Breaking point

[Irishgurl]

For 4 days my heart has ached and I have shed a million tears. My body is exhausted itself from the sadness and I don't know if I will ever shake this feeling. I cannot bring myself to eat a morcel of food, for every time I do I vomit.

 

In the matter of minutes, I lost the love of my life and my best friend. He consumes my every thought and is seen within my dreams. I can't escape him.. every time I look into the eyes of the puppy he gave me for my birthday, I see him.

 

If I could just see his sweet smile or hear his laugh... touch his hand or just be held in his arms again... would I be freed from this pain? Or would it make it unbearable to know that I will never have that from him again..

 

Today I woke up in tears, unable to free myself from the chains that bind him to my mind. I miss him so much my heart bleeds and my soul weeps. I feel so lonely and vulnerable without him here beside me. I fed off his strength and his wisdom... he made me want to be a better person and I tried to be the best I could for him, but it wasn't enough.

 

I don't know how to cope.. or how to ween myself from the addiction. Every day feels like a dark tunnel of pain and I can't find the end. I wish I had his hand to guide me and to catch my fallen tears, but now I have to do this on my own.

 

I just wish I could stop these tears from flowing and free myself to exist once again.

[WyseOne]

Irishgurl, sorry this morning was so hard for you. If you want to talk you know where I am.

 

Hang in there.

[ratherbesailing]

Irishgurl -

 

I'm so sorry. When my wife finally admitted being unfaithful, I didn't sleep one wink for a week straight and I had to force myself to eat a little at meal times just so I could keep moving for the kids. I felt like my world had ended. It all feels so raw in the beginning but you just need to keep breathing.

 

Right now you are at the bottom but you will soon be on a roller coaster ride where you feel better somedays and sink back on others but gradually the lows won't be as low and you will work your way back to being a whole person and you will be a stronger and better person for having gone through it.

 

There is a person inside you that doesn't depend on him and it is going to surprise you how strong you are without him.

 

For the low right now just cry, talk to friends, talk to family, read, find a counselor, walk a lot and realize you are not alone.

 

You are going to be okay.

 

There are a couple of books that helped me:

 

Letting Go by Tracy Cabot

Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford

[Dregnought]

Pretty much on what ratherbesailing said. You hit rock bottom, but you will bounce back. Talk to friends and familly. Maybe get a cat or dog, one that is friendly, and that doesnt need alot of mantence. I have heard that it can bring joy back into life.

 

If you want, you can add me. Its in my sig.

[Relationship Coach]

I'm completely in the dark in regards to your situation but I do understand your pain. You are in a place right now where you are consumed by emotion and everything is a symbol of what once was. PM and fill me in if you can. I'd love to help if I can.

[Irishgurl]

Thank you to everyone who replied... I have been trying so hard to be strong but last night I dreamt about him & I woke up and haven't stopped crying. I miss him so much it literally makes me sick and I can't even face anyone today because I just start crying...

 

I know I will get stronger & eventually cope but I just feel like I can't breathe sometimes...

 

Thank you again for your support... it's very nice that I found this site which is so supportive. And thanks to Wyseone who has been helping me through this on MSN.

[arwen]

Irishgurl,

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's very similar to what most of us have been through at some point in life, and I can only promise you that it WILL get better for you. DN had (or has) a signature that quotes Winston Churchill saying "If you're going through hell, keep going".

 

You will get past this deepest point. Consider it the rock bottom. Things can only get better, because they barely can't get worse. You will grow and learn how to make a room in your heart and mind for the sadness, but also the good memories of what you had.

 

Keep us posted and take care,

 

Ilse.

[redhotcherries]

I went threw the same thing about a year ago.. I couldnt eat I didnt get enough sleep.. I stayed sick and depressed.. I was so bad off I had to be put in a hospital after getting out a friend of mine told me THIS IS ENOUGH! and that i had to stop. So this is what we done we went threw my house and gathered up everything that was his that he gave me everything even down to old love notes and everything.. I put them in a box and tapped it up! i didnt want to burn it because there were some pretty expensive things in it so i pushed it in one of my spare closets and locked it up in there... Then I started on the pictures.. I gathered them all up the ones of him and the ones of me with him I put them in a separate photo album and stuffed them away so i would never run accross them and get depressed again. Then I went to the spa and got a massage and the whole works then went out shopping with my friends got 3 new outfits and one hot dress.. we went out to eat and then we went to a local club.. i danced with every single guy there.. I got my firiends to set me up on blind dates and went out and had fun! this is important you have had your grieving time now its time to move on.. You are Beautiful and he was the one that lost you.. you didnt lose him.. There are hundreds of guys out there that would love to date you.. you just need to give it time take a vacation spend time with family.. And best friends.. this is the time to show him that you can get much better..! Good luck

 

(oh and as for your puppy i know you cant get rid of it but everytime you look at it and remember him just think that is the one part of him that you still have )

[Heartless01]

I am new here, so I have not the information on your situation exactly. I am gathering an affair and break up. I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

 

I believe that you need this angst, emotional outburst, catharsis if you will. You cannot begin to heal or get better without doing this first. It sucks, it makes you ill, and you believe it will never get better no matter what. I know....and my husband knows too. I myself have been both cheated on and been the cheater. I make no excuse for myself on that. I own it.

 

I saw what my husband went thru and I am amazed that we are still together and healing. If it had been me my hubbie had wronged, in all honesty, I would not consider reconcilliation.

 

That said....

 

If I can think of any ideas to help, work thru this, ease the pain of adjustment, or just be there and be effective....I will post it, if for no other reason than that is what I would desire from another.

 

In addition, other than the basic responsibilities of life as an adult, please try not to expect too much from yourself too fast. You cannot set deadlines for healing the mind or heart. Any extra you do or try should be geared to satisfaction of your return to comfort.

 

I hope I made myself at least partially clear. If not...ask or whatever...

 

Take great care, and dont let anyone expect too much from you either.... set your limits

[NoMoreWill]

I know how you feel. I lost my love and best friend as well. I felt sickened, angry, weary, terribly sad. Because of what happened and how it affected me, I almost took my own life out of desperation.

 

Know that the grieving is normal. You will set your own time table for it. But, get your mind off of it by emmersing yourself in activities, getting out, talk with friends, read books.. do whatever it takes to take your mind off of him.

 

Believe me, it will get better. It always does. And like a previous poster had said, you didn't lose out. He did.

[Hope75]

What happened, why did you break up? Was it a long term relationship?

[Irishgurl]

Day 5: Today I woke up in tears again. I was crying so hard in the shower I just trembled... no matter how hot the water was, I was just shaking. I made an appointment in an hour to see my counsellor.. I'm hoping she can help me through this. I can't live like this... no one can. I look like a rack of bones but I can't find the strength to eat.

 

I took the dog for a walk & cried the whole way. *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* is wrong with me?? I used to be a strong 26 year old & now I feel like a weak child. This has robbed me of any happiness I once had.

 

I don't really want to get into what happened right now... it hurts me too much to talk about it. I'm sorry.

 

Thanks for all your support... I will get through this... just need to work on it day by day. I didn't throw up this morning so thats a start..

 

Is love really worth the pain when it ends?? I opened up for the first time to someone and my heart is broken... how am I ever going to open up again?? I'm just devastated... completely & utterly devastated.

[Hope75]

Irishgurl,

 

I know it's really tough to eat when you are grieving and your heart is broken. It's important that you get your calories and protein any way you can. Being sick on top of this is only going to make things tougher.

 

If you can, try to eat some plain yogurt, or drink some Ensure or Carnation instant breakfast drinks. They have lots of protein and calories, and tend to go down a little easier than solid food.

 

I'm glad you are going to see a doctor. Let us know how it goes.

 

If and when you feel ready, you can tell us what happened.

 

Hope

[WyseOne]

Irishgurl, I am so sorry you had a rough morning.

 

I hope you are ok, I am worried. I would like to hear about your session. You know where to find me. Keep your head up, I know you can get through this.

 

Hey, thanks for the offer the other day that was very nice of you. You are such a wonderful caring person and I am looking forward to talking to you again.

[ZoeMatthews]

Irishgurl...just wanted to give you a ((((((((HUG)))))). You are describing me about two weeks ago...I am still very sad.

 

I know its impossible for you to believe this now, but things will get better... to quote Mr. Morgan Freeman from the movie "Deep Impact". "LIFE WILL GO ON".

 

Grieve all you want, but make sure to snap out of it enough to know that this individual hurt you and does not deserve your tears.

 

Love

 

Zoe

[Irishgurl]

Update: Ok so this evening I had an epiphony.... He doesn't deserve someone like me. I didn't lose my best friend... HE LOST HIS. My counselling session was incredible... she opened my eyes to so many things and when I left her office... I was able to take what she said and get to work on healing myself.

 

She said it was ok to start being angry and look back on the things that weren't so great in the relationship. Well, I started to look back and he took away my confidence and made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough. He was always asking me to change into someone I was not and I don't deserve that. A person should love someone for who they are... not for someone who they want them to be.

 

For the time we were together, he made me feel so badly about myself and took away any happiness I once had. He turned it around & made me feel like everything was my fault. He doesn't deserve to be able to keep taking away my confidence after the fact that he left me. He doesn't deserve to be happy while I sit there & cry and throw up and wish I was back in his arms.

 

I am going to take this step to move on & realize that I am better off without him. There is a guy out there who will love me for ME... and not for what he hopes I will be. I deserve to be happy & I am not going to sit here & mope around anymore.

 

I took the day off work today and after my session, I went and hung out with my best friend. After that, I went for a long walk with an old friend. I realized that I felt more alone when I was with my bf than I do now without him. I have all the support and love I need from my friends. I don't need someone who would rather hurt me than respect me.

 

Tomorrow I am going back to work and I am going to go on with my life. This is his loss... I am a wonderful, beautiful person with a big heart and I don't deserve to cry anymore. He can't take that away from me ANY LONGER.

[ZoeMatthews]

YES!!

 

Be positive!!

 

That is exactly what I said to my ex...

 

I said,"one day you going to realize that I was the best thing that happened in your life".

 

Good for you Irishgurl!!

 

(((HUGS))))

 

Z.

[Irishgurl]

Thanks girl! I feel good...

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I just wanted to send a quick post to tell you that I hope you are still feeling GOOD..your original post touched me very deeply ...and i totally understand where you are at... and its ok!!

 

I promise you 100% when you are healed from this ..you'll look back and almost be grateful it happened because you will have accomplished so much learning and growing about yourself.... you'll be amazed...

 

Keep a strong eye on the future.... and when you have your lows.... reach out!! We've all been through heartache in some form or another.

[Hawk]

Irishqurl - I guess there wouldn't be a person who visits this forum that doesn't feel your pain with you - at times you think that there is just no point in going on - but there is. My dear old grandma who is no longer once told me that everything happens for a reason - you just don't know at the time why. Great to read that you are feeling a little better - one of the joys of coming to this place is reading how people get stronger bit by bit.