He says I am not there for him when he needs me

[snowgirl]

My husband is depressed, but has not received a diagnosis yet. It was a struggle to get him to agree to go to counseling, but thank God he has started. He has been good lately, but had an episode the other day that threw him into a depressive state for about 24 hours. It is horrible when he gets like this. He has anxiety and shakes, and does not speak to me, he gets annoyed with me and gives me one word answers. He gets up and leaves the room when I go in and try to talk to him and hug him. He sits up all night and stares at the ceiling, and yells at me that I should just go to bed and not worry about him. I can't sleep when he is like that. I sat up all night in bed and cried. It's extremely painful to have him speak to me like that, and I end up sobbing for hours on end. It hurts and sends ME into anxiety. It's starting to erode at me. It's not a good thing.

I am happy he is in counseling.

This episode was triggered by a doctor's visit. We both had appointments, he went first. Something that happened in the room freaked him out, and he got up and walked out. He told me that he didn't have any confidence in the Dr and he was leaving, and that I could go in if I wanted to. I told him okay, then go home and I will call when I am done and you can pick me up.

Afterward, I went out and he was in the car, he waited for me. He was in an extremely agitated state and yelled at me for going in when he needed me. He told me that I should have known that he needed me, and that he was furious with me for seeing the doctor, and that his opinion of the guy apparently doesn't matter to me.

He calmed down after a while, and told me later (when he started speaking to me again, it took a whole day) that he can't count on me to be there for him anymore when he needs me because it keeps happening. He named a couple of incidents where I left him when he needed me. I told him I didn't know, and he rolled his eyes and got mad at me. He said that he can't tell me if he needs me, I should be able to know when he is in a bad way. He is not taking any responsibility for himself.

I now live my life in terror that I am going to do something wrong and trigger him, because when he gets that way, it hurts me to the core. It makes me terrified so I can't function, and I have to deal with everything else in our lives, I do everything. Bills, money (he doesn't work), all of life's details. I

It gets worse for me every time he goes into his depressive states. I am hopeful because he is in counseling, FINALLY, but his sessions are only a half hour, and I do not believe a pill (he is eventually going to go on meds) will cure all of our ills.

 

Have any of you had an anxiety attack and depended on someone else to know when you needed them? Do you ever need someone else to help you through them or can you get through them yourself?

[Itsok]

Sorry but I feel you're being abused. You are showing all the symptoms, and he is using his depression as an excuse to abuse you. I'm disgusted for you.

 

Not to say that he might not be depressed. If he never has treated you like this up to now, then it's depression. If he has been this way all along, yelling and things like that, and now is depressed, he is just using his depression as an extra excuse to abuse you.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

Anxiety problems runs in my family and I too, have suffered from panic attacks with being agoraphobic (fear of the marketplace). When I have attacks, I want to be left alone, I don't want people making a fuss (it's embaressing and makes it worse), and just let me work it out myself. But everyone is different, I am stubborn and don't want people to fuss or feel sorry for me. Others want the sympathy and such. It depends on the person's personality.

 

My boyfriend suffers from depression and sometimes it's hard because he will get into these funks where he doesn't want to do anything. I will tell him, whenever you need me, just tell me. Most of the time he keeps quiet.

 

It sounds like your hubby has all the symptoms and the irriatibilty part he is having the most difficulty with. It is one of the criteria for the diagnosis. Maybe your hubby can see another doctor? Someone he can connect with. He obviously didn't connect with this other doctor and it happens. He needs to find someone he is comfortable with. Is he on meds now?

 

Maybe on your end, you can search the internet for support groups with loved ones with depression and finding as much info on it as you can. It might not hurt for you to see someone yourself for your own peace of mind and to educate yourself on how to help your husband. I am so sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you and let us know how you are doing.

[snowgirl]

Thanks for the replies. He just started going to this counselor, it took me since April to convince him to go. he has only had two half-hour sessions so far, and so far he likes the guy, I strongly believe he should stay. He is not on meds yet, he has not been thoroughly evaluated yet. They are just in the talking stage.

I agree, he is being abusive. I have posted here about that before. It hurts me more every time. In between his depressive eposides, we get along really well and adore each other. I don't get this. I don't deserve this, and he knows that. I am hesitant to let it all out and tell him how I feel though, because he has been suicidal, and has cited his abusing me as a reason he feels that way.

I did go to a counselor, I had three sessions with her. It was nice to bounce it off of someone else. She graduated me.

I think I need to hear from the perspective of someone else who is like my husband so I can understand. He tells me things, but I am afraid to tell him exactly how I feel so we don't communicate as well as we could.

I am sorry for rambling. I am normally a smart person. I know I am being really stupid now.

[loveydovey]

Oh my. I am so sorry you feel this way. I know I don't even know you, but I almost shed a tear for you. literally. I know how you feel. My boyfriend did the same thing last week. He was going through something and then once he told me about it (which took 2 weeks), it turns out it was about me. He said he felt alone and like he can't talk to me and blah, blah, blah. And then I started to cry because I was upset he was hurt and because I KNOW that I'm normally an attentive person. Well he did it again a couple of days later but this time it was about something else I did.

I don't know, its confusing to explain, but what you described sounds slightly similar to what I am experiencing. I also have had anxiety attacks...because of stress and frustrations caused by school, my relationships, and hurricane after effects. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Once, again, I'm sorry you are going through this pain, and with your husbanc at that.

[Bethany]

I don't think your being stupid at all. You sound like you care immensely and are trying to support your man best you can. He can't help the way he is at the moment and he really does need you and doesn't realize what he is putting you through because he is so wrapped up in his own suffering and trying to get out of it but he can't. He can't help the way he is, it's a personal battle with depression that makes him this way.