B/F just ended 7 mo relationship - hope for reconciliation?

[newlydumped]

Hi there - I just found this forum and have been exploring it for much of today. I have seen so much helpful advice out there, and would love some for my situation.

 

I had been with my boyfriend for seven months. I thought things were going great. We took several weekend trips and a month ago he even had me fly home with him to meet his family. We did, however, have one recurring issue...I have a sugar level thing that occasionally causes me to have a really swift reaction to alcohol. As in 1-2 drinks and I am wasted to the point of blackout. We had spoken about it in the past, and I have been working on it; have in fact been working with this issue since before I even met him. And this was not an every weekend thing...I think over the course of 7 months it happened about 5 times. Well, 2 weekends ago, while on a camping trip with 2 other couples, it happened again. We had driven separately and when I got back to my apartment, he had already been there and had all of his stuff packed up. He told me that he didn't think he needed to say anything; that I had failed him by getting drunk and he was done.

 

I wrote him an email that afternoon, attaching a medical article explaining my problem and telling him that I loved him and that we had an amazing relationship, and that I would stop drinking entirely if that is what he needed to be sure that this problem would never happen again.

 

He called me later that day and told me he needed time to think. So I tried to give it to him. I broke down on Thursday and sent him a text message, simply saying that I missed him. Then late Sunday night, he called me and told me that he had thought about it, but he didn't think that we should try and work things out, that his feelings for me weren't strong enough to even try anymore. When I asked him if he had ever loved me, he said that he thought he did, but that his feelings started to change after he took me to meet his family. When I asked him why he never said anything, he told me he thought he would be able to work through his doubts, but the weekend before had sealed things. Yet, I had asked flat out how he was feeling about us the week before and he had told me that things were great between us. His only complaint was that he felt like he needed to be sure to call his guy friends more because he had a bad habit of not always keeping in great contact with the people he cared about because he was so wrapped up in someone he cared about more than anyone else - me.

 

He also said that he was questioning his feelings because he had never had to work so hard at loving someone before. He said that after 7 months, he thought it should be easy. I was so stunned that I couldn't even think to respond to any of this; I just told him to bring by his stuff so we could be done.

 

He dropped the rest of my stuff off at my place that night and barely even looked at me. He seemed upset that he had to see me. I emailed him yesterday because I felt that I had not been able to really tell him my thoughts. I didn't ask him to get back together or anything along those lines - I just laid out how hurt I was at the way he handled our break-up, as well as a response to his statement that he felt loving me was too much work. I believe that relationships and love are hard work. That's what makes them worth it, and worth holding onto.

 

I told him in the email that it was essentially my way of saying good-bye. But as I sit here thinking about things, I don't think I want to say good-bye. We were amazing together. I took care of him, he took care of me. We integrated friendship groups. My friends think I am crazy to even want him after the way he broke things off, and in some ways I agree with them. But I still want to try and work things out. I don't think he doesn't love me - I think he has this notion of idealicized love and being in something real - with real problems - scares him. Or maybe I am crazy. I don't know.

 

Any thoughts or advice on where to go from here would be greatly appreciated. How can I go about facilitating us getting back together? Or does it seem like there is even hope? Thank you.

[ReadyorNot]

Does he have a problem with you drinking, or is he embarrassed that you black out?

 

Why did you drink when you were camping? Why do you drink at all if you know what it does to you... Is drinking so important???

[newlydumped]

He is very easily embarrassed in general. He is constantly worried about what other people think of him or how they view him. I learned a long time ago that other people's opinions matter only if you let them.

 

I drank on the camping trip because everyone was. We were with his friends, all of whom like to drink - a lot. And because I didn't think that that would happen again. And because I made a bad choice. I don't pretend that it was not a stupid thing to do. And alcohol is not worth it. I am no longer drinking at all. Which is something that I am going to do regardless of what happens with him. It is something that I need to do for me.

 

I don't want to seem as though I am trying to excuse my role in this. I am not. I just don't want to lose him for good if there is a way to try and work it out.

[melrich]

If you are comfortable about him having such a strong reaction to your behaviour (and I am not really sure that you should be) then I guess all you can do is stick to your commitment not to drink (if that is what you want to do) and hope that the things that tied you together are stronger than the issue that has forced you apart.

[RandomAdvisor]

I can understand that you're feeling hurt, but what do you really expect of your ex? He decided he was going to break up with you, he packed his things, and he left. Why is that so bad? He was open and honest with you about his feelings. I'm having a difficult time understanding why you think he was so harsh.

 

I second ReadyorNot's question of why you were drinking in the first place with your condition. The fact that everyone else was doing it isn't a good answer (I feel like my father typing that).

 

Did you two discuss your condition and your alchohol consumption prior to the breakup? If so, what were the results of that conversaton?

[yunyun_sin]

Hiya - I feel your pain! I was dumped 2 weeks ago in a very similar manner - thought everything was going great, then all of a sudden, boom. You get all these reasonings that you had no idea of, and the thing that hurts the most is that he didn't even bother sharing or discussing thing before making up his mind.

 

Yes, being honest is important, but there are two people the relationship...

 

In my case, we agreed to leave it for a while, have a think about it and then have a talk about it. We both still have loads of stuff at each others places not being able to work up the courage to tell each other to clear it out, so in that sense you're already one step ahead on the road to healing!

 

Pretty much being in the same shoes I can't offer much advice but hope things do work out in your interest!

[lovecrazy]

OK..I see a few problem with this guy! He is immature, because..he was only taking into consideration of what his "friends" thought of him! Not the person he loved....which in my opinon should be the only opinon that matters! Second, he was more concerned with the thoughts of others rather than how you were feeling!

 

I dont know about your condition, but having two drinks and passing out is not good! So it shows me he has no concern with your well being!

 

I know I may sound harsh, but why would you be concerned with him, since he was treating you so badly! Basically I see you being concerned, becasue you loved this guy, with all your heart!

 

Girl, dont drink! Great thing!

Just take care of yourself! Ignore this guy, it will help in more ways than one!

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi newlydumped,

 

I have some problems with this guy too along with Winschica....

 

What does he expect? What does he want? He knows about your condition and shouldn't push anything that will jeopardize your health. It seems like he is saying, "I'm going to get drunk, drink and drink and drink and guess what..... You are two." Almost a control issue if you ask me.

 

Please stand your ground. You know your limits and so does he, but he doesn't give a dam. (hate to say this) What could happen if after you have a couple, go to sleep (pass out) and him and his buddies continue to get sh!t faced to the point they barely remember what happened?

 

This is the one thing that p!sses me off about some people. They simply don't care about you and expect you to do what they do, no matter what, to make them happy. Then they brain wash you into thinking that is the only way your going to ever be happy; EVER IN YOUR LIFE BECAUSE THEY ARE IN IT!

 

You deserve so much better. Part of a relationship is change, but a HUGE part is remaining who you are and NOT expecting the other person to mold in to a blow up doll that has no mind, saying or character.

 

I would not ever even consider going back to this person. Let him hang out and control somebody else and danger somebody else's life. Frankly, this is a serious case of mental abuse that I wish jail time could be served.

 

You need to let this person go.

 

Get out, run like hell, never look back and keep right on going.

 

bcuzitwasfun

[justkeeprunning]

Frankly, i think he was being perfectly honest with you. I don't get where folks are blaming him for your drinking. If you know you have a problem, don't drink - especially if you know that it bothers him. You're an adult and you need to be in control of your own behavior. While people who are overly concerned about what others think tends to bother me I can't make that judgement here because it looks like he had reason to be bothered. No guy wants a girlfriend who can't control her drinking, regardless of why it happens. If you look like a lush in front of his friends then you look like a lush; and most guys don't want a lush for a girlfriend.

 

He was being very honest with you - if he doesn't love you then he doesn't love you. You can't work at something that isn't there. Having this same situation happen 5 times over 7 months is simply way too much. That means you exercised poor judgement 5 times in the same situation. That's simply ridiculous and it probably wore away at him. It's that whole fool me once, fool me twice kind of situation. It sounds like he's simply had enough, and as harsh as it may sound, your whole response to the drinking thing sounds symptomatic of other issues or the way you handled things.

 

The key is to learn from the experience. It's going to hurt, but hopefully you won't make the same mistakes in the future.

[whatif]

I honestly don't think it was your drinking problem itself caused the whole break up. He just don't have the same feelings for whatever reason and he must wanted to pursue another relationship where he doesn't have to work hard to love someone.

 

It's not your fault or his fault. You can't make a person love you and he can't make himself love you. It has to happen and apparently he wasn't feeling it. If he was really in love with you, your blackout incident wouldn't have triggered him to pack up and leave.

 

The thought of break up must have been brewing inside of him for days and weeks, and finally he choose the moment when he really felt angry at you.

 

The best thing to do at this time is to leave him alone and make him miss you. If you keep contacting him, he will never miss and make no effort to contact you back. Go NC all the way. If he still doesn't miss you, he never loved you enough for a good relationship.

 

All the talking, reasoning, and begging would only scare him away. It's time to stand tall and believe in yourself.

 

This too shall pass.

[newlydumped]

Hello all -

 

I was actually surprised when I logged into ENA today and found this thread at the top, since I had posted it back in Nov, but I thought I would give an update and see if maybe I could get some more thoughts from those out there...

 

I definitely agree with all of you who have said that I should not have been drinking. I shouldn't have been, and I actually stopped drinking completely the same day I posted this thread, which is now like 3.5 months ago. It is somewhat bittersweet, because after the first couple of days, I haven't even missed it. I still go out, I just don't drink. And if it is possible, I am having more fun than I did before. But I hate that it cost me so much to finally "get it" about my drinking, though I am incredibly grateful that I did get it.

 

As to the ex, I haven't spoken to him since we broke up. My grandmother passed away right after Thanksgiving and I included him on a mass email letting people know. He never responded. I sent him a letter in mid-December, letting him know that I wasn't drinking and asking him to meet me for coffee if he wanted to talk, but got no response. I then went to work on serious healing, and have recently begun to feel loads better. I sent him another email at the beginning of February, just a two-liner telling him something that I thought he would find amusing, and ending it with "hope you're well." I didn't expect a response, and I didn't get one. It was not bothering me and I was thinking of him less and less.

 

Then, this past week, my ex and I were matched up on E-Harmony, which I had joined a couple months ago, and apparently he has also joined at some point. So now, I don't know if I should do anything...call him? Leave it be? My profile states that I don't drink as my first couple of dates off of the site were a bit awkward because the guy didn't know. So if he has any interest in seeing if things work when I am not drinking, he would contact me, correct? Or can I use this as a way of opening back up communication? I don't know anymore if I want to get back together with him - while I will not deny that it is a possibility I would love the chance to entertain, things are not so simple in my heart or my head anymore. What I do know is that I would love the chance for him to see me not as that drunken girl but as the intelligent woman that I am, even if we never date again. I don't know. It seems too bizarre to not mean something. Opinions??

[solo34]

Let him come around if he ever will that is...U know who and what U are, and don't let one guy's opinion about U change your progress or how U feel about yourself. U already tried 2 reach 4 him...now it's his turn 2 try, but again, only if he wants 2.

 

-Solo34