Cheating rules! Everyone should READ!

[emma34]

After cheating on my boyfriend, I came clean, had a long process of tears, breaking up, regret, etc. we have got back together. I am so glad that he can forgive me, and I think so very highly of him. I know what I did was a mistake - and I am NOT EVER willing to make that kind of mistake again...to him, or to anyone. While we were apart I made this list...its like my advice to myself. Cheating is so hurtful, and it's ALWAYS a big deal. The fact is some people just cheat because they are bad people, but I began to realize that the reasons why I cheated was because I was unsatisfied with myself, and with my relationship. Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone, but for me, I know it will help.

 

1) You need to communicate your problems...acting out doesn't solve anything.

2) You have to seriously ask yourself 'is this worth losing?'

3) Even if you never get caught - your STILL losing something

4) There is no such thing as 'just this once' because one time ruins it all

5) Their forgiveness may astound you, but nothing can compare to their plain old love

6) You have morals and values! And cheating is WRONG!

7) If in doubt, ask God for strength - it's good for the soul

8) If your thinking about cheating, don't, and the communicate with your partner. It will make you feel better to tell them and although you may both feel it was wrong to even THINK it, they will appreciate that you are honest with them - and it will help you realize that it is not worth it.

9) If your feeling bored in the relationship, do something exciting with your partner - doing it with someone else is still exciting, but it's a waste of your time.

10) COMMIT!

11) As my own personal advice, don't drink too much, especially when theres no one around to make sure you don't do anything stupid.

12) If your feeling lonely and they can't be there, tell him, write it down, do something constructive with it.

13) Remember that every time you cheat - your losing respect for yourself, and so are they. They are taking something from you that does not belong to them.

14) A lot of times, they are just using you...how does that feel?

15) Sometimes, even if you think they are awesome and you can see yourself with them...hold on, can you see yourself with someone that would be with an attached person? They are stabbing your partner in the back!

16) You'll have to live with it for the rest of your life. Believe me, you want a clean slate...guilt is heavy just like loneliness.

17) Your job is to make your spouse happy, not some other person. They can smooth talk you and seduce you, and if you know you don't want to cheat with them, you'll disappoint them...but that's the right thing!

18) If your feeling like your not getting the attention you deserve...talk about it. And if you talk about it and still nothing, talk about how the lack of attention leads you to thinking you may cheat...then they will listen.

19) If your spouse is taking you for granted, lay down the law.

20) Don't be scared to be really really close with someone. Intimacy can be scary to the kind of person that cheats...but it's all worth it.

[TiredMan]

Would you be ok with him cheating?

[emma34]

of course I would not be okay with him cheating

[yeawutever]

Not to be blunt or harsh (cuz I really hate cheaters and get mad when I hear this) but do you really think it'll be back to square 0 and 100% trust, it won't, he'll always be wondering. Doesn't really counts if u told him yourself or got caught, the fact is u still did it. Its the same thing my father told me at times "Someone has a real bad toenail where it really hurts and you step on it, no matter how u really apologize you still did it. Now wut if he did this to you? He'll be doubtful for now on and it won't be the same, so might as well spare him from this pain, move on and don't cheat again. Just cuz u have issues with yourself and problems in ur relation doesn't justify it, that was immature on you.

[emma34]

wo wo wo... so a person cheats and then they never deserve to be happy ever again? What I did was wrong, and in no way am I trying to justify my actions. What I'm trying to do is prevent it from ever happening again.

[princessleiha]

dont ever tell your signifigant other you cheated. EVER. just take the lessons you learned and leave it at that. they dont need to know.

[yeawutever]

Oh yea they don't need to know, pricess have u ever thought that he could find out somewhere else. Though telling could help a relation recover it doens't lessen the pain the partner has to go through.

 

As for u Emma, well ok lets just say u fell guilty, thats why u told. I would wnat to know too if I was cheated on though I would break up right away. Have u both thought about counseling, it can helped u find the cause as to wut made u act that way.

[miracle29]

emma, that is just one persons opinion. Ailec has very very strong views about cheating as do I. She is right to have that opinion, however, after reading your post I'm very happy that you not only came clean (that is a plus, that means you told before you got caught and it just has more weight to it then, Oops i got caught and so now i'll come clean". ) I also commend you for giving others advice about the repercussions of cheating and why the should THINK before they ACT. I think you have learned your lesson and while I do know trust is surely not going t be 100% over night, you seem to have a wonderful man who loved you enough to take that chance and will build it up with you. I hope you don't take his forgiveness for granted, because some people really do lose it all, and some people make a mistake and can learn from it. I hope you are that person. Good luck and the next time you have a chance, you owe it to him and yourself to say no. I think they need to have banners that say "just say no to cheating" like they do for "just say no to drugs". Someone needs to invent a t-shirt like this.

 

Anyhow, good luck and keep in mind, he may not trust you again 100% but time heals all wounds and eventually with hard work things could possibly end up back on track.

[princessleiha]

cool to hear that your taking the time to make some introspective realizations about your situation. ..... much respect to you

[emma34]

Actually yes we have talked briefly about getting into counselling. The thing is, he is away a LOT with his work, and I will not be able to see him for 3 months starting this february. So counselling would so be beneficial in a situation where all he has is trust that I know I have to regain still.

[PavPPZ1]

Oh yea they don't need to know, pricess have u ever thought that he could find out somewhere else. Though

 

LOL,

 

Well, at least you are rationalizing this, god forbid theyever find out. Life is too complicated to have answers for this question in a forum. But basically try your best not to cheat. If it happens ask some supreme being for advice, I wouldnt know the best answer. There is something to the idea that ignorance is bliss, but isit?

 

"He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore"

 

Sigmund Freud

 

If you think you can keep something like that a secret from your SO then all power to you, but as its said you live with them the rest of your life.

 

Fragile beauty dictates the soul of life, uncirtainty and chance serve as your guide, ashore lay dormant is your fate.

[miracle29]

I agree , even if you never told, you will always know and it will eat you up for the rest of your life. So I commend you for stepping up and telling him. You took a chance there and your honesty and realization of your mistakes, really paid off.

[bleeder]

That was a good post you made Emma.

 

The same rule of life applies to everything we do, as well as relationships. "Do not do onto others what you don't want them to do onto you."

 

Cheers all.

[novaseeker]

Not telling your partner about your cheating is like telling a perpetual lie for the duration of the relationship. It will be a real barrier to intimacy, no matter what anyone says about the partner not needing to know. If you tell them, or they find out otherwise, 10-15 years after the fact, believe me they will be more devastated that you kept that lie going for 15 years than about what you did 15 years ago. Not fessing up is adding a second wrongdoing to the first wrongdoing: you should fess up, discuss the problems that led to the infidelity, express and concretely act out remorse, and get outside help to rebuild trust and the relationship ... but by not telling your partner, you're signing up to being a perpetual liar.

[TiredMan]

 

 

These four "rules" tell me that you place the blame on the other person, which I don't think is accurate. For instance, it's not THEM who is stabbing your partner in the back---it's YOU!

 

 

EXACTLY!!!!

[emma34]

Ok...I see your point. But this isn't about blame...this is about preventing cheating.

[TiredMan]

If there are problems in a relationship, you either work on it or you leave, you don't cheat. NEVER. There is absolutely no reason to cheat on someone no matter how neglected you are by that person. I'm sorry but cheating doesn't need to be prevented. It just should NOT be done. Period. And if you think about doing it, then leave first. Simple.

[titan]

I am not familiar with your story emma, but it seems that you cheated with someone that didn't want a relationship with you and this is the only reason you came clean, went back etc. If this other person was serious and it worked out what would be saying then.

 

AS i said i am not familiar with the whole story this is just the impression i got from your post.

[TiredMan]

Like I said, there shouldn't be ways to "prevent cheating". That is a cop out. It just should never be done no matter what. You shouldn't have to do anything to prevent. If a person wants to cheat, then they should leave first. Anyone saying otherwise. is trying to deflect the blame from themselves.

[titan]

then we can argue at what point is cheating, one would say we meet for drinks nothing happened then they meet for drinks for a few weeks/months nothing happens if the person then breaks up with the significant other to be with this person, according to you its not cheating but according to me it is.

[miracle29]

You know what, i usually don't do this (take the side of the person who has done wrong) but emma didnt come here to get reamed. She was only trying to help. I think some of us may be being slightly hard on her. This subject is going around in circles and I think some of us need to be a bit more open minded.

 

She admitted that she messed up, he chose to take her back and in the midst of her happiness she decided to come here to try to help.

[titan]

as i said i am not familiar with her story however, if it assists her with her personal learning i think its valuable to get other prespectives on her views.

[TiredMan]

You know what, i usually don't do this (take the side of the person who has done wrong) but emma didnt come here to get reamed. She was only trying to help. I think some of us may be being slightly hard on her. This subject is going around in circles and I think some of us need to be a bit more open minded.

 

She admitted that she messed up, he chose to take her back and in the midst of her happiness she decided to come here to try to help.

 

I think her posting "how to prevent cheating" is her way of justifying it. By giving instructions to people so they can avoid being cheated on, it's as if it's really something that they can control. The person who cheats cheated because they wanted to, plain and simple.

[yeawutever]

Yup, Tiredman's right about that. NO one put a pistol on her and force her to cheat, it was her decision. But if she then admitted it and told her partner about it before he found out elsewhere then she must have been feeling real quilty about it. Emma's lucky to have a nice guy who took her back, he must have strong feelings for her to forgive her, some guys find that unforgiving. It is say that some are like that by nature, it like lowers down their ego when they are informed the woman they love has cheated and so they can't deal with it and dump her right away without second thoughts. Now imagine all the way she has to go to convince him that she can be trusted again, pretty long. Good thing ur agreeing on counseling.

Emma just cuz he chose to forgave u and work it out, don't take advantage of it and decide to do it again, you might not be so lucky the second time b/c I heard before about this post on this girl who's b/f split up for good when she did it again, she took him for granted and now she's learning the hard way, she does wnat him back but he won't take her back.

[Northman]

You didn't care at the time when you cheated. You told him only so that your guilt would cease. Was it worth being used by a stranger?

I really doubt it, you have analyzed away your remorse, and prepared yourself for the next time you make a similar mistake.

You can even go to your list and determine which aspect went wrong!

Again and again and again. I truly doubt what you learned about yourself was worth hurting someone who cared. Spare the male community the torment of your sort and commit yourself to being a spinster.