is he worth it????

[thegirlfriend]

So, my bf and me broke up, but ever since we are talking about getting back together again. The thing is, I really have questions regarding his feelings for me. Let me tell you how everything began.

 

I met him and he instantly took my breath away. We datet for a while and then got together. Already in the beginning he said weird things but I thought, well, who knows, everybody has his weird side. For example: He doesn't work. Doesn't want to work. Says he is too good to work. Says why should I work now and make little money when I can make so much more money when I'm older and pay back my loans...

 

Because he doesn't work he doesn't like to spend money. We still went out a lot, but it was usually me who picked up the check... Because he doesn't have money he is sort of relaxed when it comes to cheating, stealing, sneaking, lying... And not only this, he defends it. He always says, "There is nothing wrong with lying and cheating."

 

About one week into our relatinoship the topic of children was brought up. he said, "If you got pregnant I wouldn't pay. I know too many women who live off the child support." I tried to explain him that there is no way a single mother can go to work if she has a toddler to take care off, so he said, "Well, just give the kid to me, I'll take care off him." So I asked how he wants to make a living and take care of a baby, and he said, "You don't need a lot of money for kids, you can always feed them rice and potatos."

 

I started to have my doubts...

 

One week later and TWO WEEKS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP one night he suddenly says, "Let me get you pregnant." Of course I said no, which really pissed him off. I told him how about building a relationship first and getting to know each other a little better, and he gets a job to support a family and then we talk about this again. He was pissed. Because of his non-working attitude I said, "I would want to see you working for a year first, before I have kids with you. I want to see that you can work." He was pissed as hell and I never saw the end of it.

 

For my birthday he send me a one-line e-mail. No card, no little present, and be it a wrapped box of chocolate, nothing. His excuse was, "That's how we are in my family. We don't give gifts."

 

A few ups and downs later I had to move because of my job, so he came with me and moved in with me. I am working, he is not, so before he moved in I said that I think it is fair if he did half of the housework. He said, he didn't see why he should help me. After all, if I was living alone I would have to do all the work alone, too...

 

So he moved in, and this was the beginning of the end. I was working, he was idling, and in the evening I would come home, totally exhausted to find him well rested after two-hour naps. I would be the one who made dinner (him: "You cook so much better than me, I don't know how to cook"), and then I usually only had one wish: go to bed and sleep. But not with him. He had all day long to get himself horny, and in the evening he wanted sex. He didn't care if I was tired. He would yell at me until I spread my legs.

 

No making love, just him cumming... This of course didn't make me want more sex... He would say, "I'm sorry, I'm just to horny." So i said, why don't you jerk off like all guys?" He said, "Because I don't want to jerk off. I'm on a non-jerking-off policy. I'm saving that sh*t for you..." After sex I would be crying, asking him why he gets like this. So he would say, "I get aggressive when I don't get my sex. I'm sorry, but my sex drive gets the better of me."

 

He would always complain about me to everybody: his family, his friends... They probably think I'm a monster. He would tell them that I always get mad. Well, who wouldn't get mad when your boyfriend tells you, "Every real man has a mistress..."

 

And since he chose not to make money he didn't want to spend money either. One night after a fight when I said it's about over, he said, "I want to make up for everything." I said, "Ok, prove it. Take me out. Take me out to my favorite noodle-restaurant, one noodle soup costs 5 bucks." And guess what he said. He looked at me and said, "Can't we go some place cheaper?"

 

So I said, that's it. Our relationship is not worth 5 bucks. Go look for a girl who will put up with that. And only after that he suddenly came to his senses. Told me how much he loved me... Took me out for a real nice dinner two nights in a row... Gave me great sex...

 

But he went back to his parents (he doesn't have a place of his own since he doesn't have the money to afford it because he doesn't want to work...). I cooked pancakes the last morning, gave him sex, took him to the airport, and he turned around and said, "I love you." I said, "ok, if you love me call me." He never called. Just sends me nasty hate-mails. Or no mails at all. Asks me o quit my job and come back to NY to be with him NOW (does he have any idea what a job means???). But funnily enough everytime we talk on the phone (I call, because I can't stand it any longer), we talk about getting back together.

 

But it is always me who says I love you. He never says it back, he will just say, "How do you love me?" or, "So if you love me, when do you come back to NY?" We broke up like 4 weeks ago, and in that time he didn't send me not one nice mail. He didn't call me once, it's always me who calls. He never said I'm sorry. I apologized to him for the mistakes I made, but he just won't do it. He says, "That's how we are in my family, we don't apologize..."

 

So I wonder: IS HE WORTH IT???????????

[Itsok]

Um what? NO, he's not worth it! Trust me on this one, leave this guy alone! He's a useless good for nothing who will never work, always take advantage of you, and be a moron the rest of his life.

 

can em! Never look back! If you go back, you'll be going through the same thing over and over again forever. Forget it! Walk away knowing you still have some dignity.

[polaris]

Run, run fast, and run hard. The guy isn't just selfish and irresponsible, but is actually disturbed IMO. Too good for work? Sounds like he's delusional.

 

Regardless, he hasn't shown himself to be capable of the massive changes needed for any relationship to have a realistic chance of working, so walking away is honestly all you can do to limit the damage. If it'll make you feel better, you can set clear goals for him to demonstrate that he's changed, but personally I think that would be unwise because it will result in your hanging around forever waiting for him to try and reach them. Better to move on now. I know you love him, but believe me, there are millions of better guys out there, that will make you happier in the end.

[Trax]

Forget this guy. This guy is very immature and selfish. He does not know how to treat a woman. You're the one putting in all of the effort here. Go to NC immediately and never look back. Believe me you can and will find so much better than this guy. Good luck.

[RandomAdvisor]

I started to have my doubts...

At that point, you should have turned in the other direction, started running, and never looked back!

 

No, this man is definitly NOT WORTH IT. He is a template of everything you DON'T want from a relationship. He has no problem with lying or stealing, or even defending them. And on top of that, he is lazy and ungrateful. I'd recommend IMMEDIATE NC. Block his e-mails, and stop taking his callers. This guy is a loser with a capital "L" if I ever heard of one before.

[thegirlfriend]

The thing is, I sometimes understand where he is coming from. He's had a rough childhood, and when he says "that's how we are in our family," then this is true. They ARE rude, don't apologize, ect. However, he doesn't seem to notice that there is something wrong with that. He acts like I'm the bitch when I complain about stuff like this. I wonder if he thinks that other girls will put up with that.

 

I would want him to change, to became normal, cause when he's normal he is sooooo nice. But half of the time is isn't... But I cannot make a person change, can I?

[RandomAdvisor]

No, you can't make a person change. And don't go apologizing for him either. Understanding why he is the way he is is one thing, but that still doesn't change the fact that you should leave him ASAP. Before you met this man, did you ever think that your Mr.Right would be an admitted and proud liar and a thief? I'd bet quite the opposite.

[supradynbunny]

May I ask? What attracted you to him? He certainly didn't know how to give you respect, let alone treat you like a person.

[thegirlfriend]

He is funny and easy-going (the extent of which I only discovered later..) But he is nice and funny to be with. Plus, he is really slim, and I'm into slim guys. Later I found out he is anorexic....

 

I don't know, the chemistry was just right. We went sort of on a blind date (the university paired us up together for a project) and the next time I looked at my watch we had talked three hours... When we first started to have sex he was really affectionate and gentle and cute. He's a terrible kisser, but that just made us laugh

[thegirlfriend]

When you first meet somebody you can hide your bad sides pretty well. I was suspicious, but he was so nice and cute and funny...

 

But he already told me the next girl he goes out with he won't tell her that he doesn't want to work... I'm just curious for how long he can hide this fact...

[supradynbunny]

Well, my friend once said, "Once there's a crack in a relationship, it will never be sealed".

[supradynbunny]

Also, what does "NC" mean? Everyone seems to be mentioning that in the forums.... sorry I'm quite new to this.

[RandomAdvisor]

Heh. I guess we take it for granted that the new people don't know what NC means. NC = No contact. A lot of people seem to have trouble with the concept, but it's really quite simple. No contact means...no contact. It means you don't call them, text them, e-mail them, or make any attempt to contact them whatsoever. At the same time, you ignore and block all their attempts. You don't pick up the phone when they call, you ignore their e-mails, text messages, etc. etc.

[thegirlfriend]

He just emailed me asking me to get together again. What should I do? I can't seem to do NC, I just can't. I always find myself calling him or emailing him...

Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance?

[supradynbunny]

A second chance? But do you seriously think you deserve to be treated like that? All the things you explained in your post. Do you want him to treat you like that?- Of course not. No one deserves to be treated like that, no matter how funny or sweet he is.

 

It all may be a facade.

He knows he's got you wrapped round his finger. And you know that you are on another league. You're better than him. And you can do so much better. Why go for second best? You have to be strong and be true to yourself.

[supradynbunny]

I know what it's like to be emotionally attached to someone. And letting go of that attachment and accepting it. I myself am trying to let go. I'm afraid of finding someone again whom I really care and love as much as I did with my ex. "Love is blind" but you need to see the clearer picture here.

You have to be optimistic. He's not the only man in the world.

[RandomAdvisor]

Someone deserves a second chance only if they have admitted what they did was wrong, and sincerely apologized. This guy isn't apologetic at all. NO HE DOESN'T DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE. Here's the most important question you can ask yourself.

 

Why did you let this man use you? And why are you even considering letting him use you again?

[redandblack]

No. He is NOT worth one second of your time.

 

Your story made me sad! Stay away from this guy. You deserve SO much better. The fact that you put up with this is incredible, but it shows how good of a person you truly are.

 

Seriously, never talk to this guy again. He is obviously extremely selfish, non-trustworthy, mean and exploitave. Don't idealize him! You are not his slave, but that's how he treats you!

 

Really, stay away from him. Delete his contacts on messengers, never answer his calls (block them if you must), don't read or answer his emails, etc. Do whatever it takes. You are a loving and caring person who could easily find someone who would return the love you give. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

 

Take care!

[eddie500]

First off I'm surprised about everybodies hasty comments about just dropping the guy so quickly. Altough we are hearing only one side of the story lets look at some of your points.

YES I'm defending the guy here becuase I was just dumped by a girl who I LOVE.

 

"He doesn't work. Doesn't want to work. Says he is too good to work. Says why should I work now and make little money when I can make so much more money when I'm older and pay back my loans"

 

OK, there are a lot of people living an alternative lifestyle and don't want to work at unhealthy jobs or jobs they don't like. These people would rather enjoy life and family than sitting in an office 10 hours a day. I'm sure he would work at a job he likes. I'm also sure that he will support himself and a famliy when the time arrises. You met at the university, so he has a university degree? He worked many years to get that degree..

 

 

"If you got pregnant I wouldn't pay. I know too many women who live off the child support."

Well maybe he is saying, or its a common saying, so many women take men for a lot of money in divorces. Men talk all the time about paying huge sums of money after a divorce to the wife, way more money then she could spend on the child. She then uses this tax-free money to have fun with her new lover. I think almost all men have something to say about paying child support.. and getting forced to pay it by a judge doesn't help. WOuld most of these complaining men really let their kid starve.. NO, they would always provide for the kid.. But they don't necessarily want to provide for the wife who left him for another lover.

And I also find it suspicions that he would of just said this out of the blue, did you mention something about him paying child support if you got pregnant or something?

 

he suddenly says, "Let me get you pregnant."

This to me shows that he must of really loved you a lot. Especially knowing that he would have to pay for this kid no matter what.. How many guys worst nightmare is getting a girl pregnant?

 

For my birthday he send me a one-line e-mail. No card, no little present, and be it a wrapped box of chocolate, nothing.

I thought it was the thought that counts?

 

A few ups and downs later I had to move because of my job, so he came with me and moved in with me.

You question his feelings, and he came to move in with you after you moved? Honestly, I don't see many people who would move to a different area, you mentioned airport.. so this must of been a mojor move.

 

So he moved in, and this was the beginning of the end. I was working, he was idling, and in the evening I would come home, totally exhausted to find him well rested after two-hour naps.

 

OK, so he had to move with you because your job had to move you. Did you expect him to find a job and start working right away? Was he idling where you lived before? Did he have a life in the new place? I have personally moved a few times.. and its not easy in the beginning, especially when you don't have friends yet.

 

and then I usually only had one wish: go to bed and sleep. But not with him.

So lets get this straight, he moves with you becuase your job took you elsewhere. HE made this sacrifice. Then you work all day and come home and want to go to bed and sleep.. then you say "but not with him". I think I can understand him not being so happy about his situation.

Many people go to work and come home... they then have no problems to do things with their partner.

Good example, I"m living with someone that works 7 days a week.. when he comes home late in the afternoon he has no trouble spending quailty time with his girlfriend and has no trouble going to bed with them.

 

No making love, just him cumming... This of course didn't make me want more sex... He would say, "I'm sorry, I'm just to horny." So i said, why don't you jerk off like all guys?" He said, "Because I don't want to jerk off. I'm on a non-jerking-off policy. I'm saving that *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED* for you..." After sex I would be crying, asking him why he gets like this. So he would say, "I get aggressive when I don't get my sex. I'm sorry, but my sex drive gets the better of me."

LEts see, you say all you wanted to do was go to sleep after work. Most guys have sex drives, and from what I know most women don't have a problem usually having sex once a day. You 2 weren't even married yet, how long have you been dating? you said your wish is is to go to bed after work. Did you work anything out with him?

Better question, how often did you have sex? Did you deny him sex for 5 days a week when you worked?

 

I apologized to him for the mistakes I made

Now what are these mistakes? YOu only mentioned the bad stuff he did.

 

He would always complain about me to everybody: his family, his friends... They probably think I'm a monster. He would tell them that I always get mad.

lets see, what was some of the stuff he was complaining about? Form my experience when I hear someone complaining they usually do it becuase they are not happy about something. You said you made mistakes, what were they?

 

 

Also you never mentioned that you were supporting him, you were just not happy about him spending money on you (taking you out and presents). So did you support him or did he pay his own way?

 

He just emailed me asking me to get together again. What should I do? I can't seem to do NC, I just can't. I always find myself calling him or emailing him...

Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance?

 

Its obvious then that your still in love with him, and he must be in love with you if HE is asking to get back together with you. YOu still seem obviously interested in him and can't let him go. He must also not be so bad or you would of walked away from him and wouldn't even consider giving him a second chance.

You also said you can't do NC, becuase your still in love with him.

 

WHy should you lie to yourself, and force yourself away? He is even asking to get together again. Just go read some of the posts about people doing NC. THey are doing NC becuase they can't get back with the partner. Turst me any of those people doing NC would go back with their partner in a second if they asked for them back.

Again, you gave him sex on the last day. you still love him, he wants to get back together with you. THen just go for it and stop trying to look for reasons against what you feel really deep down.

[eddie500]

This makes not much sense what your trying to say. FIrst off, your girlfriend told you she needs a break from you? That is just a nice way of telling you, she is totally not attracted to you anyomre, and she wants to dump you nicely. GIrls don't need space from guys they are in love with. Did you ever need space from any girls that you were in love with?

 

Also, you call this guy a loser, but how much of a loser is he becuase this girl is actually still interested in the guy. All guys are going to have some bad things about them, all guys are not going to do everything perfect.

[eddie500]

I know what it's like to be emotionally attached to someone. And letting go of that attachment and accepting it. I myself am trying to let go. I'm afraid of finding someone again whom I really care and love as much as I did with my ex. "Love is blind" but you need to see the clearer picture here.

You have to be optimistic. He's not the only man in the world.

 

You wrote this in a past thread.

I've just recently broken up with my b/f of 6yrs, and he still wants to be friends, but I can't. I still have strong feelings for him, and I can't stand there and "just be friends", when I still love him so much, and he doesn't love me anymore... I have to get away from it all. Totally cut all connections for my heart to heal. At the moment I'm trying to surround myself with friends and just focusing on my studies just to keep my mind occupied, but it's difficult when you're lying awake in bed at night... All I could think of is him...and that's the only time he comes to mind.... and I sadly, just cry myself to sleep....

 

 

Wouldn't it be so much nicer to just be back with him. LIke she is asking, "is he worth it".

Is your ex worth it even with all his problems?

 

Is it worth it to lie to yourself every day or find reasons not to be with the person you love? She is obvisouly confusd becuase she is trying to fight love. IF she didn't love him, she wouldn't even write this post.

I

[eddie500]

He just emailed me asking me to get together again. What should I do? I can't seem to do NC, I just can't. I always find myself calling him or emailing him...

Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance?

 

SO what did you tell him? And your reasons for accepting/rejecting getting back together with him.

[supradynbunny]

Wouldn't it be so much nicer to just be back with him. LIke she is asking, "is he worth it".

Is your ex worth it even with all his problems?

 

Is it worth it to lie to yourself every day or find reasons not to be with the person you love? She is obvisouly confusd becuase she is trying to fight love. IF she didn't love him, she wouldn't even write this post.

I

 

That's the thing, I want to be back together with him, but he doesn't. So if he's wanting to move on, then I have to. We've broken up before in the past, and each time is difficult. More so, because we've been together for so long. If he were to turn around to me and say he wanted me back, I would probably be foolish in taking him back, because he's done it to me twice before- just dumped me, and he would probably do it again at a later point, when he's tired of me or bored of me. I've come to realise that he doesn't know what he wants, and after all these years, he really isn't ready for a mature relationship.

[thegirlfriend]

OK, there are a lot of people living an alternative lifestyle and don't want to work at unhealthy jobs or jobs they don't like.

Yes, actually I know some. And guess what, they support themselves. He on the contrary lives at his parents, eats the food his parents buy, wears the clothing his parents buy, showers with the water his parents pay for, drives a car his parents pay the repairs for...

 

 

These people would rather enjoy life and family than sitting in an office 10 hours a day.

Yes, exactly his plan. And guess what his plan was for me. I should be the one to bring home the bacon. I tried to explain that I cannot have a child and support the family at the same time. You know what he said? He said, "Why not. Look at these black girls. They pop out kids all the time and go dancing right afterwards..."

 

 

I thought it was the thought that counts?

Yes, and his thought was evil. He later admitted he PURPOSELY didn't do anything for my birthday because I forget why. Because I didn't mention "I love you" often enough in my e-mails or something like this...

 

 

Did you expect him to find a job and start working right away?

There were people basically begging him to work for them because he had the qualification they needed. But he said he doesn't feel like it...

 

Was he idling where you lived before?

YES. As I was saying, he doesn't want to work... He didn't do anything all day long. Except for playing computer games or emailing me at work...

 

I'm living with someone that works 7 days a week.. when he comes home late in the afternoon he has no trouble spending quailty time with his girlfriend and has no trouble going to bed with them.

Maybe your roommate treats his girlfriend like a lady to begin with? Takes her out for example? Doesn't yell at her when she doesn't feel like sex? Plus, it is not like we never had sex....

 

Most women don't have a problem usually having sex once a day.

And most guys don't have a problem jerking off.... What????? Women who work hard have sex every day? Think again. I'd like to meet the wome you know LOL

 

 

You said you made mistakes, what were they? YOu only mentioned the bad stuff he did.

I apologized to him. Sincerely. Several times. He doesn't seem to hear it. He on the other hand is "totally unapologetic" as someone put it in this thread. He doesn't think there is something he did wrong. Can you believe that????

 

 

Also you never mentioned that you were supporting him, you were just not happy about him spending money on you (taking you out and presents). So did you support him or did he pay his own way?

WHAT??????? Why should I support him???? Yes, I was the one paying 100% of the rent, the utility bills, the food most of the time we went out... He would pay for his computer stuff and SOMETIMES chip in to pay the groceries

 

 

Its obvious then that your still in love with him, and he must be in love with you if HE is asking to get back together with you.

I think he has no clue what love is. I'm just convenient for him...

[busted85]

This makes not much sense what your trying to say. FIrst off, your girlfriend told you she needs a break from you? That is just a nice way of telling you, she is totally not attracted to you anyomre, and she wants to dump you nicely. GIrls don't need space from guys they are in love with. Did you ever need space from any girls that you were in love with?

 

Also, you call this guy a loser, but how much of a loser is he becuase this girl is actually still interested in the guy. All guys are going to have some bad things about them, all guys are not going to do everything perfect.

 

Thats a good one jerky, if your really that interested, we are on a break because our month long relationship got too intense and i agree somewhat. Unfortunately for you a) she IS still heavily attracted to me and b) your ex isnt attracted to you. Oh and not rubbing it in but you've acted a bit of a dic"k so c) theres no chance your getting back with your ex, whereas when i saw my chick yesterday, she missed me and said some good things. Its looking good. Im sorry for you, but stop acting like a vindictve swine.