, you are soo not alone on this one..

 

Here are some good ideas of how to build confidence.....OK, you seem to have deep negative feelings about yourself sometimes...perhaps you do not feel fulfilled? One way to feel good about yourself and feel a sense of purpose and worth is to help others and volunteer...seriously...there are sooo many less fortunate people in this world who actually need YOUR help...thus, you are not wortheless....

 

About the girl situation..I am going to give you some really strong advice..and you are going to have to trust me on this one, because I am an artsy person, yet I have no trouble meeting or acting around girls, i even have to fight them away the majority of the time....ok....Unless you are seeking a really intellectual girl (who can see through you and not love you only on attraction from a deep biological type level...ie..masculinity)...girls generally seek confidence...that is why if you are going out with a girl and keep on saying everyday "do you still like me? i dont think im good enough"...it will most likely push her away.... Now, you can still be CONFIDENT and BE YOUR SELF at the same time.....and this will increase your luck with women 1000%

 

Now, you say you don't feel worthy of some girls and that you need their permission to touch them...well..sorry to say this..but you do most of the time if it is sexual of course....That dosnt mean you cant have a conversation with a girl or hug them or whatever....unless she has problems..next time if you have a girl on your bed, instead of feeling negative about yourself and pushing yourself away...just ask and say "i an sleep on the floor if you wish, but then again, if you are comfortable with us both being here, than that is cool too"....THat shows you respect her and that you are confident by speaking your mind...Also, remember, usually in the case with women, the way they respond to you, either negative, or positive, is a DIRECT RESULT OF HOW YOU ACT towards them...Not a big deal,,but it is hope that if you get yourself together, be proud of who you are, and stop focussing on how bad life is perceived to be, than you will probably be alright..

 

Also, another thing to realize about life and girls and whatever...is that no matter where you are..life is a gift and you need to work hard to get anywhere...never give up no matter what happens...as long as you treat others nice and have hope, you will never hit rock bottom.....theres always times to change and usually you just need to be prepared for when the opportunity arises....

 

and seriously..believe in yourself...There are waaaaayyyyyyy more worse people out ther ein the world than yourself...You dont hae to be extrememly masculine and be a biker with a gotee or somethin....just try and make the most out of what you have and have FUN while doing it...remember...you are not that different than anyone else..just try and be humble and realize that you are not the only 'thinker' in this world...and try to find your purpose in life...

[willdation]

OK...heres another idea as to why being too gentle may be perceived as not such a good thing and why it is important to be able to have integrity and a "back bone"

 

Ok...I think the reason why women do not want guys to be "too gentle"..most of the time anyways from my experience and all my friends....is that there is a deeper purpose behind this...

 

HAve you ever taken a history course and asked yourself how could people do negative things in the workd (ie..Holocaust) just because they were "following orders" ? actually..most of histories saddest moments are a result of people not having a "back bone" or Inegrity and standing up for their beliefs (as long as they are well intentioned anyways)...

 

so.maybe its not being gentle taht pushes women away...but lacking INTEGRITY...You can be sensitive to others, but do not let others walk all over you and stand up for what you believe in..that really is the underlying layer of masculinity and confidence that most women seek....not just looks...you can have a body builder who is the biggest wuss and that would probably be enough to turn a lot of girls off..