back together on MY terms

[sibling295]

So I guess i am back to this forum!!!!

Anyway - not sure if anyone reads but this is mainly for me to get it out.

 

Last month and a half we have been broken up - i did a 360 on him and said see yah - then proceeded to go out and meet guys and date (even slept with another man) and have fun. He continued contact but i ignored him. Until the day before yesterday this happened:

 

 

I am hungry , no food , so off to the grocery store . As i am driving , i SEE my ex - i quickly turn into the parking lot and run inside. And when i walk out there he is waiting at my car.

 

Ex: Why are you ignoring me?

Me: Unless you want to get back together , i dont want to be your friend.

Ex: I know you are dating and going out again, I've heard all about it

Me: So , its my life - you dumped me, remember???

Ex; But i still love you , i want us to be friends maybe in the future more , i dont want you seeing other guys- I feel like i made the biggest mistake in my life - i am depressed - i hate myself - i got scared thats all

Me: this is all wonderful but unless you want to get back together - i dont care.

now he is crying Ex: i am soooo confused and depressed , i just felt so much pressure - please lets just start talking again. Please- ( trying to hug me)

Me: calm down - calm down we are in public - i will call you tomorrow - i need some time to think about this.

 

 

He actually called me yesterday afternoon . He said "Let me take you to dinner - anywhere you want - so we can talk.

 

It was a VERY nice evening - basically he said he wants to be bf/gf again - he is depressed - he made a mistake - he's very sorry - he wants to forget the whole break up even happened.

 

Thats where , from this forum thank you!, I stopped the conversation. I said "well , it did happen , you did get scared, you DID dump me , and i dont want to forget it. So I said" Lets take this SLOW - i dont want to get back together - I want to see if we were really meant to be - i want to see changes in our behaviour - etc......

 

Now this guy is shocked , here people , this guy thought i was gonna beg forever for him. He is flipped out that i said "see yah" soooo abruptly. And that i was out dating , going to clubs/bars again. He told me he thought i would wait forever for him. I told him even last night "NO WAY

 

Anyway , he asked me to hang out with his family this weekend , i said i had plans on Sat night with my girlfriends. This shocked him too , because for 17 months i was his puppy. Friends? I had no girlfriends , i gave them up to spend every waking hour with him. Thats over with - I tell you its so much better to be an individual . (sorry spelling) I feel really good and now i feel like i have control of the relationship. Not control over him , like equal control - does this make any sense?

 

I also never would have known i could be so strong.

 

When he left my place this morning , we hugged and kissed for a long time - he kept saying "I love you - i never want to lose you again"

and i said "i dont want to lose myself either!!" and i meant it.

 

So another day goes - and my only expectations are for myself to stay strong. Btw- i met a guy at a Halloween party and we have plans on SAt for a date. Since i refused to get back together w/ my ex , until i felt that it was a healthy environment for me to be in , i dont see a problem still going. I mean , i also learned being single this time around , is thats what dating is all about. I dont mean i am gonna sleep with the guyb , but i am gonna see if i have a connection with him. And , honestly my ex can do the same. I mean he dumped me because he got scared , i dont want to be married then one day he does it again and then we are divorced. I dont know - i am confused now. Oh well that just means i amthinking too much about this . Moving on.........

thanks

sib

[TiredMan]

Just be careful, this "anger" that you are portraying doesn't bite you as it bit him. If you do care about him, and he said he was scared and you dismiss, resentment will build. You can't have a relationship, IMO, where both people aren't working hard at it. Seems like at first, it was you doing it, with him taking stuff for granted, and now you seem to have turned the tables on him and it's the other way around. Neither way works.

 

Like you said yourself to him, either be with him or don't. But you are kind of doing what he did to you.

[RayKay]

I honestly don't think you are doing this out of a healthy respect, it's more out of anger or "revenge" on him.

 

If you want to be with him, then work together to come back together (no need to "lose yourself" while doing it...but don't jack him around either. It will come back to bite you. You can't build something new out of resentment.

 

So decide what you want.

 

But...if you told him you wanted to take things slow...why did he spend the night? If you are sleeping with him thats not taking it slow and I really advise you don't even CONSIDER sleeping with this other guy on Saturday. Not if you want this guy back. Not only is it dangerous (ie STI's, pregnancy), but it may cloud your judgment and emotions right now....).

 

I am glad you have self respect...but just make sure you know the difference between self respect and anger/resentment at him and don't hurt YOURSELF in the process.

[Jut]

Great!

This is the post with the strongest vibe of self control coz of NC that i have ever read. sibling295 you are very much in control of yourself and you have a fan.

Good luck.

[sibling295]

Tired man , perhaps i sounded angry in my post ,but honestly i am not angry at all!!

I feel very positive and happy!!!there is no anger...

I feel in control , i feel like i will get what i want . Now if its with him , i dont know? thats why i refused to jump back in the relationship so quick , maybe my happiness is with another man? I dont know???

Yah know , but this time apart made me realize that i could go on with out him. And that is not an anger thing , its a positive thing.

 

[TiredMan]

Tired man , perhaps i sounded angry in my post ,but honestly i am not angry at all!!

I feel very positive and happy!!!there is no anger...

I feel in control , i feel like i will get what i want . Now if its with him , i dont know? thats why i refused to jump back in the relationship so quick , maybe my happiness is with another man? I dont know???

Yah know , but this time apart made me realize that i could go on with out him. And that is not an anger thing , its a positive thing.

 

 

But you were giving him ultimatums when he said he wanted to be friends and then lets see what happens. You said either be together or don't. Now YOU want what he was asking for before, once he wanted to be again with you. I hope you see that you are doing this. And I don't think it's healthy if you really love him.

[RayKay]

Yah know , but this time apart made me realize that i could go on with out him. And that is not an anger thing , its a positive thing.

 

 

That IS a positive thing, just if you really don't think he deserves another chance, tell him that...and don't lead him on is all.

[Jut]

RAYkAY

I agree with your suggestion of nnot sleeping with the second man if she wants to get back and i might also agree that she is feeling more of an ego boost coz of him coming back but otherwise she has control on her life. The guy is coming back to him coz he cant tolerate her being out of his control, hes jealous that she is dating etc. Why would he get up and leave when she said she has plans on sat night.

BUT i wont agree with her doing all this coz of anger.

"i dont want to lose myself either!!"

This is not anger. This is one confident person saying i am not a doormat that can be walked over anymore. This person spent hours and hours with the significantother to make things work . What she got int return was zilch. Now she realizes that she is worth much more than that.

[sibling295]

Well , i know i said lets take it slow - but i honestly dont see a problem with sleeping with him. I mean , my feelings on sex with him are that we do have a physical connection and , well it just plain feels good.

 

And the last thing i want is a pregnancy or a std- you must understand i am the biggest preacher of SAFE sex to all my friends!!!

 

I probably wont sleep with this other guy Sat night , in fact i probably wont even like him enough to hang out all night with him , but i am not going to not see him. I am single afterall and this is the dating game. To see if we are compatible with people- yah know?

 

I really hope i dont sound angry - I mean i feel confident and proud .

8)

[sibling295]

tiredman - ahh yes i see what you mean:

But you were giving him ultimatums when he said he wanted to be friends and then lets see what happens. You said either be together or don't. Now YOU want what he was asking for before, once he wanted to be again with you.

 

Yes , i see this makes sense - But you see he said to me that he wanted to forget the whole break up happened . And thats when i said "No way, here It DID happen" So thats when i decided to not get back together , I dont want to go back to the same relationship. i want things better - and tsince i have realized that I donot control him , I can only control myself - I must keep breathing and learning and living with my eyes open. I am in NO WAY SHAQPE OR FORM, leading him on. I am for the first time , honest 100% with him. I am acting , maybe not writing it correctly so you cant see , but i am acting like an adult.

 

 

[Hope75]

Just remember,

 

Even though he initiated the breakup, it takes effort from BOTH people to make a relationship come back together and really work. This means that even if you feel he "owes" you more work because he broke it off, you are BOTH going to need to put in the effort and really want it.

 

Perhaps you don't mean to sound upset in your post, but you do, and it sounds as though you are expecting him to do most of the work to get you back. I hope I'm wrong, and that you know that you are both going to need to put in the work, and if you are truly going to make it work, you have to let go of the anger that he let you go and be prepared to forgive him in order to move forward with him.

 

What do you think?

[sibling295]

Hope -

I am not sure where i wrote that he "owe's me more work in this relationship"

I dont feel that way at all??? I dont believe i ever said that. Maybe i should think more before i just type!!!!

 

I am working on this relationship. I am giving it 100% - He mentioned that he would agree on seeing a therapist (like a couple therapist) This is something i had asked us to do before we broke up. He has allot of commitment issues. Actually , I mean , we BOTH have issues we need to work on!

 

I think what i mean more by me still going out is that I have a renewed sense of independence. I like who I am . In fact i have fallen in love with myself. I would go that far to say.

 

And well , if he doesnt see that i am the woman for him , well i know that i wont lie over and die. I know that i will always be okay.

I really want this to work out between us , but i wont pine over every word or every action he says or takes.

I pine over like me now? Is this what makes me sound angry ? Cause i feel it makes me like - how do i say - have power over my life. I am no longer worried about him , i am finally asking myself what will make me happy?

 

That doesnt mean i dont love him , or i am resentfull , I am very happy that we are working things out - But there is more to my life than a man???

 

does this make sense?

[sibling295]

of course - if there is a man in my life - i do want it to be him!

[Jut]

Sibling

Now you make me confused. You say you are putting in 100% in getting back together and still going on dates and saying "PROBABLY i wont sleep with the new guy".

Are you sure you are not trying to have a cake and eat it. Keep one hanging and play out till then. I am sure after reading through your posts that this guy wasnt good to you anytime but does that mean you need to revenge out on him by keeping him dangling and dating other guys. What if you really like the date you are going on? You could mess up your emotions coz of the path you are adopting.

 

I would suggest you to sit down and think hard about what you want. If you think you are strong and want to be in the dating scene out there then let your ex go and if you want to be with him then do so.

 

I did something similar to you but eventually ended up messing the other person and myself.

[Hope75]

I don't think it was anything persae that you wrote in your post, sibling, just a feeling I got from the way you were talking to him. It seemed.... a little harsh I guess.

 

I think it's very important that you establish good relationships with your friends and that you keep them-- even when you are in a relationship, because you find that if he is your everything and he leaves, well, you have nothing. We all need to keep a balance in our lives.

 

I am happy that you are feeling strong, and independent. I just wanted to be sure that you knew that if you two were going to try and work it out, that you both needed to be ready and willing, and that it takes alot of work.

 

I also question, if you want to get back with your boyfriend and are talking about it, why you would even want to go out with this other guy?

 

That to me seemed another sort of "in your face" tactic against your bf. All I know is that if my relationship was falling apart and on shakey ground, and I loved him and wanted to work it out, and he showed the same feelings, I would NOT be dating someone else, even for one night!

[sibling295]

yes - i can see that it would make sense that if i was really commited to makeing the relationship work , i wouldnt be going out with another guy.

 

i see what everyone is saying.... hmmmmmm............

 

i need to think about this .........

[DN]

Let me add my two cents to those who think you are playing a very dangerous game that will come back to bite you and make you very unhappy.

 

Another issue is: didn't you tell him you were going out with your girlfriends on Saturday night when in fact you are going out with this other guy. That means you lied to him. Are you comfortable doing that?

 

Remember that although it is upsetting that someone breaks up with you they don't do it to hurt you if they are breaking up for the right reasons. They do it because they are not sure. Now he has decided he is sure and you are pushing him away and making him jump through hoops to get you back.

 

Be aware that the behaviour you are exhibiting now could well make him think that his decision to break up with you was in fact the right one and his mistake is in trying to get you back.

 

You say you want him - I think you should stop playing hard to get and start working on the relationship before both of you lose the second chance at being happy with each other.

 

There is a major difference between being strong and being headstrong.

[TiredMan]

Putting 100 percent into it is NOT dating other people to see if you connect. So if you do, the stuff with the other guy is done? Is that fair? That is not WORKING on a relationship but rather, keeping each other unless something better comes along. That is not right at all.

[RayKay]

Hope and DN hit the nail on the head, that I was alluding to earlier (though not as descriptively!) - that you need to decide WHAT you want - be it to be with him, or not, and then take actions to go FOR what you want.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with having respect for yourself, but that also means that if you want to be with him and work things out, then you have to take action towards that....and this date on Saturday whether you sleep with him or not may be a bad idea given this new fresh take on things.

 

He said he made a mistake - only YOU and he know for sure whether he truly means it, and truly will change (but counselling is a start) but in the meantime if you are telling him you will take things slow and see where things go, then you need to do that, and not go about with others as that will only cloud the issue.

 

Again it was not anything you SAID, it was just more the attitude in which you said it, and the way you had this conversation with him. If you really felt it was okay to be dating others while working things out, wouldn't you have said you had a date, rather then said you were going out with friends? That hints to me you already know he won't be okay with it....so are doing it in a way to take as much power as you can.

 

You should definitely maintain friendships and a life outside even when in a relationship, and not lose whom you ARE, but if you want this to work, that does not mean still dating....

 

Dating someone else is not putting 100% into this...it's deciding well, if this date does not work MAYBE I will put 100% into it...so you need to decide...which way you want to go?

[miracle29]

I agree with some of the other posters about you needing to be careful and take things slowly but I will make my response short and sweet.

 

Make sure he is not just trying to get back with you so no one else can have you. A lot of times a "PERSON" will get back with you just to keep you from moving on. So make sure he really does love you and this isnt some kind of control tactic, because his reputation and his pride is hurt and at stake.

[Jut]

A lot of times a man will get back with you just to keep you from moving on. So make sure he really does love you and this isnt some kind of control tactic, because his reputation and his pride is hurt and at stake.

 

Its true for every person, dont women do that?

[miracle29]

JUT..You better believe it. Women do it too..

[sibling295]

you know this is making more and more sense to me!!! I must say!! So a big )))))HUG(((((( to everyone.

 

I guess i feel kind of clouded , or in a fog.

 

Perhaps, i am harboring some resentment to the fact he dumped me and broke my heart. maybe you guys are right!!!!

 

I for some reason cant see beyond my cloud.

 

All i hear in my head is" why cant i go out with other men , i mean i am single , he dumped me"

 

btw- i do believe he wants to get back for all the right reasons.

and yes , i lied about sat night , but again - cloud in my head here folks!

 

I am not sure about how he would react if i told him i was going on a date. we have talked about me dating other men during this break up - and he was always very hurt , but i have been honest with him , by saying , I am not sure now. Lets see how we feel as time continues...

 

hmmmm..... It is not my intention to hurt anyone (ie other guy) I plan on being honest that my ex wanted to get back together. He already knows we recently broke up. In fact i already told him , i was not looking for another relationship right now. Just no strings attached fun.

 

i have soo much more to say - i need time to think .......

[DN]

I believe you are over-thinking this whole thing. It's really very simple (note I said simple - not easy).

 

Decide if you want him back.

 

If you do - get back with him, do the work necessary to make the relationship strong.

 

Don't use this other guy as revenge; or to make yourself feel good, vindicated, desirable or anything else.

 

Don't use people - going out with him when you say you really want your ex is using him. And it makes no difference whether he consents to being used or not. We are not concerned with his ethics right now - but you should be concerned with yours.

[Echo]

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.....DN always says the right things....