Finally starting NC from now on!

[patience]

he is jerking you around, stringing you along, sending mixed messages, and lying to you

 

is this the sort of "friend" you want? would you be friends with other people if they treated you like this?

[selfi]

you don't know if you should be responsive in hopes of getting back together or if you should remain somewhat detached to protect yourself and your heart

 

So what should I do then? respond or be detached?

 

Before my ex asked for me back we didn't have any contact for 4 or 5 days. No flirtations, no "signs" no nothing and that is the ONLY time he was seriously considering a relationship with me again.

 

So not even contact via text or email? Was this your reaction to him stringing you along? Did you show him that you were resentful of him while you were split, or did you only tell him how felt about his prior actions AFTER you two go back together?

[LiquidCherry]

So what should I do then? respond or be detached?

 

I would try my best to remain detached and here's why: If you are responsive you are also enabling him to string you along further. You don't have to pick up the scraps of affection he's throwing your way, you'll never be satisfied. Remain detached and you're showing him that you will not accept less than what you want from anyone, even him.

 

So not even contact via text or email? Was this your reaction to him stringing you along? Did you show him that you were resentful of him while you were split, or did you only tell him how felt about his prior actions AFTER you two go back together?

 

Most of our contact while we split was through email and also an online game we both play (City of Heroes!) so yes, during those days of NC it was truly NC rather than LC. I only contacted him twice so it was actually him that installed NC for that period of time. He took those days because he started to miss me and wanted to be sure that getting back together was the right thing to do.

 

I let him know I was angry for the way he was acting while we were still split up and while we were discussing getting back together. While we were split I told him that we weren't together anymore so he didn't have a right to say those kinds of things to me. I would tell him to stop and he would for a period of time and then I would tell him to stop again. For some reason he thought I was just in a bad mood and couldn't imagine that it had anything to do with him. But like I said, he just didn't have the same feelings I did so to him it was nothing.

 

There isn't anything you can do to get your ex back so you might as well look out for yourself and do what's best for you. If he is going to come back he will and you won't be the one putting your heart on the line. Responding to him won't make him come back just as remaining detached won't keep him from coming back. He's not looking out for you right now so you've got to do that yourself.

 

With all the heartbreak I've experienced in my life I've learned that hoping is often the most painful part of a break up. It keeps one from letting go and moving on. It keeps you in the very same place you were when they left you. Your brain thinks your heart will feel better if you just only get back together. Not being together hurts so much it is only a logical conclusion and thus we start to hope for the pain to go away by hoping our partner will return. This isn't the only way to feel better or mend a broken heart and so you simply cannot hold out for their return because you may in fact be hoping for the hopeless.

 

I don't want to discourage you because anything is possible and I don't have all the answers but I think it is important to do what is best for you. I have my opinions but only you know what you truly need.

[selfi]

LiquidCherry thankyou so much for all your insight so far.

I know there isnt anything I can do to get him back, just as there isnt anything right now that will make me fall out of love with him. Its so hard to deal with.

I had another conversation with him on the phone last night. I told him that he knows how I feel about him, he knows what I want out of this situation, and that seeing as though we are not together, is he open to doing strict NC for about 4 months (which is when we both go back to college so we will have no choice but to contact) That way, even though it will hurt, I will be able to well and truly move on. I told him that Its not fair that he is sending all these mixed signals. The texts messages arent fair because they confuse me etc. ..

 

He said it felt like I was giving him an ultimadem which I absolutely was not. All his answers involved "would that make you happy?" I told him to stop asking me that and for him to tell me what HE wants. He said he doesnt know. Then he started to cry. Then I said goodbye as I had to go out.

 

After I returned home that night, I found that he had sent me an EmAil.

(We were supposed to go out today to an Olive Festival)

 

Hello _ _ _, its me, _ _ _!

just wanna say sorry if we ended the convo on a flat note, we shouldn't

i know it ment a lot to you to go to the olive walkabout today

(tomorrow if ur a geek on the net late at night... like me),

and i'm sorry i can't go, so i thought i'd do my very best to

research all the goody goody info on OLIVES! YAY! YIPEE! i

will blow you away. T hings i bet you didn't know!

 

^the most part of this email was information he found on olives.

 

i hope you had a really good night out with the gang. you may

think "why did evan do this? to make me happy or for him?" i

did it for both of those reasons, i love knowing your happy,

and the thought of you bopping up and down on ur computer

chair and clappin your hands together and making the noise of

'hee-hee' or 'ho-ho' just brings a huge smile to my face and

happy tears to my eyes. i still remember when you would ask me

silly questions like 'pumpkin by itself or potato with

butter?" so i shall leave you with one aswell

a talking olive.... ohhh how cute, or.... a talkin egg....

will talk to you soon Rah, keep sharing your beautiful smile

with the world... or if u cant travel the world... just those

around you

 

 

 

Long post sorry. I cant help but feel like he shouldnt of sent this email either. I mean, when I read it it just makes me want to be with him even more. Is this just his guilt overiding his other emotions? Or do you think he may be confused as well?

[polaris]

In my view, it's a combination of guilt and confusion, with more of the former.

 

It's perfectly normal for the dumper to be confused, and obviously normal for them to feel guilty about it as well, and I imagine he thinks that by sending messages like that, he's making you feel better, and making things between you, such as they are, happy and alright, without needing to address the question of where exactly you're at, and what is going to happen regarding the future.

 

As long as you let him, he will continue to do this for a good while yet. The question is, do you want to put your life on hold while he remains edging towards the door, with an occasional smile flashed in your direction, or do you want to say "enough", and move on? Only you can make that choice, but you know in your heart that all the time you remain available to him, your feelings will not significantly improve, and he will not feel compelled to reach any sort of decision regarding you.

[LiquidCherry]

I'd have to say that I agree with polaris 1000%: guilty and confused and more guilty than confused at that. Obviously he still cares for you but I think that is the case in most situations, that the dumper still does care for the dumpee, but obviously his thoughts and feelings were clear enough so that he could make a decision. He is not confused about wether or not he wants to be with you but he may be confused about the feelings he still does have for you.

 

Again polaris is right. He told you in that email that he loves knowing you are happy. He knows he hurt you by ending the relationship and he probably really does think that by letting you know he still cares he is making you feel better and less rejected. But because he is not hurting in the same way you are he just can't seem to understand how he is in fact making this more painful for you in the long run.

 

You don't need to ask him if it is alright to enter a period of NC. If NC is what you need to heal and stop hurting who cares if he is happy about it or not? NC is not a threat or an ultimatum it is a tool for you to use. But there is an ultimatum you can give him that is fair in every way if you are still unsure about NC. (which I think you are) You can tell him to stop, that he must stop, and that you will not accept these words and gestures from someone who does not care enough about you to actually be with you.

[selfi]

thanks guys. part of me wishes he treated me like crap, then i would be able to get over him much easier. ive heard people say that they feel that the good outweighed the bad in their reltionship so thats why they still feel like they wamt them back. but with us there was no need to say that. we didnt have bad points like clingyness, verbal arguments etc. .. i still dont fully understand why he ended this. its been almost 2 months. but i know what i have to do:

 

You can tell him to stop, that he must stop, and that you will not accept these words and gestures from someone who does not care enough about you to actually be with you.

 

i will tell him exactly this.

[LiquidCherry]

He will be the second person to hear those words. It will let him know that you will be in his life only one way or another, as a girlfriend or as a friend, and you will not put up with him tugging on your heart strings and his confusion. Let me know how it ends up working out and I hope he respects your feelings and wishes.

[selfi]

He will be the second person to hear those words. It will let him know that you will be in his life only one way or another, as a girlfriend or as a friend, and you will not put up with him tugging on your heart strings and his confusion. Let me know how it ends up working out and I hope he respects your feelings and wishes.

 

 

we were on the phone and the conversation was going fine and we were planning to go out this week. then efore the convo ended i told him about how his mixed messages were confusing me

 

he said he had no idea what he was doing and that he isnt confused and just was doing what he thought was right. he got upset that all this time i was being confused by him and his affectionate behaviour. he said he didnt know any better.

 

then he said its best we dont talk to eachother anymore and that he doesnt see me this week.

 

im feeling really bad now, i find it almost impossible he had no idea what he was doing. i dont know if ill come back on this msgboard anymore, its wrong to post in the getting back together forum anyhow. im feeling so terrible. no more hope for me

[LiquidCherry]

If he is truly being honest, that he was doing that he thought was right and didn't know any better, then it sounds like the same situation is happening to you that was happening to me.. He just doesn't feel the same way about you as you do him and so he can't see how hurtful and confusing his words are. Though I find it almost impossible he had no idea as well because you have told him before but sometimes people are really thick headed.

 

I think it may be best to not speak with him either. Think about it. Rather than simply do as you requested and stop giving you mixed signals if you two are to remain in contact he would rather have NC. If he can't have you in his life the way he wants you to be (waiting and grabbing for his meager signs of affection)... Or perhaps he is doing a good thing. Maybe after you conversation he realized what he was doing and is trying to make ammends, by giving you the time you need to heal. You need this time, especially if you want to maintain a friendship with him in the future. I know that in time you will but I hope you feel better soon.

[selfi]

One of the worst parts of our talk yesterday was when he told me that that its true that even though he wants to care for me he doesnt love me enough to be with me...

 

I hope I feel better soon as well, because i feel like i have gone 10 steps backwards because im crying all over again. I held onto hope because basically apart from his mixed messages he told me to wait until school was over for him.

so this is the end...and why is NC important if i want to be his friend though?

[LiquidCherry]

You can't be friends with someone if your heart is still aching over them. Well, you could but it wouldn't be good for you. You would be left wanting more, hoping, and waiting and all those things can be very painful. If you take this time and heal you will be able to have a healthy friendship with him some time in the future.

 

I broke up with someone and broke his heart.. I wanted very much to be friends with him but he couldn't as he hurt too much and so we had NC for over 6 months. Once he moved on, found someone else, etc. he contacted me and we've been friends ever since; for almost 7 years now and I treasure his friendship more than any other.

 

In truth you haven't taken 10 steps backwards. I'm very sorry you had to hear what you did yesterday but he did make it clear that the hope you were holding onto was false. Letting go of that hope then is progress even if it is painful.

 

I know it probably won't be any consolation right now because there aren't any words to mend a broken heart but.. I've had my heart broken a few times in my life and every time is painful. BUT.. The love I find after heartbreak is ALWAYS better. I think it just keeps getting better every time until you find the love that's right, the kind that lasts and lasts.

[Hawk]

As hard as it is to believe, it is true that every time you break up and then move on to a new relationship that it does get better every time - I just wonder how many times it has to happen before you find true happiness - or is it just a dream?

[selfi]

I was in two minds about seeing him today for a day out. but of course i went anyway. it went fine. we went for breakfast, did a bit of shopping then lay down in the park together and finally had lunch

 

while we were out we did 'close' things; he gave me a massage, and CONTINUALLY flirted with me in a very forward and sexual manor, which, now that i think about it, was entirely inappropriate

 

i think its true though...i should wait before i can be his friend...im am 100% attracted to him, and its paining me to know that we arent with eachother...

 

i dont know why, but as i was in a clothes store changingroom today, i could hear the shop assistant asking him how long we've been dating for, and i begun to cry in the changing room, quitely, as he explained that we were not.

 

In conclusion it felt like a temporary fix; whilst out with him I felt fantastic, now as i sit here typing this i feel quite the opposite, i miss him, care for him but i dont think i should do this anymore.

[danylion]

Veritas, you're good! Wish you'd been around when I was dumped!

 

Keep up the good work!

[VeRiTaS]

RAH.... READY?

 

First, put your right hand out to your side palm up. Now, extend your left hand in the same manner, palm up.

 

Good! Now, relax. Put your hands to your side. Relax your head. Good.

 

Now stand there real still. Don't move a muscle. You are doing excellent!

 

Now, practice this a few times in the same steps. When you are very comfortable with it, I want you to move to a mirror. Before you do what we've learned, close your eyes and then repeat the steps above.

 

So, by this point, you should be in front of a mirror, after extending your hands with palms up, close your eyes. Now relax and and put your arms to your side.

 

Now, I want you to open your eyes! What do you see?

 

If you can't see it, I will tell you what your ex sees. He sees a puppet and he my dear RAH, is holding the strings. You are right where he wants you and you are doing it over and over again. Your ex is the puppetmaster and he is damn good at it! You both make a perfect team. He lures you in, sets the strings and then lets you go. When he wants you to perform, you are ready, willing and able! And what does it take? Not very much if you ask me.

 

Let me tell you what I see. I see your ex not willing to let go of you. This puppet is trained and he gets to play with it when he wants to. Why get rid of it? NO WAY! He is going to keep this puppet ready and waiting until he finds a better one to play with. Yes my dear RAH, this will happen.

 

You see my dear, I believe you weren't always a puppet. This man did have feelings for you. As a matter of fact, I would say he still does. However, after the breakup, you never stopped chasing. You never made him suffer the consequences of breaking up with you. He may have dumped you, but never lost you.

 

If you really want this guy back, you might have a chance. In order to do that, you have to cut those strings. By your posts, I don't think you can do that. To this point, you have been nothing but WEAK! YES, WEAK!

 

He has called your bluff everytime. You threaten him with NC and you have never held your end of the bargain. He knows this now. He knows you are too weak to keep to your word. In all honesty, he has probably lost a lot of respect for you. You tell him you are not going to speak to him, and all he has to do is send a SMS or call you up and you are back to being his good lil' puppet.

 

You know what was weak? I'll tell you. That lame email about the olive festival. And you fell for it. Ohhh.. how sweet! He stood me up for a day at the olive festival but did all this research on olives that probably took him a whole 10 minutes to google and put together. PATHETIC! You traded in hours at a festival with his company for a POS email. Then the lame excuse about how he couldn't call you becasuse he was sick! Hmmm... See a pattern here? I do and so does he.

 

Now, I will only tell you once. If you want this man back, stop being his plaything. Shut him out without telling him. I'm sick of hearing about him and his BS Rah texts and so should you. The weak shall perish! Remember this. You are looking for instant gratification. Take his leftovers now and you will regret it later. Or, you can be strong and lose the guy. I will tell you without giving you false hope, that you might have a chance. But judging by your past reactions to his string pulling, I don't think you are strong enough to resist the urge to do the dance when he starts calling. remember THIS: Your only hope to have him want you back is to get your diginity back and shut the door in his miserable face. YES. SLAM THE DOOR. You can do this by absolutely ignoring any contact by him. If you can be strong and do this, you just might get him back. Doing this will do more than all the words you have wasted. No MoRE warnings, no more threats to do NC. Slam the door now. 2 weeks without any contact by you will work wonders. 1 week will not be enough.

 

You will start seeing him feel like he is losing control in a matter of days. Give in at this time which I think you will do because you are weak, and your chances of ever getting him back drop to zero because it only proves you are too weak to ever gain control of the situation.

 

Now, you choose. If you really want him back, you will have to do the hardest thing you have done so far. TWO WEEKS RAH! Just two weeks and you will know where you stand

[LiquidCherry]

i dont know why, but as i was in a clothes store changingroom today, i could hear the shop assistant asking him how long we've been dating for, and i begun to cry in the changing room, quitely, as he explained that we were not.

 

You don't know why? Come on now. You tortured yourself. You got to pretend for just awhile that you had everything you wanted, that you weren't hurting and heartbroken but when faced with reality... I did the same thing to myself only I didn't cry quietly in a changingroom by myself, I made a complete fool out of myself. You'll end up doing that too if you remain at his beck and call.

 

You want to be with him. There are only two possible outcomes.. You will either end up getting what you want or you will move on and stop wanting. In the meantime you are not being fulfilled so why should he get what he wants? Why should he get to break up with you and still have you around only as he wants you when ever he wants? If he can't give you what you want all the contact he has with you is going to leave you aching.

 

When it comes to love and matters of the heart a label can mean everything. I'm sure your outing would have left you feeling wonderful if he had called you his girlfriend.

 

Don't accept less and don't sell yourself short. Don't have contact with him or anyone for that matter that will leave you hurting.

 

If he's going to come back it is NOT going to be because you waited around and remained eager and responsive. Being like this is just keeping you in a sad place anyway. Not having this unfulfilling contact with him won't cause you to feel any worse than you already do. In fact, it will help you feel better.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Selfi,

 

I hate to see anyone like this, I have been in the same spot as you. You are trying to justify his actions. You are making excuses for him. You are using NC as a tactic or game to get your ex to come back or to change his feelings. Games and tactic don't work, and will only end up hurting you more in the end. The only way your ex will come back is if he truly wants to. No games are going to change how he feels. Infact you are showing him that you are weak, by giving-in to him at his every wim. You are showing him everytime that you NEED him, which is very unattractive. Only when you don't need him and when you don't care what the outcome may be should you start answering him. Let him do the chasing. You have wound and it needs healing. It will never heal if you continuesly pick at it or allow him to pick at it.

 

All of my advice comes from me doing the exact same thing as you. I didn't listen to the advice exactly as I was told. I didn't want to accept it either. I did what you are doing for 8 months before I started listening. After 8 months I was so depressed, waiting for that once every couple days phone call, then it drew out to a week, then longer. Don't let him move on so easily. Gain some self control and self respect. Don't make the same mistake I did. I am not where I want to be... in control! Not of her, but of myself and my actions.

 

Block and delete him from messenger, your phone, email... everything. You can always add them back later. But right now you need to get every reminder/tempation of him out of easy reach. I strongly suggest alteast 3 weeks STRICT NC (which means NO CONTACT, NONE, not even relaying a message through a friend or sibling). At the end of 3 weeks, come back to this thread and re-read all your posts and suggestions from the members. You will realize and understand better the advice that was given and also see from your posts how far you have come. You will realize the state of mind you are currently in by looking back on it.

 

Keep posting on here about your progress. Use this as a journal.

 

Good luck, and god speed

 

Blue

[selfi]

You are all right.

For two continous months, Ive chased, hoped and waited. I am weak! Ive become the type of woman I used to laugh about and ridicule. Now thats me.

Up until now, as much as Ive tried, I really havent taken any advice ive been given on this forum.

The whole title of my thread is mis-leading!

But ill do it starting today, no more being at the beck and call of some skinny, buck-toothed Star Wars geek...

...for two weeks

[selfi]

Funny, its been harldly any time, and one little thing makes me feel like caving in. He has 'unblocked' me from his MSN (yes, again) and the temptation to speak to him is very there, where I begin to rationalise that contacting is no big deal, and wont do any harm. But ive re-read Veritas post of harsh reality and decided to write here instead. And now begins the process where I lean on this forum more than ever.

[selfi]

*sigh* Just checking in because he has just text messaged me, and im distracting myself by typing here because I want to write back so much!

It says: "Hey Rah, hope ur well, left my phone at home last nite, sorry for the late reply. Text tennis time!"

(Sending msg's back and forth to eachother was something we used to do alot)

 

So im not going to reply, right? Because that would mean im giving in? #-o

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Right, that would be giving in. I would suggest blocking him on messenger at least temporarily, so the temptation to talk to him isn't there. I had the same problem. My ex would change her name to something, and it would make me so curious to what it was about. It was getting to the point where everytime she was online, I was feeling like crap (cuz her name was always something exciting, that I would want to ask her about). I started not signing in with the fear of seeing her online, and starting talking to her. It was easier just to block her, and take back control of atleast that piece of my life.

 

You're doing great, keep it up!

[nataliejulie]

DO NOT... give in. DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT!

[LiquidCherry]

It would mean giving in and you DON'T want to do that, you don't want to reply. You want to be STRONG.

[selfi]

Yes, once again, as always you guys are right.

*sigh* He sent me another message, (I hadnt written to him) late last night it said:

"Rah, I have to go bed and dream before work, so I wish you the best sleep, goodnight : ) "

 

Question: After a couple weeks of ignoring him, When I eventually do have to contact him, what will I say when he interoggates me about having no contact? Do I tell the truth? Make up some sort of story? Because its certain he will ask, especially since its coming out of the blue.

 

Thx for the encouragement too!