Not over HIS ex...

[LiquidCherry]

Late last year I ran into an old aquaintance of mine and it turned out we had something in common.. We were both going through a divorce. We decided to get together and hang out because we are both young and so no one our age really understood what we were going through. It turned out we had a lot more in common and we soon started dating and fell in love. My divorce was finalized within a few months but my boyfriend was just starting his as he and his wife just finished their year of separation. (In New York there has to be a reason other than just not getting along) It turned out even though they were living separate they weren't legally separated so they couldn't even start the paperwork. (They are legally separated now but can't begin the divorce process until May.) Anyway, that's the background information.

 

We dated for 10 months before he broke up with me, at which point I found this site, and after a month and a half separation he wanted to get back together which is where we are now.

 

He's still not completely over his (ex) wife. I've known this for a long time and to an extent it's something I accepted.. About a week after we got back together we discussed this in greater detail then we ever have before but it was still difficult because he has a hard time communicaiting.

 

Some things that were said: That he doesn't know how long it will take him to fully get over her. That I want his whole heart, not just a part of it. That him still caring for her doesn't make me cared for any less. That he loves me and will try to get over her the best he can.

 

In a way I am glad he was honest with me, he could have easiley lied and I would have known anyway because it's just something you can feel. I just don't know what to do. Like I told him, I want his whole heart. I also understand though because it took me three years to totally get over my highschool sweetheart and I was still capable of loving even though a small part of me remained hurt and cared for him.

 

He remains in contact with her though it is minimal. Every few months they will exchange an email or something like that. I want to ask of him to not have any sort of contact with her, at least not until he is completely over her. Would this be an unfair request? How do I bring it up? It is a touchy subject and makes both of us very uncomfortable.

 

They were together for over 6 years which is a long time for anyone. Could it be he just needs more time? Do some people continue to carry a torch throughout their lives? If so, are these people capable of loving someone just as much if they did not? I really don't know what to do. I know I could always leave and find someone who wasn't hung up on their ex but we have so many things in common and enjoy each other so much.. Please help. Any advice would be wonderful.

 

*edit*--I was also thinking that perhaps he would be able to fully let go once their divorce is actually finalized. I imagine it might be hard to let go knowing that there is still a legal piece of paper stating that you are still together. Is this also a possibility or simply wishful thinking?

[Dregnought]

 

He remains in contact with her though it is minimal. Every few months they will exchange an email or something like that. I want to ask of him to not have any sort of contact with her, at least not until he is completely over her. Would this be an unfair request? How do I bring it up? It is a touchy subject and makes both of us very uncomfortable.

Making him have absolutly NC with her is a good idea, and until he stops contacting her, she will be in his mind.

 

In a way I am glad he was honest with me, he could have easiley lied and I would have known anyway because it's just something you can feel. I just don't know what to do. Like I told him, I want his whole heart. I also understand though because it took me three years to totally get over my highschool sweetheart and I was still capable of loving even though a small part of me remained hurt and cared for him.

This is a good thing that you two can be ohenest, and you can understand. Sounds like you two are reallly compatable, just like me and my gf, which is only a good thing.

 

About getting married - it is usually not a good idea unless they have been tegether for several years, like enleast 5. Why? Because most relationships that get devorced last around 1-3 years.

 

Anyway, Good Luck.

[arwen]

I think stopping contacting her is his decision. I really don't think you can make him stop doing so. He has to deal with the divorce himself. I'd just make the best of the relationship, and try not to make this very rare contact an issue.

 

I have a friend that is 1 year older and she divorced her husband 2 years ago. She had to see him for all the paperworks, and now she is in a new relationship. Still, she stays in touch with the ex, not frequent, but just sometimes. I think it is normal. I am not really big friends with any of my exes, but I keep in touch with a couple of them. It's a very good sign that he is honest about things. I doubt that there is something to worry about. It might be that it's hard for him to get adjusted to the fact that he is divorced at such a young age. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or loves her more than he loves you. It just means the whole thing needs to find a place in his mind.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[RayKay]

Since their contact is quite rare and limited, I don't think it would be fair to ask him not to have any contact with her - that is something he has to decide for himself.

 

It might take him some time, a divorce in itself is really hard for most people to go through and come to terms with, and when young it probably has even other considerations on it. If they were together a long time, they essentially have grown up together in some very key growth stages.

 

It sounds like he cares a lot about you and is open to working things out with you, and I think at this point you just need to take it day by day. There is no guarantee what may happen, but it would seem he loves you and wants to make it work with you as best he can right now. As you yourself said it took a long time for you to heal over one of your past relationships, and it will take him some time too.

 

Good luck.

[LiquidCherry]

Thank you very much for the advice. I would in fact never ask him to never speak to her again. I myself am friends with an ex and it is a friendship I value greatly. I still wish he would at least wait until he had healed completely but their contact is very limited so I've never actually felt threatened by it. I just get the impression that it does set him back a little bit every time but I knew his feelings going into our relationship as much as I know them now. I won't ask of him to do this, thank you again.

 

I was with someone who I did end up loving while I was still had feelings for my highschool sweetheart. It was long ago, love matures with age and I simply can't remember if having feelings for my ex took away from the feelings I had for my boyfriend at that time. It just feels different knowing that it is your SO that aches over someone else instead of it being myself. I preferred it the other way around.

 

It's not like he cries over her or thinks about her constantly, he moved past that before we started dating, but is this a common problem in relationships? Is it just that the heart heals in its' own time and is at the same time big enough for this to not truly be an important issue?

 

I know I can't do anything to help him move on and I know it is something he wants to do but how long is this acceptable for? Is it normal to still have feelings for someone and hold onto that? (I mean hold on to them long term, like for years or even a lifetime) I just feel.. I suppose hurt and not good enough. We were together for the better part of a year, broke up, got back together.. And he still has some feelings for her. I feel at a certain point if I do not have his whole heart there will come a time where I will have to walk away.