Is my fiancee cheating on me?

[paul olivo]

This is so confusing, its killing me. I dont know if its my own insecurities.. or if shes just a great liar like some of my friends say. I will try to provide just the facts and remove any emotion from them in hopes of getting non biased feedback.

 

Well, I THINK my fiancee is cheating on me because of the following.

 

1. I have recently realized by perusing through her emails, she keeps alot of MALE friends.

 

2. She has made me feel that keeping FEMALE friends is in appropriate, thereforeeee over time I have limited time spent with female friends. (this was obviously before my realization of item 1).

 

3. In April we planned to go on HER family reunion vacation in PUERTO RICO.

 

4. This event is usually 2 weeks long. I told her I would stay from WED to WED.

 

5. During the trip I decided to stay 2 more days.

 

6. On WED a male friend from New York, whom I have never met.. calls her to SAY HI?

 

7. He happens to be IN PUERTO RICO as well?

 

8. I hear her say, "Im with him now". Conversation ends a few seconds after that.

 

9. I ask, who is that?

She says "Oh a friend from New York, Hes here with his fiancee and wanted to meet up with us for dinner or drinks".

 

I say:

Ive never heard of this guy and he wants to meet us for drinks? Call him right now, I want to make sure hes actually with his FIANCEE.. and that its not something you and HIM just made up on the spot!

 

She calls.. 4 Times during the course of the rest of the evening.. he never picks up, never calls back.

 

He calls 2 days later to say they had car trouble and couldnt make it.

 

When her and I get back into New York, I reflect on the amazing coincidence of him and her being in Puerto Rico at the same time. She explains that they have a mutual friend that told him she would be there. I also find it an incredible coincidence that he calls the day I was supposed to leave?

 

Just recently I found other old emails between her and another MALE friend, which sparked an argument about the Puerto Rico Trip again. This time I was so infuriated, I called him (yes, she has his number on his cell) and told him I want to meet him and his fiancee along with my fiancee.

 

He said this is not possible because she is very jealous and he doesnt want any problems at home.

 

I told him, if he had nothing to hide,, then there is no reason for his fiancee to NOT meet my fiancee. At which time he admitted that he has cheated on his fiancee in the past and in his own words "Im currently in hot water". He tried to assure me that hes a 40 year old man and doesnt have time for these type of games, that him and my fiancee are just friends. He also tried to assure me how much she loves me. I told him to not call her anymore, until He heard from me again.

 

 

Im thinking of my next move. What do you guys suggest?

Am I crazy?

Is it possible this is all just a coincidence?

 

If not, how would you catch them.. I have a few ideas, but Id like to hear from anyone with help. Thank you.

[butterflycloud]

That does sound suspicious.....

 

Im not sure what to do but I dont like it that she said that ' I am with him now"- to me that sounds like she is definitely hiding something!

 

What ideas did you have to 'bust her'?

[hardcharger]

hit the road, this one is big trouble. NOTHING worse than a liar. And you seem to know, at the very least, that is the truth.

[yeawutever]

Maybe she might not be cheating and they're just friends but it does sound kinda weird. Yea get ideas on busting her and if u find out for sure she is indeed cheating dump her.

[polaris]

Whether she's actually cheating on you or not is open to question, but it's almost incidental since what she's doing with these other guys is still deceptive and disrespectful to say the least.

 

If you want to save the relationship, you have to discuss this openly with her, explain how her behaviour is causing quite an understandable and reasonable problem for you, and how it needs to change. And if she loves you and is committed to making it work, she'll agree.

 

She doesn't have to drop all her male friends any more than you should have to drop all of your female friends, but it needs to be much more limited, much more open, and she needs to consider what it at least looks to you. Your feelings should be her primary concern here.

[sonjam]

Calm down abit.

 

First of all, even if you don't trust her - going through her emails is wrong, and you are invading her privacy.

 

But now that you did, and you could not really find anything incriminating enough for you to know she's cheating... then you are probably over reacting.

 

I get the feeling you are a bit jealous and that sometimes creates a paranoia in your mind and nobody can be trusted. Geez, if she wants to be with you she will stay with you, and if she wanted to cheat, she would leave right? Ok, it's not always that black and white - i come from a relationship where I was cheated on, but still she should be innocent until proven guilty. Until then stop with the accusations already, you will only drive her further away from you...

 

It might have been a coincidene after all.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I always believe that you will never know your partner is cheating until you actually catch them in the act yourself. True, there could be signals, signs, and fishy stuff but all that could be coindidence or innocent. Bottom line, if don't have trust with your partner, you've got nothing. Take care and good luck.

[RayKay]

Well, it's hard for me to say if anything is going on or not, certainly there is some things to make it seem suspicious - ie fact that she does not trust you to have female friends (maybe because of her own experiences) but has plenty of male friends, the secrecy and deception, the odd behaviour - I would see that as a problem as well,

 

At the same time, there is no concrete evidence. Regardless, there is lots of deception and a lack of honesty here - it's your decision as to what that means.

 

If you don't trust her though, I do advise you seriously reconsider the wedding at this point...perhaps invest in some pre-marital counselling & start communicating between the two of you more before you walk down the aisle. If you really want to save this relationship, you two need to talk, you need to honestly tell her how you are feeling right now, and see how she responds. If she is committed to you, she will be willing to invest alongside with you in working these issues out together.

[yeawutever]

kenbell say: I always believe that you will never know your partner is cheating until you actually catch them in the act yourself.

 

True, they are stupid people and when caught they'll say the following: "Oh he/she meant nothing really", "I'm sorry i'll never do it again" or be like "Yea I wanna to break up with you but didn't know how"

Total BS but lately I have heard some people that NEVER GOT CAUGHT AND THEY CONFESS TO THEIR PARTNERS ABOUT IT. THEN I ALSO HEARD ABOUT PROFESSIONAL CHEATERS THAT CAN BE HAVING TWO WIFES AT ONCE AND ARE SO SMART NOT TO GET CAUGHT. THEY CAN BE LIVING YEARS LIKE (A DOUBLE LIFE) THIS AND NOT MAKE IT OBVIOUS.

[paul olivo]

My plan? Simple actually. I have some friends in the Police Department, and I will shortly have have his home address.

1. I will offer him ONE last opportunity to expalin the extent of their friendship and whether or NOT his fiancee was actually there in Puerto Rico when he supposedly offered for all of us to meet for dinner. If the answer is not satisfactory to me....

 

2. I will go to his home WITH MY FIANCEE and nicely introduce myself to his fiancee. I will explain the situation to her and lfind out if she was really there, if she really KNEW about us getting together. After that, let the chips fall where they may.. If theres nothing to hide, everything will be ok.

If hes lying, the grief his fiancee will put him throught will be more than enough. Hes literally gorrified at the thought of me meeting his fiancee, there must be a reason?

 

3. As for me, let the chips fall where they may. Misery loves company, and if my relationship will be ruined because of him and her, I will make sure his is ruined as well. NO ONE will have their cake and eat it at my expense.

[yeawutever]

RayRay's right, try communicating with her more. That snooping around u did is quite wrong and disrespectful. Tell her how and what u feeling now. If so try counseling, don't considered marriage now since there is trust lacking.

[kellbell]

Ailec1987, true people do say that but it doesn't matter what they say, they were caught. Actions speak louder than words.

[SLMitchell918]

Sounds to me that you have some talking to do with your girl. Its not wrong to look "into things" if you really think she is cheating on you. Sounds to me that she is cheating because that other guy shouldnt hesitate to meet you with his girl. Talk to her, but chances are she won't fess up to it. You just have to use your own judgement.

[Jut]

I would have termed it as jealousy except for the fact that her friend HAPPENS TO BE THERE and CALLS on the SAME DAY. Being blind i would accept that too, but the friend should not have any problems to clear the doubt. I am not sure about checking her emails, since this is not right, but confronting her with some evidence(tangible or fictitious) woudl be helpful.

I can definently say the friends fiancee(if one exists) wasnt there in PR.

[RandomAdvisor]

I was thinking it over, and there's really not enough data to conclude one way or the other if she is cheating on you. But her behavior is certainly very suspicious. I was actually going to suggest a private investigator if you could afford it before I got to this post. A friend in the police department would be the next best thing.

 

I have to make a suggestion though. Do NOT bring your fiance with you when you go to his home. If she is lying to you and cheating on you, there's no telling how she might try to derail things. You want this to be as controlled an environment as possible. Also, it would be best to go at a time you're 100% certain his fiance is at home (if she even exists of course). It would be better if she is home alone and you don't have to deal with this guy at the same time. As to how you can make sure she's home at the time, that would require some surveilence, which gets back to the whole private eye thing. If your friend at the police department can find a cell phone number for her, even better! You can call her up and arrange to meet somewhere.

 

Is there anything other than what you have mentioned that is suspicious? Why do your friends say she is a liar?

[paul olivo]

The reason my friends say she is a liar is because she has always tried to restrict me and make me feel guilty about being at the clubs with my female friends. I even bought into it. I used to think, "yea.. I wouldnt appreciate this either".

 

But then my friends would say, "well you know.. we saw her at the club with her friends".

 

I guess the whole double standard thing. She kept me from doing things.. she was out doing?

 

I just dont understand it.

 

Thanks for that last piece of advice to meet his fiancee alone if possible, I hadnt considered that would be more productive.

[RandomAdvisor]

Yeah. If you can get her cell phone #, or go to the house when you are absolutely sure she is alone that would be best I think. Of course, if your cop friend can find out for sure that she doesn't exist, that answers your question too. Let us know how it turns out.

[paul olivo]

This is Paul'd fiance....he loves to make himself the victim! He forgot to mention a "FEW" details such as him lying about going to some chicks house and then thretening me about it-if i called this chick he would have ended the realtionship! Aslo about his hanging out at the clubs with his "GIRLS" woman he has been with literally SLEPT with! I would bump into him and was not allowed to approach him...this is while him being my boyfriend! What do ya think about them apples!!! I know I'm the STUPID one for giving him a second chance to mess up my life! About PR my friend did know I was there with him. My friend and I discussed a few clubs with the confirmation of my cousins who were there and he then told me he would be at this one specific club and to see if we could pass by for a drink!!!!!!!!! How is that messing around or lying to see someone. he did not know that paul was supposed to leave before me!!!!! I will stop here. If I don't I will write a book!

 

All in all there are three sides to a story, his, mine and the TRUTH!!!!!!!!!! He has done a lot more of things and I have accepted them and moved on still with hurt and anger. he assumes things and does not go on true facts.

 

Good night to all! M

[paul olivo]

This is the finace AGAIN, one more thing did he mention how he went to South Beach the day AFTER we got engaged and when he gets back he get a text from a chick he meet out there!!!!!!!! What was that about????????????????? How serious was this engagement to him????????

[RandomAdvisor]

Looks like there's a whole lot of snooping going on.

 

You're right about the three sides to every story thing. What's good in your relationship? It sounds pretty bad to me. Neither of you trust the other. After hearing what both of you have to say, I think you should just break up.

[Rabican]

Several things:

 

1. It really doesnt matter if she actually cheated or not... it only matters what you believe happened. If you THINK she cheated on you, then she did (in your mind at least) and you will probably never trust her, or look at her the same way again.

 

2. I just went through a VERY VERY SIMILAR situation with my now EX fiance... I saw a couple emails, heard a few things on the phone, and saw a few text messages that all smelled like trouble to me... but never saw anything 100%

Any time I saw something, I confronted her about it and she would explain it away somehow. Thinking back, I should have waited until I saw that either a. it was all nothing to worry about, or b. that I found something that confirmed my suspicions.

Think like a cop, someone commits a crime... the police arent gonna go and accuse a suspect each time they see a little piece of evidence. Nope, they wait, pile that evidence up, and then bam.... hit you with it all at once. I would get off your fiance's back about the whole vacation thing... let it blow over. Just keep your eyes and ears open, but dont keep making a stink about that same thing. If it really was nothing, you giving her a hard time about it could very well end things.

 

3. If she uses email, or chat programs, then chances are shes going to leave a surefire way to find out if she is or isnt cheating. Get yourself a keylogger program (call a local spy shop) they should have a good one... and check in once and a while to see if shes on the up and up.

invasion of privacy is one of those touchy issues... personally if my girl wanted to read my emails I do not care. I dont have anything to hide, so it wouldnt bother me. Personally I think its the shady people with stuff to hide that fret over this one.