Resentment for an abusive sibling.

[FoxLocke]

Hi,

 

When I was growing up my older brother(who is 15 years older than me)was very emotionally and physically abusive to me.

 

He started being abusive towards me when I was about 11 or 12 years old. Mind you, when I was 11 he was 26. This was not a sibling rivalry, this was an adult/child situation...

At the time he still lived at home with me and my mother and then step dad.

I don't know what it was about me, but he seemed to hate my guts. He would pick me up and throw me accross the room, punch me(but he would make sure to never hit me where anyone could see bruises), and hold me down and yell in my face until I could feel spittle hitting me...I had to walk around on eggshells around him. At the time my mother was scared of him too...My brother was(and still is)very abusive to women. He has beaten his last two ex-wives and they both left him...

 

Around this time I was a teenager and very sad and depressed...So naturally I had mood shifts. And whenever my mom and I would get into an argument about something he would make it his business to "discipline" me...And I know, in hindsight, he was only taking out his rage on me...

 

However, this is no longer the issue...

 

Today, I am physically repulsed by my brother. Even though it has been years since his abuse took place I don't have any feelings for him...I used to love him and I used to hate him...But now I don't feel anything. But when I see him the feelings of fear and anxiety come over me like a flood.

I can't even stand looking at him and being in the same room with him.

 

My brother is EXACTLY the same. He has not changed...He can't stand confrontation, and the moment he is confronted he lashes out and hits(ironically, he never hits anyone outside of his family and wives)...

 

I think I have this psychological thing with my brother, and I hate the way that I feel when I am around him. I can't stand my brother and he repulses me...And I am almost ashamed of myself for admitting this.

 

Is this normal? And what can I do to overcome this?

[fromfaraway]

I don't know what it was about me, quote]

 

There was nothing wrong with you. HE WAS THE ONE to blame. Abuse effects the victims perspective on the issue and make them believe that they somehow deserved it.

 

Bringing it up is the first step for recovery...

 

Good luck for you

[RooferGirl23]

not at all. its very normal to resent, even hate, the people your supposed to love. You did NOTHING to deserve the abuse you got. he is a sour person with a sour soul. You dont need these types of peeps in your life, family or not.

[darkblue]

No - you do not need someone who treated you so badly in your life.

But it is family and blood is suppose to be, thicker than water.

 

It is up to you what you do about your relations.

Of whether or not you can put up with it.

 

I understand why you feel the guilt. You feel like you have to forgive and forget, or even stop feeling bitter because he is family.

But the truth is, he is just human - brother or not.

 

There was a period whereby I did not speak to my brother for over a year.

I still have little communication with him because I do not like who he is; as a brother, nor a person.

 

Stop feeling guilty because of his problems and how he unrightfully treated you.

 

Are you often put in situations where you must see him?

Could you not see him, if you so wished?

[Dannysgirl]

Hi Foxlocke,

 

I know how you feel, I underwent the same kind of abuse from my brother when we were growing up. He is 30 and I am 27 now. His abuse of me was not just 'sibling rivalry' either. He used to tell me constantly how ugly I was, how I would never amount to anything and nobody would ever love me and that had a much deeper effect that the physical abuse whenever my parents were out. The abuse came to a head one day why I was doing HIS chores, (as well as my own) I was drying the dishes and he walked in and just wacked my as hard as he could accross my face. I snapped and turned around putting the kitchen knife against his throat saying 'touch me again and I will kill you!' He obviously saw something in my eye that told him I wasn't joking and from then on the physical abuse stopped, although he would still be as verbally nasty to me as he could.

 

I now comfort myself with the fact that despite all of his predicitons for my future not one of them came true. I am very happily married to an amazing guy who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, I have a good job a lovely home that i've always wanted and we have a great life together.

 

My brother on the other hand is still living in the black hole of a village that we grew up with with my mother, he has a girlfriend that beats him up and a dead end job. So I ask you, who's laughing now?

I never see my brother anymore as I emigrated to another country but when I was around him I just ignored him completely. I don't plan on giving him the time of day if I ever see him again he's simply not worth my time or my energy. Believe me I hated my brother for a long time but I don't feel much of anything now apart from pity. I do however take great pleasure in the fact that he is such a loser now so perhaps there is still a little bitterness there.

 

Have you tried confronting your brother about his behaviour? I never did with my brother because I really don't think he cares about ANYONE but himself. I would concentrate hard on being successful and live well, showing him that you're doing well despite all of him statements to the contrary.

[FoxLocke]

Thank you for responding to my thread everyone...

I do feel guilty for despising my brother simply because he is family. It's mainly because of my mother that I've tried to get along. But now I don't give a damn. My brother has burned too many bridges with me, and I don't WANT a relationship with him. Infact, I don't care if I ever have anything to do with him ever again. I am a better person when I'm not around him. Were he anyone else I would wipe my hands and be done with him. Unfortunately, at family gatherings and etc...I have to see him, and my family is all about keeping up appearances. Everyone wants to pretend they are okay, but we really aren't...But I am tired of playing along to get along.

 

As it is now I have little to no communication with him. I'm a full-time college student, who works the rest of the time, and right now I'm in a small apartment near my mom's house. She is helping me pay rent until I graduate next year. I visit her frequently, but whenever I'm there and he happens to drop by(which isn't that often, because he is so self centered and self absorbed that he can't even think to call his own mother on the phone) I grab my keys and drive my car around for and hour or so.

 

Growing up I tried to do everything that I could to win his approval. I would babysit his son(when I was only 12 or 13 years old)every summer I was out of school, clean his bedroom, and even wash his car. But it seemed like the more I tried to get along with him the more he treated me like garbage. He even tried harder to forge a relationship with my ex-Step brother than he did me.

 

Once, my mother started taking me to a psychiatrist because I was becoming increasingly withdrawn and isolated(well...duh...I had a monster in the house with me). Even then I tried to protect him. I didn't utter a word to my psychiatrist because I was so scared I would be responsible for him going to prison. That is how messed up I was...Had I had the mindset then that I have now I would have sang like a canary.

 

I could forgive my brother if he actually changed and was sincere. But he is still the same animalistic, boarish, SOB that he has ALWAYS been.

The only thing I can compare my brother to is the incredible Hulk.

I swear he is bipolar, because there is no medium with him. Everything is just extreme. One minute he can be really happy, jolly and jovial(which is just a big front to impress everyone) and the next he is literally RAGE personafied...and I am not exxaggerating.

He cannot be confronted with the truth about himself without flying into a rage. He will scream and yell until the point of his eyes becoming blood shot and foam spewing out of his mouth. As far as I am concerned he looks possessed by satan...

 

The straw that broke the camel's back for our relationship was when, recently, he bought my mother a new television set. To make a long story short I had to help him bring it into the house. Well as we were moving into the house my bare arm got caught in the door way while I was holding the television set. Well it hurt really bad and I yelled out for him to hold on for a second, because he continued ramming the television through the doorway as if he were doing it on purpose...

The moment I told him to stop he flys into a rage and starts calling me every M.F. and F___Ker in the book. He kept threatening me that he was going to drop the television and punch me in the mouth and all that...Mind you this was recently. Even though the physical abuse ended some years ago the verbal never stopped...and my brother will be physically abusive with anyone in the family...

We finally got the television inside and I grabbed my keys, and before I left I told him that I hated him and I wished that he would die.

(Note: This echange came after my brother apologized for the umpteenth time after he verbally or physically abused me...Every apology he has given me has been more hollow than the last...)

 

That last exchange was several months ago, and we have hardly uttered a sincere word to each other since. He knows I despise him, but we keep up this front to make everything look good...I have tried talking to him, but when I talk to him I can't even look at him. He, literally, physically repulses me.

 

I recently told my mother that I do hate him....Of course my mother tells me I need to pray about it (that main reason I have felt so guilty is because I come from a christian background, and I'm just now allowing myself, at my age, to have a voice)...But I told her even if I find it in my heart to completely forgive him I still want nothing to do with him.

 

I guess I feel guilty because I never thought I had the capacity to hate someone, much less my brother. But he has done everything possible to destroy any semblance of a relationship. Whenever I don't see him I don't miss him. I love who I am when I am not around him. I don't care if I don't ever see him. I always felt ashamed of this....but knowing that all of you have been through the samething helps me tremendously...

 

Oneday, maybe, something positive can come of this...But as far as I'm concerned I'm better off without him in my life.

[summer_in_greece]

The best thing is to ignore him and forget about him. Don't let negative feelings for your brother hijack your mind. I am sure you have much better things to think about. Just avoid your brother as much as possible, and just try to forget about him. THink about the good times, and forget the bad times.

[darkblue]

You are better off without him in your life.

 

Maybe if he did sincerly change and approach you with guilt of his inconsiderate actions - you could progress into forgiving him.

 

Do you, or have you thought about - seeking therapy for the trauma he has inflicted on your life?

[yeawutever]

That's sad to hear, and worst is he doesn't change his ways, he's still the same. Yea, I guess I would have felt the same if I was in ur shoes. Ever try going to counseling or seeking a therapy cuz he's been abusing you for a long time, maybe he has problems of his own. People who abuse others tend to have a very low-self esteem and they do that in order to look like they're under control, when they're not. They're trying to recompensate wut they don't have. Yea like the other post say, don't contact ur brother, u don't have to play the "play to get along" rule, it's not good, cuz now since ur an adult and play that, on one of these days out of intease anger, u might end up doing something to him that u'll regret, cuz now u can fight back if he were to hit u again. So yea, avoid contact.

[FoxLocke]

Actually, I really would like to get therapy...I want to speak to a psychiatrist about this because it is something I've held onto for a long time...

However, I can't really afford one. Are there alternatives to getting therapy that aren't so expensive?

 

Also, I do agree with all of you that I should just keep him out of my life. It would be better that way. Because when I am away from him I don't even think about him, mostly.

 

The main reason I've posted this message is because the holidays are coming up, and I am very amibvalent about attending altogether...If he comes I will probably go out to eat with a friend or something. I just feel better not being around him.

[darkblue]

Then stay out of his company.

 

I have no idea how the American health service works - maybe an American member with knowledge can help with that issue.