here's one for the guys to answer....

[33yeargirl]

all right guys, please help with a few questions:

 

i met a guy three weeks ago, we have been out once (first date) and it was amazing, instant chemistry/things in common/similar interests and professions. Since then, we have hung out at his apartment twice, been to a college basketball game...and hung out at my house once. Oh, went out for drinks one other time. In the middle of all this he "stiffed" me on a Saturday night after pre arranging a date. (He never called back that night or the next Sunday until 9pm.) His excuse was that he was sick....i accepted it at face value as we've just met, etc. This past Saturday after the game at his house we hung out but no physical contact on his part at all. Next night he asked me to stay over and again no physical contact at all (we have had sex and it was great for both). I am confused by the seeing each other two times since sex and now nothing...not even much kissing.....???? He has inserted into conversations that he is not seeing anyone else, and wants a girlfriend. He calls me sweetheart, hon, cutie, etc. which is cool, but what's up with the no contact and not "taking me out". I mean should we be hanging out at his or my house at this point or should we be going out more?" I really need help with the no physical contact part and that he only calls a few times/week....

[RayKay]

What happens if you try and make a move on him?

 

Do you initiate any of the contact - phone or touch?

 

As for going out more, depends on both of your situations - going out for drinks or to b-ball game seems like "going out" too...

 

I honestly can't tell you what is going on, other then he may be having second thoughts or be withdrawing for other reasons. Or, this may be the real him. Part of dating - finding out whom someone is...better to know now then later so you can make some decisions on whether to stay or leave before you commit!

[PocoDiablo]

That's kind of weird that he is not initiating physical contact. I'm 36, and I know that for the first 6 months my GF and I ... well ... . Yeah, what's up? First off, the "sick" line sounds like an excuse. Sounds like he went out with his friends and either got trashed, got laid, or something else.

 

My honest opinion? This is who he is. He took you out on a few dates to get you interested, and now he is reverting backing into a lazy bum. I have a policy of taking quite a long time to get to know people, say six months or more, to be sure they really are who they say they are. Far too often have I dated a woman who was a looker, well dressed, fun in bed, only to have her slip into a person who never bathed, showed up in sweat pants, and seemed to suddenly have no libido. What is that all about? That's someone who put on a great act to get you interested, but can't keep it going.

 

Maybe this is who he really is. Yikes. Sounds boring.

 

If you don't like what you see... I would recommend you get out before you get a vested interest. He sounds rude, boring, and simplistic. Not quality in my opinion... You think?

[novaseeker]

Hard to say.

 

For some reason, he's withdrawing .. that's clear. Why he is, however, isn't really clear at all. He could be concerned that your relationship was proceeding to quickly and that scared him and he's trying to slow things down a bit, but he still thinks he wants to be with you. Or, he could be thinking he's not that into you, but he'd like you around as a friend.

[33yeargirl]

why would he ask me to spend the night and not make a move.....i initiated last time we had s#$ and it was great for both....he is also majorly consumed with sports when i am at his house of if he is at mine....majorly into sports - football/baseball....hockey etc....

 

like i said why go to the trouble of having a girl spend the night and not initiate only three weeks into relationship....and still be calling her?

[novaseeker]

why would he ask me to spend the night and not make a move.....i initiated last time we had s#$ and it was great for both....he is also majorly consumed with sports when i am at his house of if he is at mine....majorly into sports - football/baseball....hockey etc....

 

like i said why go to the trouble of having a girl spend the night and not initiate only three weeks into relationship....and still be calling her?

 

Like I said, he could be scared that things were going too fast, or he could not be that into you. Either way, it's a bit concerning.

[Dating Coach]

I have a policy of taking quite a long time to get to know people, say six months or more, to be sure they really are who they say they are. Far too often have I dated a woman who was a looker, well dressed, fun in bed, only to have her slip into a person who never bathed, showed up in sweat pants, and seemed to suddenly have no libido. What is that all about? That's someone who put on a great act to get you interested, but can't keep it going.

 

Reminds me of what Chris Rock said. "When you first meet someone you aren't meetin' them! You're meetin' their representative!"

 

To the OP,

 

It's possible that he is just reverting back to who he is really, or it could be that maybe he got the idea in his head that he needs to prove to you that he isn't after just sex so he is cutting it out so you won't think that about him.

 

I think it's kind of weird though. You had good chemistry, good sex, and now he is asking you to stay the night but passes up the sex? Strange...

[Derek]

What's the worst that could happen if you asked him these same questions directly? Don't make it heavy or dramatic, just light-heartedly and with a shrug in the shoulders, perhaps ask something like

"Hey, the other day when you _____, I didn't quite get what that meant, I'd like to know what you're thinking..."

 

If you can't communicate honestly now, (and you already had sex after all), maybe that's a bad sign for the future?

 

BTW, most guys are pretty simple creatures with most things and are happy with very few simple things. (food,tv,sex) So I bet it's not as bad as you think.

 

 

[Scout]

Derek - a very sensible suggestion. I second that!

[PocoDiablo]

Sensible, yes. Smart.... um.... I would say no.

 

Why? Well, you're only involved with him for a short time and you're already going into a "therapy" mode. Why ask what he's doing? His actions are pretty clear to me. He is not making any effort to maintain your level of happiness. If he is so into sports, he needs to date someone who is ALSO into sports at the very least.

 

I mean, look at it like this. My fiance (of two weeks, thank you very much! ) and I both like to sit at home several nights a week. But at least 2 times a week we like to go out and party! When we are home, she watches TV (like she is doing RIGHT now) and I like to surf the net and give advice.

 

Oh, she just said "Hey..." which to me means "Hey, what are we going to do now." So, I am going to go entertain her, because that is what we like to do.

 

So, why are you with someone who ignores you? Go find someone better!

[FCTex]

I agree whole heartedly with Poco..

 

It sounds like he's just not sure what he wants to do, or that he's trying to play the game..

 

 

Personally, I wouldnt dwell on him.. He might be trying to let his thoughts ponder, and perhaps like someone said, might want it to seem like he's not after just the sex, which is something I can TOTALLY see being the case here.

 

Keep doing your own thing, and once he realizes that your moving away without him, he'll shape up, or you'll ship out..

[Derek]

Well I am agreeing with Poco and FCtex too,

 

I'm saying she should ask him directly and honestly, and if he doesn't step up like a real man and be honest with her, she should stop dancing the two step with him and move on.

 

=)

 

 

[33yeargirl]

since all this business...the guy calls me monday to say hey...what's up etc. we talk briefly about the day and he ends conversation with talk to you later...that was monday - haven't heard from him since....?

[Scout]

Well, I still agree with Derek's original advice. And he did say to ask the questions lightheartedly, not like it's an inquisition.

 

However, it seems the writing is kind of on the wall, and the guy has pulled back. He's obviously less interested than he was at first, and unfortunately, it seems to be accepted behavior in the dating world now to do the "Fade Out" instead of at least gently letting someone know you've maybe changed your mind.

 

That's why I advocate asking people directly what's up as soon as they start doing this, if they showed a lot of interest at first. I'm tired of people ending things by just blowing you off. It's rude, and it's setting the bar for courtesy really, really low. Now, I'm not saying you ask them these questions if you just went on one or two dates. But if you've spent a few evenings or whatever with them, and they've indicated they are interested in doing things in the future with you...if they just all of a sudden change course, I think it's perfectly acceptable to bring it up, maybe along the lines of "Hey, something seems a little different. Is there an interest on your part to pursue things? Just want to make sure we're on the same page, either way."

[33yeargirl]

update - after not hearing from this guy for 4 days - he calls me this past friday - tells me he had to "go out of town for a few days (20 miles to his mothers house) to paint his mom's house "unexpectadly" with his brother" he says he's "sorry I didn't give you a call but I got caught up....so I play it casual and say "oh, okay, just figured you were busy....etc. He says "What are you doing tomorrow (meaning saturday) I had plans already but wanted to feel him out so I said "not much just probably chilling with friends/going out..." He says "Well, okay then I'll call you tomorrow afternoon and maybe we can do something.." I say "Okay talk to ya then...." Needless to say - haven't heard from him since then....What is up with this guy???? I feel at this point it borders on the rude side.

[Dating Coach]

It is rude. Lose him.

[FCTex]

He doesn't know what he wants to do. He's trying to see if he still has you on the line and when he wants to, if he wants too, when to make something of it.

[Jadtt]

Hey, I'm not a guy...but I just want to offer something up.

 

The only time that a guy did not initiate nor want to have sex with me, it ended up he was having sex with someone else. It was weird, we had been dating, had great sex and great chemistry. Then all of a sudden...nothing. Yeah, that was because the ex had come back into the picture. At least he had the decency not to sleep with both of us at the same time (that I know of)!

 

Anway, there is obviously a reason for his w/d. I'm not too sure what it is, if he feels that things are going to fast, I would hope that he would come right out and tell you. Because, if he didn't you might get the wrong impression and just go away.

 

FYI---

 

I've found that sex so soon is not a good thing. I've not had luck in this department when I move to fast, it seems like the guy feels like he catches me and it's not too fun anymore for him.

 

So...I've made it a point that I will not have sex with a guy unless we have been dating for quite some time and I know him a little better. I'm saying at least 2 months. Hey, if the guy really likes me....he'll wait. Plus, it adds to the sexual tension which boosts up the attraction level a little bit. I'd rather have sex with someone I care about, but that's just me.

[PocoDiablo]

Yeah, it really sounds like he is seeing someone else, and is trying to "let you down" gently.

 

As far as sex too soon, I don't really believe that - at least not for everyone. Either you have chemistry or your don't, in my opinion.

 

Now you know, here is a really wild thought. And please don't take this personally (how could you, I don't even know you! ) Is there anything wrong with you? Believe it or not, I found out that I have Halitosis - chronic bad breath. My god. I was floored. How did I find out? My fiance hinted over the course of a YEAR. Finally, she just came out and told me. For a YEAR she put up with my bad breath. Even using Listerine, 10 minute later I apparently could peel paint. We found a solution, but I never knew. It must have been that way for years.

 

I've met women who were just horrible in bed - as in "dead ****" - which is a big turn off to me. Simple solution is to read a few books, ala link removed.

 

No one is perfect, and I have had some fatal flaws, but tried to improve them. Anyone can improve themselves and it usually does not take much work.

 

So, find a good friend, and ask the hard question. It may be an opportunity for you to improve yourself.

 

However, I still think (1) he's seeing someone else and (2) he's a lazy guy and (3) he's not good enough for you!!!!

[Mjane]

The guy is a flake and is just stringing you along. This is a case where you have to pay attention to his actions and his words... both of which are very disappointing.

[33yeargirl]

okay, here's an update....after not hearing from this guy in the five days since he said he'd call ....i go to lunch today with my girlfriend, and he's there! I walk by his table and totally take the high road and after we notice each other I say "hi, how are you (with a smile) ......nice to see you " he looks at me and says the same - I sit down eat lunch - he gets up and pays his bill and WALKS OUT - no acknowledgement....the guy doesn't even have the class to come over to our table and address me....??????? What ???

[justlookin]

maybe he is religious~~!!!

[Dating Coach]

Forget this guy. He is a loser.